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  1. #1
    Junior Member Faithful's Avatar
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    Default Question to ENFP Males

    So I'm an old viewer of this forum, but a new member.

    My question is really to the point: what does it mean for an ENFP male to do the following -

    At a casual function as part of a group project an ENFP friend sitting opposite me suddenly threw in a very oddly placed comment (as in no context for it whatsoever) about "at my wedding I would... x,y,z" I laughed and we talked some more. The conversation immediately became more personal and he locked eyes with me for maybe 10 minutes straight. Just a bit strange.

    To give you some context, we are very much platonic friends only (I don't want it to ever be more than this) and I have only ever explained away any similar behavior as personality and never taken it seriously. Other behavior has included staring at me with a slight, closed-mouth smile, complimenting me almost to the point of over-the-top and telling me that no one understands him the way I do. So, considering the fact that I don't want anything more than a platonic friendship, should I be concerned?
    Last edited by Faithful; 04-15-2013 at 10:43 PM.

  2. #2
    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Faithful View Post
    So I'm an old viewer of this forum, but a new member.

    My question is really to the point: what does it mean for an ENFP male to do the following -

    At a casual function as part of a group project an ENFP friend sitting opposite me suddenly threw in a very oddly placed comment (as in no context for it whatsoever) about "at my wedding I would... x,y,z" I laughed and we talked some more. The conversation immediately became more personal and he locked eyes with me for maybe 10 minutes straight. Just a bit strange.

    To give you some context, we are very much platonic friends only (I don't want it to ever be more than this) and I have only ever explained away any similar behavior as personality and never taken it seriously. Other behavior has included staring at me with a slight, closed-mouth smile, complimenting me almost to the point of over-the-top and telling me that no one understands him the way I do. So, considering the fact that I don't want anything more than a platonic friendship, should I be concerned?
    Hello Faithful. So I'm an ENFP female (<--even with a 'male avatar' I've only had one person on this site...ONE! that actually thought I was a guy. Or maybe they just questioned it...which kinda bugs but I'll chalk it up to my user name ) Still, I fear if we wait around for an ENFP male to come here and respond to your question... well, it may never get answered.

    I think ENFP males and females behave quite similarly in these types of instances and from what you have described I do not believe you have anything to worry about. If he is still in 'over-the-top-charm-mode' than he is just playin with yah...enjoying your company. What you need to look out for is if he starts to become inconsistent in his behavior... so if he is fun and charming one day... and a bit quiet, serious...possibly even wide-eyed and scared haha the next... Or if he suddenly feels the need to tell you about all of his faults... then I would be concerned (since you are adamant that this platonic friendship stay platonic). But yah...it's that quiet, serious, scared thing that you want to look out for...which is a temporary condition btw haha. As long as his personality remains consistantly 'over-the-top' you are safe.

  3. #3
    Junior Member Faithful's Avatar
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    @Starry

    Thank you for your response - it really doesn't matter to me if I get a female perspective. (I was thinking after posting that I had limited it far too much!)

    Your comments are very helpful. I was pretty much certain but, being the INFJ that I am, I like to make sure... lol. I'm very familiar with ENFPs (being in the arts/psychology you're not exactly a rarity!), and my male ENFP friends are always joking about marrying me etc in a very meaningless light-hearted way. I guess what's different with this friend is his strange habit to sometimes behave as though I don't exist. For example, there have been a few times when he was very impressed with a group project that I had worked on. Only, he couldn't tell me - instead he complimented everyone except me (who hadn't worked on the project) and they had to tell him several times to pass the compliment to me. When he finally complimented me... he did it in third person! Does this fall under "inconsistent behavior" or do I have absolutely nothing to worry about?

    Edit: I should add, I am not interested in him other than a platonic friendship only because of personal values. I enjoy his friendship and I guess I just want to keep it the way it is

  4. #4
    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Faithful View Post
    @Starry

    Thank you for your response - it really doesn't matter to me if I get a female perspective. (I was thinking after posting that I had limited it far too much!)

    Your comments are very helpful. I was pretty much certain but, being the INFJ that I am, I like to make sure... lol. I'm very familiar with ENFPs (being in the arts/psychology you're not exactly a rarity!), and my male ENFP friends are always joking about marrying me etc in a very meaningless light-hearted way. I guess what's different with this friend is his strange habit to sometimes behave as though I don't exist. For example, there have been a few times when he was very impressed with a group project that I had worked on. Only, he couldn't tell me - instead he complimented everyone except me (who hadn't worked on the project) and they had to tell him several times to pass the compliment to me. When he finally complimented me... he did it in third person! Does this fall under "inconsistent behavior" or do I have absolutely nothing to worry about?
    Oooooooooooo ah yah...yah it does. That 'sometimes acting like you do not exist'...that is one of the seven signs of the apocalypse. Er, I mean...that is one of the 'things' we do...when we like someone romantically (I have no idea why but yah). I'm glad you told me this. And I'm sorry. I do think you have something to worry about.

  5. #5
    Junior Member Faithful's Avatar
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    mm ok. *feeling miserable now*

    Good to know though - thanks heaps! time for damage control..

  6. #6
    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Faithful View Post
    mm ok. *feeling miserable now*

    Good to know though - thanks heaps! time for damage control..
    Oh Faithful I'm sorry you're feeling a bit miserable. I know what it is like to truly care for someone and want them in your life...but at the same time somehow feel like you are or will be at some point in the future the cause of some pain for them (<---ummm although I will say that hasn't happened a lot or anything damn it! You know...not being an INFJ female and all haha).

    The words 'damage control' though from your last message... Those words kinda burned my eyes a little... and I sat here for a while feeling a little dizzy and lightheaded. Obviously, I have no idea what you have in mind to do...but what I can say is...based on the testimony of the hundreds of thousands of INxJs that have come before you... (all having presented with the same kind of 'ENxP problem')...'damage control' usually involves some kind of distancing and/or withdrawal. <--And if that is the case than I thought maybe I should say something in the hopes you would at least consider an alternative form of 'damage control'.

    And I totally get it. The INxJ is doing what they would want done if the roles were reversed. But it doesn't really work in the same way for us. I mean, if an INxJ is withdrawing for their own sake...because they need to for a sense of well-being than OMG - by all means disappear. But if it is being done for the ENxPs sake...sorta like it is the 'helpful, humane thing to do' than no, I would advise against it. We are hard-wired to follow possibilities. Withdrawing at this point? Yah...you just made yourself a hundred times more interesting... A grander, more exciting possibility with new and improved possible endings!

    If you truly care about this person and want to be his friend - this is completely doable but you want to minimize the possibilities as oppose to increase/expand them. You need to actively be the outcome 'friend'. You need to stand your ground as 'friend' and he needs to see/experience the closing off of all other possibilities but 'friend'. <--And once that happens (and it should happen fairly quickly - it just needs to *click* in his mind) I'm sure he will be a wonderful friend to you.

    And you seem like a wonderful person! With what appears to be a good deal of experience with the ENFP type which I'm hoping aides you in reading my confusing message. The ENFPs are lucky to have you.

  7. #7
    Junior Member Faithful's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    The words 'damage control' though from your last message... Those words kinda burned my eyes a little... and I sat here for a while feeling a little dizzy and lightheaded. Obviously, I have no idea what you have in mind to do...but what I can say is...based on the testimony of the hundreds of thousands of INxJs that have come before you... (all having presented with the same kind of 'ENxP problem')...'damage control' usually involves some kind of distancing and/or withdrawal. <--And if that is the case than I thought maybe I should say something in the hopes you would at least consider an alternative form of 'damage control'.
    Oooh wow! Thanks for catching me up on this. TBH yes, I did mean withdrawing/distancing myself. I know it seems cruel.. and actually its something I detest doing, but sometimes you've got to be cruel to be kind you know... It never occurred to me that this could be interpreted in any other way than disinterest. This might explain why ExFPs have accused me in the past of playing hard to get and leading them on...

    So how does one actively stand ground as a friend? I've tried doing this already, but it doesn't seem to work very well because he senses my inhibitions and immediately does everything he can to push the boundaries. And he catches me off guard... which means that my own behavior is probably inconsistent

  8. #8
    untitled Chanaynay's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    Hello Faithful. So I'm an ENFP female (<--even with a 'male avatar' I've only had one person on this site...ONE! that actually thought I was a guy. Or maybe they just questioned it...which kinda bugs but I'll chalk it up to my user name ) Still, I fear if we wait around for an ENFP male to come here and respond to your question... well, it may never get answered.

    I think ENFP males and females behave quite similarly in these types of instances and from what you have described I do not believe you have anything to worry about. If he is still in 'over-the-top-charm-mode' than he is just playin with yah...enjoying your company. What you need to look out for is if he starts to become inconsistent in his behavior... so if he is fun and charming one day... and a bit quiet, serious...possibly even wide-eyed and scared haha the next... Or if he suddenly feels the need to tell you about all of his faults... then I would be concerned (since you are adamant that this platonic friendship stay platonic). But yah...it's that quiet, serious, scared thing that you want to look out for...which is a temporary condition btw haha. As long as his personality remains consistantly 'over-the-top' you are safe.
    Funny because I'm an ENFP male with a female avatar LOL.

    But I agree with what you said. I can come off very intense to people I barely know; back when I was 14 I told this girl who I had just met (now one of my best friends) that I was gay and interested in someone. I remember the look on her face, she was so surprised since it was probably the last thing she would've expected to hear from a guy she just met. I also remember distinctly after giving support to this girl I used to know, she replied with "haha, Chandler I haven't known you for long but thanks!" I think it's just a tendency of ENFPs to want to learn more about people and get personal with them. In fact sometimes when people I know whisper things to someone else, I get hurt because it makes me realize that they don't think I'm close enough to them to confide in or talk to about important things. That could be my sx-ness but still could be valid, too. So don't worry if your ENFP male comes off as too strong. We just want to get to know you because we think people are interesting and we love making new friends!

    Inconsistency is definitely something to look out for. I also get really smiley and giggly when I'm talking to those I'm interested in. I can't help it but I don't mind it since smiles and laughs can definitely charm people. If it really is starting to make you worry, I would just let him know that you're not interested in being more than friends. Because if he is interested, you might as well save him the effort he'll spend putting thought into a relationship with you.

    Hope I helped!
    7w6 - 2w3 - 8w7 sx/so


  9. #9
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    I agree that from what you've written it sounds like he has a thing for you. Sorry :/

    Quote Originally Posted by Faithful View Post
    So how does one actively stand ground as a friend? I've tried doing this already, but it doesn't seem to work very well because he senses my inhibitions and immediately does everything he can to push the boundaries. And he catches me off guard... which means that my own behavior is probably inconsistent
    Unfortunately there's no option that isn't painful. The most expedient would be to call his bluff. The most ideal would probably be to be VERY explicit about someone else you do like (make one up if you have to), and redirect him as much as possible - make it your mission to help him find someone else.

    I can completely understand why you'd want to distance yourself, but it would amplify the problem by letting his Ne run wild with possibility, instead of making him face the facts.

  10. #10
    Junior Member Faithful's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    Unfortunately there's no option that isn't painful. The most expedient would be to call his bluff. The most ideal would probably be to be VERY explicit about someone else you do like (make one up if you have to), and redirect him as much as possible - make it your mission to help him find someone else.

    I can completely understand why you'd want to distance yourself, but it would amplify the problem by letting his Ne run wild with possibility, instead of making him face the facts.
    Hmm.. Ne is something I'm trying to understand better, but this makes a lot of sense. I kind of think that just being an INFJ must really take Ne for its money sometimes... lol.

    I'm definitely going to try something along these lines. It sounds workable.. and less cruel Thanks so much!

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