Thanks uumlau. Agreed, maybe more like ESTJ.
I do think, in her case, the primary ideal is in fact the relationship. Yes, this is a potential stressor on us, because it makes it harder to discuss problems without her feeling she's failed, leading to defensiveness. I don't make things any easier, because I carry my own baggage that exacerbates the problem.
What I know for sure is that she's worth every effort, and I will work hard to love her well. This thread helped me understand her a little better, to that end.