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  1. #1
    Member 31january's Avatar
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    Default Having a delayed reaction to hurtful comments?

    Please bear with me as I try to describe my situation...O_o

    My boyfriend and i are generally easygoing people and don't get into arguments much. However, the few times he says or does things which hurt or offend me, such as by passing insensitive remarks, I tend to realize only after a while (often hours or even days) that I feel hurt over the comment, as if my conscious mind takes some time to process what just happened ): Does anyone have a similar experience when they get hurt or angry, and more importantly, know why or how it could be changed?

    I generally still end up bringing up the issues when I realize they bother me, but I have been running into problems here because my boyfriend is in national service during the week(sort of like compulsory military training--not actual combat though, phew). Which means that more often than not, I realize these issues when he's only contactable by text, and because I find it hard to ignore these problems when I realize them, I end up bringing them up over text with a huge dump of messages instead of over the phone or in person>.< it often prolongs the resolution too, since he can only reply a few times a day, and upsets both of us for a longer period of time. He's told me that his mood can get affected pretty badly by these text confrontations, and is hoping I can minimize them, and I really want to try to because this is one of the few things he's ever asked of me to change.

    So basically, my questions are:
    1) Does anyone know why I, or ENFPs in general might have a delayed reaction to hurtful things, and is there anything we can do to realize such problems more quickly so they can be addressed on the spot?
    2)Does anyone know how I could cope better with waiting (hours/days) for a good time to bring up issues? when I do realize them, they tend to haunt my mind and are incredibly distracting and upsetting until I address them >.<

    thank you.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    I'ma call @fidelia to this one.

  3. #3
    Entertaining Cracker five sounds's Avatar
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    I definitely have delayed reactions to things that hurt me. I think I'm in the habit of staying rosy in the moment, and then later when I have time to think for a while or find myself emotional, I realize the damage.

    I don't have any advice for realizing it sooner, but in situations where I know I can't bring it up right away (also VERY difficult for me), I usually call my mom, a sister, or a friend and talk about it. Not just anyone of course, but a close friend can be a great way to talk about those emotions when you need it most.

    Never thought of the delayed reaction as an ENFP thing, but maybe it is. What personality type is your bf?

  4. #4
    As Long As It Takes.... Redbone's Avatar
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    I have them but mine work in both directions...for hurt feelings and good feelings, too. It's hard for me to feel something in "real time". If I do, it's usually humor or anger.

    Anyway, what's your lag time between realizing that your feelings have been hurt and bringing them up to the other person?

  5. #5
    Let me count the ways Betty Blue's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 31january View Post
    Please bear with me as I try to describe my situation...O_o

    My boyfriend and i are generally easygoing people and don't get into arguments much. However, the few times he says or does things which hurt or offend me, such as by passing insensitive remarks, I tend to realize only after a while (often hours or even days) that I feel hurt over the comment, as if my conscious mind takes some time to process what just happened ): Does anyone have a similar experience when they get hurt or angry, and more importantly, know why or how it could be changed?

    I generally still end up bringing up the issues when I realize they bother me, but I have been running into problems here because my boyfriend is in national service during the week(sort of like compulsory military training--not actual combat though, phew). Which means that more often than not, I realize these issues when he's only contactable by text, and because I find it hard to ignore these problems when I realize them, I end up bringing them up over text with a huge dump of messages instead of over the phone or in person>.< it often prolongs the resolution too, since he can only reply a few times a day, and upsets both of us for a longer period of time. He's told me that his mood can get affected pretty badly by these text confrontations, and is hoping I can minimize them, and I really want to try to because this is one of the few things he's ever asked of me to change.

    So basically, my questions are:
    1) Does anyone know why I, or ENFPs in general might have a delayed reaction to hurtful things, and is there anything we can do to realize such problems more quickly so they can be addressed on the spot?
    2)Does anyone know how I could cope better with waiting (hours/days) for a good time to bring up issues? when I do realize them, they tend to haunt my mind and are incredibly distracting and upsetting until I address them >.<

    thank you.
    Oh absolutely, processing time. I get that, sometimes i am not even sure why i am upset but feel upset/angry etc for a while and then it all starts to click into place.

    I do think it could be helpful for you to set some boundaries with your behaviour though as that will likely add more drama/upset (to be dealt with at a later date) to the mix.

    ENFP's can be slaves to their hearts... it's difficult to put away feelings...pretending to be ok does not work well for us. But some kind of middle ground... maybe to write the things down so that you are aware of what it is that is going on for you, try to identify the patterns too, that could help. Try to find some clear space, where you both have the time to dedicate to resolving issues.
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  6. #6
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    Yes, me too. What happens to me is the hurtful event will "sting" me and I'll understand that it bothers me in particular for some reason, but it will take a while for my mind to pull the greater pattern out of my unconscious stream. Inevitably what has happened is that I have picked up on a particular pattern of behavior that the hurtful event is a recurrence of, so the event will become somewhat of a touchstone/symbol of the larger scheme.

    What has been making a big positive change for me is trying to understand the situation from his POV before confronting him, generating multiple reasons for why he may have behaved that way that don't include trying to hurt me, and then bringing it up with him as a discussion and not an argument. It also helps me to focus on singular events, and not prematurely link them - my perception of a pattern is almost always right, but my reasoning for its existence can definitely be very wrong. I tend to read much more me-centered, negative reasons into it than really exist. Most of the time when he hurts me it is simply due to a gap in native functioning - especially different assumptions about how things should be done, whether it be a result of genetics or upbringing.

  7. #7
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    I'm the same way. I sometimes need to understand how I'm feeling, if I'm hurt, or annoyed, or bothered, or just not happy in general, so I need some processing time before I realize what the matter was that hurt me in the first place. For me it tends not to be single comments, but something when we are having a minor disagreement and there are so many things to process, so I can't take it all in at once. I think these things tend to get better with time, when both people know how the other operate and learn not to hurt the other person's feelings or get hurt unnecessarily.

    I don't think bringing it up via text messages is a good idea, though. I know it's hard not to address the problem immediately, but text messages can lead to all sorts of misinterpretation, and I don't think your boyfriend will be in the right mind state to deal with the conflict during military training.

    Is the relationship new? A lot of the issues just need 'communication tuning', which will get better with time. What has helped me at the beginning of the relationship was to remind myself that it never hurts to give him the benefit of the doubt. Try to assume that he is not trying to hurt your feelings on purpose, then find a time to deal with it later over the phone, or, better yet, face-to-face.
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  8. #8
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    I was going to post in response to the title but then I read the OP and realized it's not really related.
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  9. #9
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 31january View Post
    1) Does anyone know why I, or ENFPs in general might have a delayed reaction to hurtful things, and is there anything we can do to realize such problems more quickly so they can be addressed on the spot?
    2)Does anyone know how I could cope better with waiting (hours/days) for a good time to bring up issues? when I do realize them, they tend to haunt my mind and are incredibly distracting and upsetting until I address them >.<

    thank you.
    The processing time is really important for me. I'm a notorious delayed-talking-about-crap person, and it is specifically because of this. As best I can tell, it is a mixture of general anxiety from bringing up a potentially touchy subject at all (as it is my default to just stfu and keep going if something is not all that bad but would cause turmoil in others) and trying to figure out and analyze the exact reason WHY it bothers me. It does me no good to go to someone and say, "Hey, I really don't like it when you pretend to flirt with me. I know you are joking, but I don't like it." and they say "I'm sorry. Can I ask why? I'm only joking, and you know I am." and I have no response. That conversation didn't get anywhere.. if it is because I have a boyfriend and so I feel uncomfortable making jokes the way I did when single, that's a completely different answer than 'regardless of if I have a boyfriend, I just tolerated them when our friendship wasn't so close.. now that it is getting closer, I need it to stop otherwise I will end up pushing you away.'

    And I don't want to make up an answer on the spot just to appease the situation (something I would be likely to do without a processing period) and then later on it looks like I am a total liar because I merely deflected the question with a "I just don't like that kind of humor" and then used it on someone else like a week later in front of them.

    I haven't found anything that addresses them quicker than the processing time. But as far as bringing it up at the precise time? I find just telling someone "Hey, I need to talk to you when we get a chance next." Usually appeases my "fix this problem now!!" appetite. So, maybe just tell him that from now on you'll text him if he is away and then you'll wait for it when he returns? Also, when I am alone I practice what I'll say. It makes me look crazy if anyone catches me, but oh well.
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  10. #10
    Analytical Dreamer Coriolis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 31january View Post
    So basically, my questions are:
    1) Does anyone know why I, or ENFPs in general might have a delayed reaction to hurtful things, and is there anything we can do to realize such problems more quickly so they can be addressed on the spot?
    2)Does anyone know how I could cope better with waiting (hours/days) for a good time to bring up issues? when I do realize them, they tend to haunt my mind and are incredibly distracting and upsetting until I address them
    Best advice is to capture your thoughts in writing once the reaction comes. Keep a journal. To address the first question, by reviewing the kinds of things that make you feel upset later, you might see some common elements. This might help you be more aware in the situations where similar comments might come up, so you can react in the moment. To address the second question, you can use the journal to share your thoughts with your boyfriend when you are together in person. To extend the writing idea, you could even write him a letter during the week, explaining your feelings about the latest situation. If you do this, don't mail it to him; just let him read it when he gets back. If you see him weekly, that is time enough to revisit the incidents that made you upset. He would probably appreciate just brief texts of affection and encouragement while away at his military service.
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