So I've noticed I have a big problem with openning up to people and with making the first steps in social interaction.
When I am in a new colective, I sit quiet and wait for someone to start the conversation with me. If anyone won't do that, I am capeable of just sitting with grumpy face and cursing the world how unfair it is, that noone noticed me, even though I didn't do anything for make myself more noticable. I just won't stand up and try to make some contact...I just can't do that. I don't speak with anyone, who won't speak with me first. Than...When someone comes to me, and starts the conversation I feel like I start to build this wall around me, despertly stay in my intime and private zone, and I get this pose like..."I don't care about you, because I know you don't care about me". The thing is just...I am extremly afraid of rejection. I feel like everyone judge me and my actions all the time and I am afraid if I open up more, they will also start to judge me more. I keep a distance from everyone...I think to someone it might seem like I am arrogant and selfish. I want to change this! I want to be more open to people. I want to stop building the wall between me and them, but I don't know how. I really feel like I need to get closer to people around me, I just don't know how to beat this 4ish feeling of castaway.