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  1. #11
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Glycerine View Post
    IT SHOULD NOT BE NORMALIZED AS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FE AND FI.




    @Roheline
    However, the difference between Fe and Fi is real and sometimes you need a lot of adjusting. If that is the case (which I don't think it is), feel free to ask away. There are loads of threads about Fi/Fe communication issues.
    4w5 sp/sx EII

  2. #12
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    Thanks, guys.


    For the moment I've decided to try to back way off and give him more space and time by himself, to the extent that I can while we're living together (probably more weekends where I insist that we go off and have separate adventures or just have more time to ourselves). Maybe we both just need time to reassess the relationship and see if it's something we want to continue with.

    I've only been in a few longer-term relationships (though they were all very positive experiences and left me only better as a person...not much baggage there) before this one and so I admit that my own issues and relative inexperience are certainly contributing to our problems and that I need to try to be more objective and less sensitive.

    I often have this feeling that despite everything I do to try to be supportive and show that I care, I'm somehow still missing the mark in terms of what he needs. Anyone else here who has cared about an ENFJ have advice on what kind of support they want from their loved ones when they're down?

  3. #13
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    Through the lens of Fe, every action you take is going to have meaning to him and he's going to likely go with the most negative interpretation based upon your descriptions of his current state of mind. You backing off will more likely send a message of you backing away, even if you state otherwise.

    So, the first thing you need to do imo is decide if you want to be with this man at least for the short term. If the answer is yes, then you need to invest the time with these great big feelings of his to help him examine their origins. imo, this is not the time to back away, but of course you know the situation best and I won't presume to know any better.

    But just as fyi, since he is Fe dom, he will tend to look first to the outside world to blame something OUT THERE for making him feel bad. Because you are Fi dom, you may tend to look to the INSIDE first and conclude if he's upset with anything or with you, then you must be at fault, and you are more likely to blame yourself. You might find yourself apologetic for things that you really don't own here. It will feed the cycle of this blame game.

    The best way that you as an Fi dom can support an Fe dom is take the position that when they are venting out all this negative emotion, it's not about you. Let me repeat: it's not about you.

    (Oh, it might be about you at the end, but if you can't manage the out-lash of negative stuff off the hop, you'll not get to the point where there's some examination of the interior of this man and you won't be able to use your own intuition because you'll be too busy focussing on how you feel.)

    As an Fi dom, you may over time find yourself challenged by Fe standards. Challenged that everything you do is catalogued away in that heart of theirs as you supporting them or not supporting them. The upside is that the love you receive will be incredibly warm and supportive of you personally. Every relationship comes with pros and cons, so if you feel strongly about this guy, you will need to appear to be in the ring, on his side, and if he's facing depression or another challenge to say it straight out how you feel about his behaviour of late, and that professional assistance might be in order.

    Good luck to you!
    "Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one."
    Eleanor Roosevelt


    "When people see some things as beautiful,
    other things become ugly.
    When people see some things as good,
    other things become bad."
    Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

  4. #14
    Just a note... LittleV's Avatar
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    As a habitual Fe-user, an E2 after 4 and someone who’s close with a couple ENFJ’s… I will note that he may lack the maturity to be a long-term partner if he cannot handle his own emotions and is burdening you. If he is ‘healthy’ and not suffering from some form of mental illness, then this is still a turning point. If things are shifting this drastically, the chances are they have to do with the relationship; otherwise, outside stressors would be brought up without personal resistance. If I were you, I’d tell him that I had noticed changes in the relationship… and, whatever the reasons may be, that the relationship may not stand the test of time if communication would stay this rocky. Mention that you’d need his help in order to help the both of you. If I’d rant, it’d be often due to an ongoing state that I’d want to be rid of. I do try to hide dissatisfaction… and then they might all come out during one go. The best someone could do for me during those times is to openly communicate with me and supportively ask me what may be wrong. If I’d be blatantly unyielding, then at that point, it’d be best to leave me alone… (sometimes for good)… or I could become resentful/frustrated or emotionally checkout.

    Now, based on the ENFJ’s I know… you must first find out whether his issues pertain to the relationship and whether he is trying to make excuses for drifting away, before you either distance yourself or lend support. If he is turning away… there are only so many things you could assess/do in order to mend things (e.g. effective communication, conflict resolution, etc.)… and they’d have to be done sooner rather than later. But if you’d want to show general support as a couple while gauging whether his behavior would change, you could surprise him with a mini-trip or gift, and reiterate to him how much he means to you. Reaffirming him about the positives of your relationship (and you) could help correct things (and enliven the spark) and provide him with the support any person with a heart would appreciate. Just keep in the mind of the possibility and repercussions of him not being ‘healthy.’ Good luck and take care.

  5. #15
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    Listen to Peacebaby. She is wise

    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceBaby View Post
    Through the lens of Fe, every action you take is going to have meaning to him and he's going to likely go with the most negative interpretation based upon your descriptions of his current state of mind. You backing off will more likely send a message of you backing away, even if you state otherwise.
    This is spot on. As an Fe person, I don't want space. I want us to work things out.

    What I love about my INFP is that he is always there. I know I can be emotional and dramatic, but when I'm having a crying bout like it's the end of the world, he just listens and says it's going to be okay, and that is usually enough for me.

    However, I do take care not to make it so that he can jump to the conclusion that I am unhappy with him in anyway. Any responsible Fe user will try to do this. I will clearly identify the specific problems, or at least try to reach some understanding of why I am feeling terrible, during the course of my 'venting'. Most of the time, it is not "me against the universe", it's "me and him against the universe".

    Maybe this is why I saw red flags in your original post when he starts listing your wrongs against him. It is entirely possible that he is not thinking clearly and is overwhelmed by emotions or stress at the point and forgets to think about your feelings. One clear telling sign might be how he reacts when you try to address these problems. If he is sincerely sorry (and shocked -- since Fe users usually consider themselves very sensitive and caring), there is a good chance he will try to be more considerate in the future. If not, then maybe it is time to rethink the relationship.
    4w5 sp/sx EII

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