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  1. #11
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Coriolis View Post
    Best advice is to capture your thoughts in writing once the reaction comes. Keep a journal. To address the first question, by reviewing the kinds of things that make you feel upset later, you might see some common elements. This might help you be more aware in the situations where similar comments might come up, so you can react in the moment. To address the second question, you can use the journal to share your thoughts with your boyfriend when you are together in person. To extend the writing idea, you could even write him a letter during the week, explaining your feelings about the latest situation. If you do this, don't mail it to him; just let him read it when he gets back. If you see him weekly, that is time enough to revisit the incidents that made you upset. He would probably appreciate just brief texts of affection and encouragement while away at his military service.
    And this is how you Te it, people!

    Good advice though. Never crossed my mind to come up with a strategy like this.
    4w5 sp/sx EII

  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    Yes, me too. What happens to me is the hurtful event will "sting" me and I'll understand that it bothers me in particular for some reason, but it will take a while for my mind to pull the greater pattern out of my unconscious stream. Inevitably what has happened is that I have picked up on a particular pattern of behavior that the hurtful event is a recurrence of, so the event will become somewhat of a touchstone/symbol of the larger scheme.

    What has been making a big positive change for me is trying to understand the situation from his POV before confronting him, generating multiple reasons for why he may have behaved that way that don't include trying to hurt me, and then bringing it up with him as a discussion and not an argument. It also helps me to focus on singular events, and not prematurely link them - my perception of a pattern is almost always right, but my reasoning for its existence can definitely be very wrong. I tend to read much more me-centered, negative reasons into it than really exist. Most of the time when he hurts me it is simply due to a gap in native functioning - especially different assumptions about how things should be done, whether it be a result of genetics or upbringing.
    This.

  3. #13
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    I think if you talk to just about any INFJ, they have some lag between emotional reaction and understanding of that reaction. I pretty naturally do the generating possible reasons thing that skylights mentions. However, there is a downside with that if you just talk yourself out of it being a big deal but don't double check what was going on. If too many little incidents built up, then you end up having a big unintended emotional reaction at an inconvenient time and the issue still never gets resolved.

    She is certainly right that usually it has way less to do with you than you think and often a simple explanation about it fixes things up. I like Coriolis' idea, as I tend to do better in writing, but I also have learned the hard way that using it as a substitute for talking about it in person only results in the person hating to see a text/email from you!

  4. #14
    Analytical Dreamer Coriolis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    She is certainly right that usually it has way less to do with you than you think and often a simple explanation about it fixes things up. I like Coriolis' idea, as I tend to do better in writing, but I also have learned the hard way that using it as a substitute for talking about it in person only results in the person hating to see a text/email from you!
    The writing is not meant to be a substitute for in-person discussion, but rather a way to record thoughts while the other person is away, so they can be recalled accurately later. Letters (handwritten, on paper) can be useful for if the writer has trouble getting their thoughts organized in the moment, or if the subject is especially difficult to bring up, but in a case like the OP should be presented in person.

    Some people also just enjoy letters, on both the writing and the receiving ends. In the first few years of our relationship, my SO and I each travelled often for business, and would always write each other letters while on the road, then deliver them when we returned. I liked being able to read and reread each one, and still have them now, years later. It's not the answer for everything, just another tool that might be useful in certain cases.
    I've been called a criminal, a terrorist, and a threat to the known universe. But everything you were told is a lie. The truth is, they've taken our freedom, our home, and our future. The time has come for all humanity to take a stand...

  5. #15
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    No, for sure not as a substitution. I just was saying that sending incomplete, unprocessed thoughts of hurt to someone who can't see you in person doesn't result in good things. Both of you get unnecessarily stirred up. Yet sometimes it seems like there is an urgency to the whole thing, so I figure that writing it down would at least capture that while containing some of the potential fallout of doing so.

  6. #16
    Senior Member sulfit's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 31january View Post
    So basically, my questions are:
    1) Does anyone know why I, or ENFPs in general might have a delayed reaction to hurtful things, and is there anything we can do to realize such problems more quickly so they can be addressed on the spot?
    Too much intuition could be the problem. Your mind will see many different options, what will happen if you respond sharply to the comment? what does the person actually mean by this? what is the best way to respond? With sensors they respond right away because they perceive the concrete words instead of thinking of all these potentialities.

  7. #17
    Diving into Ni-space Crescent Fresh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Coriolis View Post
    Best advice is to capture your thoughts in writing once the reaction comes. Keep a journal. To address the first question, by reviewing the kinds of things that make you feel upset later, you might see some common elements. This might help you be more aware in the situations where similar comments might come up, so you can react in the moment. To address the second question, you can use the journal to share your thoughts with your boyfriend when you are together in person. To extend the writing idea, you could even write him a letter during the week, explaining your feelings about the latest situation. If you do this, don't mail it to him; just let him read it when he gets back. If you see him weekly, that is time enough to revisit the incidents that made you upset. He would probably appreciate just brief texts of affection and encouragement while away at his military service.
    I think this really works for any type. Great advice.

  8. #18
    Senior Member Chiharu's Avatar
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    I have this too!

    I think it's more common to ENFPs because "in the moment" your Ne is being inundated with new information, so your Fi is taking a back seat. The emotional cues go to, like, voicemail or something. Later, when there's not as much for Ne to do, Fi catches up.

    That's how I think of it, anyway. Just realized how silly it sounds lol.
    Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness." ― Kurt Vonnegut

    ENFP. 7w6 – 4w3 – 1w9 sx/so. Aries. Dilettante. Overly anxious optimist.

  9. #19
    Entertaining Cracker five sounds's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chiharu View Post
    I have this too!

    I think it's more common to ENFPs because "in the moment" your Ne is being inundated with new information, so your Fi is taking a back seat. The emotional cues go to, like, voicemail or something. Later, when there's not as much for Ne to do, Fi catches up.

    That's how I think of it, anyway. Just realized how silly it sounds lol.
    I like this description! Never realized this was an ENFP thing at all. I just thought I was emotionally maladjusted, haha.
    You hem me in -- behind and before;
    you have laid your hand upon me.
    Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

  10. #20
    Member 31january's Avatar
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    First of all, thanks guys for all your help and replies ^^ it's reassuring that i'm not the only one who has the problem of processing time, and actually i'm semi-surprised that it does seem to be an ENFP thing! I was half expecting people to ask me if i was a T in disguise because i didn't sound like i was in touch with my emotions, but i think @Chiharu, @skylights and @nicolita (and a few more of you actually!) put it well (: we do have an emotional response immediately, but it's really vague and tends to be dismissed as just another feeling in our stream of consciousness. until later...then BOOM. especially when the overall mood is happy, it's hard to "spoil" that and recognise something has just made us quite unhappy. It's also hard to explain the "logic" behind the emotional response immediately, which is bad for immediate confrontations. "i'm unhappy but i don't have clue why" isnt very effective in conflict resolution >.> Too much intuition makes sense too, nothing seems concrete and certain in the moment...(Ne + P tendencies?)

    Just to clarify, my bf is supposedly an entp based on an online test but he ever tested as an istp before (?!!) too so i'm not gonna bet on his result being accurate haha. (i'm not too good at typing people myself, and both descriptions did seem to fit in certain ways. i do see quite a lot of Ne though). But in general he tends to be very good at addressing things immediately, which led to some puzzlement when i told him that i literally COULDN'T and wasn't purposely trying to delay things :/ He always makes an effort to understand when i explain, though.

    In response to 21%'s question about whether i was in a new relationship, we've known each other for 2+ years and been together for one (is that new?) However, i used to be entirely conflict-avoidant, pretending everything was okay 100% of the time, until my bf advised me a while back that it was very important to open up to him to prevent resentment and other nasty conflicts building up. i'm still working out the nuances of addressing conflicts properly cos i'm honestly not very used to it yet--including addressing some things i once avoided by ignoring :/. in particular, when i opened up i started to force myself to address things by reminding myself that it was too important to be ignored, and well.....i guess that's now backfiring because i lack patience instead >.<

    I don't really get argumentative when i confront him, but i guess when things involve hurt feelings they're not the most pleasant to deal with in any form so it still stresses him out ): what @skylights said about patterns ("my perception of a pattern is almost always right, but my reasoning for its existence can definitely be very wrong.") sounds really true from experience, it should help to remember that. though i do generate possibilities my Fi tends to jump onto the worst case scenario, sort of in a "PLEASE PROVE ME WRONG ):" manner. I think i'd do well to address things when i'm in a calmer state of mind and can see the possibilites for what they are logically (:

    I think @nicolita and @Coriolis have methods i could use to solve this haha. I tend not to talk about conflicts to my friends because it feels like badmouthing, but i see how it could be crucially helpful in this case to help me wait until an appropriate time to talk to him about it! at least it'll feel like i did SOMETHING to address the problem and get it out there.
    As for writing, i do keep a journal so that should be useful (: actually, like @Coriolis said it does helps me spot common elements, that's how i realise some of the problems >.< but that in combination with writing a letter sounds like a good idea, because then i'll have "said" everything i want to say without actually hurting anyone, especially if i'm feeling emotional. I'll most likely translate what i write into speech when talking through it though. @fidelia i also do better in writing possibly because it allows me to be more clearheaded, in fact i think that's one of the major reasons why i end up using text. but you're right about the dreading, heh "text walls" from me are always something to dread from me for my bf :/ though thankfully most of the time my texts are cheerful and harmless, haha!


    tl;dr version: I'll try talking to my friends and using my journal entries in better ways to solve this problem (: in part, the advice helps me feel more certain that i'm doing the right thing when i write about my feelings and postpone confrontation immediately. Also, i'm really glad to know i'm not alone in the delayed reaction thing!

    btw, @gromit, what's your intepretation of the title? i thought my first question was pretty related. just curious

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