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  1. #1
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    Default INFP Mother & Daughter's Dating Nightmare

    Hi all,

    I'm hoping that there are some xNFP mothers out there that can relate to this and, after going through this themselves, offer advice.


    My girlfriend (24, eSFJ) and her mother (50ish?, INFP) are a case study in extreme Fi vs Fe. We'll call my girlfriend Sarah and her mother Jane (I'm sick of typing "her mother" and "my girlfriend" etc repeatedly...).

    Jane, as the Fi that she is, simply does not consider the emotions of other people when forming, expressing, and dealing with hers and others' opinions. Regardless of how rational/logical/well-thought-out anything Sarah does is, her mother will express how horrible it is until she herself comes to the same conclusion.

    So, whenever Sarah brings anything up and is distressing to Jane, Jane will strongly assert her opinion that it is horrible - and so are all the people that were involved. When Sarah got an apartment, it was obviously her best friend's bad influence on her so her mother then hated and demonized the best friend. When Sarah bought a car, it was obviously her "power-hungry" friend (me), so she demonized me. When Sarah has a boyfriend, such person is the most evil person in the world - so much so it justifies long notes talking about how they're just going to use her and force her to have sex and give her STDs and just completely dominate her life and suppress her free will (note: this is NOT an exaggeration).

    So then Sarah turns around and argues back... But then her mother [appears to] completely shut down because she can't deal with the destruction of her internal emotional balance. So then Sarah, the Fe that she is, backs off because there is now external emotional disharmony. Consequently, she simply cannot (and never has been able to) talk about any serious issues with her mother because her mother will explode, demonize it, and then be unable to process a response.

    So, naturally, her mother doesn't know we've been in a relationship since last July.

    If Sarah's father (INTJ, probably) were still alive, it would definitely help, but he passed away about three years ago (I think). (Note: of all possible ways a family can lose a husband/father, the way that he passed away was the least traumatic.) (Note #2: her mother's behavior did not change at that point. It has always been this horrible.)

    I intend to ask Sarah to marry me. We both want this, but we agreed at the very beginning that it will not happen until her mother knows... And she still doesn't.

    I would greatly appreciate ANY ideas ANYBODY has about telling her - especially if you have been in the position or a similar position to Jane.

    Thanks in advance!
    Intuition is the supra-logic that cuts out all the routine processes of thought and leaps straight from the problem to the answer.

  2. #2
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    Yes, I have, numerous times. I've helped her with a few things in the past and she knows me.
    Intuition is the supra-logic that cuts out all the routine processes of thought and leaps straight from the problem to the answer.

  3. #3
    Strongly Ambivalent Ivy's Avatar
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    As an INFP mother, I simply can't relate to the idea of not considering the emotions of other people when forming/expressing my own opinions about their behavior. I may not do it in the same way as a person who leads with Fe, but having harmony with and truly understanding my children (and having them know that they are truly understood) are extremely important to me.

    To be honest I don't identify with any of Jane's actions in your post, they are so extreme. It's a foreign mindset to me. Which is why it seems like you might be demonizing Jane a bit in your language about her. Either you are not giving an objective account of the details or Jane is mentally ill, and if that's the case then talking to other INFP mothers is not going to be much help. I would urge you to really try to take an objective look at that as well. Be frank with yourself- are you trying to see her perspective at all? If after you do this it does turn out that Jane is most likely mentally ill, you may need to adjust your expectations of how normal a relationship you can have with her- I recommend a book called "Children of the Self-Absorbed" for tips on how to forge a workable relationship with someone who is toxic but whom you can't cut out entirely.

    I know it must be frustrating not to feel able to be open with your girlfriend's mother about your relationship. I hope you reach some resolution soon.

  4. #4
    Senior Member The Great One's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by alakazam View Post
    Hi all,

    I'm hoping that there are some xNFP mothers out there that can relate to this and, after going through this themselves, offer advice.


    My girlfriend (24, eSFJ) and her mother (50ish?, INFP) are a case study in extreme Fi vs Fe. We'll call my girlfriend Sarah and her mother Jane (I'm sick of typing "her mother" and "my girlfriend" etc repeatedly...).

    Jane, as the Fi that she is, simply does not consider the emotions of other people when forming, expressing, and dealing with hers and others' opinions. Regardless of how rational/logical/well-thought-out anything Sarah does is, her mother will express how horrible it is until she herself comes to the same conclusion.

    So, whenever Sarah brings anything up and is distressing to Jane, Jane will strongly assert her opinion that it is horrible - and so are all the people that were involved. When Sarah got an apartment, it was obviously her best friend's bad influence on her so her mother then hated and demonized the best friend. When Sarah bought a car, it was obviously her "power-hungry" friend (me), so she demonized me. When Sarah has a boyfriend, such person is the most evil person in the world - so much so it justifies long notes talking about how they're just going to use her and force her to have sex and give her STDs and just completely dominate her life and suppress her free will (note: this is NOT an exaggeration).

    So then Sarah turns around and argues back... But then her mother [appears to] completely shut down because she can't deal with the destruction of her internal emotional balance. So then Sarah, the Fe that she is, backs off because there is now external emotional disharmony. Consequently, she simply cannot (and never has been able to) talk about any serious issues with her mother because her mother will explode, demonize it, and then be unable to process a response.

    So, naturally, her mother doesn't know we've been in a relationship since last July.

    If Sarah's father (INTJ, probably) were still alive, it would definitely help, but he passed away about three years ago (I think). (Note: of all possible ways a family can lose a husband/father, the way that he passed away was the least traumatic.) (Note #2: her mother's behavior did not change at that point. It has always been this horrible.)

    I intend to ask Sarah to marry me. We both want this, but we agreed at the very beginning that it will not happen until her mother knows... And she still doesn't.

    I would greatly appreciate ANY ideas ANYBODY has about telling her - especially if you have been in the position or a similar position to Jane.

    Thanks in advance!
    OMG! Jane is a 1w2 with a stick up her ass. Your problem isn' t Fe so much as it is an Fe user who is a 1w2. That's my most hated type.

  5. #5
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    there's something else going on with jane than type related stuff. like a personality disorder. wait that's mean I dunno but something psychologically at least. because healthy types don't act this way. could be an ESTJ stuck in an INFP shadow, just a thought.
    In no likes experiment.

    that is all

    i dunno what else to say so

  6. #6
    Strongly Ambivalent Ivy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Great One View Post
    OMG! Jane is a 1w2 with a stick up her ass. Your problem isn' t Fe so much as it is an Fe user who is a 1w2. That's my most hated type.
    Jane is the Fi user in the OP. OP's gf is the Fe user.

  7. #7
    Vaguely Precise Seymour's Avatar
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    Umm... your description sounds way more like some kind of personality disorder (like borderline personality disorder, narcissism, etc) than any kind of healthy Fi. At a surface level, it seems like Jane is threatened by others getting close to her daughter, and not okay with Sarah having her own opinions and relationships. That's not MBTI type.

  8. #8
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Yeah, the only type that is is crazy. All you can do with crazy is damage control. Elope and move several hours away. Visit one or two times a year and stay in a hotel when you do.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  9. #9
    Senior Member The Great One's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Jane is the Fi user in the OP. OP's gf is the Fe user.
    Either way, she seems like an unhealthy 1 with a stick up her ass.

  10. #10
    Senior Member captain curmudgeon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Great One View Post
    OMG! Jane is a 1w2 with a stick up her ass. Your problem isn' t Fe so much as it is an Fe user who is a 1w2. That's my most hated type.
    That someone would post something like this in such a serious topic thread is incredibly juvenile.


    Moving on, @cafe seems to have provided the best way to immediately proceed, both in this conversation and in action. That said, if/when you confront her mother, I would definitely recommend that you make every effort to demonstrate that your girlfriend has come to any decisions on her own and without any coercion from you.
    Jarlaxle: fact checking this thread makes me want to go all INFP on my wrists

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