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  1. #1
    Member EnflamedHeartofSand's Avatar
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    Default Coward with no money, and low self esteem...seeking attractive and intelligent woman.

    I'm a coward, with low self esteem, misogynistic ideas, and a bucket-load of resentment and shame. I have basically lost hope of ever keeping a girlfriend. Unfortunately, I still cannot escape the desire for one. I remember an old girl friend telling me how easy it is to approach a woman and enter into a relationship with one....trying to set me aright, to help me overcome my fear of approaching women. It never worked, I walk through the world, observing women as if they are behind a solid block of glass from which it is possible for me to look at them, but impossible to approach.

    I try to accept the fear, and try to tell myself to focus my life on other things. Impossible, all I can think about is how I will die alone, because I'll never be able to overcome this fear of intimacy and commitment.

    I guess I haven't met the right one, but even if I did, I guarantee I'd be too fearful to approach her.

  2. #2
    Member 31january's Avatar
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    Misogynistic ideas? O_o

  3. #3
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Work on the other areas of your life first and your relationship to yourself. Then your chance of having a successful relationship will go up exponentially. Have you figured out why you feel resentment, shame and misogynistic feelings? What steps have you taken to deal with those feelings?

    Build some platonic relationships with a variety of people/generations and develop skills so that you have legitimate sources of feeling useful and confident. Develop your communication skills with people outside of the context of a romantic relationship. Getting into a relationship will not assuage your feelings of loneliness. Intimacy is developed by learning to trust and to be appropriately vulnerable. If you have not done that with other people in your life, I think you will find it even more difficult to do it with a woman. At the same time, I truly don't think you are doomed to having to give up what you long for. It's just that there's no shortcut to a successful relationship and many people would like to jump right in, without having done the pre-requisite work that would allow the relationship to develop and flourish.

    Think about what you have to offer a woman right now and then build on that. You really only have the right to expect to get together with someone who has a similar amount to offer. Right now, do you really want to be with a penniless woman who dislikes herself, is lonely, not close to anyone and dislikes men? In your title line, you indicate that you want an intelligent and attractive woman. In all honesty, I think an intelligent and attractive woman would also have to have some serious hangups to want to date someone who is in your current position. She would be selling herself short.

    I don't mean that as a jab to you, as I believe that no one is doomed to a particular fate should they be determined that they want to better their lot. Take the time to be the kind of man that the kind of woman you want deserves to have. You've taken a good first step by acknowledging the problem you face. Now it's a matter of figuring out how you got there and what you can start doing differently that will allow you to have the kind of life you wish for.

  4. #4
    failure to thrive AphroditeGoneAwry's Avatar
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    It's good you can admit all those things.

    Perhaps soon you can take a baby step and overcome the fear that keeps you in chains and buried alive.
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    The more one loves God, the more it is that having nothing in the world means everything, and the less one loves God, the more it is that having everything in the world means nothing.

    Do not resist an evil person, but to him who strikes you on the one cheek, offer also the other. ~Matthew 5:39

    songofmary.wordpress.com


  5. #5
    Senior Member Ene's Avatar
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    Fidelia has given you some really good advice. I really thought about this and I can't think of anything that hits the nail on the head more than she already has.
    A student said to his master: "You teach me fighting, but you talk about peace. How do you reconcile the two?" The master replied: "It is better to be a warrior in a garden than to be a gardener in a war." - unknown/Chinese

    http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...=61024&page=14

  6. #6
    Member EnflamedHeartofSand's Avatar
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    Thank you for the sobering thoughts. It takes hard work, and there is no quick fix. I needed to release these thoughts, and am thankful to you who replied.

  7. #7
    As Long As It Takes.... Redbone's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EnflamedHeartofSand View Post
    Thank you for the sobering thoughts. It takes hard work, and there is no quick fix. I needed to release these thoughts, and am thankful to you who replied.
    The bold is what makes it so painful because one has to endure the present while doing the work. It can be easy to give up when there is no quick pay off. That's why the baby steps can help because they are small things that can be done without too much risk.

    You can do it.

  8. #8
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    I don't know if there is something about our modern culture that makes men cowards, but many are either like you, too afraid to approach women in the first place (the beautiful mysterious lady behind glass or whatever) OR they are very confident about having cheap or casual sex with with women, but terrified of having an intimate relationship with one.

    So trust me when I say though you APPEAR very different, you're no more of a coward than a 25 or 30 year old man-whore who still fucks around and can't bring himself to have a real relationship, like a 19 year old frat boy.

  9. #9
    resonance entropie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EnflamedHeartofSand View Post
    [...] Impossible, all I can think about is how I will die alone, [...]
    This's your main problem, the moment I stopped worrieing about whether I am too die alone all day long, the woman came and knocked on my door. The inner peace of mind is a thing that gets better for you with age, especially in puberty and late puberty your hormones are a big enemy to that feeling. So I can comfort you by telling you, you wont stay that restless forever.

    Main thing you can do now is keep to yourself an 'inner naive child' about romance and dont become dull or fatalistic. Dont let yourself pressure by society or by what others tell you that you ought to have by your age already. Just keep an optimistic hope for real love and when you grow older it will come to you (by that time most other people have grown dull and it wont ever come to them).
    [URL]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEBvftJUwDw&t=0s[/URL]

  10. #10
    Senior Member Survive & Stay Free's Avatar
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    I'm none of those things, I'm the opposite of some of those things, I'm also single with no prospects of a relationship. Just fun and good times, which is alright I guess.

    I'll race you to a steady relationship

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