At the beginning of freshman year, I was extremely optimistic after a tough 4 years of highschool and felt like the sky was the limit. I had friends I could hang out with practically whenever (friends I made during a summer workshop), I looked good, got numbers, I was relatively content with life. I was at my absolute peak in every facet of life. The male ENFP was finally appreciated by his peers.
Then disappointment started to set in and lets just say my expectations weren't being met and I gradually started feeling like I was in highschool again. As people started to slowly distance themselves trom me, I figured my true colors had been shown and started to believe that I just had a shit, unloveable personality and was meant to be alone after all. I was hated in middle school, in highschool, and now in College, there can't be any other explanation besides the fact that I'm an inherently sh-tty person. I'm immature, inappropriate, borderline-narcissistic, loud, selfish, overwhelming, effeminate, pretentious, alienating, cowardly, self-deprecating. I'm practically a 12 year old and have literally no positive virtues, as if god just took the worst Fi and Ne traits and just dumped them on me. Even an ESTP acquantince told me I had a shit personality frankly, as if it was common knowledge. Everyday at lunch I'd have to watch a male ENFJ (who i initially enjoyed being around) charm all of my former friends and all of my crushes with his humble Fe everyman sensibilities, and be reminded why I'm a shit person.
Fast forward to the summer and I've pretty much been deprived of any social interaction for the past 2 months (only have one person who's actually curious as to what I'm doing). I don't care about or want to do anything. I used to groom consistently, work out, and diet, but that's irrelevant when noone loves or wants you anyway. I leave the house but I never interact with anyone, I just go to my destination and back. I could contact "friends" but pretty much noone likes or cares for me and I'd rather not look like a brown noser. Even the thought of socializing feels unfulfilling and I don't even know if I'm capable of enjoying anyone's presence anymore, I'm experiencing pure anhedonia. The only positive mood I feel anymore is pure (hypo)mania, and with all these extreme ups and downs, I don't even know what it's like to be a normal person anymore. I hung out with someone a week ago while feeling very elated and energetic (hypomanic), and after a great day went home to suicidal thoughts. The last time I was a happy person was when I was 12 or 11, and even then I was an annoying ADHD twat. The people I used to vent to got fed up with me and cut contact, even my closest friend whos put up with me for the past 4 years. I feel like a mental vegetable at this point.
So yeah, I'm here, how do I get out?