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  1. #61
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Udog View Post

    To fix that I finally had to give my permission to simply 'date' her, and that I didn't need to be falling madly in love with her to have permission to kiss her.
    Totally , it's hard I know because I think infp men want it to be this amazing love story deep down, they want to foster an intense connection, plus they want to feel sure of themselves before they dive in, but then often miss the boat because of it.

    I'm glad I am a woman because I doubt I would be able to just dive in and ask for a date if the pressure was on me (like it is on the men) to make the first move.
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

    DeWitt - "Something far worse, she's an Idealist"

    Berb's Johari Berb's Nohari

  2. #62
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    I don't know why, but my care for what happens is starting to decline. Then again, this is the longest I've been single since I was a teenager so that might be why. If she's not patient enough she's not for me anyway.
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

    INFP, 6w7, IEI

    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  3. #63
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by runvardh View Post
    If she's not patient enough she's not for me anyway.
    Sounds like a win win situation then.
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

    DeWitt - "Something far worse, she's an Idealist"

    Berb's Johari Berb's Nohari

  4. #64
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    Sounds like a win win situation then.
    Filters are good.
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

    INFP, 6w7, IEI

    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  5. #65
    Welcome to Sunnyside Mondo's Avatar
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    That blasted friend zone!!
    I'm a guy, so I could be wrong but I think that all girls are attracted to dominant personalities- and so by putting yourself in the "friend zone"- the guy doesn't show the dominance and confidence necessary to make the girl attracted.
    At least, that sort of guy would never get the sort of girl that guys are conventionally attracted to and vice versa.

    The worst part with 'nice girls' is that they don't understand what they are attracted to as much as 'mean girls'.
    'Nice girls' are confused and unsure about what they want and cause more trouble for the 'non-dominant guys'.
    'Mean girls' won't bother, since they just know that they aren't attracted to that sort of guy.
    MBTI Type: iNTj
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  6. #66
    Senior Member Kestrel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    It is my belief that INFp/j get stuck in the friend zone because they aren't forward enough, fast enough.

    In my experience they don't express interest until it's far too late. This one INFP was really interested in me, and I actually really fancied him too. He had zero confidence that a girl like me would ever look at a guy like him though, so he didn't express anything but friendly interest.

    By the time he did express interest, he had become too much of a close friend and confidante, and I no longer felt the attraction necessary to take it further.

    I'm not saying you need to leap at her first time, but don't wait for months before saying that you would like to go on a date.
    Perhaps this could be a difference in style between INFJs and INFPs, but I usually don't operate this way. I'd rather get to know someone as a friend first before diving head first into a relationship. Look before you leap, I guess.

    And actually.. I don't mind staying in the dreaded "friend zone". I've actually been pulled out of it a few times, though I wasn't opposed to the idea.

    I'll be assertive and aggressive about asking for a date once I've determined that this person is a worthwhile long-term "investment". If I miss my opportunity, then so be it.

    Also I find it interesting you said once someone becomes your "close friend and confidante" you no longer see them as dating material. I've found people who fit this category are the best dating material. Don't you want your SO to be a close friend and confidante?
    I-44 N-88 F-62 J-67

    A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. -Winston Churchill

  7. #67
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kestrel View Post

    Also I find it interesting you said once someone becomes your "close friend and confidante" you no longer see them as dating material. I've found people who fit this category are the best dating material. Don't you want your SO to be a close friend and confidante?
    I do lol I can't really explain the line I place between friends and lovers, it is just there. I haven't ever had a friend that was a lover, because I place a different value on my friends than I do a lover, I mean we can be close but there will be difference in the stuff we talk about.

    It's not even an intentional cut off point, nor a rational one, it's just a feeling based reaction that happens.

    I am closer to the INFP guy in question than I would ever have been if I had chosen to date him.

    I've typed out about 3 different explanations that make no sense and deleted them. So if this one doesn't either, then phooey lol.

    Don't think I don't sit down totally aware of how stupid this reaction is, I wish I could change it and fancy him again because he is the most sweetest guy, and the most trustworthy so you would think that would go in his benefit. But I view him as a friend and the spark has vanished.

    I would love to meet someone who could maintain the spark AND be my closest friend and confidante, but honestly I have such a tainted view of men in general I doubt it could ever happen that way.

    I am working on changing my bizzarre way of thinking though.
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

    DeWitt - "Something far worse, she's an Idealist"

    Berb's Johari Berb's Nohari

  8. #68
    Welcome to Sunnyside Mondo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla
    I would love to meet someone who could maintain the spark AND be my closest friend and confidante, but honestly I have such a tainted view of men in general I doubt it could ever happen that way.
    It's great to be idealistic about this but I have a question.
    What's more important to you in finding a mate? (YOU CAN'T ANSWER BOTH!!!)
    Being a close friend and confidante OR the spark?
    MBTI Type: iNTj
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  9. #69
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mondo View Post
    It's great to be idealistic about this but I have a question.
    What's more important to you in finding a mate? (YOU CAN'T ANSWER BOTH!!!)
    Being a close friend and confidante OR the spark?
    You can't pin me down to one answer lol but I would have to say the spark, without it it's just friendship.

    The spark is what makes me want to have sex (which is important to me anyway), it's what makes me view them as my lover, it's what makes me passionate about them.

    I have close friends and confidantes, I would love to believe that my man could be that at the same time, but I have yet to experience it.

    Oh my lack of logic is hurting my brain, I type and see how silly it sounds lol

    Like I said, I can't quite put into words what I mean, but it's how I feel.

    Plus, why ruin a really good friendship? yes, I know, no guarantee it would be ruined, but then again it could, and I am not one for risking something that means so much to me on a whim of maybe.
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

    DeWitt - "Something far worse, she's an Idealist"

    Berb's Johari Berb's Nohari

  10. #70
    Senior Member Tayshaun's Avatar
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    If you've been in the friend zone for some time, it's almost automatically going to be awkward and complicated.

    Comfort without attraction = Nice Guy. Once you have this label, you are almost doomed to keep it.

    Attract first! Attract first! Attract first!

    There is a sequence of roles you will play.
    1. Boyfriend material. Her: does he like me as much as I do?
    2. Friend with lots of flirting, boyfriend material about to become one. Her: does he like me as much as I really do? This stage should only last a few hours.
    3. Boyfriend at last

    If you have spent hours and hours as a friend with no physical contact - no touching arm, pushing each other's shoulders back and forth, embrace, touching hands -, and all of a sudden manifest your interest, it's gonna make it a big deal (never good) and awkward. Going from no contact to a boyfriend's kiss is a huge leap.

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