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  1. #11
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    What she has told me is that she does, indeed, have commitment issues. She suspects she has an attachment disorder. She has also said that it takes her years to decide to commit to a relationship. As for the Skype conversations, sometimes she is very engaged, others not. She will tell me when she on the phone or distracted otherwise. When she is here, we will sometimes get online and it will be a shared activity. Most of our time when she is here is spent talking, watching movies, or just hanging out. Concerning the sex, being male, of course I would like more, but there are times when she says she just isn't "feeling very sexy". I would say we have sex twice, at the very least, when she comes up. As far as "snuggling" and "cuddling", she is the one that initiates it most of the time.

  2. #12
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    If you just enjoy having someone screw with your head, you're all set. Some unhealthy FPs can keep something like this going for years. Then, if you're lucky, they move on.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  3. #13
    Senior Member Bamboo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CowboyJack View Post
    What she has told me is that she does, indeed, have commitment issues. She suspects she has an attachment disorder. She has also said that it takes her years to decide to commit to a relationship. As for the Skype conversations, sometimes she is very engaged, others not. She will tell me when she on the phone or distracted otherwise. When she is here, we will sometimes get online and it will be a shared activity. Most of our time when she is here is spent talking, watching movies, or just hanging out. Concerning the sex, being male, of course I would like more, but there are times when she says she just isn't "feeling very sexy". I would say we have sex twice, at the very least, when she comes up. As far as "snuggling" and "cuddling", she is the one that initiates it most of the time.
    Ok, well you have enough of something going that I can see some appeal in maintaining it, but unless you can reasonably expect some sort of change in her behavior, the harsh fact is you probably can at least find someone local who would do the same things. Obviously you can't replace her as a person, but that sort of hanging out and hooking up is well...the norm. You can find that with a lot of people.

    I know it's hard to ignore sunk costs, but a fresh start might make the most sense.

    My often laid back nature in this realm (dealing with uncertainty) has put me in some long distance as well as undefined situations. None of them were really bad or destructive for me, if anything I enjoyed them, more positive then negative, though I suppose there were rough/uncomfortable spots.

    But if I had a fault it would more likely be staying in a situation that really doesn't work that well but adapting to it anyway rather than not giving something a chance, so keep that in mind, that's my POV.
    Don't know how much it'll bend til it breaks.

  4. #14
    pathwise dependent FDG's Avatar
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    Is she the one always driving up to see you? I guess after all the whole situation doesn't sound too bad, unless you were looking for something long-term.
    ENTj 7-3-8 sx/sp

  5. #15
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    Yes, she does all the driving. I am bouncing back and forth about what is going on. One minute I'm thinking she must want something with me or she would not be doing all that driving. She contacts me daily, she puts up with my INTJ grumpiness. It seems like more then just a booty call. Then I will think about the things in my first post and wonder if I'm just blind.

  6. #16
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CowboyJack View Post
    Yes, she does all the driving. I am bouncing back and forth about what is going on. One minute I'm thinking she must want something with me or she would not be doing all that driving. She contacts me daily, she puts up with my INTJ grumpiness. It seems like more then just a booty call. Then I will think about the things in my first post and wonder if I'm just blind.
    Sorry to hear about this scenario.

    It reads like a power imbalance to me - like she is in complete control of the communication. I would recommend looking for other romantic possibilities and ask other women out, so that you do not direct your entire emotional investment in her. Then it might also be interesting to break her rules and see what happens? Start communicating on your terms, whenever you desire a conversation or visit. That could bring everything to the surface, so that you are not wondering what is going on.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

    I want to be just like my mother, even if she is bat-shit crazy.

  7. #17
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    a lot of the things you describe don't really make a good relationship regardless of the reasons behind them.
    This is my thought as well.

    I rarely tend to advocate assuming there's "another man" unless the signals are very clear, and in this case they seem ambiguous. It sounds like she does have pretty significant attachment/commitment issues. At the same time, it seems like she's doing some degree of initiation to maintain the relationship. Perhaps she's cheating; it certainly seems like that could be a possibility. However, perhaps she just doesn't "do" much closeness. I have an ENFP friend who is like this - she likes to dip her toes in a little playful engagement and then run for the hills. She's not a cheater, but she doesn't really do commitment, either.

    I think that given you are both Te/Fi, it could be useful to sit her down for a heart-to-heart about how you are concerned that she might not be feeling invested in the relationship. My personal instinct is to just rip all the issues open and see where you both stand, and whether it's worth continuing or not. Like others have voiced, it doesn't seem like you stand much to lose - at least nothing that cannot be recreated with another person more willing to explicitly and behaviorally commit.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bamboo
    Ok, well you have enough of something going that I can see some appeal in maintaining it, but unless you can reasonably expect some sort of change in her behavior, the harsh fact is you probably can at least find someone local who would do the same things. Obviously you can't replace her as a person, but that sort of hanging out and hooking up is well...the norm. You can find that with a lot of people.

    I know it's hard to ignore sunk costs, but a fresh start might make the most sense.
    Yes.

    Do you like the relationship the way it is now? Or do you desire more involvement in her life? I think that is the biggest factor in deciding whether to stay with this or whether to ditch it, assuming she's not cheating, because maybe she will be willing to include you more slowly over time, but for the most part, I think that you will be dealing with this distance for the rest of your relationship.

  8. #18
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    Do you like the relationship the way it is now? Or do you desire more involvement in her life? I think that is the biggest factor in deciding whether to stay with this or whether to ditch it, assuming she's not cheating, because maybe she will be willing to include you more slowly over time, but for the most part, I think that you will be dealing with this distance for the rest of your relationship.
    Yup. It's really a matter of, "Are you happy with this the way it is right now, assuming it doesn't change?"
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  9. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by CowboyJack View Post
    The facts:

    a) She comes to my apartment and has said that I cannot come to her's out of respect for her roommate, who is her ex-boyfriend. She said they have an agreement to not bring dates/lovers home.
    b) I have never met any of her friends and I am unlikely to.
    c) She has told only one or two people she is seeing me.
    d) Although we are both online and are aware of that, she will contact me only after a certain time of night. There are a few exceptions to this, but it is rare.
    e) When we do talk, she is often distracted by phone calls, either personal or work, or a chat room she frequents. We use Skype and most nights our total talk time, if it was compared to face to face, is anywhere from five minutes to twenty minutes.
    f) She will drive up to see me once or twice a month for the weekend. She tells me she will be here on Saturday, but does not get here until Saturday night. About fifty percent of the time she will leave Sunday afternoon, the other fifty percent Monday morning.

    I am not sure how I feel about any of this, I think at this point, perhaps indifferent, but as I said, I would like some input.
    its entirely possible she is telling the truth, but not plausible. most likely there are a few dozen big lies there - possibly lies of omission. people generally want to spend time with their lovers, so they make time and prioritize. if she was in love with you she wouldn't be doing it for you, she would be doing it because she herself would feel the need to spend more time with you, it would naturally become a priority for her over other needs, and this is clearly not the case. likewise, with my experience with ENFPs - if you're a friend of an ENFP and they are in love, you know about it, they do not do a very good job holding that a secret. again, with her friends this is clearly not the case.

    one possibility is that she is outright cheating with you on someone else, another is that she is living in some sort of limbo - broken up with her boyfriend but not telling anyone but one or two, and living as if she isn't.

    if you have no problem being her secret friend and fuck buddy, there's no problem there, just don't put all your cards in one place.

    however, if you are emotionally involved with her, i have bad news, it doesn't look like she is particularly emotionally involved with you.

  10. #20
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    Thank you all for the replies. I have found out a few things. Her words:

    I don't want to be in a relationship
    I do dearly love you and think you are an amazing, sensitive and deeply caring person
    I love having sex with you
    I love hanging out and spending time
    I don't want there to be unrealistic expectations
    I'm insanely private
    We have a pleasant mellow time together
    Long distance relationships often just don't work well
    So, there it is.

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