I realize I haven't been that active on the forums lately, but I've definitely been around lurking, as I often find myself coming here for advice or comfort or even just to take my mind off of things that trouble me.
Now I would really appreciate your advice.
I am an INFP, have been dating an ENFJ (he tested ENFJ when I had him take the test about 5 months ago, and for the most part seems to fit that description though I have seen him make some surprisingly harsh judgments that have made me question it) for about 9 months now and I'm starting to get really worried about the relationship.
My biggest concern at this point is that our relationship has moved too quickly and that we don't have enough of a foundation built up to weather the kinds of stress all couples encounter after the initial glow begins to wear off. We moved in together after dating for just 5 months (not something I would normally do, but with our life circumstances it was either that or call it splits right then and there) and he has been supporting me for the past few months, which is something I hope to rectify ASAP now that I have a job and will soon see my paychecks start to roll in.
90% of the time things are absolutely wonderful--he's loving, supportive, we go out and do all kinds of fun and silly things together, cuddle for hours, but lately the dynamic has started to change. About once a week, he'll go through a day or so where he's completely down on himself and the world, cannot see any hope in anything at all, and gets into this state where he just repeatedly says "I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do." I'm not sure if I'm finally seeing sides of him I didn't see before or if he's changed since I met him due to stress and other factors in his life. He recently turned 30, which seems to be a large stressor for him, as if he's reached some arbitrary number by which he intended to have accomplished a list of things, and he feels like a failure because he hasn't.
I guess what I want to know is how can I help him through these periods of despair where the whole world seems bleak and he loses interest in everything but how awful he feels? As an INFP, my initial impulse is to try to comfort, but maybe I'm going about it all wrong. ENFJs--when you're feeling really down, do you want to be left alone or cuddled or dragged outside and forced to be social, or something else entirely?
The other problem that I've been really struggling with in my own self has been that when he gets all down and insecure, I start to get anxious and insecure as well, and start feeling as if I'm the one to blame for his unhappiness. Which I'm sure doesn't help him at all with whatever guilt or anxiety he may be feeling, and it turns into this awful trainwreck of uncontrolled emotion and resentment. When it first started happening these episodes seemed to blow over quickly and we'd return to our normal happy relationship, but they seem to be lasting longer and longer, and last night we had one of our first legitimate fights, where I admit that I became rather nasty with him and said some things that probably sounded like an oblique threat to leave him. I really regret having made those comments, and I don't know what to do now. He's mentioned that he's been hurt in the past and he told me that almost every woman he's dated has at some point told him that "they feel like they're holding him back"; it's true, I do feel that way when he rants about how crappy his life is and then goes on about how much he loved some girl in the past and how great his life was then. He's said that those comments have always come before a breakup, and well--I'm starting to wonder if it's going to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I realize that I really need to work on not internalizing his moods or pressing him for reassurance when he's already feeling down, because usually then his answer tends to be either an ambivalent "I don't know what I want" or a melodramatic recounting of the various wrongs I've committed against him. Lately it's gotten to a point, though, where I'm actually not sure where I stand with him and I wonder if he might actually be happier if we went our separate ways. I really really care about him, but I'm not going to sit around and wait to have my heart broken while he flails around being unhappy and then finally has some kind of epiphany that I'm not the right one for him and leaves me.
Please, ENFJs (or anyone else who has been in this situation), could I get some insights and advice? Is this one of those ENFJ just testing me out to see how loyal I am episodes or should I be legitimately worried that he seems so unhappy? I'm reaching a breaking point where nothing I do can make him feel better and he seems to be pining after something that's missing from his life and so all that's left to conclude is that I must be the cause of his misery and therefore I should leave for both of our sakes.