[NF] INFP Guys and INFJ Girls

[Salo425]

Hey all, this is my first post on here, which is weird. I was just wondering what other peoples' experience with INFP guy INFJ girl relationships were. I am also wondering if you've had experience with both parties being 4w5. Being an INFP guy, this isn't just out of curiosity but personal (you could probably tell by how specific I was) but I won't go into it.

 

[INTP]

from what i have noticed INFPs tend to be extremely submissive/agreeable and this is pretty much the opposite what(what seems from my experience) INFJs want. but ofc not INFPs are like that and maybe not INFJs are looking for a "strong"/assertive male. i mean INFJs tend to be pretty blunt and INFPs tend to start crying(or at least get deeply hurt) from that sort of bluntness..

 

[cafe]

I dunno. I've been with an INTP for 21 yrs and he isn't assertive. Stubborn as all hell, but not assertive. I get along with older INFP males AFAIK, but I'm not sure if I know any IRL.

 

[hazelsees]

The only experience I have with an INFP man is as a friend and co-worker. And...I'm trying to imagine myself in a romantic relationship with him...just because of your thread. That's what you're interested in, right?

I can't imagine ever being attracted to him in a that way. He's an amazing friend and is a calming presence in my life. It's like he just doesn't get riled up at all.
Background: our place of work does all sorts of testing; personality, leadership styles--can't think of them all now, so that's why I know everyone's "type". Except enneagram--no idea.
Also, our workplace has recently been damaged from storms, which is especially bad because we were set up as a community relief center from a previous storm. Anyway--lots of stress and not what you're asking. Except I've really got to know the INFP because he is sort of second-in-command while our ENFP leader is out of the country.
The positives: that calmness and thoughtfulness. Helps me to see/remember what I already know. He reminds me that some people act like a-holes when they are stressed. This is how they deal with stress and fear even....and never talks crap on them when they are being complete babies in the middle of chaos and crisis. I get to the point where I just want to tell them to put their big boy/girl pants on and deal! He grounds me and I can be calm after talking to him. (Not just this particular situation, but everyday stuff too.)
He does take action too, just a little more slowly than I would like sometimes.

The negatives: I don't enjoy his sense of humor. (Although the ENFPs that I know have me rolling on the floor). The before mentioned calmness is wonderful at times and annoying at times. This week, I wanted this INFP to show some passion and charisma. I wanted to jump up and down at times and yell--"ACTION, ACTION, ACTION!" Maybe because I'm an introvert, so I need my partner to start throwing out the possibilities and ideas. I'm used to our ENFP who does this easily.

SO....maybe if you're interested in an INFJ girl, be a little more passionate openly and throw out those ideas and visions as they come to you. Be out front--take action. Help her to take action too. She surely has many dreams and visions--encourage her to share those with you. And never discount her seemingly out-of-the-blue, no-facts-to-back-them-up visions. Help her find a way to use them.

I'm rambling, but I hope I had something useful to share.
I have 2 INFP female friends that I love dearly, as well as this INFP male co-worker and friend. All are precious to me. I truly respect their way of being.

 

[21%]

I've been in a relationship with an INFP guy for almost 5 years now, so this is right up my alley

I became interested in MBTI for the first time when I was trying to figure out my INFP boyfriend. In the beginning, it seemed we were so similar, but sometimes I would have absolutely no idea where he was coming from, and that was puzzling and intriguing.

Then I educated myself about Fe and Fi and I finally realized why I was feeling that way. I've said this before: the relationship is like looking in the mirror and seeing yourself, except that left is right and right is left. At times it is confusing. It helps a lot if you share most important values, because resolving a value conflict can be a long and painful process, because Fe and Fi are coming from totally opposite directions.

The most important thing that I've learned is: never feel that the other person's point of view is wrong or inferior. Usually, Fe (or Fi) has a perfectly good reason to behave that way, which can be unfathomable to you. Just remember that your Fi is probably as unfathomable to her. So, what will make it work is that if you both communicate a lot. Really sit yourselves down and talk about things in detail. The best way to resolve conflicts for me has been to validate each other's feelings and viewpoints, although you don't understand them. And, of course, like all relationships, it helps if you are both willing to do the work and try to understand a different perspective.

One little warning for the beginning: Fe likes to 'fix' things, a lot, and it may go far deeper than what is on the surface. You'll know what I mean

All that said, I think it's an extremely fulfilling relationship.

My boyfriend is 9w1, so your situation might be different. I know 4s have violent emotions, so when you're together maybe try to make sure you don't go off the edge at the same time. My boyfriend's 9-ness has been a very calming and grounding influence for me.

Good luck

 

[Fidelia]

I kind of dated a guy over a period of 6 months or so that tested as an INFP. On the surface, he didn't really seem like one - much more in chargey and talkey than the general stereotype.

On the other hand, he was also in a bad depression and probably not 100% true to his real character (on top of covering insecurities with a brave front). He was extremely interesting to me though - very capable at anything he was interested in, artistic, great cook, curious, fun to people watch with, excellent sense of humour, good at fixing things, good at teaching, great at getting me to try new things. Had the typical Lord of the Ringsy bent and good with computers.

I think the misunderstandings/conflict we had had more to do with other things going on in his life at the time than anything else. On the other hand, I think our communication styles were pretty different and had things gotten more serious there would have been some fireworks. Despite expressing surprise at some of the questions I asked, he was glad to talk about himself, sometimes telling things that he hadn't told anyone else. To me that was just a normal way of getting closer to people, but since my time on here, I've realized that those kinds of questions can be seen by Fi users as intrusive or probing. At the time I felt a little hurt that he didn't ask me much back. To some extent I think it had to do with his own issues, but I believe there was also a Fe/Fi element there. Since being on here, I've found that Fi users assume that you will share as you feel ready and that you will offer information spontaneously, while Fe users tend to offer a hint of information and assume you are not interested if you do not inquire further, so then they back off. That can feel like an unspoken rejection, when the Fi user didn't realize that there was any kind of transaction at all.

Overall, I think I was attracted to him over a period of time, but in the long term, I think it would have taken a lot of work to understand each other well.

I'm not really sure about his enneagram. I am a 1w2 so/sx, so I don't really fit the profile you are talking about either.

 

[sulfit]

Hey all, this is my first post on here, which is weird. I was just wondering what other peoples' experience with INFP guy INFJ girl relationships were. I am also wondering if you've had experience with both parties being 4w5. Being an INFP guy, this isn't just out of curiosity but personal (you could probably tell by how specific I was) but I won't go into it.

I'm of opinion that relationship between these types are best suited for friendship rather than romance, and discussions of all topics cultural, theoretical, philosophical, and esoteric.

In socionics these are predicted to be relations of quasi-identity, so INFJs and INFPs will enter into a lot of minor arguments but they generally cannot persuade one another, neither can they offend one another.

If you want to see relationships between other types see the intertype relationship chart.

 

[Ene]

I've known a few INFP guys in real life and honestly, I can't say that I could see myself actually being able to live with any of them on a day in and day out basis. I'm not quite sure why, except that being with an INFP for an extended period of time kind of drains me.


Maybe it is what Sulfit says,

In socionics these are predicted to be relations of quasi-identity, so INFJs and INFPs will enter into a lot of minor arguments but they generally cannot persuade one another, neither can they offend one another.

That constant not knowing where I stand and never getting a straight-forward answer, feeling like I have to translate what he's saying into a language [metaphorically speaking] that I can understand and filtering through all the stuff he throws out there [Ne?] is exhausting.

 

[sleuthiness]

From what I've gathered, the infj will eat the pants.

Their breasts bounce atop a sea of legs.

 

[xenaprincess]

I'm having issues with an INFJ coworker. We are okay friends. (He probably likes and respects me more than the other way around. btw he is gay).

We are both sensitive. If I had a personal issue and needed someone to talk to, he would be great at listening. INFJs seem to be very emotionally honest people. They might not say things off the bat, but if you had a question, they'd relate in a very down to earth way.

However much of the time, he drives me nuts, and not in a good way. He is much too dramatic for my tastes, too outwardly intense, and waaaay too sensitive. I'm sensitive too, but I don't show it, therefore I don't foist my sensitivities too obviously on others. I just stress myself out at home, later.

I feel I'm walking on eggshells with my friend, that he's listening intently to everything I say and relating them to himself, that he's aching for compliments and reassurances. It is painful, as if I'm being wrapped up by a stifling, siamese twin. It is probably worse right now because we are working on the same project. I think being with someone so sensitive (both him and me) is easier for those who are less sensitive themselves (ie; thinking types) because they don't have to be so consciously hyper-aware of all the *feelings* out there. It's like a mass of horrible land mines.

Anyway, just my 2 cents. I think I've generally done better with thinking types romantically, but that's just me.

 

[Standuble]

from what i have noticed INFPs tend to be extremely submissive/agreeable and this is pretty much the opposite what(what seems from my experience) INFJs want. but ofc not INFPs are like that and maybe not INFJs are looking for a "strong"/assertive male. i mean INFJs tend to be pretty blunt and INFPs tend to start crying(or at least get deeply hurt) from that sort of bluntness..

Not really submissive (unless submissiveness is valued e.g. S & M) but externally passive in the same manner as an INTP. INFPs become stressed when they put their own needs on hold so in a relationship the INFJ would perhaps be surprised and even unnerved when the INFPs becomes assertive, directive and dictative in pursuit of getting their own way. It may be a turn on or a turn off.

To the OP: I myself would not recommend an INFP male in most relationships because they don't really have anything to offer a mate and the mate would probably reach a point where they can't provide what the INFP wants. INFJs are a bit of a pain in the ass (especially when they create a strawman by criticising a poorly understood caricature of Fi and by extension INFP and under the belief they are correct spread the misinformation as fact) but I'll leave it up to you.

 

[21%]

Not really submissive (unless submissiveness is valued e.g. S & M) but externally passive in the same manner as an INTP. INFPs become stressed when they put their own needs on hold so in a relationship the INFJ would perhaps be surprised and even unnerved when the INFPs becomes assertive, directive and dictative in pursuit of getting their own way. It may be a turn on or a turn off.

I agree with this. INFPs generally do not naturally communicate needs very effectively -- it took us about 4 years before we finally learned how to communicate better.

To the OP: I myself would not recommend an INFP male in most relationships because they don't really have anything to offer a mate and the mate would probably reach a point where they can't provide what the INFP wants. INFJs are a bit of a pain in the ass (especially when they create a strawman by criticising a poorly understood caricature of Fi and by extension INFP and under the belief they are correct spread the misinformation as fact) but I'll leave it up to you.

Would you mind elaborating on this a bit? I'm interested.

 

[Standuble]

Would you mind elaborating on this a bit? I'm interested.

Which part? Most of the strengths of the INFP are locked up inside the Fi and that is a place where only the user themselves would enjoy (unless it provided another with the insights to improve their own personal journey.) You could have full access to it in a hypothetical scenario but think nothing of its contents and have no love for what the person created out of it. As such what the INFP can offer a mate lies in the other three functions which can be better received elsewhere (considering also that the first function overshadows the others.) I would say it would be a rather mediocre experience but that the INFJ stays intrigued because the INFP seems sweet but also withdrawn (aka there is some mystery regarding their character to keep you interested.)

As for the second part, my experiences with INFJs and Fe users is that they make really stupid mistakes when it comes to Fi users or come to incorrect perceptions about its nature. A perfect example would be that the Fi user did not love them in a relationship because they weren't all hugs or kisses or their lack of interpersonal assertion implied indifference. The Fe user then dumps the Fi user who whilst possibly not been that into the relationship could also have been in love with them (the infatuation becomes nothing short of colossal with the added frustration that it cannot be expressed.) The Fe user then complains that Fi users don't give a shit and/or are ungrateful and this colours the pre-conception of others (whilst they shack up with another Fe user who boasts of an inner world completely amoral and detached.)

Another such issue is a P/J one - in particular criticism of the Fi user for not conforming to social norms and/or established ethical and moral value systems. My research suggests that at their hearts the FJs do not believes themselves capable of such a task as determining for themselves moral values and cannot comprehend of a system that can (Fi). To them the notion that INFPs do not need to conform to these social norms through the belief that they are capable of being independent of society, able to build their own effective ethical systems to live by, be completely devout to their values entirely through volition and that they have a better understanding of ethics is completely ridiculous and perhaps dangerous. However the same people never stop to ask where the social norms and established ethics they respect actually came from.

 

[21%]

Thanks! I've been in a relationship with my INFP for almost five years now, so I'm interested in hearing other people's experience.

Which part? Most of the strengths of the INFP are locked up inside the Fi and that is a place where only the user themselves would enjoy (unless it provided another with the insights to improve their own personal journey.) You could have full access to it in a hypothetical scenario but think nothing of its contents and have no love for what the person created out of it. As such what the INFP can offer a mate lies in the other three functions which can be better received elsewhere (considering also that the first function overshadows the others.) I would say it would be a rather mediocre experience but that the INFJ stays intrigued because the INFP seems sweet but also withdrawn (aka there is some mystery regarding their character to keep you interested.)

The bolded is true. However, I think Fi is a very subjective, non-judgmental function (or at least judgmental in a different way), and it is in a way very accepting. Yes, it is intriguing, and not just because it is mysterious. From my experience I have found that with good communication, both Fe and Fi can learn from each other and can become more balanced. The learning process is usually full of (figurative) bloodshed along the way though.

As for the second part, my experiences with INFJs and Fe users is that they make really stupid mistakes when it comes to Fi users or come to incorrect perceptions about its nature. A perfect example would be that the Fi user did not love them in a relationship because they weren't all hugs or kisses or their lack of interpersonal assertion implied indifference. The Fe user then dumps the Fi user who whilst possibly not been that into the relationship could also have been in love with them (the infatuation becomes nothing short of colossal with the added frustration that it cannot be expressed.) The Fe user then complains that Fi users don't give a shit and/or are ungrateful and this colours the pre-conception of others (whilst they shack up with another Fe user who boasts of an inner world completely amoral and detached.)

This was the opposite way round in my experience. My INFP is quite physically expressive and used to feel extremely hurt when I didn't want to do it in public. I think enneagram types come into play a lot here as well. I got a feeling from your post that the INFJ in question was quite insecure and needed a lot of proactive affirmation. I think in my case I'm pretty intense, so I don't mind initiating things, and when I do my INFP usually responds well to it, so there was never a problem.

Another such issue is a P/J one - in particular criticism of the Fi user for not conforming to social norms and/or established ethical and moral value systems. My research suggests that at their hearts the FJs do not believes themselves capable of such a task as determining for themselves moral values and cannot comprehend of a system that can (Fi). To them the notion that INFPs do not need to conform to these social norms through the belief that they are capable of being independent of society, able to build their own effective ethical systems to live by, be completely devout to their values entirely through volition and that they have a better understanding of ethics is completely ridiculous and perhaps dangerous. However the same people never stop to ask where the social norms and established ethics they respect actually came from.

Yeah, I have to admit that this bothered me quite a bit at times. I had to do a lot of adjusting. However, I think in the recent months my INFP has also started to understand why social norms and 'rules' are there, so we are meeting each other half-way


I think INFP/INFJ relationships can work if both parties are mature enough. In my experience that had involved a lot of initial 'blind faith' to give it a real good chance before you can learn to understand each other. I've come to appreciate our differences and I think we fulfill each other in a way. Words of wisdom I read from a website at the beginning of the relationship that had helped a lot was "Each party tend to feel that their partner's way is inferior" -- so I was determined not to let this happen, and in conflicts I tried to accept the fact that we are different, and not wrong. That had helped a lot.

 

[EvangelineEmma]

I'm a bit paradoxical when it comes to my personality type; I process the world through the functions of an INFJ (using my ni to constantly wonder "why?" and desire to find underlying symbolism or meaning in everything; using Fe to figure out how my ideas impact the space between myself and others; using Ti to critically analyze everything in my own head from every angle to a fault until I've achieved the logical explanation I was searching for), and yet sometimes, I feel as though I observe it through the lens of an INFP.

I do not possess that imposing, strong-minded nature that INFJs seem to have, since I am usually very soft and sensitive to the criticism and opinions of others in an atypical way. I yearn for deep connections and unconditional acceptance from others (very idealistic of me, I know), yet unlike many of the INFP males I've known, don't wait to be approached passively, but instead, attempt to approach others more firmly once I've managed past my shyness and often self-disclose rather easily once I feel certain that the person I've approached appears to be interesting or reliable.

I value authenticity above all else and prefer being direct when expressing my feelings toward others and resolving a conflict, which makes it frustrating once an INFP (or perhaps, any IxxP in general) is inclined to withdraw from the situation and project mixed signals regarding their views on the situation. I need closure when it comes to issues, yet will go back and forth with it almost compulsively until I am certain that everything has been resolved; I feel as though an INFP however is usually a bit more detached from others emotionally and focuses more on their own feelings toward a situation, which can perhaps make them easier from them to simply walk away and shut you out of their life once they've tired of giving you chances and no longer feel as though you fit neatly into their inner value system).

I'm a soul searcher admittedly, but unlike INFPs, rely on the opinions I've gathered externally in order to later analyze them all critically to figure out the logic behind it all through Ti; INFPs probably long more so to go on solitary, introspective thoughts without being disturbed in order to accuraretely figure out what they truly desire and who they are. They don't seem to be the type whom would base their values excessively upon external opinions as I do myself.

I feel as if INFPs are very sweet, loveable people, but there are some incongruenices in the way we process and deal with different things in general that would probably prevent me from ever getting romantically involved with one; although I am not an organized, focused person at all, I have a more structured mindset than INFPs do that inclines me to want closure and leads me to desire to resolve everything through direct action. I could neevr simply just sit down, relax, and let it all be as it is whenever I feel stressed out, and never stop analyzing people and things enough in order to do so.

 

[SpankyMcFly]

Since being on here, I've found that Fi users assume that you will share as you feel ready and that you will offer information spontaneously, while Fe users tend to offer a hint of information and assume you are not interested if you do not inquire further, so then they back off. That can feel like an unspoken rejection, when the Fi user didn't realize that there was any kind of transaction at all.

Truth ^

I've been with a female INFJ myself (I know you're looking for female INFJ input) and Fidelia brings up a relevant aspect of an INFP/INFJ relationship. Knowing how to deal/understand the other persons F function and how it impacts how they communicate.

 

[SpankyMcFly]

I'm of opinion that relationship between these types are best suited for friendship rather than romance, and discussions of all topics cultural, theoretical, philosophical, and esoteric.

In socionics these are predicted to be relations of quasi-identity, so INFJs and INFPs will enter into a lot of minor arguments but they generally cannot persuade one another, neither can they offend one another.

If you want to see relationships between other types see the intertype relationship chart.

I want to agree with this, but two factors to consider that would impact this greatly are maturity/age and gender. By the later I mean I think that a male INFJ and female INFP are more likely to be "successful" long term, what with gender roles and whatnot... As to the former, well most healthy individuals tend to mellow out (with age/experience) and move to the middle and in that regards, anything is possible with enough work.

 

[SpankyMcFly]

...except that being with an INFP INFJ for an extended period of time kind of drains me.

Having been with an INFJ (female) for 3 years I can totally relate to this. From my prospective it was the constant emotional "pinging" and subject matter that sent me for a loop. I can only take so much emotion before I feel the urge to flee/shutdown.

 

[SpankyMcFly]

We are both sensitive. If I had a personal issue and needed someone to talk to, he would be great at listening. INFJs seem to be very emotionally honest people. They might not say things off the bat, but if you had a question, they'd relate in a very down to earth way.

However much of the time, he drives me nuts, and not in a good way. He is much too dramatic for my tastes, too outwardly intense, and waaaay too sensitive. I'm sensitive too, but I don't show it, therefore I don't foist my sensitivities too obviously on others. I just stress myself out at home, later.

I feel I'm walking on eggshells with my friend, that he's listening intently to everything I say and relating them to himself, that he's aching for compliments and reassurances. It is painful, as if I'm being wrapped up by a stifling, siamese twin. It is probably worse right now because we are working on the same project. I think being with someone so sensitive (both him and me) is easier for those who are less sensitive themselves (ie; thinking types) because they don't have to be so consciously hyper-aware of all the *feelings* out there. It's like a mass of horrible land mines

I totally relate to what you've brought up. At the time that it happened to my much younger self I took this to be just so much emotional manipulation. I was self censoring constantly. I've since learned to agree to disagree. Quite useful, hehe.

 

[SpankyMcFly]

Thanks! I've been in a relationship with my INFP for almost five years now, so I'm interested in hearing other people's experience.


The bolded is true. However, I think Fi is a very subjective, non-judgmental function (or at least judgmental in a different way), and it is in a way very accepting. Yes, it is intriguing, and not just because it is mysterious. From my experience I have found that with good communication, both Fe and Fi can learn from each other and can become more balanced. The learning process is usually full of (figurative) bloodshed along the way though.


This was the opposite way round in my experience. My INFP is quite physically expressive and used to feel extremely hurt when I didn't want to do it in public. I think enneagram types come into play a lot here as well. I got a feeling from your post that the INFJ in question was quite insecure and needed a lot of proactive affirmation. I think in my case I'm pretty intense, so I don't mind initiating things, and when I do my INFP usually responds well to it, so there was never a problem.


Yeah, I have to admit that this bothered me quite a bit at times. I had to do a lot of adjusting. However, I think in the recent months my INFP has also started to understand why social norms and 'rules' are there, so we are meeting each other half-way


I think INFP/INFJ relationships can work if both parties are mature enough. In my experience that had involved a lot of initial 'blind faith' to give it a real good chance before you can learn to understand each other. I've come to appreciate our differences and I think we fulfill each other in a way. Words of wisdom I read from a website at the beginning of the relationship that had helped a lot was "Each party tend to feel that their partner's way is inferior" -- so I was determined not to let this happen, and in conflicts I tried to accept the fact that we are different, and not wrong. That had helped a lot.

This "hopeful" and positive post warmed my heart greatly. You left the practical but very important stuff at the end so I will bring it to the front.

I think INFP/INFJ relationships can work if both parties are mature enough. In my experience that had involved a lot of initial 'blind faith' to give it a real good chance before you can learn to understand each other. I've come to appreciate our differences and I think we fulfill each other in a way. Words of wisdom I read from a website at the beginning of the relationship that had helped a lot was "Each party tend to feel that their partner's way is inferior" -- so I was determined not to let this happen, and in conflicts I tried to accept the fact that we are different, and not wrong. That had helped a lot.