So why do I withdraw? Simply put: my time is the most precious commodity I have. I only share my time with people that I appreciate and who I know I share the same values. Sure, I will be polite and friendly with people I don't care about, but to give of myself in a real way is only possible if I value being with that person for whatever reason. I would rather be entirely alone than waste my time on people who do not value it. So, if I give you time its the biggest compliment I know to give. If I want someone to feel less "valued" (as in romantic disinterest) then I automatically withdraw my time. I know this probably sounds all cold-hearted to you...
but its only ever done out of a sense of doing what is best for the other person and for my self in the long term.
No, it makes perfect sense.
It's just that an NFP, who is normally relaxed, playful, and carefree with their time allocation, will suddenly upon romantic interest become very intentional with their time allocation, and hyperaware of the messages it may be sending. So we actually have quite the reverse situation where we might go from being around a person all the time, to all but disappearing once we have a crush on them. Or not - we might become even closer - depending on how close we were to begin with. Regardless, it suddenly becomes very calculated, where it wasn't before. Our biggest compliment is perhaps not our time, but our
intentional attention. It boils down to the same thing - care - essentially, of course.
Distancing for me is usually a last resort - as in it is done after I have tried to approach an issue directly but without success, or if I'm being emotionally damaged by a relationship and need out. You're right though, I never tell people why I'm distancing myself. It seems so obvious to me when coupled with the situational context of a friendship that it simply doesn't occur to me. Maybe more significantly, I'm very afraid of my Fe function over riding my logic as it would if I were to make the decision in consultation with my friend. I care so much about others' feelings that sometimes when I know that I need to take an action at all costs for myself its very very difficult. Its better for myself just to withdraw quickly and cleanly rather than go through a long drawn out process.
Interesting, and good to know. I think a clean break could be very good for the other person, too, at least in the beginning, but definitely
with explanation. It'll hurt at first, but at least then it will be clean on both ends. From the ENFP perspective, a clean break on the NFJ end sans explanation isn't very clear on our end - lots of scraggly loose ties hanging in the wind that we'll be forever trying to follow up on. That's very interesting about Fe and decision-making in consultation.
I'm sorry some of you seem to have had painful experiences with this
I do know what it's like to be on the receiving end.. an INFJ friend did this to me also without an explanation. To be honest, I am still having issues accepting it because it prevented me having proper closure.
Exactly.
I guess maybe part of my problem is that secretly I really like him and I think he knows this.
Ahhh. I suspect if you really feel that way about him, your subconscious is going to try to keep leaving ends a little bit open for him, if there's one thing a Ne dom can spot from a mile away, it's a loophole... :]
Like Starry said, if you personally need to distance yourself, take care of yourself, but do let him know that you're experiencing some internal turmoil that you need to attend to. It'll make it easier on both of you in the long run.
