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[Other] "My Dream is to be a Wife"

SD45T-2

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No.
I don't get why it's disturbing to some either.
I might find it disturbing if a woman said her goal was to be a giraffe. Unless it was [MENTION=13402]Saturned[/MENTION] of course. :D
 

violet_crown

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are we assuming a Stepford Wife?

because on a more modern tone, from what i gather, the main cost for women's career isn't the marriage so much as maternity leave and extended time off thereafter, but given life-long jobs are becoming increasingly rare for everyone anyway, and more people have to change jobs and cross disciplines at an increasing frequency, the setback is being diminished to holes in the resume.

A girlfriend of mine who had been accepted to Yale Law gave up her spot to follow her long-term boyfriend to the west coast where he will train to be a Marine. Girls I went to high school who graduated at the top of their class and went to top-flight schools chose bullshit majors around the idea that they were there first and foremost to get their "MRS". Marriage and its pursuit causes women to make personal compromises to the detriment of their careers way before kids are in the picture.

Honestly, though, I'm not really getting my back up about this, and don't feel like going into the deeper issues here. I was pretty satisfied with Zara's point that both partners can find something that works for them as long as there's agreement on what's important and the will to see it through.
 
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Society

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A girlfriend of mine who had been accepted to Yale Law gave up her spot to follow her long-term boyfriend to the west coast where he will train to be a Marine. Girls I went to high school who graduated at the top of their class and went to top-flight schools chose bullshit majors around the idea that they were there first and foremost to get their "MRS". Marriage and its pursuit causes women to make personal compromises to the detriment of their careers way before kids are in the picture.

this seems to be more a matter of personal priorities then anything intrinsic to gender roles or marriage.
 

violet_crown

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this seems to be more a matter of personal priorities then anything intrinsic to gender roles or marriage.

Priorities aren't formulated in a vacuum.
 

Venom

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Not in all aspects of her life, but certainly career-wise. In that regard, I do think women typically make more compromises and ultimately give up more.

However, to be fair, I can see how a man who spends all his time working to support his family and never gets to see them could end up feeling equally jilted, and without having had the explicit option to choose posed to him that a women does.

Perhaps what would have been more accurate to say was that work culture isn't conducive to the reality of dual-income households, and everyone is penalized as a result. What do you think?

In the area I live it's about whats "acceptable". Men arent encouraged to pursue a lot of otherwise rewarding great careers because "those aren't careers that support a wife (and family)". ... But for women, it's as if nothing is ever discouraged career wise because of silent assumption some man is going to end up taking care of them anyways.

It's just the stepford area I grew up in. I've managed to escape, but I know the playbook pretty well.
 

highlander

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A girlfriend of mine who had been accepted to Yale Law gave up her spot to follow her long-term boyfriend to the west coast where he will train to be a Marine. Girls I went to high school who graduated at the top of their class and went to top-flight schools chose bullshit majors around the idea that they were there first and foremost to get their "MRS". Marriage and its pursuit causes women to make personal compromises to the detriment of their careers way before kids are in the picture.

After graduating at the top of my class in high school, I went to a mediocre college because it had a much higher percentage of women than men in comparison to other schools. I would say I regret that compromise but I don't. What is the bigger compromise - giving up a promising career or giving up an opportunity to raise children? When people are on their deathbed, they don't have regrets and wish that they spent more time in the office. Life is all about compromises.
 
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WALMART

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Have dreams of lasting interpersonal development become so malign in the social eye? :(
 
S

Society

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Have dreams of lasting interpersonal development become so malign in the social eye? :(

no dude, this is about wives! there's nothing wrong with your life long aspiration to be my husband, nobody can blame you, you're only human.
 

violet_crown

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After graduating at the top of my class in high school, I went to a mediocre college because it had a much higher percentage of women than men in comparison to other schools. I would say I regret that compromise but I don't. What is the bigger compromise - giving up a promising career or giving up an opportunity to raise children? When people are on their deathbed, they don't have regrets and wish that they spent more time in the office. Life is all about compromises.

My point to Mane was that women start making those choices well before kids are even in the picture. I frankly don't care enough to make judgements about whether other peoples' choices are wrong are right. This whole line of conversation got started because I was expressing that I had mixed feelings about what was right for me, and I honestly can't say that--lying on my death bed--I'd have been alright with just staying home and raising the kids.
 

King sns

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It doesn't bother me, I think some people are put in the world with straight forward paths and dreams, and that is awesome. It may be disturbing to me if the person based their entire self worth on being a wife, though.
 

Venom

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After graduating at the top of my class in high school, I went to a mediocre college because it had a much higher percentage of women than men in comparison to other schools. I would say I regret that compromise but I don't. What is the bigger compromise - giving up a promising career or giving up an opportunity to raise children? When people are on their deathbed, they don't have regrets and wish that they spent more time in the office. Life is all about compromises.

I made a similar choice on colleges.... Not that it lead to any lasting relationships or SOs that went beyond college, but at the end of the day I'm glad I compromised. The school I went to was rated much higher in attractiveness than the more academic places I could have gone lol.
 

OrangeAppled

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the problem is that it poses a question to the supposed lover considering marrying her: "if she says yes would it be because she wants to be with me forever or because she wants to be a wife?", it makes the whole sentiment seem disingenuous. this dramatically decreases her chances of getting a boyfriend to commit to be her husband, and yet the entire aspiration depends on a man choosing to do just that.

I think it depends on what someone means by "my dream is to be a wife". You could say that with any dream. People choose a role thinking it will fulfill certain desires & needs. I'd ask someone who says that "why wife?". What do they expect to do and receive in that role? If it's 'cause their primary aspiration is a genuinely loving, formally committed relationship, then they won't want just anyone.

If someone wants to be a "writer", what does that usually mean? Do they want to compose warning labels for jars? Probably not.

Growing up I thought of lots of stuff I wanted to be (all kinds of NFy impractical stuff) - but they were just roles I associated with being able to use my strengths & fulfill my needs. In reality, they don't necessarily mean that though. Sometimes people can't see past a role, because they don't know how to identify it outside of some already predefined external role or its unacceptable to put it in more direct terms. Or maybe the role really works out for them.

I think people assume the latter a lot with the "wife dream". They think she wants money & status. But what's odd to me is that's what most people want in a career. I think with the wife thing, maybe people think it's "easy money & status", just hanging onto someone else & taking their success, and that's partly why they scorn it. The problem with this is a diminishing of value of the private things I mentioned before and assuming WHY someone chooses a certain role as their dream.

I think I'm making a defense here because my ISFJ mom has pretty much said that she only ever wanted to be a wife & mother & that when she gets to really do that fully, then she is most happy. I used to think this was sad because I saw it as mundane, but that was really projecting my own needs as something universal & denying someone else the validity of their own. There's nothing less significant about her dream than my dreams.

I really like these posts.

I also have to say: I'm sorry, what you've described here makes women look really bad.

It makes them look swept along and dominated by whatever is currently the cultural paradigm.

Ironically, their desire for autonomy seems, on the whole, to be largely non-autonomous.

But men in general are swept up in it also. I think windup rex made that point. To me, it's a human issue, and it's not always bad to be influenced by such things or to adapt to them & work within them. Sometimes there's a good point to some of it.
 

2XtremeENFP

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Being a wife furthermore does not exclude working for money at the same time, or even having kids. The speaker certainly didn't specify that she wanted "wife" to be her career. All we know is that this is one thing she dreams of being.


Yes. Wife as career. No career goals. No further education. Just to be a wife.
 

2XtremeENFP

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Have dreams of lasting interpersonal development become so malign in the social eye? :(

I suppose what bothers me so much is that you are basically finding someone to fill the role of husband so that you can be a wife. The idea that a woman could settle for someone (maybe because of lack of possibilities, or wanting to rush into marriage) and really depend on that person to bring them happiness. I think relying on a person to make you happy can be dangerous since we are all fallen, fickle people.
 
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WALMART

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I suppose what bothers me so much is that you are basically finding someone to fill the role of husband so that you can be a wife. The idea that a woman could settle for someone (maybe because of lack of possibilities, or wanting to rush into marriage) and really depend on that person to bring them happiness. I think relying on a person to make you happy can be dangerous since we are all fallen, fickle people.




She dreams in color, she dreams in red
Can't find a better man
Ooohhh oh ohhh....


Yeah. It sucks, I suppose.
 
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