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[MBTI General] How socially skilled you really are?

EndlessNameless

New member
Joined
Jan 12, 2013
Messages
68
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sp
NFs in general are described as people oriented, likeable, and socially skilled. I think it's half true.
I am an ENFP and I like company of others, I am sociable, but I literaly wouldn't call myself socially skilled. I still think this is a gift of Se people. Mostly ESFPs and ESTPs. Because of their Se, they can easily adabt to community and are well aware of current situation and "what's going" in the moment. I've noticed that intuitive people react on things like that a little bit slower. It's better for Fe people, becauce they can use their empathy and instict to feel what's going on in social situations, but it is also more complicated for Fi, to stay aware of sociaty rules and acceptations. So here is a question for you. How socially skilled do you consider yourself? Don't you think, that intuitives have it harder in social groups, than sensors?
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
Staff member
Joined
May 31, 2009
Messages
14,497
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INFJ
Yeah, while I can get by just fine, I find that the more people that are added to the mix, the harder it is to interact with everyone, because I have to process not only my interaction, but how that interaction affects all of the different people there, as well as how they are interacting with each other.

At the best of times, I have slow processing that makes my interaction style with any given person the result of our last exchange rather than the current one. I do alright one on one or in a small group of people I know well, but in larger groups, I am not able to be smooth and easy with everyone.

I tend to want to know what to expect from an exchange first, which sometimes can make for other people feeling like I am shy, intimidating or quietly judging them, which is not at all the case. I need observation time before I feel comfortable getting my own feet wet and that doesn't make for the kind of person that puts everyone at ease.

I think I'm hospitable and pretty good at putting people at ease, but my lack of Se can make me rather oblivious to glaringly obvious details sometimes, which is sometimes embarrassing. I do best if I am co-hosting with someone who notices a lot more of the practical/physical details and I can deal with emotional tone and making them feel valued as guests.
 

kyuuei

Emperor/Dictator
Joined
Aug 28, 2008
Messages
13,964
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enfp
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8
I am the last to get social gossip and information.. which is really the only piece of evidence I need to know that while I am getting information and I am in a group, I am no where near the social butterfly of our group. Talking to total strangers in a friendly way can still make me quite nervous.
 

Abbey

New member
Joined
Nov 12, 2012
Messages
166
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w3
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sx/sp
Many of my ESFP friends are socially unskilled because they are extremely hyper-focused in the moment. Most of the thoughts they express are along the lines of 'I'm hungry' or 'My foot hurts'. They tend to not filter out the small details of life that (this may sound harsh) no one but them cares about.
ESTP's seem semi-socially skilled; I would say they are entertaining and people are drawn to them, but sometimes aren't aware of certain boundaries. That can also continue to entertain and draw people to them though haha
NF's can gauge a situation and generate a better reaction than sensors. They may not react at all or as quickly because NFs all seem a bit shy, save ENFJs.

It is also more complicated for Fi, to stay aware of sociaty rules and acceptations.

Personally, this applies to me as I don't always comply to a group's values if it doesn't match my own.
 

EndlessNameless

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Messages
68
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ENFP
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4w5
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sp
I am the last to get social gossip and information..
I am not really into gossipis. I found them stupid, fake, and a "small town" thing. I believe everyone has the right for his own privacy and caring too much about someone else's business, just proof how poor social life that slanderer has. So I've always stayed as far as I could from this part of social interaction.
And about the infromation...I am almost always the last one reacting. Everyone esle just know what to do and I am still like "Wha? What is going on right now?" :D
 

kyuuei

Emperor/Dictator
Joined
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8
I am not really into gossipis. I found them stupid, fake, and a "small town" thing. I believe everyone has the right for his own privacy and caring too much about someone else's business, just proof how poor social life that slanderer has. So I've always stayed as far as I could from this part of social interaction.
And about the infromation...I am almost always the last one reacting. Everyone esle just know what to do and I am still like "Wha? What is going on right now?" :D

Regardless of how you feel towards gossip, it says something about your position socially how involved you are into it. If people don't really come to you with information, they generally don't feel comfortable giving it to you for whatever reason (they don't feel you'll care, they think you'll over react, you aren't someone they confide those sort of things in, etc.). I've never fostered a mentality where anyone outside of my close friends feel comfortable coming to me with things they've heard. I don't know why, but it's always been that way. For example, at my work it is my responsibility to weed out gossip and squash it--it is hard to do that if I don't even know what's being said by who. There's several reason for hearing gossip.. just not many for spreading it.
 

Such Irony

Honor Thy Inferior
Joined
Jul 23, 2010
Messages
5,059
MBTI Type
INtp
Enneagram
5w6
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
I'm better than I used to be but still have quite a ways to go to consider myself good. I don't easily pick up things like subtle body language signs, which I think is more in the realm of Se. Also being inferior Fe, it took me awhile to grasp the conventionally accepted social protocol. I was thought to have had Aspergers when younger.

With time and experience, I got better and make far less social gaffes. In some ways I'm socially skilled now, in other ways less so.

To sum it up, my social strengths include:
Listening to what others have to say and not interrupting
Being considerate of others' points of view
To some extent, Fe has taught me to put on a good 'front'. Act interested and caring even though I really don't.

My social weaknesses include:
Don't always grasp subtle body language cues
Not so good at small talk or quickly coming up with something to say on my feet.
Mind tends to wander when people talk about subjects not of interest to me.
 

OrangeAppled

Sugar Hiccup
Joined
Mar 20, 2009
Messages
7,626
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INFP
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4w5
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sp/sx
I have poor group skills. I don't know how to be a part of conversations in this style. I tend to zero in on individuals (which looks creepy or clingy, or so I fear) or just fade into the walls. The latter is too often read as snobbery and not shyness. I also often feel isolated and alienated in groups; it will seem like others find common ground with each other much more easily. I can't bring myself to adopt an attitude I don't feel.

And while few enjoy small talk, they may still be good at it. I'm not, and that's a problem. I'm better at mimicking the expected stuff to say than I used to be, but then I just seem kind of like a dull drone. I also can read people's inner states okay, but I don't pick up on how they want to interact (which are two different things).

I also have some mild social anxiety, am generally reserved, and other times just can't be bothered. I push myself more, but it feels awkward a lot of the time. Still, I take a personal interest in people (which I didn't used to do), see many viewpoints easily, and I'm a good listener.

I do pretty well in close relationships. I make friends much more easily now than when I was younger, but I've never had a problem developing and maintaining a close relationship once it's established. I'm not someone who usually has drama in my life or a revolving door of relationships. I consider this a skill because it's not just about initial connections, charm, and impressiveness. I'm valued over time with people, be it friends or employers, but I must make poor first impressions, because getting in the door is not easy. It's not unusual for close friends to tell me they had a different view of me when we first met than after they got to know me.
 
R

Riva

Guest
[MENTION=6561]OrangeAppled[/MENTION]

Don't others try to connect with you? In male groups people can just choose to tag along without connecting (even if one fails to connect). I connect extremely easily in small groups. In larger groups, I try my best to stay in the background, because 'large' male groups are such a hierarchy is quickly built and one has to get in line. (I'm not going to elaborate here.)

However I find the need - eventhough don't have a need to emotionally bond - to strike a relationship with those who seem to be in the corner all the time. Hmm.. Maybe it's only with the people i'm curious of or like.

So the questions are; don't others try to connect with you? Is that not a culture in female relationships? (Is it either you join hands, giggle and go shopping with us or else you are not invited to gossip with us?)
 

OrangeAppled

Sugar Hiccup
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[MENTION=6164]Riva[/MENTION]

Yeah, of course people do. I try to also....I'm just not good at it. I'm better than I used to be. An INFP birdie whispered in my ear once that I had the power to make people feel significant or insignificant too. I mulled over that a bit & saw a clear connection to how my shyness was misinterpreted.

There's something about women ( :cough: Fe stereotype :cough: ) where consensus is vital to harmony. So if you don't "me too" constantly then they see you as a discordant element. The emotional aspect is usually my foot in the door, but it's done best in a small setting.
 
G

garbage

Guest
I'm much better when I see a purpose.

In those cases.. If I can 'have my say'--either in having a turn to speak, commanding an audience, or leading a group--then I'm pretty good. Everyone gets a say and we get shit done. When there's a fat lot of chaos and no control, I 'know my role' and can adhere to it but am not comfortable with it.
 

Siúil a Rúin

when the colors fade
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14,037
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ISFP
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496
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I don't function well in groups because I can't feel the rhythm of interaction. I can't participate because I'm not able to feel when to jump into the conversation. Also, there are just too many signals going on, so it is overwhelming.

I'm also not that skilled at internalizing the social rituals of the norm. I have noticed that most surface communication is based on different memes that are almost like rituals to say. When someone shows pictures of a new baby or graduation, there are certain things that are said. When people go on a date, there are certain phrases that are repeated. People repeat the same phrases every week at their churches, and repost memes on Facebook with rarely stating what they think about it. Strangers talk about the weather, sports, and movies. I can observe these, but can't seem to internalize them very well

I can doing very well one-on-one, especially when the person is neuro-atypical. Because I can construct from the ground up a sense of how they operate internally. I have a high level of focus with an individual and can internalize their world better than the norm. I can also do this better than a group of signals because it is harder to create a cohesive whole. With people I interact with, I tend to know a great deal more about their internal system of processing thought and emotion than I know about the concrete facts of their life.
 

skylights

i love
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Jul 6, 2010
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7,756
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6w7
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so/sx
I'm pretty decent. I'm very good at the one-on-one, but I'm generally shy in groups until I really get to know everyone, or I'm really familiar with the group's mission. I enjoy having others around, but I prefer close relationships, and that really shows. I think that NFs tend to do fairly well because we're typically good at reading people's holistic attitudes, and picking up on minor emotional changes. I was also lucky to have been brought up by an ESFJ mom and an INTP dad, so I'm not totally at sea when it comes to S, Fe or T. I feel fairly well-balanced in that respect - I can get along with almost anyone, though STPs are the most challenging for me! They tend to be very raw and present-oriented, while I am neither.

And yes, I do think that intuitives probably struggle more with social groups in general, as a result of being a little more detached.

However, I also think that there are different kinds of social skill and ease. Se doms certainly have a kind of social fluidity, [MENTION=17051]Abbey[/MENTION]'s point about present hyperfocus is a good one. They can tend to disregard contextual appropriateness, and create an uncomfortable situation for others. Fe doms also have definite social skill in terms of fostering certain interpersonal environments. I think my ESFJ 2w1 mom is one of the most socially-skilled people I have ever met - she's positive, genuine, practical, and she can walk into a store upset and wanting a return, and walk out with her money, a pile of coupons, and everyone loving her and feeling happy about the social exchange. She's excellent at focusing on the problem itself, allying with people who can help her instead of projecting her upset at people, and trying to find a solution that will make everyone happy. ENTPs also often have a quirky social likeability - a la Tosh.0.

As an aside, I do enjoy hearing gossip, because I like knowing what's going on in my environments, and I enjoy discussing the significance with my close friends, my boyfriend, and my family. I try to discourage "bad" gossip, in terms of talking negatively about others, but I think sharing information is a natural part of any social environment, and it's better to be part of the loop than out of it - at least if you're in the loop, you can impact the information if you don't like it. I'm also one of the apparent few who enjoy small talk - it can be a pleasant mood-booster to share a positive emotional exchange with another person, and it can be the threshold to deeper communication.

fia said:
I have noticed that most surface communication is based on different memes that are almost like rituals to say. When someone shows pictures of a new baby or graduation, there are certain things that are said. When people go on a date, there are certain phrases that are repeated. People repeat the same phrases every week at their churches, and repost memes on Facebook with rarely stating what they think about it.

A Si thing, perhaps? It's true that there are "standard" phrases - I find them useful because they're little prewrapped packages of positive sentiment that are almost universally acceptable. For example, one writes "happy birthday, I hope you're having a wonderful day!" on a friend's Facebook wall to essentially say "we're not close enough that it was important for me to see you on your celebration day, but we are friends, and I wanted to acknowledge your special day, and I hope you have been enjoying it". It's a gesture of goodwill, but it's implicit that you're not close enough that a customized response is necessary. It smooths things out for everyone... makes it easier to have positive, non-awkward exchanges with people on the further levels of social closeness.
 

freeeekyyy

Cheeseburgers
Joined
Feb 13, 2010
Messages
1,384
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INTJ
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5w4
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sx/sp
NFs in general are described as people oriented, likeable, and socially skilled. I think it's half true.
I am an ENFP and I like company of others, I am sociable, but I literaly wouldn't call myself socially skilled. I still think this is a gift of Se people. Mostly ESFPs and ESTPs. Because of their Se, they can easily adabt to community and are well aware of current situation and "what's going" in the moment. I've noticed that intuitive people react on things like that a little bit slower. It's better for Fe people, becauce they can use their empathy and instict to feel what's going on in social situations, but it is also more complicated for Fi, to stay aware of sociaty rules and acceptations. So here is a question for you. How socially skilled do you consider yourself? Don't you think, that intuitives have it harder in social groups, than sensors?

Most of the NFs I've known have been like that, too. Everybody loves you all, but it's not because you're necessarily "socially aware." Still think you're better off than NTs though.
 

Cellmold

Wake, See, Sing, Dance
Joined
Mar 23, 2012
Messages
6,266
I'm on and off socially. Many see me as socially adept and skilled at playing that game, but it's more to do with forfeiting or suppressing my natural tiredness when socialising with others as a sort of...conciliatory attempt to get along with a group of people better.

So far so Fe I suppose. But online it is easier for me to be natural as there I can just shut off when I feel like it and people aren't as bothered.

Recently offline it has become easier for me to do this as well because the group of people I interact with in my hobby don't take it personally when I don't respond to their every social whim or gesture.

Essentially it's here and there, but I do find it getting easier bit by bit, so far ive managed to bring myself out of myself and become more natural in most social arena's, which is immensely liberating I find.

No matter how off-putting or strange people find me. :happy2: This is in spite of the fact that I am not really an introvert.
 
W

WALMART

Guest
NFs in general are described as people oriented, likeable, and socially skilled. I think it's half true.
I am an ENFP and I like company of others, I am sociable, but I literaly wouldn't call myself socially skilled. I still think this is a gift of Se people. Mostly ESFPs and ESTPs. Because of their Se, they can easily adabt to community and are well aware of current situation and "what's going" in the moment. I've noticed that intuitive people react on things like that a little bit slower. It's better for Fe people, becauce they can use their empathy and instict to feel what's going on in social situations, but it is also more complicated for Fi, to stay aware of sociaty rules and acceptations. So here is a question for you. How socially skilled do you consider yourself? Don't you think, that intuitives have it harder in social groups, than sensors?


Intuitors have a natural ability to paddle information back and forth. They've got the definite edge (particularly Ne users) in social settings because of this. ISTJ's probably have it the worst, in ability of assimilation, ENFP's having it the easiest.
 

pinkgraffiti

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sx/so
not very but i don't really care. i'd rather focus on the individual, one on one, and i dont' care much about social circumstance, unless i can't escape it and then i just try to be on the side and not be noticed and at least enjoy it for what it is. ENFP here.
 

Within

Permabanned
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Jan 22, 2010
Messages
1,369
A friend of mine described me as a diamond in the rough. I think that I need approximately five more years before I've reached the level that I desire, if my evolution continues at this current speed that is.
 

Habba

New member
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Jul 22, 2008
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988
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ISTJ
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I don't really like being in a group, I think something like 5 is already getting too crowded. On the other hand, I do enjoy (board/card) gaming in a group. Maybe because it is object oriented and somewhat slow-paced.

I do think that I have skills to analyze and realize people's personalities rather quick, helping me to understand the group dynamics. I usually try to be actively inclusive of all members in the group. I've been told that I'm a good listener. I also think I have somewhat narrow mind when it comes to people with out-of-ordinary lifestyles. I usually am not interested in people's lifestories or backgrounds.

All in all, I think I have good set of tools, but lack the motivation to be a great in social skills.
I usud the be very poor before I get to know MBTI and cognitive functions (= learnt how people are drive by varying motives and fears).
 

Sy_

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Mar 10, 2013
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INFP
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sp/sx
How socially skilled do you consider yourself?

I have a hard time when it comes to social interactions. I tend to be off in a corner observing others, but never joining them.
 
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