[INFP] INTJ in love with INFP

[Aurus]

Hi,

I'm and INTJ and it seems that I feel in love with INFP. I mean, at the first I didn't knew what's happening to me. But when I looked into her eyes deeply for few times I was like looking at the deepest unexplored parts of universe. Do I need to say more ?

It all started by chatting at workplace, joking around etc. I really enjoyed her company although being an INTJ I needed a lot of time to get some level of trust in her. We started to exchange e-mail/txt messages after the work too. Unfortunately, I'm not able to "get to her" or in other words, I simply can't understand if there is something from her side that would indicate that maybe she has feelings for me or no.
Sometimes she answers me everything I ask, sometimes she ignores it and I need to start conversation again. Sometimes I get signals that would be very clear like "I'm not interested in you", but after that I get some kind of signals stating opposite. For instance, when I'm passing near her house I like to text her to come out and have a short chat or something but I always get "I'm busy" type of message. If it stays at that, I would know that she is not interested. But after that I usually get the message "No worries, there will be more chances to meet" type of message. It is really really hard for me to "work" like this. I would just like to tell here everything I feel and why I feel it, what I see in here. But I get a feeling that it could scare her away.
Oh, and I sent her and online test at work so that is how I know that she is an INFP, and after reading description about INFP's some thing are clear to me but again... is there something by what I could get at least a clue that she is interested ?

If it was someone else in question, I would probably already give up ... but each time I remember her eyes I get energy for pursuing my feeling further.

Can anyone from the INFP side help out here ?
Thank you

 

[Thalassa]

I once looked into an INTJs eyes and couldn't stop smiling, but that doesn't mean it's true love, I guess. Just because you feel that around her doesn't mean she feels it around you. It is the hardest thing in life to accept that you could just look in someone's eyes and feel that way, and think you admire them for their person, for their personality or mind, and it's not just some physical objectification, and still have them spurn you.

But it does happen.

And even if 100 women line up and tell you that they'd like to go out with you, it doesn't mean this particular woman will.

I am in my 30s and what I have learned over time is that some men think I am just incredibly beautiful, and some think I'm just kind of "meh" and I'm always the most puzzled when I feel that "magical" sort of infatuation and it doesn't work out, that really seems like WTF JUST HAPPENED.

I met an ENTJ once and I still remember how easy everything was from the moment we met until he left the country, and I always knew he would not stay, so I never expected him to, and that helped, but it was amazing how simple and un-hurtful it all was...he never hurt me. That's rare for me, to connect like that to someone that immediately, to have them also return it, and also never hurt me, but it not last for years or anything (I guess mostly due in this case to extenuating circumstances that had nada to do with me or my existence which is probably why I was able to accept it with such grace, which is unfortunately, unlike me ...I'm a Socionics Se type, sexual aggressor, so I don't like for things to end unless *I* say so (and it's funny, because when I'm okay with things ending, I'm surprisingly casual and even kind of a drifter, I just cling like the world will end if I don't say so).

Anyway, my point is that people come and go, and you feel strongly about some people and it lasts for six years, others tell you to go to hell, and some it only lasts for a few months, but it's always pleasant.

I can't tell you which way it will go with your INFP, but you may feel the way you do because of some kind of deeper personality connection.

Even having that, though, it doesn't mean it works out or lasts, or that the person is sexually interested beyond friendship.

She could be playing hard to get, she could be unsure of you, or she could be disinterested.

I have no idea.

I don't know. That's my conclusion, and I guess it should be yours.

Take care. Good luck, but there's really no way to determine whether she's interested or not.

I guess as long as there's something there, like she can meet with you another time, there's always hope.

(My type says ISFP but I type as INFP on the official Myers Brigg and I just like to give relationship advice, in general).

 

[mintleaf]

I'd be a little put off by the fact that someone was trying to interpret my behavior based on MBTI. Yeah, mixed signals like that might be pretty common for xxFPs, but there's no way to know where it's coming from until you get to know her better. And part of this is her responsibility.

If she's interested, it's her job to make that known to you; if she just wants to be your friend, maybe she's trying to avoid leading you on.

I hope everything works out. It sounds like you get along well, so at least there's the potential for a good friendship.

 

[Amargith]

Spend more time with her. Enjoy your crush, but get to know her for realz, instead of only knowing that her eyes are the gateway to the universe (however romantic that is ). A relationship takes more than a trip to the universe through your gf, so see if she is in fact a woman you could see yourself growing old with. What are her values, life goals, pov on life itself? And are they compatible with yours?

If she is anything like me, she is likely to enjoy your company but no where near ready to judge on whether or not you are in fact a viable candidate for that soulmate spot. And if so, she is right, imho. Plenty of time to get to that. First, enjoy what youve got right now and see if and where it goes

/the P way of life.

 

[Aurus]

Thank you for your answers and help, much apriciated.

Just one more question. Would giving her a small flower, when I finally manage to get her out, be to much ? I'm just trying to find a way of telling her what I feel in some way. But I understand that I can't just "spill" everything out like I'm used to in this case... and that I need to take it very slow ( which is killing me in some way but this will be "beautiful death" )

 

[Amargith]

Grin....ahhh INTJs

You guys do really go for what you want, once youve determined your mission.

Welp, you could go for that declaring your feelings- gesture, I guess. It will keep you from being friendzoned..but then you should be willing to accept the consequences of said risk. Chances are that she will shy away and distance herself as she does not feel the same. Otoh, she could see you in a different light and realise you could just be right for her.

If you go this route, just tell her honestly how you feel, without expecting *anything*. Just...tell her, and make it clear that you dont need her to reply right now, that you just wanted her to know. Walk away and give her a chance to digest and determine what she actually does feel, and how she wants to respond to your declaration. It ll make you seem earnest, yet confident and clear in what you want. You avoid the friendzoning danger, and you will likely get an answer to how she feels about you. The only downside is that it could be an answer you do not want to hear.

Lastly, think about whether or not you want to keep her as a friend if she does turn you down. If so, put that in there with your declaration.

Something like: 'I'd love for us to become more than friends, but I enjoy you in my life so much that being your friend is a definite option as well. Anyways, I just wanted to put it out there, so you know where I stand on this. I'll see you next time.' She ll answer when she does, so next time you see her, dont pressure her for an answer, just enjoy her company as you always do

 

[PeaceBaby]

Hello there Aurus - welcome to the forum.

But when I looked into her eyes deeply for few times I was like looking at the deepest unexplored parts of universe. Do I need to say more ?

Saying so to her at some point would be captivating, that's for sure!

I simply can't understand if there is something from her side that would indicate that maybe she has feelings for me or no.

If you are watching for signals (which, btw, I have noted as a trend amongst IxxJ's) you are not likely to get any, or at best you'll just be confused, which - you are. INFP's don't generally roll that way.

Sometimes she answers me everything I ask, sometimes she ignores it and I need to start conversation again.

In text you mean, or in person? I would advocate talking in person more.

Sometimes I get signals that would be very clear like "I'm not interested in you", but after that I get some kind of signals stating opposite.

As mentioned above, I doubt you are interpreting this accurately. Stop thinking of them as signals. We generally don't 'flag' our interest with signals.

For instance, when I'm passing near her house I like to text her to come out and have a short chat or something but I always get "I'm busy" type of message.

Thinking back to my younger years, this would have startled me. For context, I'm a total slob at home by myself. I put on grungie-comfy clothes and don't worry about hair or makeup. Even when I have to answer the door for the Fedex man I feel self-conscious, so I can imagine perhaps (perhaps) for her this feels too stressful, particularly if she (like me) really does like to look her best otherwise. Gah, if you texted from outside my house I might not come out either!

My point being, you don't know what her home habits are or what her home life is like. Try not to make a judgement based on this behaviour.

But after that I usually get the message "No worries, there will be more chances to meet" type of message

So, that's an invitation - take some specific action to make that happen - see below:

Is there something by what I could get at least a clue that she is interested ?

No. The most direct way will be to show her that you are interested. You have nothing to lose, really. Ask her out to go for a walk in the park after work. Take her to an art gallery. Find out what she likes and invite her participation in that with you. Send a single rose. Find out her favorite beverage and invite her out for that in particular. Discover what she values. That's the key to discovering her heart, and if she's interested, you'll know it then.

If it was someone else in question, I would probably already give up ... but each time I remember her eyes I get energy for pursuing my feeling further.

What is your age and her age? I am suspecting early to mid twenties. I would say that INFP's and INTJ's at this age are especially not good at showing external signs of interest, even if they think they are and it seems obvious to them. Take the bull by the horns man - initiate.

And good luck!

 

[Aurus]

If you are watching for signals (which, btw, I have noted as a trend amongst IxxJ's) you are not likely to get any, or at best you'll just be confused, which - you are. INFP's don't generally roll that way.

Yes, that's what I usually do with all the people. Read them out even before they started to talk. It's not something that I learned or that I "wanted" to have. I simply can do that with people. But this time, it's like my "system" is being tested to it's limits and failing badly at each step

In text you mean, or in person? I would advocate talking in person more.

In text, she just "skips" something that I ask and continues with something else. Sometimes I even have to reinitiate the conversation because she simply stops responding. I haven't noticed that to much when talking in person. Unfortunately, we do not work together any more so that is why I'm trying to "call her out".

Thinking back to my younger years, this would have startled me. For context, I'm a total slob at home by myself. I put on grungie-comfy clothes and don't worry about hair or makeup. Even when I have to answer the door for the Fedex man I feel self-conscious, so I can imagine perhaps (perhaps) for her this feels too stressful, particularly if she (like me) really does like to look her best otherwise. Gah, if you texted from outside my house I might not come out either!

It's not that I'm stalking her. When we talked, I realized that my cycling route is passing right near her house. So I asked here, is it fine that I let you know when I'm near so we can have a chat etc. She said it's fine. But, I'm simply not able to get her out. Maybe she is really busy in the end
And yes, when she talked about herself at home she sounded exactly like you described yourself now.

So, that's an invitation - take some specific action to make that happen - see below:
No. The most direct way will be to show her that you are interested. You have nothing to lose, really. Ask her out to go for a walk in the park after work. Take her to an art gallery. Find out what she likes and invite her participation in that with you. Send a single rose. Find out her favorite beverage and invite her out for that in particular. Discover what she values. That's the key to discovering her heart, and if she's interested, you'll know it then.

Well that's the point in some way. I'm trying, but it's like I'm missing something and I fail each time.
Also, for an example. Once she told me that she doesn't believe to men and she doesn't want to find anyone in her life. But then some other time it was completely different story.
I mean, I really like her. There are things that we have common interest in and everything else. But few things are so, I don't know how to say, "bumping" me up and down maybe ? That I don't know what to think any more. Seems I finally found someone to complex for me to "understand" completely.. which is another thing that fascinates me and attracts me to her.

What is your age and her age? I am suspecting early to mid twenties. I would say that INFP's and INTJ's at this age are especially not good at showing external signs of interest, even if they think they are and it seems obvious to them. Take the bull by the horns man - initiate.
And good luck!

Mid twenties is correct, and I'm 1 year older than her. If it was a bull I would already handle it ... this one is more like a snail and its tentacles. If you touch them they hide away then after some time they come out again.

@ Amargith
Thank you for your answer too

 

[skylights]

Thinking back to my younger years, this would have startled me. For context, I'm a total slob at home by myself. I put on grungie-comfy clothes and don't worry about hair or makeup. Even when I have to answer the door for the Fedex man I feel self-conscious, so I can imagine perhaps (perhaps) for her this feels too stressful, particularly if she (like me) really does like to look her best otherwise. Gah, if you texted from outside my house I might not come out either!

Amen to that. I need like half an hour to get ready to see someone. I still race away to put on makeup or fix my hair or change my clothes when my boyfriend drops by.

@Aurus, this is sweet. Good luck!

 

[Amargith]

+3

I can be really presentable when i have like 15-30 minutes...but usually I'm a mess

And no, this isnt a secret I will let you in on unless we live together and I can no longer hide it

 

[Aurus]

Well I managed to get her out today for around 20 minutes. We had a good laugh etc. I gave her a few flowers and she was like "wow" ... I ought it will scare her away but it seems it turned out ok
But I noticed that when I try to say something nice to her she "backs off" a little. Also she laughed at one moment and said, "don't say that to me because you are burying yourself". It seems like she doesn't like to hear anything nice said about her... and I noticed that she usually have a "low" opinion about herself. Is this something particular for INFP ? Because if it is, then I will have to control myself allot since I can't just stand and not tell something nice to her

P.s
I'm really going to "burn out". You said "not to look for signs" and I can't stop doing that and seeing something like "red and green" light flashing me constantly right in my eyes
Well... it seems there is a very long summer in front of me.

 

[Stanton Moore]

Have you touched her, or been in casual, physical contact? That will give you a clue.
INFP's are very hard to read. They keep a dark cloak around themselves until it's safe to let another see their spectral inner light. This happens about once every 10 years. Lol
Just say what you intend. It’s the only way. But be as sincere as you can.
Oh, limerance!

 

[Aurus]

No contact, we just had walk down a road.

Well I said some things that I wanted today, although I wanted to say much more but for some reason I forget half of things when I see her.

Thank you for all your answers

 

[Rebe]

Aww, this is so adorable! Infps are hard to figure out. For me, I don't purposely try to be confusing. When I know what I want and feel, I can be really honest and blunt. But when I'm unsure, everything is fuzzy.

When you express something directly to infps, they or we need time to digest it so give us that time and space to ponder it. If you push us for an answer right away, we wouldn't know what to say or may say the wrong thing or get scared by the emotional bluntness or the emotional risk that we are forced to take. Let us take that risk in our own due time, which we will, if we want to. When we want something, we are capable of making that very clear as long as we weren't discouraged from previous interactions.

I think that you're infatuated and probably wants to speed this along. It depends on how well you two know each other and feel comfortable with each other. If she takes the time and makes the extra effort to see you and talk to you, it means that she likes you at least as a friend. Otherwise, she and no one else would ever make that effort. So that's a point in your favor.

I would suggest getting to know her more before suggesting 'dating' because the infp might be worried that you only perceive her to be someone that she really is not and once you get her involved and you disappoint her or back off, she's gonna be sooo upset with you. So make sure you know what you want, make sure you know her enough before pushing for the next step. I think taking it slow and being friends first is always a good way to go. And honestly, if you like someone, if you're physically attracted to them, you could never really be friend-zoned completely.

It takes a lot for an infp to put herself out there and risk getting hurt. Sometimes you have to do most of the leg-work and push her a little bit.

Also keep in mind that infps like to be nice and polite to everyone who is nice to them so keep that in mind.

If it doesn't work out romantically, I hope you guys can maintain a friendship.