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[ENFP] ENFP Girlfriend Stringing Me Along - Should I Keep Trying?

OrangeAppled

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The reason why it seems so clear-cut to me is because I always know how I feel that far into a relationship. Either it clicks or it doesn't, and if I were to say that I don't feel what I should feel in a relationship, there's no connection, I would mean EXACTLY THAT. To me that means there isn't anything real or intimate going on, that it's been fun, you're a nice guy, but we're not "in love" though I may like you or care about you.

As a person who has almost compulsively sought intimacy in her life, even if I am not an ENFP (and this should probably clear up people thinking that I am, that I am not as sympathetic as the ENFP females in this thread seem to be, so likely not) ...if I said those words, it would amount to "I am not feeling it. We have not established the bond we should have, physically mentally or emotionally."

To me it seems pretty simple, and in the ENFP-INTJ thread, [MENTION=6166]Orobas[/MENTION] said the other day something about an ENFP girl stringing along a guy she really had no interest in, and how she thought he was a tortured INTJ, and the ENFP had a bf, but she kept "leaving the door open" for "possibilities."

That's a bunch of fucking shit and it hurts people, okay? So she shouldn't be kissing him after she made a declaration like that. I disagree with [MENTION=6561]OrangeAppled[/MENTION] that she's "over empathizing." If she really had empathy, she'd turn him loose instead of being so selfish about being perceived as "nice" or whatever the fuck, or leaving the door open just in case she can't find a solid replacement soon enough.

That is honestly the way I view the situation. You know guys, ENFPs have flaws just like every other type, they aren't perfect people, and stringing people along opportunistically under a facade of kindness could potentially be one of them.

It's selfish. It's not kind. Kind is being forthright and honest, and letting him go. This is the kind of thing people do when they have trepidation about losing their cash cow or their regular date, what someone might do when afraid of being alone, not because they actually aren't sure they love the person.

Maybe I'm more sure of my feelings than an ENFP. Who knows. Maybe that points to Fi dom over Fi aux for me.

She's not stringing him along, nor does it even sound like she is unsure about her decision once safely removed from his pleading. There's a massive difference between being pulled back in by someone because of misused empathy ("I see how they feel & hate making them feel that way" & "Maybe there is a possibility after all?" ---> agree to keep trying in hopes her feeling may change, then kissing someone she is technically still dating) than deliberately keeping someone around until you find someone else. There are entirely different motives & feelings involved. The OP wants to know what could be going on in her head, and I think "stringing along" is not it. I think it's feeling bad about hurting someone & putting aside her feelings so she maybe doesn't have to hurt him.

We don't know the full context for the kissing also; maybe HE is using this to confuse her enough to get her to agree to keep seeing him? Why is SHE the manipulative one here?

I agree she needs to stick to her feelings for both their own good. However she has tried to turn him loose. She essentially broke up with him in the email. How is it fair or nice or kind of him to keep asking her to give it another chance? He's not respecting her feelings or decision either.

I DO agree it's a flaw to allow herself to be pulled by someone else's feelings, especially when she knows in the long-run it won't work out.
I also DO believe that an ENFP is probably less clear cut on feelings, at least initially, and that's why it's easy for someone else to keep opening a door she is trying to shut. I DO also see N-dom (especially N-dom NFs) as being rather fickle, because value seems led by potential rather than the other way around.

But what's going on in another thread with another person doesn't seem really relevant to me here.

Here, I just see two people who've dated & one who isn't feeling it anymore & keeps trying to end it while the other hangs on. It sucks & it hurts to be the rejected one, but it doesn't mean the other person really wronged them.
 

Thalassa

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She's not stringing him along, nor does it even sound like she is unsure about her decision once safely removed from his pleading. There's a massive difference between being pulled back in by someone because of misused empathy ("I see how they feel & hate making them feel that way" & "Maybe there is a possibility after all?" ---> agree to keep trying in hopes her feeling may change, then kissing someone she is technically still dating) than deliberately keeping someone around until you find someone else. There are entirely different motives & feelings involved. The OP wants to know what could be going on in her head, and I think "stringing along" is not it. I think it's feeling bad about hurting someone & putting aside her feelings so she maybe doesn't have to hurt him.

We don't know the full context for the kissing also; maybe HE is using this to confuse her enough to get her to agree to keep seeing him? Why is SHE the manipulative one here?

I agree she needs to stick to her feelings for both their own good. However she has tried to turn him loose. She essentially broke up with him in the email. How is it fair or nice or kind of him to keep asking her to give it another chance? He's not respecting her feelings or decision either.

I DO agree it's a flaw to allow herself to be pulled by someone else's feelings, especially when she knows in the long-run it won't work out.
I also DO believe that an ENFP is probably less clear cut on feelings, at least initially, and that's why it's easy for someone else to keep opening a door she is trying to shut. I DO also see N-dom (especially N-dom NFs) as being rather fickle, because value seems led by potential rather than the other way around.

But what's going on in another thread with another person doesn't seem really relevant to me here.

Here, I just see two people who've dated & one who isn't feeling it anymore & keeps trying to end it while the other hangs on. It sucks & it hurts to be the rejected one, but it doesn't mean the other person really wronged them.

That's just the way I see it, and I was explaining my attitude, if some people saw it as "harsh" or unwarranted, and why I see it that way. You could be right, she could be trying to give a chance because she does have some kind of feelings for him.

I guess in romantic relationships things are messy, because you bring up a good point about him not letting her go, but I understand his perspective, that he wants to try to make it work if they were just getting along great ten days ago and they had told each other they loved each other.

So I don't think he's being unethical by asking her to think about it more, to see him and see if she feels different after seeing him in person; however, since they have seen each other in person, I guess he should try to let her go if her decision is final, and stop hanging on, because he has a responsibility ethically also to respect her decision.

Thanks for bringing that up. I didn't even think about that.
 
W

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And last I checked, your trademark "charismatic", manipulative hogwash was supposed to work.
It isn't. So what happened? Huh? What else do you have to fall back on?

Exactly. That's what I thought.

I patiently await your redundant wall-of-text response...


I rarely turn to higher powers, but thank the lord I was made ISTP 9 and not ISTP 6.
 
A

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I have been dating this ENFP girl for about 6 months. I am an ESTP. She's pretty typical ENFP - easily distracted, has a hard time following through on things she's into because there are too many possiblities, her head is very much in the clouds and not necessarily paying attention to things like rules, details, etc. She is extremely smart though, charming & charismatic, funny, and super social. Like at a bar she'll run around and talk to everyone. She gets easily distracted by sparkly things.

We got together about 6 months ago in September and then in November she asked me to be her boyfriend. We are both 24. She tends to be idealistic in relationships - like on Valentine's Day when I got her a gift, she told me how much she loved it and how I'm totally the best. She'd often say things like that. She's a very sensitive person as well but is pretty openly sexually liberated (the relationship moved pretty fast in that sense when we first met). We told each other I love you about a week before Valentine's Day. Since then we would say it to each other unprompted. We always did fun stuff together and had a great time. Before I left town for 10 days, nothing seemed wrong.

However, when I was out of town out of the blue she sent me an email telling me that she wanted to end it because she's just not feeling the emotions she needs to feel in a relationship. I was surprised because the week before when I was still gone, she had called me out of the blue and told me "I love you, I miss you, and I'll see you when you are back". But then I got that email one week later. She told me that I'm an awesome, fun person to be around (she has never been bored with me) but that she doesn't feel the deep connection she wants to. Like that we aren't creating a world together, we don't have the kind of love that can transcend her problems, and she doesn't feel the same way about me when I am with her as when I am not.

She also mentioned that she doesn't feel like we spend enough time together (which I told her I am more than happy to do), that she feels like her simple dreams of being a teacher are not compatible with my dreams of doing amazing things and that she isn't sure if the reasons I like her are good enough - she keeps saying I could like anyone for those reasons. She also says that she feels self conscious around me. I told her that I'd love to spend more time with her but breaking up seems to be the wrong way to do that and that she can tell me anything so she shouldn't feel self conscious around me. She has also told me that she's not even sure if she should be in a relationship right now because her life is a little up in the air in August and so she's not sure if it's the best thing for her right now. Also, she has really disliked her job ever since I've met her. Finally she's taking steps towards getting a new one and leave soon. I feel like part of her feels that she may need time to work on herself and get through this before being in a relationship.

I've met with her twice since she sent that email and every time at the end of the conversation we kiss and she says she's going to think about continuing it. I also randomly bumped into her a few days ago and we had a great 30 minute conversation and touched but it doens't really feel resolved. Do any other ENFP's have any idea what is going on/what she is feeling? Or why she could change so quickly? Or if it is worth it to try to keep it alive? She seems a bit confused to me. Thank you.

Please allow me to simplify and help you find peace. :) Romance is about being with the right person at the right time. If you’re with the right person at the wrong time, or the wrong person at the right time, things won’t work out.

I believe love begets love. And that being a person of *honor*, *courage* and *strength* is much more rewarding and admirable than being a person of anxiety, fear and anger.

Which means:

Not assuming the worst in her.
Not doing anything to intentionally hurt her, no matter what.
Not being defeated by fear or anger and exhibiting fight or flight behavior.

True love is loving someone enough to see them happy; even if that requires letting them go, but do not do so until you have communicated with her and come to that understanding.

Here's what I propose:
Get to the root of her feelings. Arrange a one-on-one in a quiet place and talk, where you are leading the conversation.

Start out with something like this...
"I'm frankly confused about what is going on between us. Tell me the truth, am I loving and responding in the way you need me to right now?"

If she rambles on and you get the impression she's not committed or is uncertain about what to do, then say...
"It sounds like you are considering ending our relationship. Is that what you really mean?"

If she says "no" and she shares stuff that you did that hurt her, then take responsibility for those things and say...
"I feel awful about that. Please don't give up on me."

She may say "no," and that she's confused and needs some time to sort things out. It's up to you whether you want to do that, but make sure you clearly define the terms; such as, if you would be seeing other people during that time. And frankly, I think you should.

If she says "yes," then don't fight it, but rather, ask her one more time...
"Is that what you really want?"

If she says "yes," then simply say...
"Okay. I love you and I want you to be happy." AND lay down the ground rules. You can't hang out. You can't kissy-huggy. Do that for *you*, so you can move on. You have so many other options. See paragraph 1.

NOTE: If at any point she is disrespectful to you, interrupt her and calmly-firmly say...
"Rather than disrespecting me, would you tell me what you want in a kinder way?"
 

Galena

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I don't see a monster. I just see a woman saying she isn't ready because, in fact, she actually isn't.

Please allow me to simplify and help you find peace. :) Romance is about being with the right person at the right time. If you’re with the right person at the wrong time, or the wrong person at the right time, things won’t work out.
Thank you. *fist bump*
 

Bilateral Entry

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Dear OP [MENTION=18097]deanmartin12345[/MENTION] How much shit are you willing to put up with? I think you're gonna see a cycle. She's gonna be unsure of your relationship, and that's just going to keep coming up. If you're OK with that, then go for it. If you think that's more than you want to (or can) deal with, then tell her that it'd be best if you parted ways. Don't be mean to her. That'll just give you one more thing to feel guilty about afterwards.
 

skylights

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Nice post, [MENTION=8543]Nerd Girl[/MENTION].

I think it's ridiculous the amount of anger and disdain being brought to this thread. This post was directed at ENFPs so that we could give insight into our particular line of thinking; the ENFPs here have said we don't feel this is intentionally malicious. Spewing a bunch of negativity at this girl isn't good for anyone.
 

skylights

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Good Christ...are you people really this pathetic?

All I'm saying is I think it's unfair to condemn her up front. She sounds young and like she moved too fast. Clearly the way she communicated the feeling wasn't the best, but that doesn't make her badly intentioned. Some of us don't have the gift of such clear-cut thinking and decision making. We struggle to know when things need to end and when there's still hope.
 

Poindexter Arachnid

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I think it's ridiculous the amount of anger and disdain being brought to this thread. This post was directed at ENFPs so that we could give insight into our particular line of thinking; the ENFPs here have said we don't feel this is intentionally malicious.

All I'm saying is I think it's unfair to condemn her up front. She sounds young and like she moved too fast. Clearly the way she communicated the feeling wasn't the best, but that doesn't make her badly intentioned. Some of us don't have the gift of such clear-cut thinking and decision making. We struggle to know when things need to end and when there's still hope.

You leave collateral damage in your wake and then do everything in your power to skeeze your way out of it.
What the hell do you expect? I mean, honestly?

You are a pitiable, obnoxious and amoral breed and should be taken with a grain of salt.
Christ's sake--You're not willing to be held accountable for your actions even when they're harmful.

You creatures are truly unbelievable.
 

skylights

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[MENTION=12864]Duck_of_Death[/MENTION] - :rofl1: We barely know the specifics of the situation yet you've crowned yourself judge, jury, and executioner of all ENFPs!
 

skylights

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[MENTION=12864]Duck_of_Death[/MENTION] - :rofl1: We barely know the specifics of the situation yet you've crowned yourself judge, jury, and executioner of all ENFPs!
 
A

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I don't see a monster. I just see a woman saying she isn't ready because, in fact, she actually isn't.
Hmmm, are you *the girl* that's under the microscope?

Thank you. *fist bump*
lol. *solidarity*

I think you're gonna see a cycle. She's gonna be unsure of your relationship, and that's just going to keep coming up. If you're OK with that, then go for it. If you think that's more than you want to (or can) deal with, then tell her that it'd be best if you parted ways.
I don't know; maybe. Only time will tell.

Don't be mean to her. That'll just give you one more thing to feel guilty about afterwards.
Yeps. :)

Nice post, [MENTION=8543]Nerd Girl[/MENTION].
Thank you very much. <3

I think it's ridiculous the amount of anger and disdain being brought to this thread. This post was directed at ENFPs so that we could give insight into our particular line of thinking; the ENFPs here have said we don't feel this is intentionally malicious. Spewing a bunch of negativity at this girl isn't good for anyone.
Oh well, you know what they say about boys that are mean to girls... they're in luv... or is it lust? I forget.
 

Poindexter Arachnid

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[MENTION=12864]Duck_of_Death[/MENTION] - :rofl1: We barely know the specifics of the situation yet you've crowned yourself judge, jury, and executioner of all ENFPs!

You don't need specifics when you have experience.
She's a shallow, self-absorbed, manic-pixie girl/whore/female player.

She is dependent on external validation and will shamelessly use anybody to get it.
Relationships will always be rocky with her because she is addicted to the chemical rush of infatuation.

Genuine bonding? Adult "love"? Will never enter into the equation for her. And regardless of how you wish to spin it, she is intentionally giving him just enough rope to hang himself so that he will "stick around". "Look at what I can make my dog do!" is what she is smugly saying to herself when he tries to reconcile. It is sickening.

He deserves better than this.
 

1487610420

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You don't need specifics when you have experience.
She's a shallow, self-absorbed, manic-pixie girl/whore/female player.

She is dependent on external validation and will shamelessly use anybody to get it.
Relationships will always be rocky with her because she is addicted to the chemical rush of infatuation.

Genuine bonding? Adult "love"? Will never enter into the equation for her. And regardless of how you wish to spin it, she is intentionally giving him just enough rope to hang himself so that he will "stick around". "Look at what I can make my dog do!" is what she is smugly saying to herself when he tries to reconcile. It is sickening.

He deserves better than this.

Careful, lest you summon the wrath/lust of a certain INTP FEMALE forum user.
 
A

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You don't need specifics when you have experience.
She's a shallow, self-absorbed, manic-pixie girl/whore/female player.

She is dependent on external validation and will shamelessly use anybody to get it.
Relationships will always be rocky with her because she is addicted to the chemical rush of infatuation.

Genuine bonding? Adult "love"? Will never enter into the equation for her. And regardless of how you wish to spin it, she is intentionally giving him just enough rope to hang himself so that he will "stick around". "Look at what I can make my dog do!" is what she is smugly saying to herself when he tries to reconcile. It is sickening.

He deserves better than this.

The mic is on and working well... we heard you repeat yourself loud and clear... over...
 

Thalassa

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I have to admit I personally prefer a partner who says things like "I know I suck, you deserve someone who can give more of himself to you, you're too good for this" or even "fuck off I don't want to be with you" over someone who does things like say they don't want to be with me ...but then keep contacting me or stalking me around the Internet...or like in the OP's case, still keeps kissing him and stuff.

It's a personal preference. I find people who send mixed signals without any trace of moral culpability (like trying to blame it all on the other person or on circumstances) to be among some of the most irritating people on the face of the earth.

However, I think [MENTION=8543]Nerd Girl[/MENTION] has a fantastic point about how to deal with ALL and ANY relationship, no matter how either or both partners are behaving.

Because realistically maybe a part of her does want to be with him, maybe she really is that immature and confused, so she probably doesn't consciously CONNIVE to do any of this, I don't think she's conniving (to clarify my perspective) but I also don't think she should be rewarded in any way for this behavior, and that's why I said earlier I agreed with [MENTION=12864]Duck_of_Death[/MENTION] in part, in one of his posts. She needs to learn from this experience so hopefully she doesn't keep doing it, like MDP's friend, who frankly sounded like a trainwreck to me.

I'm also not saying I'm morally superior. I'm just saying she shouldn't be rewarded for her behavior, because it is confusing and push-pull.

And if the OP really loves her, I understand why he's trying to hang on and try to make it work out, even if he later realizes the most moral and adult thing to do is to just let her go. And if he couldn't, that would be HIS issue, of learning to let go. You can't have a relationship with a pleasant memory, and trying to force a person or situation who has realistically changed back into that time when it worked...doesn't work. It's hurting yourself, and unfair to the other person in its own way, though the rejected party usually feels more justified in doing this.
 

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I like [MENTION=8543]Nerd Girl[/MENTION] 's post too.

The "push/pull" routine torments everyone. Nobody likes it. I've never met anyone who consciously does it on purpose to upset someone though. They're just being a bit self-absorbed, as humans often are. Considering their emotions, which are probably super complicated, you can't be mad at them.

When you find yourself the victim of someone's push/pull routine, you have to take responsibility for your own happiness and just end it yourself or decide that you're going to endure the rollercoaster. If you decide to end it, tell her to take the time she needs to get where she wants to be and to contact you when she's truly ready to be with you and if you're still single, then you can start over. At the ending point, you should sever all ties though.

If you don't want to break up, then I would start with reassuring her and helping her feel secure, and see how that works. If she continues to act like a fool, then it's out of your hands and at least you can say you tried.
 

Haight

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You don't need specifics when you have experience.
She's a shallow, self-absorbed, manic-pixie girl/whore/female player.

She is dependent on external validation and will shamelessly use anybody to get it.
Relationships will always be rocky with her because she is addicted to the chemical rush of infatuation.

Genuine bonding? Adult "love"? Will never enter into the equation for her. And regardless of how you wish to spin it, she is intentionally giving him just enough rope to hang himself so that he will "stick around". "Look at what I can make my dog do!" is what she is smugly saying to herself when he tries to reconcile. It is sickening.

He deserves better than this.
INTJ.
 

Thalassa

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I like [MENTION=8543]Nerd Girl[/MENTION] 's post too.

The "push/pull" routine torments everyone. I've never met anyone who consciously does it on purpose to upset someone though. They're just being a bit self-absorbed, as humans often are. Considering their emotions, which are probably super complicated, you can't be mad at them.

When you find yourself the victim of someone's push/pull routine, you have to take responsibility for your own happiness and just end it yourself or decide that you're going to endure the rollercoaster. If you decide to end it, tell her to take the time she needs to get where she wants to be and to contact you when she's truly ready to be with you and if you're still single, then you can start over.

I agree with this. At some point you have to say "you know what? I'm the person giving into this. I shouldn't indulge this behavior if it hurts me, I have control over my own life, and if I am giving too much to a person who isn't sure what they want, then I need to stop to let them know its not okay." But that's difficult for someone in love, who wants to give the beloved every chance imaginable, or who may be weak in terms of affection or sex, that they just crumble and give in when that person touches them or is physically around. I KNOW.

So it can be hard to say "no, sorry, I'm not going to let you play this game with me" if you are in love with someone and wish it would work, even if the person isn't meaning to play a game.

In fact it makes it emotionally harder to shut someone out when you know them well enough or sense they are actually hurting or confused, you just want to meet them in the middle and let them know you're there for them.

And yes, there definitely are people who do things like this selfishly, usually for sex, money, security, or attention. So let's not pretend those people don't exist.

But I suppose giving the OPs gf the benefit of the doubt, that she's not one of them, is only fair.

On the other hand, making her look too victimized by her confused indecision takes away her culpability as a fully functioning adult who is capable of engaging in intimate relationships.
 
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