[ENFP] ENFP Girlfriend Stringing Me Along - Should I Keep Trying?

[Lark]

When I discover anyone has been devious or insincere in their dealings with me they're history.

 

[Poindexter Arachnid]

I'm amazed at how many people get ANGRY when their partner asks for words of affirmation. Like they've been asked to murder someone. I think it's very telling.

You're full of shit.

She doesn't give a damn about him. Like Marm said, she is looking for empty admiration.
He is nothing more than an object to make her feel good about herself.

Fuck that.

Neediness and insecurities aren't exactly virtues, don'cha know?
No. They're character traits of a fuckin' weakling nobody respects.

 

[Amargith]

Can we have a split of the thread, so that people who wanna condemn this behaviour have their own thread to do it in, without ruining the thread of the Op? Especially since he hasn't asked for a judgement from the crowd, just insights into what might be going in in her head from other ENFPs?

 

[Poindexter Arachnid]

"Me, me, me!!!" is what is going on in her head. OP needs to quit deluding himself. Going to the source is unwise as well; OP only got indiscernible, long,winded, self-important psychobabble that compounded the already shitty situation.

 

[Amargith]

"Me, me, me!!!" is what is going on in her head.
OP needs to quit deluding himself.

She does not care about anything but her "feelings".

Last I checked, you weren't a mind reader or an ENFP

 

[Ginkgo]

Gonna have to agree with Duck on this one. She lost her source of affirmation and detached when what she had no longer sufficed. I wouldn't go as far as to say that she was cheating, but she probably developed feelings for someone else. If OP moved on, she would probably take notice but I don't think she would approach him in the same vein as she had been in the romantic stages.

/MHO

 

[Rasofy]

'Cause she is a filthy whore.

You people disgust me.

You're full of shit.

Fuck that.

 

[011235813]

I'm conflicted on this one, to be honest. Her behavior seems erratic and I can understand why people are suggesting that she's trying to use you and might even be cheating on you. I'm not going to discount those suggestions because they may very well be true, but for what it's worth, I do think people are bringing some of their personal baggage to this thread.

Personally, I think she sounds very insecure. Did you try to initiate contact at all during the ten days you were away? She might have freaked out that you weren't getting back in touch with her as often as she wanted. I don't think you did anything wrong and she shouldn't expect you to be a mindreader but some people do need a very high level of contact and communication in order to feel safe, and one moment of panic can spiral into all sorts of twisted thinking about the relationship itself.

If you haven't already talked this out with her and aired all your concerns as you have with us, you should do so. Don't let her weasel her way out of resolving the issue just because it feels more comfortable not to.

 

[WALMART]

When I was around 18 I did something similar to a girl, and it was for certain resultant of personal problems I am still unwilling to discuss.

Interpersonal relationships can become fucked up for reasons well beyond your immediate comprehension. Endure the emotional torture or abandon ship, I reckon.



(also, a lot of the advice in this thread is just flat-out bad in terms of "what is causing this", although I agree on the suggestion of you dropping all emotional investment ASAP, provided you don't possess a super-human will)

 

[sleuthiness]

She's offering you the right-of-way.

Once you defer from unadulterated attraction/affection and into the netherworlds of speculation and persuasion things go down the tubes (granted I'm a different animal), so if you value her traits enough to start an internet thread, learn to identify them in others and take what you want, op. What's your city's population?

 

[Giggly]

Last I checked, you weren't a mind reader or an ENFP

Yes

 

[Giggly]

This is actually a really thought provoking topic in general.

Is it possible to feel too insecure to be with someone?

 

[Poindexter Arachnid]

Last I checked, you weren't a mind reader or an ENFP

And last I checked, your trademark "charismatic", manipulative hogwash was supposed to work.
It isn't. So what happened? Huh? What else do you have to fall back on?

Exactly. That's what I thought.

I patiently await your redundant wall-of-text response...

 

[Winds of Thor]

This is actually a really thought provoking topic in general.

Is it possible to feel too insecure to be with someone?

Well, like what [MENTION=4398]Giggly[/MENTION] says, adding this it could pivot on what gifts one brings to the other, and perhaps just as importantly, how and if the other shows appreciation about one's gifts making a relationship (languages of love). Also how. Not to be too picky though.

If these things resonate I would think there'd be a good chance for a relationship forming.

Having said this, if someone is still too jittery they might have courage and anyway or if they're too generally insecure then I suppose it would be up to them whether they either rise up or decide to falter. If their self-image is one of unsure or insecurity, then hopefully they try and they'll at least be stronger for it and try again one day.

 

[Amargith]

And last I checked, your trademark "charismatic", manipulative hogwash was supposed to work.
It isn't. So what happened? Huh? What else do you have to fall back on?

Exactly. That's what I thought.

I patiently await your redundant wall-of-text response...

I have no idea what crawled up your ass and died but:

Do any other ENFP's have any idea what is going on/what she is feeling?.

The man asked for insights. Not judgement.

This is his decision.

We don't even have all the facts, nor do we know her or the situation. And the last thing he needs is a bunch of poorly thought out kneejerk reactions to fill his head with drivel, nor to have the woman he clearly cares about dragged through the mud by a bunch of strangers who seem for some reason incapable of seperating their own frustrations from his situation. I'm kind of taken aback by the torches and pitchforks madness going on in this thread, tbh

 

[Poindexter Arachnid]

I have no idea what crawled up your ass and died but:



The man asked for insights. Not judgement.

You're never going to get a genuine answer from an ENFP.
They're the CIA operatives of the Myers-Briggs world.

Lies, half-truths, disinformation and propaganda are the tools of the craft.
Obfuscating to the extent that any inherent truth is lost in the mix.

This only works on fools and children; I am neither.

This is his decision.

We don't even have all the facts, nor do we know her or the situation.

You don't need facts when you have intuition.

And the last thing he needs is a bunch of poorly thought out kneejerk reactions to fill his head with drivel, nor to have the woman he clearly cares about dragged through the mud by a bunch of strangers who seem for some reason incapable of seperating their own frustrations from his situation. I'm kind of taken aback by the torches and pitchforks madness going on in this thread, tbh

The last thing he needs is to "understand" people who clearly aren't worthy of relationships.

 

[Jaguar]

*spits out coffee laughing*

 

[OrangeAppled]

Because she's still kissing him.

After he convinces her they should keep trying...

That's why I say she's guilty of letting him sway her instead of sticking to her feelings, but not of much else. In the moment, she's too easily seeing his view & feelings & forgetting her own.

She's doing the thing where she's keeping him hanging on...just in case something better doesn't come along or she feels afraid. Or dumped by her new boyfriend.

She's not keeping him hanging on, IMO. He's keeping her hanging on. If he accepted her feelings, they'd be broken up.
She's not trying to convince him to stick around...he's trying to convince her.

Perhaps she is not a super clear communicator, but I can easily imagine that is due to trying to spare his feelings & not invalidate them either. Maybe some Te will finally come out & she'll give him no uncertain terms.

I guess this is how I'm seeing it:

ENFP meets ESTP & finds him attractive. She pursues potential as Ne-dom do, & they date. She's enamoured more with an idea of him than anything though, and as his reality become clearer, doubt sets in about the real potential. His absence gave her time to sort out her own feelings (Fi) instead of staying caught up in pursuing an idea. She seeks to end it & gives her reasons. He keeps trying to talk her out of it. When they meet, her heart is tugged by his feelings & she sees his perspective in the moment (perhaps reviving some "potential"), and agrees to keep trying or at least think about. When alone, she recalls her own feelings & why they are valid & goes back to her prior decision.

I see her as being tugged back & forth, and only guilty of not standing her ground (over-empathizing). He needs to let go....

EDIT: I notice the ENFPs feel she is still sorting & has not reached a conclusion. I suppose Fi decisions are less clear for them (as a Fi-dom, I rarely need to separate my feelings from someone else's; very foreign to me), but the OP still makes me think she's pretty solid on her feelings already and is mainly swayed when around him. If he lets her go, I don't think she'll be back.

Anyway, I understand the OP's upset at the fickleness. I suspect her doubts have been forming quietly in the back of her head, but only emerged as clear feelings to make a decision with during the absence.

 

[Thalassa]

The reason why it seems so clear-cut to me is because I always know how I feel that far into a relationship. Either it clicks or it doesn't, and if I were to say that I don't feel what I should feel in a relationship, there's no connection, I would mean EXACTLY THAT. To me that means there isn't anything real or intimate going on, that it's been fun, you're a nice guy, but we're not "in love" though I may like you or care about you.

As a person who has almost compulsively sought intimacy in her life, even if I am not an ENFP (and this should probably clear up people thinking that I am, that I am not as sympathetic as the ENFP females in this thread seem to be, so likely not) ...if I said those words, it would amount to "I am not feeling it. We have not established the bond we should have, physically mentally or emotionally."

To me it seems pretty simple, and in the ENFP-INTJ thread, [MENTION=6166]Orobas[/MENTION] said the other day something about an ENFP girl stringing along a guy she really had no interest in, and how she thought he was a tortured INTJ, and the ENFP had a bf, but she kept "leaving the door open" for "possibilities."

That's a bunch of fucking shit and it hurts people, okay? So she shouldn't be kissing him after she made a declaration like that. I disagree with [MENTION=6561]OrangeAppled[/MENTION] that she's "over empathizing." If she really had empathy, she'd turn him loose instead of being so selfish about being perceived as "nice" or whatever the fuck, or leaving the door open just in case she can't find a solid replacement soon enough.

That is honestly the way I view the situation. You know guys, ENFPs have flaws just like every other type, they aren't perfect people, and stringing people along opportunistically under a facade of kindness could potentially be one of them.

It's selfish. It's not kind. Kind is being forthright and honest, and letting him go. This is the kind of thing people do when they have trepidation about losing their cash cow or their regular date, what someone might do when afraid of being alone, not because they actually aren't sure they love the person.

Maybe I'm more sure of my feelings than an ENFP. Who knows. Maybe that points to Fi dom over Fi aux for me.

 

[tinker683]

My ex did something very similar: Told me she loved, that she adored me, that she wanted committment and a longterm thing with me.....but then pushed me away and told me I brought out the worst in her when I gave her everything she asked me too

Do yourself a favor and walk away. She may love you, she may not, but what she's doing is unfair to you. She sounds like she's got some things she needs to work out and it's not your job to wait around and wait for her to decide that you're worth it. As I tell most N's: SHE NEEDS TO SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT