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  1. #1
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    Default Privacy or "the other man"?

    I'm not sure if this thread is in the proper place, but I am sure someone will be along and move it if it is not.

    Straight to the point, then. I have been seeing a woman for close to a year now. We live a few hours away from each other. She is an ENFP and I am an INTJ. I thought things were going along fine with us, considering the distance and her schedule. Two months ago she said she wanted to take our relationship back a notch or two. Meaning and saying slow it down and look at expectations. I agreed. Now, thinking back over several things, I am wondering if I have been unbelievably clueless. She is a very private person, which I can respect, however, I am questioning the reasons for this privacy. Input would be of interest, please.

    The facts:

    a) She comes to my apartment and has said that I cannot come to her's out of respect for her roommate, who is her ex-boyfriend. She said they have an agreement to not bring dates/lovers home.
    b) I have never met any of her friends and I am unlikely to.
    c) She has told only one or two people she is seeing me.
    d) Although we are both online and are aware of that, she will contact me only after a certain time of night. There are a few exceptions to this, but it is rare.
    e) When we do talk, she is often distracted by phone calls, either personal or work, or a chat room she frequents. We use Skype and most nights our total talk time, if it was compared to face to face, is anywhere from five minutes to twenty minutes.
    f) She will drive up to see me once or twice a month for the weekend. She tells me she will be here on Saturday, but does not get here until Saturday night. About fifty percent of the time she will leave Sunday afternoon, the other fifty percent Monday morning.

    I am not sure how I feel about any of this, I think at this point, perhaps indifferent, but as I said, I would like some input.

  2. #2
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Well, I wouldn't know for sure what is actually going on in her personal life or what she is thinking, but a lot of the things you describe don't really make a good relationship regardless of the reasons behind them. It really doesn't sound like you have a lot of quality time going on, you're not really part of her life, and it just seems odd to me that an extroverted person would have you so blocked out of her life and doesn't very often engage you; I would expect far more interaction with someone she was serious about.

    Everyone is different and needs different amounts of interaction, but even her decision to "dial things back" to me just reaffirms that she's not really invested in this relationship. I mean, if you were to just end it right now, she wouldn't really lose much at all, and her life wouldn't change much if at all. Some of it could also be distance -- you were someone she'd be more into if you were close by, but it's hard to have a steady relationship with someone who is so far away, and that drive would be hard even if you like someone.
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  3. #3
    Senior Member Winds of Thor's Avatar
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    That really sucks. She sounds too selfish to be in this relationship. Her rules sound borderline weird. Kick her to the curb. Other girls will come along and you'll get a good one.

    P.S. Don't be surprised by what you hear if you ask her if she's been shacking up with her 'roomate'.
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  4. #4
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    I think you should date someone who lives close by.

  5. #5
    Rainy Day Woman MDP2525's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CowboyJack View Post
    I'm not sure if this thread is in the proper place, but I am sure someone will be along and move it if it is not.

    Straight to the point, then. I have been seeing a woman for close to a year now. We live a few hours away from each other. She is an ENFP and I am an INTJ. I thought things were going along fine with us, considering the distance and her schedule. Two months ago she said she wanted to take our relationship back a notch or two. Meaning and saying slow it down and look at expectations. I agreed. Now, thinking back over several things, I am wondering if I have been unbelievably clueless. She is a very private person, which I can respect, however, I am questioning the reasons for this privacy. Input would be of interest, please.

    The facts:

    a) She comes to my apartment and has said that I cannot come to her's out of respect for her roommate, who is her ex-boyfriend. She said they have an agreement to not bring dates/lovers home.
    b) I have never met any of her friends and I am unlikely to.
    c) She has told only one or two people she is seeing me.
    d) Although we are both online and are aware of that, she will contact me only after a certain time of night. There are a few exceptions to this, but it is rare.
    e) When we do talk, she is often distracted by phone calls, either personal or work, or a chat room she frequents. We use Skype and most nights our total talk time, if it was compared to face to face, is anywhere from five minutes to twenty minutes.
    f) She will drive up to see me once or twice a month for the weekend. She tells me she will be here on Saturday, but does not get here until Saturday night. About fifty percent of the time she will leave Sunday afternoon, the other fifty percent Monday morning.

    I am not sure how I feel about any of this, I think at this point, perhaps indifferent, but as I said, I would like some input.
    All that is sketch - for any type.

    My ENFP best friend did this sort of stuff with her on/off again relationship. She was cheating on that person. My ESTJ ex had similar "privacy" issues - he was cheating on me.

    Basically, it's not normal and you should be wary. You're being played.
    ~luck favors the ready~


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  6. #6
    Senior Member Bamboo's Avatar
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    You left your question open ended, so my input would be that it sounds like it's more effort than it's worth, even if she wasn't cheating, which is highly questionable.

    I wouldn't automatically disqualify someone for a living with ex situation, though it would catch my eye. I'm not sure how I'd interpret the "can't bring home lovers" situation, but it seems odd. Is this like a "running out the lease together" type thing, or did they just never find their own places? I wouldn't rule out them being cool with each other as friends, but then the "can't bring other's home" situation doesn't make sense.

    I'm not sure what you'd describe this situation as (you're "seeing her"), but it's like a half-rate unreliable FWB. Which I guess would be acceptable if you were really busy and had nothing else going, but personally a lot of that would just annoy me. For the same amount of effort I'd imagine I rather be by myself but have less scheduling issues.

    Then again, I don't mind talking to people only every once in a while, and if there was some (occasional) sexual/romantic element that would be ok, but it wouldn't be anything I'd commit to.

    Aside from distractions do you actually enjoy your skype time? Visiting time?
    Don't know how much it'll bend til it breaks.

  7. #7
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    I do enjoy our time when we Skype. We also enjoy our time together when she is here. The situation with her ex is financial. About the time we got together, her employment contract ran out and he was looking for a place to live. Having him move back in cut very expensive rent in half. They were together for several years, but the last half of those years were as roommates. One of the agreements they made when he moved in was that out of courtesy for the other, neither would bring someone home. I personally would not agree to that, but I can see where some might.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Bamboo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CowboyJack View Post
    I do enjoy our time when we Skype. We also enjoy our time together when she is here. The situation with her ex is financial. About the time we got together, her employment contract ran out and he was looking for a place to live. Having him move back in cut very expensive rent in half. They were together for several years, but the last half of those years were as roommates. One of the agreements they made when he moved in was that out of courtesy for the other, neither would bring someone home. I personally would not agree to that, but I can see where some might.
    Hmm.

    Well I'm not sure what to tell ya. I'm not going to arrive at any conclusions without more definitive evidence (which you probably don't have), but I can understand your questioning or being unsure. It's probably worth noting that aside from privacy or cheating there might be luke-warm interest, stress, communication issues, interest but commitment issues, etc etc etc.

    I can say that I wouldn't agree to that move in agreement either - not in the long term. I like having my space, a "Home court." One part of me reads that at face value as courtesy, but you could fill in the blanks other ways, too. Of course, just because you can fill in the blanks doesn't mean you must.

    So she shows up late sometimes and is otherwise distracted. When you say you talk for 5-20 minutes, is she engaged in the conversation?

    Or, better question: describe a typical or summarize a few recent skype chats. Same thing with a meetup.

    And what sort of relationship expectations are you talking about?
    Don't know how much it'll bend til it breaks.

  9. #9
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Whether she's supposed to be being monogamous with someone else or just being private, it seems as though she is treating you more like a booty call than a significant other. This kind of relationship has pros and cons. If you're looking for a life partner, though, I suspect she is not a good candidate for that.
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  10. #10
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    This one is pretty simple.

    Dump her.

    (Was that too blunt?)

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