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  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    Nah, you guys, MDP was closer when she said it's insecurity. I don't think she has necessarily cheated, but she obviously had a couple bouts of insecurity in terms of the strength of the relationship. Time away is hard because there's little positive emotional reassurance and lots of reminders of other options. I wouldn't blame you if you found this unacceptable, but, as an ENFP myself, I don't find it particularly surprising. We live in a world of possibilities and without enough Feeling grounding a relationship, it can become a struggle to want to stay committed when you have constant reminders that there might be something healthier for both of you out there. As far as I can tell in this situation, there's still room for a relationship with her if you want to keep pursuing it, but if you do, it probably won't be the end of her insecurity. So it's worth it if this kind of thing isn't a big deal to you, and you're game for trying to make the changes that she feels like she really needs.
    I'm going to try to say this as kindly as possible, I understand you're trying to be positive, but SHE DOESNT FEEL THE SAME WAY WITH HIM AS SHE DOES WITHOUT HIM.

    She doesn't love him.

    That's not insecurity. She just likes the feeling of longing for someone, or having a boyfriend around.

    If she was insecure she would feel GREAT when he was around, like jump on him and smother him, not feel less toward him.

    She's at least being a good enough person to admit it to him, don't feed his delusion of keeping her, it will just hurt him.

  2. #12
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    Affairs should be based on love, trust and many other important words.

    Doubt is not one of them.

    Move on.

  3. #13
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    I don't know why people are being so harsh on this ENFP - she was honest! She's trying to end it!
    I can guess why she's being sucked back in by him - over-empathizing. She's allowing his feelings to trump hers because in the moment she is strongly identifying with his feelings & views.

    He's not the ones who needs to end it; he's the one who needs to accept it's over.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  4. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    I don't know why people are being so harsh on this ENFP - she was honest! She's trying to end it!
    I can guess why she's being sucked back in by him - over-empathizing. She's allowing his feelings to trump hers because in the moment she is strongly identifying with his feelings & views.

    He's not the ones who needs to end it; he's the one who needs to accept it's over.
    Because she's still kissing him.

    She's doing the thing where she's keeping him hanging on...just in case something better doesn't come along or she feels afraid. Or dumped by her new boyfriend.

    I wouldn't be so harsh if she wasn't doing that.

    I'm not even saying I'm better than her, or that she's evil. I'm just trying to call attention to what it is, and to point to the words which made her real feelings perfectly clear.

  5. #15
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    I say the combination of the honeymoon phase coming to an end, that being tested by those 10 days away (oh noes, I should miss him more!), and an ENFP who is still working out how love really works aka, its not always going to be a bed of roses and high intensity. Aka fairytale dreams shattered.

    I cant tell if she truly loves you. If she says she is missing that deep connection, that might be a problem. However, if she is confusing that deep connection for the intensity that is missing from the first moment, then she is kidding herself.

    The problem is that when we stumble onto something that does not feel right, we *know* there is a reason, but it can take ages and a lot of research to figure out what that is. And there is no guarantee as to the results. Nor what the collateral damage will be. And...it isnt something we can ignore, usually. Often, it requires an entire perspective shift to fix it, and that can be daunting, scary and a long ass project.

    Honestly, Id do what she is doing atm, if the guy was ok with it. I know it seems cruel, but she is recalibrating her feelings/values and if she is smart, her expectations based on what she is observing now. Hopefully she ll discover that feelings are in the moment and fleeting and what she values endures. The only way to do that is to remove yourself from the feeling influences of others, especially those that care deeply for you, and take readings, then move closer again and take more readings of how you 'feel', and draw conclusions based on that. She is trying to find out what is consistent about her, what is influenced by you and whether that is what she needs.

    OP, if you dont wanna put up with this, I can totally understand. It is a confusing process for the ENFP and an excruciating one for a person who is in fact in love with her. And there is no telling which way she ll swing or how long it will be. Unfortunately, you met her at a time (and potentially triggered this due to the more serious nature of your relationship, which raises more questions than the easy fun-loving fling type relationship) where she still needs to answer those questions for herself. There is no guarantee she'll handle this properly, without hurting you in the process, nor that she will get it right from the first get-go. She has been honest with you about what is going on though, and I think the reasons she is still kissing you and hanging out with you is to somehow confirm her wishful thinking. She sounded really happy before, so I doubt she is doing this for the heck of it, and I bet she would love to go back to that happy period, but does not want to lie to you or herself, while still attempting to regain that 'feeling'.

    If you cannot emotionally distance yourself and start feeling as a yo-yo (which tbh, I can totally understand), I'd say let her go. Coz otherwise you'll have your heart ripped to pieces by this process, I fear. If you truly think that she is for you, check back in a few months and see what happens.

    If you think you can take it...let her do her research. And let the chips fall where they may. I mean, if she is really worth the risk to you, your unwavering resolve to stick it out with her should act as stabilising influence and might just help her through this faster. However...have her confirm the results repeatedly, before recommitting your heart in full!

    Re: cheating

    I..myself would not be able to do that. But you would have to check her background and value stance on cheating. If she does not have a firm belief agianst cheating, she might be gathering extra data with others to figure out what is going on, I suppose.
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  6. #16
    royal member Rasofy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Duck_of_Death View Post
    Good Christ...are you people really this pathetic?
    -----------------

    A man builds. A parasite asks 'Where is my share?'
    A man creates. A parasite says, 'What will the neighbors think?'
    A man invents. A parasite says, 'Watch out, or you might tread on the toes of God... '


    -----------------

  7. #17
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marmotini View Post
    I'm going to try to say this as kindly as possible, I understand you're trying to be positive, but SHE DOESNT FEEL THE SAME WAY WITH HIM AS SHE DOES WITHOUT HIM.

    She doesn't love him.

    That's not insecurity. She just likes the feeling of longing for someone, or having a boyfriend around.

    If she was insecure she would feel GREAT when he was around, like jump on him and smother him, not feel less toward him.

    She's at least being a good enough person to admit it to him, don't feed his delusion of keeping her, it will just hurt him.
    I don't know if that's true. You're lucky if your feelings are always so clear-cut; mine are not. When I doubt something, a huge internal feeling-change occurs and like Amargith said, it can take a while to sort things out. I have been at the place in a relationship several times before of trying to weigh the good feelings against the bad ones, and that's a really hard decision to make. It doesn't mean I don't feel loyalty or affection or even love for the other person. I wish real-world relationships could be as simple as just love, but they're so much more complicated than that.

    Some people might not want to deal with their partner facing this kind of insecurity, and I understand that, but I don't know why you're trying to paint it so black and white when clearly she's still struggling to understand her own feelings in the matter.

    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    The problem is that when we stumble onto something that does not feel right, we *know* there is a reason, but it can take ages and a lot of research to figure out what that is. And there is no guarantee as to the results. Nor what the collateral damage will be. And...it isnt something we can ignore, usually. Often, it requires an entire perspective shift to fix it, and that can be daunting, scary and a long ass project.

    Honestly, Id do what she is doing atm, if the guy was ok with it. I know it seems cruel, but she is recalibrating her feelings/values and if she is smart, her expectations based on what she is observing now. Hopefully she ll discover that feelings are in the moment and fleeting and what she values endures. The only way to do that is to remove yourself from the feeling influences of others, especially those that care deeply for you, and take readings, then move closer again and take more readings of how you 'feel', and draw conclusions based on that. She is trying to find out what is consistent about her, what is influenced by you and whether that is what she needs.
    Yes exactly. It's like Fi calibration, I figure.

  8. #18
    Rainy Day Woman MDP2525's Avatar
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    Based on what I see with my ENFP friend, this calibration never ends well for the other party.
    ~luck favors the ready~


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  9. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    I don't know why people are being so harsh on this ENFP
    'Cause she is a filthy whore.

    I can guess why she's being sucked back in by him - over-empathizing. She's allowing his feelings to trump hers because in the moment she is strongly identifying with his feelings & views.
    Bullshit. She doesn't want to be the one who gets dumped.

    He's not the ones who needs to end it; he's the one who needs to accept it's over.
    200 bucks says she'll pursue him once he walks.
    You people disgust me.

  10. #20
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Have you ever heard of the "The Five Love Languages"?

    Maybe 'words of affirmation' is what she needs to feel loved.

    Just tell her she's great and that you support what she's doing career wise and have no problem with it.
    Tell her many times. It could be as simple as some reassuring words uttered.

    I'm amazed at how many people get ANGRY when their partner asks for words of affirmation. Like they've been asked to murder someone. I think it's very telling.

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