[INFP] Im an INFP Male, and im always in the friend zone

[BerberElla]

To fix that I finally had to give my permission to simply 'date' her, and that I didn't need to be falling madly in love with her to have permission to kiss her.

Totally , it's hard I know because I think infp men want it to be this amazing love story deep down, they want to foster an intense connection, plus they want to feel sure of themselves before they dive in, but then often miss the boat because of it.

I'm glad I am a woman because I doubt I would be able to just dive in and ask for a date if the pressure was on me (like it is on the men) to make the first move.

 

[runvardh]

I don't know why, but my care for what happens is starting to decline. Then again, this is the longest I've been single since I was a teenager so that might be why. If she's not patient enough she's not for me anyway.

 

[BerberElla]

If she's not patient enough she's not for me anyway.

Sounds like a win win situation then.

 

[runvardh]

Sounds like a win win situation then.

Filters are good.

 

[Mondo]

That blasted friend zone!!
I'm a guy, so I could be wrong but I think that all girls are attracted to dominant personalities- and so by putting yourself in the "friend zone"- the guy doesn't show the dominance and confidence necessary to make the girl attracted.
At least, that sort of guy would never get the sort of girl that guys are conventionally attracted to and vice versa.

The worst part with 'nice girls' is that they don't understand what they are attracted to as much as 'mean girls'.
'Nice girls' are confused and unsure about what they want and cause more trouble for the 'non-dominant guys'.
'Mean girls' won't bother, since they just know that they aren't attracted to that sort of guy.

 

[Kestrel]

It is my belief that INFp/j get stuck in the friend zone because they aren't forward enough, fast enough.

In my experience they don't express interest until it's far too late. This one INFP was really interested in me, and I actually really fancied him too. He had zero confidence that a girl like me would ever look at a guy like him though, so he didn't express anything but friendly interest.

By the time he did express interest, he had become too much of a close friend and confidante, and I no longer felt the attraction necessary to take it further.

I'm not saying you need to leap at her first time, but don't wait for months before saying that you would like to go on a date.

Perhaps this could be a difference in style between INFJs and INFPs, but I usually don't operate this way. I'd rather get to know someone as a friend first before diving head first into a relationship. Look before you leap, I guess.

And actually.. I don't mind staying in the dreaded "friend zone". I've actually been pulled out of it a few times, though I wasn't opposed to the idea.

I'll be assertive and aggressive about asking for a date once I've determined that this person is a worthwhile long-term "investment". If I miss my opportunity, then so be it.

Also I find it interesting you said once someone becomes your "close friend and confidante" you no longer see them as dating material. I've found people who fit this category are the best dating material. Don't you want your SO to be a close friend and confidante?

 

[BerberElla]

Also I find it interesting you said once someone becomes your "close friend and confidante" you no longer see them as dating material. I've found people who fit this category are the best dating material. Don't you want your SO to be a close friend and confidante?

I do lol I can't really explain the line I place between friends and lovers, it is just there. I haven't ever had a friend that was a lover, because I place a different value on my friends than I do a lover, I mean we can be close but there will be difference in the stuff we talk about.

It's not even an intentional cut off point, nor a rational one, it's just a feeling based reaction that happens.

I am closer to the INFP guy in question than I would ever have been if I had chosen to date him.

I've typed out about 3 different explanations that make no sense and deleted them. So if this one doesn't either, then phooey lol.

Don't think I don't sit down totally aware of how stupid this reaction is, I wish I could change it and fancy him again because he is the most sweetest guy, and the most trustworthy so you would think that would go in his benefit. But I view him as a friend and the spark has vanished.

I would love to meet someone who could maintain the spark AND be my closest friend and confidante, but honestly I have such a tainted view of men in general I doubt it could ever happen that way.

I am working on changing my bizzarre way of thinking though.

 

[Mondo]

I would love to meet someone who could maintain the spark AND be my closest friend and confidante, but honestly I have such a tainted view of men in general I doubt it could ever happen that way.

It's great to be idealistic about this but I have a question.
What's more important to you in finding a mate? (YOU CAN'T ANSWER BOTH!!!)
Being a close friend and confidante OR the spark?

 

[BerberElla]

It's great to be idealistic about this but I have a question.
What's more important to you in finding a mate? (YOU CAN'T ANSWER BOTH!!!)
Being a close friend and confidante OR the spark?

You can't pin me down to one answer lol but I would have to say the spark, without it it's just friendship.

The spark is what makes me want to have sex (which is important to me anyway), it's what makes me view them as my lover, it's what makes me passionate about them.

I have close friends and confidantes, I would love to believe that my man could be that at the same time, but I have yet to experience it.

Oh my lack of logic is hurting my brain, I type and see how silly it sounds lol

Like I said, I can't quite put into words what I mean, but it's how I feel.

Plus, why ruin a really good friendship? yes, I know, no guarantee it would be ruined, but then again it could, and I am not one for risking something that means so much to me on a whim of maybe.

 

[Tayshaun]

If you've been in the friend zone for some time, it's almost automatically going to be awkward and complicated.

Comfort without attraction = Nice Guy. Once you have this label, you are almost doomed to keep it.

Attract first! Attract first! Attract first!

There is a sequence of roles you will play.

1. Boyfriend material. Her: does he like me as much as I do?
2. Friend with lots of flirting, boyfriend material about to become one. Her: does he like me as much as I really do? This stage should only last a few hours.
3. Boyfriend at last

If you have spent hours and hours as a friend with no physical contact - no touching arm, pushing each other's shoulders back and forth, embrace, touching hands -, and all of a sudden manifest your interest, it's gonna make it a big deal (never good) and awkward. Going from no contact to a boyfriend's kiss is a huge leap.

 

[antireconciler]

2. Not valuing yourself enough.

How great can this person be, if they dont want to be with YOU, the greatest person in YOUR OWN LIFE???? it seems so simple, but really, i think the attraction just blinds us to seeing this oh so simple one.

do you really want to be with someone who is so dense as to not like you? (i realise this sounds narcissistic, im assuming the people reading this probably dont suffer from it )


so to review: the attraction blinds us to the following:
1. its actaully really ****ing simple to see if she 'likes' you, as long as you dont over analyze it.
2. When she does something that to outsider say, she doesnt like you, DONT MAKE EXCUSES FOR HER, that SHE should make for herself.
3. why the hell would you want to be in a relationship where you have to be constantly "proving" yourself??? seriously wtf was i thinking???

This is very good. I think there's a lot of truth to it. There's a sense in which I want to say, to anyone who get's stuck in the friend zone wanting something more, that if you want something more, just go for it. A friendship is hardly so valuable that it is worth more than just being yourself, AND, a friendship is hardly valuable in the first place if just being yourself and expressing interest ruins it. If you aren't satisfied, do something about it.

Then again, like Babylon Candle says, why is this person so interesting if they aren't attracted to you? I think there's something fundamental about our type that leads us to experience this kind of longing and regret and above all, loneliness, and rejection, but I think we have to recognize it for what it is, an underestimation of our own value. You've got to stand up for yourself. It's natural and healthy to seek companionship, but at the same time, if you are lonely in your own company ... then you're in bad company! You're starting to stink a little. You're not so flimsy that you need anyone else to make you happy. But since it DOES make us happy to pursue new relationships, accept your current situation for what it is, and take the logical next step. Don't say "It's not fair!" Maybe it's not fair ... but that's the way it is. Blame no one, for you have not been wronged.

 

[BlueScreen]

I think for an INFP a big problem is being seen. A lot of the best of you is difficult to get to know. You can find a reason why people should love you because you are probably brilliant on so many levels, but others won't necessarily see it. It can be annoying but you can't hold it against them. One thing that helps is to put yourself in the world more so there is a chance to love you for what you are. Though it can be difficult.

On the subject of absolutes and friendzone being permanent, it is pretty rigid thinking. Most girls who dissed Clark Kent, would probably take superman. The INFP in a way has the same alter-ego problem. The girl who walks past the shy nice guy and sees no interest, won't necessarily walk past the amazing introverted world that lies behind it. The world has been and always will be dynamic. Most people actually get more attraction out of an event that changes their views and seeing something familiar in a new light, than they do from an attractive first glance. And it is normally a far stronger and complete attraction.

 

[aguanile]

2. Not valuing yourself enough.

How great can this person be, if they dont want to be with YOU, the greatest person in YOUR OWN LIFE???? it seems so simple, but really, i think the attraction just blinds us to seeing this oh so simple one.

do you really want to be with someone who is so dense as to not like you? (i realise this sounds narcissistic, im assuming the people reading this probably dont suffer from it )

This is basically what I have decided 2009 will be about for me. I have to love myself first. That sounds so cliche, but in my life it is so necessary.

As CaptainChick said, I too am a romantic masochist! That is the perfect phrase for it. I posed the idea to my friends before (not as eloquently) and they just dismissed it. I think it is a real problem though. I go for people that don't like me and people go for me that I don't like. It sure is frustrating!

Back to the above post. I told someone that very thing tonight. You should be with someone who likes you for you!

 

[Tayshaun]

boyfriend zone instead of (girl)friend zone advice for guys

 

[JivinJeffJones]

I think it is a real problem though. I go for people that don't like me and people go for me that I don't like. It sure is frustrating!

Back to the above post. I told someone that very thing tonight. You should be with someone who likes you for you!

2009 - The Year of Settling.

High-five!

 

[antireconciler]

boyfriend zone instead of (girl)friend zone advice for guys

That's hard for me to deal with, but it makes sense. I like it.

There's some logic to it that people who end up in the friend zone have, in a sense, themselves requested to be there.

 

[GZA]

This weeks assignment is to just flat out ask "nice shoes, wanna fuck?"

Post results promptly.

 

[aufs klo]

boyfriend zone instead of (girl)friend zone advice for guys

Is that a huge hickey on his neck?