• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[Other] "My Dream is to be a Wife"

FDG

pathwise dependent
Joined
Aug 13, 2007
Messages
5,903
MBTI Type
ENTJ
Enneagram
7w8
As long as that's not her only dream, it's fine.

If it's her only dream, I do may feel disturbed by the fact that she's putting all her eggs in one basket.
 
S

Society

Guest
Do I fully get their dream? No. I personally see it as a bit naive, but I see a lot of "dreams" that way now, especially when they involve roles to reach personal fulfillment (including most careers).

the problem is that it poses a question to the supposed lover considering marrying her: "if she says yes would it be because she wants to be with me forever or because she wants to be a wife?", it makes the whole sentiment seem disingenuous. this dramatically decreases her chances of getting a boyfriend to commit to be her husband, and yet the entire aspiration depends on a man choosing to do just that.
 

Galena

Silver and Lead
Joined
Mar 12, 2013
Messages
3,786
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I can't feel disturbed before I know what she has in mind, but I'll stay hopeful until I know better. I'd like to ask her to expound on her dream. How some posters got out of such a brief statement that she is overly concerned about a role, etc, I don't know.

If she is, though, approaching life right now with readiness to marry at the forefront, I think she is getting ahead of herself. Whether and when you find a mate for life isn't predictable in that way.
 

Beorn

Permabanned
Joined
Dec 10, 2008
Messages
5,005
The unpaid part is the key. Its almost like if a woman says "I want to be a doctor" its implied to mean "I want to be a doctor... And a wife too if that works out". So when someone says, "I want to be a wife (As a career)" it's sort of like saying "I want to be rich". A one income household with a stay at home wife/mom tends to be something that requires $$$$. Anyone that says "I want to be rich" tends to get a reaction.

When the hell did society get the silly idea that a family has to be rich in order for a wife to stay home with the kids?

I know several lower middle-class families with a wife and mother who stays home. It's just a matter of what you value.
 

Galena

Silver and Lead
Joined
Mar 12, 2013
Messages
3,786
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Being a wife furthermore does not exclude working for money at the same time, or even having kids. The speaker certainly didn't specify that she wanted "wife" to be her career. All we know is that this is one thing she dreams of being.
 

Beorn

Permabanned
Joined
Dec 10, 2008
Messages
5,005
My dream is to be a self-indulgent prick who works merely for the sake of the pleasurable things it enables him to afford and only wants a relationship with someone who can meet all my desires and only for the duration that she fulfills those desires.
 

Venom

Babylon Candle
Joined
Feb 10, 2008
Messages
2,126
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
1w9
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
When the hell did society get the silly idea that a family has to be rich in order for a wife to stay home with the kids?

I know several lower middle-class families with a wife and mother who stays home. It's just a matter of what you value.

... I'm just posing one possible reason people react negative to the OP, I'm not saying people have to be rich to be SAHMs...
 

highlander

Administrator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 23, 2009
Messages
26,562
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
6w5
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
I don't relate to it either, but it's not sad to me. It's actually surprising someone would openly say it though.

I don't even think it's a social expectation for women anymore (as evidenced by most people's reactions to it). People who want families instead of careers or fame or achievement are often seen as sad now, as if they're wasting themselves. I think that's kind of sad too. It's like anything in the intimate realm is not regarded as satisfying or fulfilling; it must be public achievement as measured by others instead of your own internal experience.

But most people don't think it's sad if you were to say, "I'd like to be a doctor so I can help people in pain" or something like that. But why is it pathetic to nurture, help, care for, etc, in the wife role? Because it's unpaid, without prestige?

Or it's generally not seen as sad to say, "It's my dream to find a lasting, deep love with someone." But having a dream where you're in a loving, committed relationship as a "wife" is sad?

I imagine someone who says this has possibly examined their needs & aptitudes & decided "wife" is a good fit for them. I think nowadays, it may even take some courage to say that, because ideals have shifted so much in a different direction.

Yes to all this.

What would the perspective have been 100, 500, 1000, or 5000 years ago on this question. Don't get me wrong as I'm far from traditional. It's curious that's all. What will the perspective be 100 or 200 years from now I wonder.
 

Beorn

Permabanned
Joined
Dec 10, 2008
Messages
5,005
... I'm just posing one possible reason people react negative to the OP, I'm not saying people have to be rich to be SAHMs...

I know that. My complaint wasn't about you, but about societal presumptions.
 

violet_crown

Active member
Joined
Jun 18, 2009
Messages
4,959
MBTI Type
ENTJ
Enneagram
853
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
I have a sister and a number of friends of that mentality. It's their life choice, and not really mine to denigrate simply because they opt to become wives and mothers. Personally, I have mixed feelings about marriage. It'd be nice, but seems to come at such a heavy cost to a woman. It's not something I'd approach lightly.
 

Zarathustra

Let Go Of Your Team
Joined
Oct 31, 2009
Messages
8,110
It'd be nice, but seems to come at such a heavy cost to a woman.

Heavier than to a man?

I don't relate to it either, but it's not sad to me. It's actually surprising someone would openly say it though.

I don't even think it's a social expectation for women anymore (as evidenced by most people's reactions to it). People who want families instead of careers or fame or achievement are often seen as sad now, as if they're wasting themselves. I think that's kind of sad too. It's like anything in the intimate realm is not regarded as satisfying or fulfilling; it must be public achievement as measured by others instead of your own internal experience.

But most people don't think it's sad if you were to say, "I'd like to be a doctor so I can help people in pain" or something like that. But why is it pathetic to nurture, help, care for, etc, in the wife role? Because it's unpaid, without prestige?

Or it's generally not seen as sad to say, "It's my dream to find a lasting, deep love with someone." But having a dream where you're in a loving, committed relationship as a "wife" is sad?

I imagine someone who says this has possibly examined their needs & aptitudes & decided "wife" is a good fit for them. I think nowadays, it may even take some courage to say that, because ideals have shifted so much in a different direction.

That ideals have shifted? I think they have, even if there are some still promoting old fashioned ways, and people will be judged as old fashioned in a pathetic way by everyone else. Anytime you oppose the majority philosophy & leave yourself open to their criticism, whether by trailblazing or sticking to what they call outdated, there's some courage involved. That doesn't always make it noble courage.

Personally, I'm not saying all old ideals were better either (because they aren't my ideals). I just see a real false dichotomy created between the modern & old ideals, as if it's one or the other & they always oppose each other. It also makes it seem as if a certain path means one thing & one thing only. The assumption that someone would come from a conservative church to have such a "dream" is exactly what I mean... Because I don't think someone saying their dream to be a wife means "1950s housewife" or giving up their own identity & needs/wants. Perhaps someone saying this has a different idea of "wife" (which is kind of what I was getting at in my comparison to being a doctor or finding love, etc).

To me, what takes courage is saying, "I know what suits me, regardless of these popular, external ideals of the moment". So that's why I wouldn't think it's sad. Do I fully get their dream? No. I personally see it as a bit naive, but I see a lot of "dreams" that way now, especially when they involve roles to reach personal fulfillment (including most careers).

I really like these posts.

I also have to say: I'm sorry, what you've described here makes women look really bad.

It makes them look swept along and dominated by whatever is currently the cultural paradigm.

Ironically, their desire for autonomy seems, on the whole, to be largely non-autonomous.
 

Magic Poriferan

^He pronks, too!
Joined
Nov 4, 2007
Messages
14,081
MBTI Type
Yin
Enneagram
One
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Reading the entirety of this thread, I think to myself, boy are people presumptuous.
 

Andy

Supreme High Commander
Joined
Nov 16, 2009
Messages
1,211
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
5w6
"My Dream is to be a Wife" ... does this quote disturb anyone else?

Depends who's saying it.

A 16 year old girl? Surprising more than disturbing.
A 35 year old woman who's already done the independance thing to death and had grown sick of it? Then it's depressing than anything else.
 

Zarathustra

Let Go Of Your Team
Joined
Oct 31, 2009
Messages
8,110
Depends who's saying it.

A 16 year old girl? Surprising more than disturbing.
A 35 year old woman who's already done the independance thing to death and had grown sick of it? Then it's depressing than anything else.

So 25.5 is the sweet spot?

Sounds about right...

:D
 

violet_crown

Active member
Joined
Jun 18, 2009
Messages
4,959
MBTI Type
ENTJ
Enneagram
853
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Heavier than to a man?

Not in all aspects of her life, but certainly career-wise. In that regard, I do think women typically make more compromises and ultimately give up more.

However, to be fair, I can see how a man who spends all his time working to support his family and never gets to see them could end up feeling equally jilted, and without having had the explicit option to choose posed to him that a women does.

Perhaps what would have been more accurate to say was that work culture isn't conducive to the reality of dual-income households, and everyone is penalized as a result. What do you think?
 

Zarathustra

Let Go Of Your Team
Joined
Oct 31, 2009
Messages
8,110
Not in all aspects of her life, but certainly career-wise. In that regard, I do think women typically make more compromises and ultimately give up more.

However, to be fair, I can see how a man who spends all his time working to support his family and never gets to see them could end up feeling equally jilted, and without having had the explicit option to choose posed to him that a women does.

Perhaps what would have been more accurate to say was that work culture isn't conducive to the reality of dual-income households, and everyone is penalized as a result. What do you think?

I think it can come at a heavy cost to either of them.

It all just depends on what they're looking for, and what they're willing to do to get it.

I think work certainly makes things more difficult, but that two strong-willed individuals aligned in vision can make anything happen.
 

Nicki

Retired
Joined
Jun 26, 2010
Messages
1,505
No, it's your life, nobody should insult you for doing what you want to do.
 

Giggly

No moss growing on me
Joined
Jun 12, 2008
Messages
9,661
MBTI Type
iSFj
Enneagram
2
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
No.
I don't get why it's disturbing to some either.
 
S

Society

Guest
Not in all aspects of her life, but certainly career-wise. In that regard, I do think women typically make more compromises and ultimately give up more.

are we assuming a Stepford Wife?

because on a more modern tone, from what i gather, the main cost for women's career isn't the marriage so much as maternity leave and extended time off thereafter, but given life-long jobs are becoming increasingly rare for everyone anyway, and more people have to change jobs and cross disciplines at an increasing frequency, the setback is being diminished to holes in the resume.
 
Top