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  1. #1
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    Default INTJ needs help decoding an ENFP!

    ENFP’s help me please shed some light on this sitution! (I know this is really long, but I didn't want to leave anything out)

    I am an INTJ woman and I meant an ENFP guy (both in our 30‘s), we went out on one date at which point he told me he really like me. After the date, we begin texting back and forth for a few days. During this time he told me he felt a connection with me and he was looking for a long term relationship. I let him know I liked him too and maybe if we decided we were compatible. He also said all his life he’s been searching for true love and that he feels all his x’s used him on some level.

    Out of the blue a few days later, he text me and said he had to leave the country to go visit his family in Europe. He said we would talk when he returned. He left the same day as he told me he was leaving.

    A couple days later, after he left he text me and said he was thinking of returning in a couple of weeks and wanted to get together when he got back. I told him that would be fine. He continued to text me for a couple of days after that and again said he wanted something long term and would like to get married soon if everything worked out. (As an INTJ, I was a bit shocked because we had only been out on one date! I don’t know about other types, but it takes me awhile to warm up to someone and certainly having to know someone over a long period of time to talk about marriage). I told him I liked him too and that we would have to wait and see how it would turn out because we didn’t really know each other yet. He seemed fine and he told me he was liking me more now.

    After this, I didn’t hear from him for a week (whereas before it was every day or every other day). I text him Happy Easter and we talked for a bit and that was it. He didn’t end up coming back at the end of the couple weeks and was still away.

    A couple days ago, he text me. He seem really emotional. He said he felt really bad about not coming back and that we didn’t get to see each other. He said he was going to have to stay there because his Mom’s birthday was next week and that his Mom was pressuring him to stay there for 6 weeks now because of another family event coming up. He then said his mom was also pressuring him to be with an Italian girl and had set him up on a date with one. He said he went out with her and he didn’t feel the connection he did with me. He said he didn’t want me to feel bad or hurt if we couldn’t meet up when he got back if he ended up meeting someone over there. And that we should keep in touch and date other people because he didn’t want to waste my time and if he was single when he got back then he’d contact me. I told him that was probably the best thing and he needed to do what was best for him. But, when I agreed with him he started to back pedal and get emotional and said if I really felt it could work between us then for me to wait for him. He then told me he promised he wasn’t going to fall for anyone over there as long as we kept a connection and he’d be back in 6 weeks for sure. Then he told me, it didn't matter if I were Italian as long as I learned the culture and how to speak the language.We left it like that and I haven’t heard from him since.

    I am really confused! I do like him, but I'm not used to someone so emotional. I dont know how to take him or if he's being genuine? Or just overly emotional and unsure what he wants? Or if he's fishing to see how I really feel about him? Playing games? Lost interest and doesn’t want to hurt my feelings? Or something else entirely? Please help!!

    Since he's been away I hear from him less and less. I don’t know what to think or do at this point?

    Can anyone shed some light please? Thank you

  2. #2
    Senior Member Rebe's Avatar
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    I think that it's unfair for him to say one thing and then something else. I prefer that people say what they mean and once they say something, commit to it, otherwise don't say it at all.

    I think you should focus on how you feel about the situation, how much you like him, what you'd be willing to do, keeping in mind that you two don't really know each other and have only been on one date. How can he fall for someone within six weeks, esp. if he's planning to leave uhm Italy and return to where you are? I'm confused.

    I would give this space, personally and see what happens. I wouldn't think too much about it or over-think it. I have the same problem where I analyze something to death and tend to over-think to see what all the possible angles are. But with a lot of things, it takes time to unfold.

    So my advice is to think about what you want, but don't think too much that your head hurts because you two don't really know each other that well. If you like him, tell him but it's good to wait for him to return and see what happens then.

  3. #3
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    I think he's being genuine - I don't see any reason to doubt that. Sometimes for ExxPs it can be hard to remain focused on a stimulus that's not constantly around (you, in this case, Lori). It also can be hard for us not to feel strongly swayed by a stimulus that is around (for example, his mom).

    To me, it sounds like he's being torn strongly in two different directions. He's probably struggling to live up to the desires of his family versus the potential of a relationship with you, who he clearly likes very much, and is waffling as a result. I'm surprised by his swiftness to bring up marriage, but perhaps he's feeling both internal and external pressure to settle down soon. I imagine it was uncomfortable to have that reference to such a strong, permanent bond in contrast to him talking about dating over there and being single when he gets back.

    Like Rebe said, I think it really ends up coming back to how much you like him and how far you're willing to go for him. It sounds like family is a major pressure in his life and I imagine it will continue to be a strong influence on him and how he handles relationships in the future.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Santosha's Avatar
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    Honestly, I would be very put off by this behavior, personally. It reminds me of my younger years when I was conflicted with possibilities, and also toying (or testing) people to see how much they cared, which is a very insensitive and unfair way to treat people. But you know I'm e6 so stability and consistency are big things for me. You could very well be dealing with e2 or 7. Regardless of this guys type and any responces you get here, the only way you will know what's up is by asking. And I think its perfectly acceptable to ask, if you want clarification. A lot of people get caught in a strategic dance, if I do this then they do that then.. etc. Which is a waste, because you are who you are, and the sooner two people are forthright about what they want the faster you can determine real compatibility. On a side note, for the last 5 plus years I have been very direct in what and who I want, and I do not put these types of doubts or uncertainties on people I want. You are prob dealing with someone that doesn't know what they want (and how could they? You've been on one date). Anyhow, you decide if this is okay with you, set your boundaries
    Last edited by Santosha; 04-07-2013 at 01:44 AM.
    Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun - Watts

  5. #5
    Professional Trickster Esoteric Wench's Avatar
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    I agree with Rebe. You need to give this relationship time and space. Let things unfold naturally.

    I'd be concerned that he is texting you about his wanting to get getting married soon. I hear that he is looking for a ltr. And, if this is what you want too, then this is good news. But marriage is something that shouldn't be forced. Too many people get married because they feel like its the time in their life they "should" get married. They wind up marrying whoever they are dating at the time rather than the best/most compatible person. This kind of "must get married" thinking is backwards, I think. You should only get married if you find the "right one". That could take years. (For example, I didn't find my husband until I was 38.) Anyway, I would just file this away for future reference. His focus on getting married could mean he's running scared from being single. I don't know about you, but I'd rather marry a man who is completely comfortable in his skin as a single person, instead of a man who is desperate to find his "soul mate".

    As far as him being an ENFP... well, it's hard for me to say exactly. As an ENFP, I tend to say aloud whatever is on my mind. And, I don't always put the appropriate forethought into what I say before I say it. Oftentimes, I don't even know if I really believe what I'm saying until I say it. It sort of like I analyze what I'm saying after the fact to see if it really rings true with my Fi.

    Now I don't want to give you the impression that you can't trust what an ENFP says... just remember to listen more to what they say over extended periods of time. If they keep repeating something then they definitely believe in what they're saying whole heartedly. What I hear from this guy is that he does like you. He has repeated it over time. So I think it's a definite that he has feelings for you.

    Another things about being an ENFP is that with our dominant Ne we can always see all the permutations in any given situation. Your ENFP can see dating you seriously, he can see meeting someone in Europe. Both scenarios are possible. And he sees them both. Sometimes as an ENFP it's painful to see all the permutations and it takes time and self-reflection to step back from all the possibilities and pick one to proceed with because as Ps we hate to cut off our options. So I would take what he said about possibly meeting another girl in Italy at face value. He very well might. But I find it unlikely.

    So to sum up my advice, I'd say to file away for future reference that he might be a little too hurried to get married. Other than that, you just need to give him time to sort out all the possibilities he sees re: dating you or some yet to be met European girl. I wouldn't put my life on hold for him. Just put him on the back burner until he's back in the country and you have a real chance to get to know him better.

    Hope this helps.
    ENFP with kick*ss Te | 7w8 so | ♀

  6. #6
    Senior Member Ene's Avatar
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    Eek, genuine or not, he seems floopy to me. Someone who starts talking serious that soon into a relationship scares me, because it makes me wonder if his x's are his x's for a valid reason, but I'm neither Italian nor ENFP. haha..so what do I know? Still, I'm just saying that a million red flags flew up when I read your post and I think, proceed with caution.
    A student said to his master: "You teach me fighting, but you talk about peace. How do you reconcile the two?" The master replied: "It is better to be a warrior in a garden than to be a gardener in a war." - unknown/Chinese

    http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...=61024&page=14

  7. #7
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    Thanks for your contributions and advice! It has given me perspective.

  8. #8
    Senior Member pinkgraffiti's Avatar
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    wtf, is this 200 years ago? he wants to marry you after 1 date? his family wants him to marry someone else? he has excessive emotions on the phone after 1 date?

    get away, whatever the ENFP is doing to you it's based on idealisation and it's going to fall flat on your face. EsotericWench was right with this: his Ne is flying and you have to at least wait over time for Fi-consistency. But take very lightly all these "big-ideas" that he tells you. (especially if not followed by consistency in time)

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