User Tag List

12 Last

Results 1 to 10 of 13

  1. #1
    Junior Member rydenio's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    MBTI
    ENFJ
    Enneagram
    2w3
    Socionics
    ENFj
    Posts
    4

    Default How to get out of ENFJ love-funk?

    Hi, I'm new.

    I'm feeling a strong sense of loss over a woman I had one perfect night with but who decided she needed to be single for a while. I'm having trouble understanding how she could make a decision like that intellectually, and blame myself for being overly clingy after and possibly scaring her away. I spent the past two weeks living in a romantic fantasy of me and her, and how perfect she is and all the things we would do over the summer, and how I'd help her find her purpose and career (we talked about things like that). I feel like the rug was swept from under my feet, like i was dumped after a long, happy relationship I had fast-forwarded in my head. I can't stop imagining and adding to the fantasy about her, to the point where everything else is drab and pointless.

    I manage work and friends successfully in some kind of background mode while my main energy is focused on dreaming about how it could have been. I find it hard to be happy about what I have in the present, which coincidentally is very close to my previous idealized fantasy I nurtured four months ago; living in a new city, working at an ad agency and having a core circle of good friends. Yet now, I can't appreciate it because this woman slipped out of my hands.

    A month before her, I had a short relationship with someone who didn't let me close, yet i idealized her as well to the point where I changed all my preferences about relationships so that she would stay with me, and possibly manipulated her into trying to get closer to me than she was really comfortable with. It wasn't until I met this one that I realized how bad that situation was, and I'm now worried that this one will linger with me until I find someone else. And I feel like there's no one else that can replace her.

    I'm frustrated that finding a woman is the only thing that really feels important to me even though I know I haven't been happier when I've been in relationships before and really should be single for a while. I want to focus my energy on my friends and my career, and get satisfaction out of success in those areas, but I find it so hard to get inspired and feel alive without pursuing a deep, emotional connection with a lover. I've tried meditation, yoga, painting, writing, partying, casual sex and none of it seems to be able to break this funk for more than a day or two. But I know I'm a rollercoaster and based on previous experience I'll probably have some epiphany over the next months and laugh at this.

    I want to work myself out of this methodically instead of decieving myself this time, even if it's not in my nature. Any advice?
    Last edited by rydenio; 04-12-2013 at 09:42 PM. Reason: paragraphs

  2. #2
    Senior Member Little_Sticks's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Posts
    1,370

    Default

    I CRAVE PARAGRAPHS. FEED ME.

  3. #3
    Junior Member rydenio's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    MBTI
    ENFJ
    Enneagram
    2w3
    Socionics
    ENFj
    Posts
    4

    Default

    better? ._.

  4. #4
    Hate
    Guest

    Default

    Get a grip and stop being a little bitch.

    /pep talk over

  5. #5
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    5 sx
    Posts
    506

    Default

    I'm not well-qualified to give you advice in this area, but since no one else has given any substantial feedback yet I'll try. I know an ENFJ who was like this with me, although we were even less involved than you and this woman were. I don't know how he got out of it except that I was very cold to him and withdrawn in general. The only strategy that I can think of is to focus on the ways in which she might not have been right for you. Maybe imagine being in a relationship with her and it not playing out well.

    Then there's the chance that you weren't just idealizing - that she could be right for you - and you just need to wait. Did she give any hints that she would be interested in you in the future? How well did you know her?

    I'd agree with what you've said at the end - you'll probably find a way to work yourself out of this. You seem pretty self-aware, and that's the most important thing.

  6. #6
    i love skylights's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    6w7 so/sx
    Socionics
    EII Ne
    Posts
    7,835

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Juice View Post
    Get a grip and stop being a little bitch.

    /pep talk over
    I bet you're full of shit and you have some degree of this energy in you too, mister self-sufficient.

    Us mere mortals who struggle with these sorts of situations would probably appreciate a more detailed guide to acheiving the above, if you're enlightened.

    Quote Originally Posted by rydenio View Post
    Hi, I'm new.

    I'm feeling a strong sense of loss over a woman I had one perfect night [...] I spent the past two weeks living in a romantic fantasy of me and her, and how perfect she is [....] to the point where everything else is drab and pointless...

    I find it hard to be happy about what I have in the present, which coincidentally is very close to my previous idealized fantasy I nurtured four months ago [...] i idealized her as well to the point where I changed all my preferences about relationships so that she would stay with me, and possibly manipulated her into trying to get closer to me than she was really comfortable with...

    I'm frustrated that finding a woman is the only thing that really feels important to me even though I know I haven't been happier when I've been in relationships before and really should be single for a while. I want to focus my energy on my friends and my career, and get satisfaction out of success in those areas, but I find it so hard to get inspired and feel alive without pursuing a deep, emotional connection with a lover.
    Hello, fellow sx-first NF dreamer. (Link if you're not familiar with instinct variant. Dollars to donuts your sexual instinct is dominant.)

    I think people like us are just built like this, to a certain extent. We crave deep, intimate relationships wherein we are perfectly balanced and where we live out our idealized fantasies. We dream our best selves into the idealized relationship, seeing how everything will come together and be so Right. We wrap ourselves around the objects of our desire, we push them to expose their deepest selves to us, and we bend ourselves in every way possible to continue increasing the intimacy, feeling, and meaning between ourselves and our partners.

    The secret is... we really have the ability to do this with ANYONE. We convince ourselves that the people we choose to focus our love and attention on are the One and the Only, because that's the only way we can create a "perfect" idealization with them, but the truth is that it's a magic of our own making. The thing that made her so special to you was that you made her special to you, not inherent qualities of hers - you can be sure of this because you've felt this way about a different person before. The more you really grasp that the magic is in you, the more you can let go of the seeming pull of the other.

    According to theory, we're essentially like this because we're instinctually trying to use intense partnership with something outside of ourselves to ensure our survival - it has its root in the drive to develop sexual relationships and procreate thereby passing on our DNA, which is why the instinct is often termed "Sexual" (other names being "Intimate" or "One-to-One"). Because you and I are NF dreamers by nature, we tend to have an especially idealistic take on this, dreaming up "perfect" scenarios of mutual fulfillment. The upside is that we can be incredibly attentive partners that strive for meaning, authenticity, and depth, and we have a special knack for getting to the core of people. We're also filled with passion and are forever striving to make things better.

    The downside is we're always going to be obsessive and yearning for something we don't have. If you're not in a relationship, that something will probably be a relationship. If you are in a relationship, it will probably be more intimacy, or more passion, more novelty, or simply more of that person. On the bright side, almost all Sx-firsts I've spoken with have had non-human "somethings" - I'm currently in a happy relationship and obsessed over a necklace, this forum, marriage, archetypes, my career search, the ocean, and Hawaii (as well as with deeper connection with my boyfriend). Most of us have a handful of immersive experiences that can be fairly easily distinguished in order of importance.

    You sound like you're struggling to let go of this one in particular. Any idea why her more than others? Perhaps it has something to do with her pulling the rug out from under you, so you've never really held anything else against her?
    Last edited by skylights; 04-14-2013 at 04:41 PM. Reason: seemed to have forgotten to complete an entire point, whoopsie

  7. #7
    Junior Member rydenio's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    MBTI
    ENFJ
    Enneagram
    2w3
    Socionics
    ENFj
    Posts
    4

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    You sound like you're struggling to let go of this one in particular. Any idea why her more than others? Perhaps it has something to do with her pulling the rug out from under you, so you've never really held anything else against her?
    Thank you for an amazing answer, it hit home in many ways. I think the reason it's especially hard this time is that we never really got to the hard part, I don't have a single negative opinion or experience with this person to taint the idealized picture even the slightest. Even when she broke it off, she did it in the most thoughtful and caring way, taking the time to explain her situation.

    I can relate to that obsession and longing, and the disappointment it brings. But also the powerful experiences. I guess this was just me getting my drug for a short amount of time and then having it taken away from me.

  8. #8
    i love skylights's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    6w7 so/sx
    Socionics
    EII Ne
    Posts
    7,835

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by rydenio View Post
    Thank you for an amazing answer, it hit home in many ways. I think the reason it's especially hard this time is that we never really got to the hard part, I don't have a single negative opinion or experience with this person to taint the idealized picture even the slightest. Even when she broke it off, she did it in the most thoughtful and caring way, taking the time to explain her situation.

    I can relate to that obsession and longing, and the disappointment it brings. But also the powerful experiences. I guess this was just me getting my drug for a short amount of time and then having it taken away from me.


    I'm glad it rang true! You're exactly right about it being like a "drug" - it's very much an addictive sort of thing, and I personally wonder if people like us happen to have oddities in our levels of neurotransmitters such as dopamine which create particularly potent highs and withdrawals.

    I see what you mean about why it's hard to let go of her. The letting go / withdrawal period is so hard, in particular if there isn't much to rationalize letting go. I remember reading not too long ago how happy people tend to create "ego-supporting narratives", where they do their best to frame past situations in a way that renders them as positive means to opening them for growth - for example, coming out of an abusive relationship could be very painful, and the time "lost" in that relationship could be seen as something to mourn, or the person could choose to embrace that experience, framing it in the light of how they've become strong from the hardship they've endured, they've had to grow internally, they took the best care of the other person they could, and they have better insight into being able to help other victims of abuse. It's hard to create that narrative when you don't have very much to go on.

    Still, in the simple fact that she refuses a relationship with you right now, you have all the information you need to realize (realize also in the sense of make real) how she can't be perfect for you and your life. I say this understanding full well how hard it is to impress this on yourself, but keep doing what you're doing. Keep throwing yourself into other things, keep seeking experiences that captivate you wholly, keep yourself distracted. My mom often refers to "tincture of time"... the passing of time allows memories to be lost and for new things to fill our life. It does heal, if only because life through time naturally encourages growth.

    I wonder if the recovery journey isn't a bit akin to grieving, as it really is a potent form of loss. She may have been a wonderful person, but try to see her as simply not an option anymore. You could consider using this period as a chance to reconnect with other opportunities you have left behind...

  9. #9
    Hate
    Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    I bet you're full of shit and you have some degree of this energy in you too, mister self-sufficient.
    I don’t deny having some degree of that energy in me, Firesoul… but it manifests differently.

    My “love funk” is perpetual mourning over actual deaths. I’ve already met my soulmates, and they are no longer alive. It’s something I’ll never be able to fully come to terms with. The fantasies I have consist of longing to be with them, and not about finding a future partner; it’s a different situation than the OP.

    Us mere mortals who struggle with these sorts of situations would probably appreciate a more detailed guide to acheiving the above, if you're enlightened.
    I gave him the exact same pep talk that my private military organization gives me. But I suppose you’re right, that kind of pep talk isn’t designed for peasant mortals, it’s designed for gods of war.

  10. #10
    i love skylights's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    6w7 so/sx
    Socionics
    EII Ne
    Posts
    7,835

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Juice View Post
    I don’t deny having some degree of that energy in me, Firesoul… but it manifests differently.

    My “love funk” is perpetual mourning over actual deaths. I’ve already met my soulmates, and they are no longer alive. It’s something I’ll never be able to fully come to terms with. The fantasies I have consist of longing to be with them, and not about finding a future partner; it’s a different situation than the OP.
    We all share wounds that can never be healed, don't we? It seems like part of the human condition is feeling incomplete. Yearning. I assume most religions arose out of it. Our desire for information must arise out of it. Our need to continually nourish ourselves and grow. I wonder why we are creatures that need. Perhaps because there is no way to appreciate what one has unless one has wanted. But sometimes the wanting seems so strong, and the having meager. We are the ones who stand on the edge of the night, crying out to the universe. I try to learn from the ones who have learned to bask even in the winter sun.

    I gave him the exact same pep talk that my private military organization gives me. But I suppose you’re right, that kind of pep talk isn’t designed for peasant mortals, it’s designed for gods of war.
    Indeed. I hope you're taking good care of yourself, god of war. Nurture those wounds from which sweetness arises.

Similar Threads

  1. How to get out of Human Services ?
    By ToniTheSlut in forum Academics and Careers
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 10-24-2016, 10:53 PM
  2. When do you "win" an argument? What do you expect to get out of an argument?
    By Magic Poriferan in forum Philosophy and Spirituality
    Replies: 43
    Last Post: 10-10-2014, 10:15 PM
  3. How to get rid of a "flat affect"
    By Such Irony in forum General Psychology
    Replies: 19
    Last Post: 02-20-2011, 12:13 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO