User Tag List

12 Last

Results 1 to 10 of 17

  1. #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Posts
    5

    Default INTJ seeks help with INFJ that just broke up with him

    I have been dating an INTJ for just short of a year. It was intense and fast. We lived together after a few weeks. I just came out of a 18 year relationship and have three kids and this caused a lot of doubt that I could love her. Our biggest issue was that we both drank too much (not crazy but too much) and I am not pleasant when drinking, not horrible but insecure and not loving. She lost her faith in my security and she moved out in February. I quit drinking and everything seemed to be going great. We got back together and both professed undying love for each other.

    Suddenly, she emails me to inform me that she is leaving to go visit her family in Michigan (she is a recent transplant to California and has no ties, work or otherwise here and feels the need to help her family that is in a time of crisis.) but that she also need the time to think and figure out where she was going with her life and us. She mellowed out a little and when she left she promised (a promise is golden for her) to return in a few short weeks and that she loved me. It has been two months now.

    The first two weeks were very hard. She hardly talked to me as she needed time to recharge and figure things out. It then became great, good conversations, missing each other, love, etc..but she could not pull the trigger to return to CA. She never promised a date but on a few occasions asked if she could come on such and such a date (of course!!) but then would need another week. We discussed our future and options. It then came up that she had a good opportunity pop up in New Orleans and wanted to travel to there and investigate it and then come out to CA.

    She has been there a week. She was about to buy a ticket to CA. Everything was great in our discussions, typical we are in love talk. Then suddenly, last Thursday, she sent me an email saying she could not come out and that it was over. Her conclusion was that every time she went to buy a ticket she felt uncertain (the lost faith, trust, security thing: which I have done everything in my power to show she has no fear there but it is in her gut and that I can't overcome.) and because she was uncertain she therefore was certain that she should not come back. She ended it by saying

    A. I love you.
    B. I can't be with you.

    We are still talking on a daily basis but only by email and text. We have not had a single phone conversation about it. It is too hard for her. I told her I would wait until the time was right but that I wanted to talk in person. She said she could not as she knew she would not be able to leave me. I told her I will wait, forever if necessary.

    To add further confusion, when I apologize over calling her "baby" (since we are not together it was not appropriate), she replied that she loved it when I called her that.

    She tells me everyday that she loves me and that this is very very hard for her. I don't know what to do. Give her time? Visit her (she said no) but will come out her in a month or so to get her stuff (she left it all here). Talk about brutal packing up your exes clothes and possessions (I am moving and need to put in storage with my stuff in the short term).

    In an effort to gain faith that I am really in love with her (she believe I already have had my one true love) I have switched my life insurance policy so it is payable to her, she is the beneficiary on all my other accounts, told her I would move to New Orleans (that is big when you have three kids), that I would marry her (I never married my ex of 18 years because I don't like the Gov in my business but would do it for her), runaway with her, whatever it took. And no she wants nothing from me money wise, she barely accepts gifts. She is the sweetest most caring person I know but I something is holding her back - I know it is gaining trust, and security but how?

    There is so much more but no one will read this far. WHAT DO I DO? WAIT? GO SEE HER?

    Please help. I love her very much.

  2. #2
    Member Dudesowin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    MBTI
    INTP
    Socionics
    INTp
    Posts
    58

    Default

    she was uncertain she therefore was certain <---- this does not make any sense.

    I have switched my life insurance policy so it is payable to her, she is the beneficiary on all my other accounts!!!!!! <---- this sounds dangerous.

    but no one will read this far. (I use a keyword highlighting system and a stream algorithm to parse for textual anomalies.)

    ~~~ These parts are not right. ~~~
    I have been dating an INTJ for just short of a year.
    We got back together and both professed undying love for each other.
    I quit drinking and everything seemed to be going great.
    typical we are in love talk.
    it was over.
    I can't overcome.
    wait until the time was right but that I wanted to talk in person.
    it was not appropriate

    Solution: Pull yourself together stop planning for a future that may not exist and "be the change you wish to see in the world" <--- Quoted from an INFJ

    Next be a proper father and quit talking about running away. You don't even have a proper house right now anyway! INFJ know not the meaning of the word retreat just look at history so many prominent civil rights proponents were INFJ. You can't throw insurance, money, gifts no woman enjoys being treated like a whore these items must have intricent personal value. Other people will always be in your business including the Government, but that's no reason to act like a bitch about it.
    Mastery is its own reward.

  3. #3
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    9w1
    Socionics
    INFj None
    Posts
    9,827

    Default

    I can't make any sense of it. There is no apparent doorslam.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  4. #4
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    4w5
    Posts
    2,631

    Default

    Sometimes people would rather not put themselves in the position to get hurt, even if the decision itself hurts them. Little hurt now to save themselves from a bigger hurt down the road.

    This is not healthy, but unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it, because it's her decision, her life. Falling in love to me feels like jumping into a raging ocean. It's wonderful but it's terrifying. I can understand why she chooses not to jump.

    My humble advice would be to get on with your life. If she decides she wants to come back, she will. Some things are just not in your hands, so it's best to let them go.
    4w5 sp/sx EII

  5. #5
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    isfp
    Enneagram
    4w5 sp/sx
    Posts
    8,595

    Default

    Pretty strong cognitive dissonance going on in her. It sounds like on an emotional level she feels very much connected to you and is easily swayed to wanting to be with you, but in her mind she thinks it is not a good idea.

    I would suggest giving her space to figure things out. I don't think making her the beneficiary of life insurance is necessary or helpful. I would say that a sense of security for her would be for you to offer your consistency as a deep friend who will always be there for her, and if you feel this connection is important enough, perhaps be willing to wait for her for a time? For her sake I would suggest not stirring up the emotional aspect of the connection, but to see if she can make sense of why she thinks the relationship will be a problem for her. The drinking issue does need to be demonstrated to be in the past. I also think it could help her process her confusion by seeing a counselor. A trained counselor helps people to organize their thoughts and figure out what they really need and desire. Then also, if she really thinks and feels that this relationship is not what she needs in her life, then can you respect that and let her go in kindness?

    I would focus on the aspects of your connection that are based on love and not those based on attachment. Focus on being invested in each others' well being as individuals, and not how each other can fulfill personal need. What do you think?
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

  6. #6
    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Posts
    5,625

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by 2013lost View Post
    In an effort to gain faith that I am really in love with her (she believe I already have had my one true love) I have switched my life insurance policy so it is payable to her, she is the beneficiary on all my other accounts, told her I would move to New Orleans (that is big when you have three kids),that I would marry her (I never married my ex of 18 years because I don't like the Gov in my business but would do it for her), runaway with her, whatever it took. And no she wants nothing from me money wise, she barely accepts gifts. She is the sweetest most caring person I know but I something is holding her back - I know it is gaining trust, and security but how?
    My heart truly goes out to you While the circumstances couldn't be more different I relate to your story more than you will probably ever know.


    From the time I joined this site until very recently I would have taken it upon myself to speak for all the NFs. I'm not so sure I am qualified to do that anymore...I've been experiencing some 'type confusion' haha...and perhaps all I am doing in this moment is providing you with the NFP stance...which in this case will be completely useless to you and for this I apologize. But to the bolded above? That would be an instant...instant, instant, instant deal breaker. If I was on the fence with regards to a relationship and the other person demonstrated even the slightest inclination to putting their happiness ahead of their children's (regardless of age...it would not matter to me if these were adult children)...I would be so fuckin gone in a heartbeat and would never look back.

    I know so many parents that feel like failures...that fell so deep into hardship, illness and/or despair that they could not carry out what would normally be considered 'their parental duties'. And yet their children are the epitome of health and well-being. Why? Because the child/ren never lost sight of the fact that they were loved unconditionally... and despite appearances...despite what their parent was actually able to make manifest...they still came first.

    What I wrote instantly reminds me of the poem - The Invitation by Oriahe Mountain Dreamer
    I've actually seen this poem in some 'ENFPs what poems do you relate to?' thread (which again may be of little use to you). But yah this verse...

    "It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done for the children."

    ^^^if someone isn't struggling against all odds to do the above regardless of what they can actually do... that would not be someone I would allow into my heart.

  7. #7
    Permabanned
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    ISFP
    Enneagram
    6w7 sx
    Socionics
    SEE Fi
    Posts
    25,301

    Default

    You sound like you're carried away emotionally on the rebound from the 18 year relationship. You're an INTJ and you just tried to give some woman your life insurance policy instead of to the mother of your children, want to move to New Orleans to be with her, and will marry her even though you didn't marry the mother of your children?

    None of this seems the least bit sensible or Te. Instead of questioning your type, I'm going to question if perhaps you have bipolar disorder. Were you drinking to self-medicate? When you say you were insecure and not loving, were you at all abusive when you drank?

    I mean I could be wrong, this could be the first time you've known a person you've really had a good mental connection with, because you're both INxJs, but it all sounds sort of irrational.

    Something of this kind I would more expect from an xxFP or maybe some ExFJs.

    Shouldn't someone your age know that infatuation and limerence aren't "love"?

    I'm sorry, I'm being mean as hell, but you need to snap out of it, you're the father of three children, and claiming to be one of the most rational types, and middle aged.

    I think you need a reality check. I'm here all week.

  8. #8
    Permabanned
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    ISFP
    Enneagram
    6w7 sx
    Socionics
    SEE Fi
    Posts
    25,301

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by 21% View Post
    Sometimes people would rather not put themselves in the position to get hurt, even if the decision itself hurts them. Little hurt now to save themselves from a bigger hurt down the road.

    This is not healthy, but unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it, because it's her decision, her life. Falling in love to me feels like jumping into a raging ocean. It's wonderful but it's terrifying. I can understand why she chooses not to jump.

    My humble advice would be to get on with your life. If she decides she wants to come back, she will. Some things are just not in your hands, so it's best to let them go.
    How do you know that it's her that isn't healthy? I love you but I can't be with you is something I said to my ESFJ ex who was abusive and refused to seek psychiatric help for what was most likely BPD.

    I'm not diagnosing anyone here with anything, but I'm frankly kind of disturbed by what I'm reading, and wonder what's missing from the monologue.

    Why does everyone immediately empathize with the OP in most threads? That isn't really standing back from the situation and trying to objectively assess it.

    The thing that stands out to me most is that she won't visit him, won't let him visit her, won't talk to him on the phone, yet will talk via emails and text, and obviously does care deeply for him. People do things like this when they are trying to protect themselves from an addict or abuser that they love or care strongly for.

    Doesn't mean she doesn't love him. But it doesn't mean that they should be together, or that he can prove his stability by throwing money at her.

  9. #9
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    4w5
    Posts
    2,631

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Marmotini View Post
    How do you know that it's her that isn't healthy? I love you but I can't be with you is something I said to my ESFJ ex who was abusive and refused to seek psychiatric help for what was most likely BPD.

    I'm not diagnosing anyone here with anything, but I'm frankly kind of disturbed by what I'm reading, and wonder what's missing from the monologue.

    Why does everyone immediately empathize with the OP in most threads? That isn't really standing back from the situation and trying to objectively assess it.

    The thing that stands out to me most is that she won't visit him, won't let him visit her, won't talk to him on the phone, yet will talk via emails and text, and obviously does care deeply for him. People do things like this when they are trying to protect themselves from an addict or abuser that they love or care strongly for.

    Doesn't mean she doesn't love him. But it doesn't mean that they should be together, or that he can prove his stability by throwing money at her.
    You've got a point here so I'm not disagreeing with you. It just seems from the OP that he has no idea what he's doing wrong and why it's not working out for reasons that are seemingly beyond his control. Maybe 'unhealthy' was too strong a word, but I can't help but feel that there isn't a clear decision from her what she wants, and keeping on saying she loves him but cannot be with him without saying why is obviously messing with his head. And breaking up through email is just not right...
    4w5 sp/sx EII

  10. #10
    Permabanned
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    ISFP
    Enneagram
    6w7 sx
    Socionics
    SEE Fi
    Posts
    25,301

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by 21% View Post
    You've got a point here so I'm not disagreeing with you. It just seems from the OP that he has no idea what he's doing wrong and why it's not working out for reasons that are seemingly beyond his control. Maybe 'unhealthy' was too strong a word, but I can't help but feel that there isn't a clear decision from her what she wants, and keeping on saying she loves him but cannot be with him without saying why is obviously messing with his head. And breaking up through email is just not right...
    Yes, but it's very difficult if you love an addict or an abuser or someone who won't get help ...to just cut them off. I mean she's not door slamming him, you know?

    Some people even hang on out of fear the other party will do something to hurt themselves.

    But it could be legitimate love on her part, but the realization that a relationship with him just doesn't work. And I'm sure the fact that he's offering her his life insurance policy and saying he will pretty much abandon his kids for her probably doesn't make her more reassured, it probably makes her feel less, like if this man was thinking straight or acting with love, even if he loved me, why aren't his kids a priority.

    It can be very confusing to be in love with someone you know probably isn't good for you in the long run. She may just feel confused, and yet she has the presence of mind to set firm boundaries with him.

    If she's just leading him on, or they barely know each other, then yeah, I agree, she should just cut him off completely. But if you have developed some kind of attachment to someone it's not always that simple.

    I'm not saying I have no sympathy for him at all, but at the same time, I think he may need to stop thinking of her as this confusing INFJ he needs to win over by manic acts of desperation, and more about how his behavior is coming across as being the opposite of trustworthy or stable.

Similar Threads

  1. [INFP] INTJ needs help with INFP....
    By Rezdawg1 in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 69
    Last Post: 05-05-2016, 03:34 PM
  2. [INTJ] An INTJ needs help with overcoming an audience phobia
    By Elaine in forum The NT Rationale (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ)
    Replies: 15
    Last Post: 07-01-2014, 02:13 PM
  3. Seeking help with wing type.
    By Rhath89 in forum Enneagram
    Replies: 22
    Last Post: 08-12-2011, 01:41 AM
  4. [Fi] INTJ Needs Help with Fi
    By Uytuun in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 16
    Last Post: 09-08-2009, 12:03 PM
  5. [INTJ] Help with INTJs
    By Xander in forum The NT Rationale (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ)
    Replies: 41
    Last Post: 11-17-2007, 12:36 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO