[NF] Sadness

[Abbey]

I'm so upset. I don't even know why. I feel so lost and like I know nothing. I feel like such a fraud. I just want to be happy and free from over thinking everything and then getting upset about it. I'm always so concerned about things, always thinking and feeling. I'm tired of being so..lost. I want to be happy and alive and careless. I don't know what's wrong, but it's been wrong ever since I can remember. I'm irretrievably sad and I've given up hope on all devotion and cares.

This is just a rant.. I could go on, even though it's not rooted in anything tangible
Does anyone relate? Can anyone help?

 

[skylights]

Sometimes the weight of the world is a hard burden to bear. We're small fragile beings, only tiny specks in the vast network of existence. Some people tend to take a lot of that weight onto themselves because we see the pain and the disconnection and the loss and we want to ease it, but we feel how helpless we can be against the combined powers of all the other forces. We feel like we want to live up to a glowing, beautiful ideal and we slip and trip and find ourselves to be imperfect and fallible and ugly. We overanalyze, we mourn, and we start to feel isolated from existence.

Being NFP can have its pain, and I think that you and I as sx-dom are also more in touch than many with deep-rooted feelings of longing inside of us, the instinctual, biological drive for connection with the outside world that keeps us in a constant state of yearning. We're beings programmed to want, because wanting fuels our biological processes, from taking in nutrients to reproduction, and we're especially aware of that feeling of loss - you in particular as a 4 probably are very attuned to "what is missing". It's hard to always see what's wrong, instead of what's right. Sometimes you have to choose to blind yourself to what isn't right and just accept what is good.

You're a vibrant, glowing, tender being that needs taking care of, too. Take care of yourself. Let the universe take care of you, and remember that the universe has a way of taking care of itself, and the pulse of life and love will keep running through the world and through you whether you're mired in ties to it or not. Don't blame yourself for not being everything you feel like you have to be, or could be, or should be. You're trying, and that's a great endeavor in and of itself. You'll never be careless; that's not who you are. But you deserve to feel joy, to seek out the things that bring you joy, to delve into them without remorse and without worrying that you should be doing something else or attending to something else or living up to some ideal.

Go do something to get out of your head. Help a friend, exercise, surprise someone with a gift. Engage yourself in any way that steals away your focus and forces you to attend to specific details. Reconnect with the tangibility of living. The world can be a dark and scary place, but it's laced with beauty and joy and love and goodness, too. And practice meditation. Meditation teaches how to sit peacefully with your thoughts and feelings, seeing them as artifacts beyond yourself, and discouraging you from internalizing them as your identity. Your thoughts and feelings may weigh heavy, but they are not you and you can let go of them, watch them pass, and still remain who you are. There is a curious joy that wells up out of the dark void of just breathing and being.

 

[WALMART]

Yeah. I've been sad for large blocks of my life. There are hollows that form inside me I find very difficult to fill.

I find my mind most quelled when driven towards achievement - even leveling characters in videogames can give me a sense of advance that eases my cognitive burden. It's finding these things worthwhile, the things that actually provoke these satisfied feelings, that is the truly difficult part...

 

[TheStarchDefenders]

Yeah. I've been sad for large blocks of my life. There are hollows that form inside me I find very difficult to fill.

I find my mind most quelled when driven towards achievement - even leveling characters in videogames can even give me a sense of advance that eases my cognitive burden. It's finding these things worthwhile, the things that actually provoke these satisfied feelings, that is the truly difficult part...

Pretty much what JTR said.

 

[johncoconut]

The thing about depression is it saps motivation and pleasure and it's self-reinforcing. It's so hard to get out of, and it can affect your personality even when you're not feeling so bad. At least you're aware of it!

Is there someone you've had lots of interpersonal issues with, whether in the present or the past (family, friends, partners, etc.)? You don't need the weight of all that, even if you feel guilt for it. Or, do you have someone who makes you happy? (Super-complicated if it's the same person.) I struggle with reaching out to people for comfort/positivity, or asserting myself to them, or letting go of guilt. I'm trying to work on it just a little.

What are your bad memories? You don't need the weight of that either. Or, what are your good memories?

Would it be feasible to get counseling? Nothing wrong with that. You may have to switch counselors to find one who best suits you, though, if you go for that option. Dad and I have just decided (a little over a month ago) that I should get counseling, and I'm still in the initial phases of it, but my current counselor (the other one's just left) seems really cool and understanding.

If you suspect mental disorder, even a mild one, a psych eval may help. I'm in the process of getting a psych eval. If you think you have a depression type of thing (like dysthymia or major depression), try to rule out bipolar/cyclothymia, especially if you go on meds. You don't really come across as having bipolar, but I'm saying this because I think I'm Bipolar II and whenever I first start talking to a specialist they think depression. If you take antidepressants and feel oddly excited/agitated, report that to the psychiatrist (or whoever prescribed you them) ASAP. Of course, research the side effects of any psych meds you might take. Standard disclaimer!--I'm not a doctor.

Have good times!
Coconut (mistyped johncococunt when I was trying to log in )

 

[Abbey]

Thanks everyone for your input, I greatly appreciate just being talked to about it.
[MENTION=18288]johncoconut[/MENTION] I don't think I'm depressed, or not seriously enough to take medication or go to a doctor. If I were, my parents would just be like "you're fine, dramatic, but fine." And because of being sx the people I'm close to I'm really close to, so they cause me so much pain and so much happiness together, which is super complicated and confusing for my emotions. I don't know how to change that though.
[MENTION=10496]skylights[/MENTION] you write so fluently, everything you said is very true. I appreciated it so much, it almost made me cry haha

 

[RDF]

I'm so upset. I don't even know why. I feel so lost and like I know nothing. I feel like such a fraud. I just want to be happy and free from over thinking everything and then getting upset about it. I'm always so concerned about things, always thinking and feeling. I'm tired of being so..lost. I want to be happy and alive and careless. I don't know what's wrong, but it's been wrong ever since I can remember. I'm irretrievably sad and I've given up hope on all devotion and cares.

This is just a rant.. I could go on, even though it's not rooted in anything tangible
Does anyone relate? Can anyone help?

life is very pain
a poem by man​

LIFE IS FULL OF PAIN
as i sit
trap in box

MANY MANS FEEL THE PAIN
of not be as manly as me

i sympathize, for i
once was trap in box
worry about not be as
MANLY AS MYSELF

this is pain of life
womyn have LUCK
for they dont feel this pain

unless they transgender
man trap in woman body
THE HORROR

life is very pain

http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/showthread.php?t=36594&p=1375631&viewfull=1#post1375631

*************

Everyone cares about things. But everyone cares about their own thing. So be a little selfish. Choose your own thing, something close to home, and work on that. As for other issues, assume that they have someone else to care about them.

Don’t try to care about everything; that will drive you nuts. Instead, notice that the world is full of little interesting missions. So pick a mission that is close to home (close to your own interests), and have fun with it. Don’t let things drag you down. Pick a personal mission (or try out multiple personal missions in turn) and find the fun and reward in it (them).

 

[1487610420]

http://www.everythingisterrible.com/
They also have these

 

[RDF]

http://www.everythingisterrible.com/
They also have these

My house burned down in a flash of thunder.
My wife ran off with a one-legged plumber.
My crops fell dead when the riverbed went dry.
My dog got squashed by a pickup truck.
My son ran away and got hooked on drugs.
My daughter's knocked up by the class of '85.

People say that life is good;
It don't seem good to me.
I'm lost without a paddle,
And I'm headed up shit creek.
People say that life is fun,
But I don't know why.
As far as I can tell,
LIFE SUCKS then you die.

The government dumps its toxic waste
Right on top of my mother's grave.
A team of experts say it won't do her no harm.
But my sheep went crazy and killed my mule.
I cut off my dick with a power tool
Fixin' the hole where the meteor hit the barn.
(And it hurt, too!)

People say that life is good,
But I just piss and moan.
I got one foot on a banana peel,
The other in the Twilight Zone.
People say that life is fun,
But I don't know why.
As far as I can tell,
LIFE SUCKS then you die.

Let me hear some "yee-hah"s out there!

I went to the store to buy some shells.
My gun went off and blew the owner to hell.
Now I'm sittin' here in jail, singin' this song.
And one guy wants to cut me with a knife.
Another guy wants me to be his wife.
Hey, I wish they'd hang me before somethin' really goes wrong!

People say that life is good,
Give thanks for what you have.
When all you have is nothin',
Nothin' makes you glad.
People say that life is fun,
But I don't know why.
As far as I can tell,
LIFE SUCKS, then you die.
I said, people say that life is fun,
But I don't know why.
As far as I can tell,
LIFE SUCKS,
LIFE SUCKS
LIFE SUCKS, then you die.

Life Sucks, Then You Die, by The Fools

 

[skylights]

Thanks everyone for your input, I greatly appreciate just being talked to about it.
[MENTION=18288]johncoconut[/MENTION] I don't think I'm depressed, or not seriously enough to take medication or go to a doctor. If I were, my parents would just be like "you're fine, dramatic, but fine." And because of being sx the people I'm close to I'm really close to, so they cause me so much pain and so much happiness together, which is super complicated and confusing for my emotions. I don't know how to change that though.
[MENTION=10496]skylights[/MENTION] you write so fluently, everything you said is very true. I appreciated it so much, it almost made me cry haha

Thank you for the compliment, and glad to be of help. Being Sx is one heck of a rollercoaster.

 

[Guy V. Malaxia]

Sometimes I'll get similar self-defeating, hopeless thoughts when I haven't had meaningful interactions with someone for a while. The older the get the more I'm learning how central relationships are to my overall happiness. I'm not sure if what you're feeling is similar to what I've outlined, but it was the first thing that came to mind.

Hope you feel better soon. =)