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  1. #1
    Dali
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    Default What's Happening? (INFJ)

    I got this INFJ whom I like, and whom I have an an inkling likes me back.

    But we're not (really) talking about that.

    R is very cool, freakishly smart, and has a big heart; an all-around nice guy who is well-liked and respected by everyone he knows. Perfect grades when at school, and is now in the earlier stages of a promising career.

    We met early this year through mutual friends and became fast friends. We've gone out several times and usually end up just shooting the shit and having a great time talking about everything and nothing. I smoke like a chimney and appreciate my liquor and he, on the other hand, is a strict teetotaler and non-smoker, so he'll usually have a club soda when we go out. Now, I have some concerns. The past two months though, he's often bummed a ciggie or two off of me when we're out on the town. It started off with him wanting to see what was the draw and, recently, he's been almost keeping up with me. He's now buying his own cigarettes and smoking at home. This bothers me (hypocritical much, I know) but he laughs off my concerns. Also, the last two times we've been out, he's started off by 'trying out' a cocktail and ended up getting pretty close to drunk. I know that he's 24 and has the choice to do what he wants by why now and why me?! Why is he changing his principles due to my own choices? (I feel like that sleazy dude who dates the pretty, smart girl and 'gets her' addicted to weed, effectively adding no value to her life.) I like him a lot as a person but I just feel really guilty about this, and I'm considering quietly detaching from this friendship. Is this the right thing to do? (for his own sake) Some external perspective on this would be great.

  2. #2
    Member 31january's Avatar
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    apart from expressing concern about his change in habits, have you tried directly asking him why he's decided to make such a drastic change? i'd be abit alarmed too if I were you >.<

    Did he make it seem like being a teetotaler/non-smoker were particularly important to him before the change? Imo if they weren't really strong principles but something he just saw as a choice (or even something to keep up his image, since he's a nice guy and great student?) then his change now wouldn't be as great a concern to me.

    another possibility: maybe he associated those habits with a group/type of people he disliked, but since realized that you were a great person despite smoking/drinking and hence stopped feeling opposed to them?

    haha just throwing out a few scenarios where I wouldn't feel this change was a disturbing thing. but on the flip side of course there are less good reasons like thinking changing his habits would somehow impress you/ being less strong with his principles, so it's important that you ask him directly I guess! If he tries to change the topic/doesn't want to delve into why, i'd also be rather concerned.

  3. #3
    window shopper Typh0n's Avatar
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    I perosnally dont understand when people when to detach or break off a relation for the sake of the other person. How do you know you are not going to hurt them more? You're making a decision in the dark if you detach from the friendship, the only way to know whats best for himis to know his needs, and to know that you need to talk to him. You realize that by breaking off this friendship without warning you could seriously hurt him without your ever even knowing?

    Edit: Besides if it bothers you so much why do you drink and smoke? I know this isnt about you, but I just dont understand how a person could be so hyporitical? No offense. If you aerent strong enough to stomach the fact that a person isnt perfect then you shouldnt involve yourself in relations in the future. Because the truth is, you want to break this off, not to protect him, but to protect yourself.

  4. #4
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    Fe values are somewhat 'adaptable'. @31january has some good observations. I used to be against a lot of things I was taught was 'wrong', like drinking, smoking cigarettes and weed, etc. But after getting to know some great people who drink and smoke responsibly, I think my values have changed. Personally, I would never smoke myself, but I don't judge people for doing it anymore, now that I have a clearer picture of what goes on.

    I did have a drinking phase when I was twenty or so. I'd party almost every night and try all the cocktails and shots. I thought it was part of life and I wanted the experience, and since I was with people I trusted, I saw it as a good opportunity to do it, so I would know what it felt like.

    There might be something else there as well. If he likes you, maybe he is trying to create a 'common experience' with you. He wants to share your hobbies and interests, and maybe through adopting smoking/drinking, he feels 'closer' to you. I agree with talking to him about it directly, say you're concerned that you are being a bad influence, and you can even suggest that you liked it that he didn't smoke or drink. If he tones it down, I think it's a good sign that he really likes you.

    Fe is always open to suggestions, you know.
    4w5 sp/sx EII

  5. #5
    Dali
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    Quote Originally Posted by 31january View Post
    Did he make it seem like being a teetotaler/non-smoker were particularly important to him before the change?
    They were very important to him. Something about the sacrosanctness of his body blah blah str8-edge stuff. Basically, extremely important.

    another possibility: maybe he associated those habits with a group/type of people he disliked, but since realized that you were a great person despite smoking/drinking and hence stopped feeling opposed to them?
    He has no problem whatsoever interacting on a deeper level with people who drink/smoke/do pot and has several people he considers close friends who do.

    haha just throwing out a few scenarios where I wouldn't feel this change was a disturbing thing.
    That's your Ne doing what it does best.

    but on the flip side of course there are less good reasons like thinking changing his habits would somehow impress you/ being less strong with his principles...
    This is what I'm most concerned about.

    Quote Originally Posted by Typh0n View Post
    I perosnally dont understand when people when to detach or break off a relation for the sake of the other person. How do you know you are not going to hurt them more? You're making a decision in the dark if you detach from the friendship, the only way to know whats best for himis to know his needs, and to know that you need to talk to him. You realize that by breaking off this friendship without warning you could seriously hurt him without your ever even knowing?
    Which is why I'm here for some external perspective. I'm stewing in immense guilt and possibly not thinking clearly on this right now.

    Edit: Besides if it bothers you so much why do you drink and smoke? I know this isnt about you, but I just dont understand how a person could be so hyporitical? No offense. If you aerent strong enough to stomach the fact that a person isnt perfect then you shouldnt involve yourself in relations in the future. Because the truth is, you want to break this off, not to protect him, but to protect yourself.
    [/QUOTE]
    Hence my disclaimer. If I had my way, I'd actually personally prefer partying with a fellow smoker because I never have to be worried about my smoke bothering them. So the issue of perfection does not figure here.

    This guy has never tried narcotics and alcohol (I believed him when he told me this earlier on) and, before meeting me, had never been tempted to do so. Perhaps he wants to further connect with me (a Fe-thing, as described by 21% below) but, as much as I appreciate that, I don't want to connect in a way that detracts value from his life (ciggies are bad for you). I want to 'be good for' my friends and vice versa. I'm an adult, but, 3 years later, I still somewhat resent an old close pal who really encouraged a year-long destructive bender I went on that set me back an year in my life and lost me a lot of respect from my family. I don't want to be anywhere near an approximation of who that 'friend' was to me, you get me?

    Quote Originally Posted by 21% View Post
    Fe values are somewhat 'adaptable'. @31january has some good observations. I used to be against a lot of things I was taught was 'wrong', like drinking, smoking cigarettes and weed, etc. But after getting to know some great people who drink and smoke responsibly, I think my values have changed. Personally, I would never smoke myself, but I don't judge people for doing it anymore, now that I have a clearer picture of what goes on.

    I did have a drinking phase when I was twenty or so. I'd party almost every night and try all the cocktails and shots. I thought it was part of life and I wanted the experience, and since I was with people I trusted, I saw it as a good opportunity to do it, so I would know what it felt like.

    There might be something else there as well. If he likes you, maybe he is trying to create a 'common experience' with you. He wants to share your hobbies and interests, and maybe through adopting smoking/drinking, he feels 'closer' to you. I agree with talking to him about it directly, say you're concerned that you are being a bad influence, and you can even suggest that you liked it that he didn't smoke or drink. If he tones it down, I think it's a good sign that he really likes you.

    Fe is always open to suggestions, you know.
    Thanks so much 21; your post, along with 31January's has cleared a lot up for me and given me an idea on how to better handle this.

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