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  1. #1
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    Default INFJ/P Confronting my depression for the first time and trying to reach out for help

    I'm in my mid-twenties and I have never known what I want to do with my life. Every day I just sit watching extremely dumb Youtube videos to numb my senses. I have certain talents and intelligence, but I see no point in working towards anything. Past passions I had are now dead and trying to start new projects is impossible, a chore. Nothing interests me. I sell music online to make money, but I actually hate music and don't even listen to it. I can't stand what I do.

    I am with my fiancee who I love dearly and I think my morose attitude towards life is hurting her too. Sometimes I can paint a smile and pretend everything is okay to make her and others happy, but when it wears off I crash even further down. It is the sense of futility I have about everything. Yeah, I believe in God, but what does God want me to do with my life? What are the answers to anything? I meditate to clear my mind, but it just comes back after a day or two.

    Laughter helps, but it merely masks symptoms of something greater. I feel like there is a dark cloud over my life. I am constantly paranoid about people trying to hurt me out of jealousy or past betrayals and I think the only way I can relax is if we change our names and move to a different country. The thing is, I know I am being delusional, but I can't help but let the stupid thoughts preoccupy my mind. I also have

    I've always been an oversexual person, but the last year the problem has become ridiculous to the point where even a 3 hour sex session with my fiancee doesn't keep me satisfied for the rest of the day. It isn't her fault, as the sex is amazing, but I just feel like an animal. I've read that this is a symptom of anxiety, so this may be the case here.

    I'm also a confident person, and I don't have any problems in talking to others or being myself. I am happy with the way I look. My depression is not related to such issues, but rather to this dark and existential outlook on life I have developed.

    Sometimes I can build myself up and feel inspired again, but like I mentioned with the laughter, it just feels like I am masking the darkness that is my soul. I've never reached out for help in my life, really, except to close friends. Sorry if this rant is all over the place, but I guess that is symbolic of how my thoughts are right now.

    Sorry this is my first post and it's a long rant, but I'm desperate for help.

  2. #2
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this! The depression combined with the hypersexuality sounds a little like an issue with dopamine? Be sure to talk to your doctor because a medication to regulate brain chemistry might be a huge help.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

  3. #3
    Kraken down on piracy Lux's Avatar
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    I can understand where you're coming from to an extent, I don't pretend to know, however. When I went through the 2 major periods of depression in my life I wallowed for too long.. not even in self pity, just in feeling captured. What I did to combat it the 2nd and hopefully final time in my life was to pay attention to my habits and behaviors. Certain things; exercise, the right food, and picking one thing (not several) to focus on has helped me, and I use these new habits I created to keep it at bay.. because now I have tools.

    I think our minds are stronger and more plastic than we like to think.. It's easier sometimes (for me) to pay attention to what is NOT going right rather than anything that is, it used to be more so.

    I would focus on your external world that is controllable, but really do it, pay attention to what is in your control. The food your put into your body, the exercise you're giving it or not giving it, how you choose to spend your day, how you choose to talk to and relate to the people in your life, etc. Pay attention to what you can control and focus on improving those first. Each step will make a difference. But it takes volition and willingness that can be so hard to come by, I know both ways.

    Good luck and I wish you happiness and health.
    "It is not length of life, but depth of life." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

    "Thought breeds thought." ~ Henry David Thoreau

  4. #4
    Junior Member Alight owl's Avatar
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    I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Like Lux, I have had similar experiences, but I'd never say that I can understand exactly what's going on for you.

    I have definitely had times in my life where I felt totally apathetic or even misanthropic toward humanity and the world. I didn't want to do anything and I numbed myself too, to keep the pain at bay. Just realizing that I had problems, that I had a problem with depression was a major step. I don't want to sound hokey, but admitting the problem and relinquishing control (like saying, I need help) has been the most important part of recovery for me.

    When I did that, I found that it was easier to seek counseling and medication, to start a routine of exercise and nutrition and socializing and quality alone time that feels healthier.

    Feeling like I wear a mask (I mean, it's my avatar!) is a constant struggle in my life. I don't want to hide my pain from myself or others, definitely don't want to feel ashamed about feeling pain on top of all the other stuff that I have going on. It's just a daily challenge.

    It sounds like your fiance is a great lady. Hopefully you have other people in your life that you can talk to about your darkness and depression. Maybe seeking help from a counsellor would help you clear out your head. Good luck to you.

  5. #5
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    It's amazing how much of your post describes how I am. I feel exactly the same way and I don't know how to help it. Sometimes I just don't feel like dealing with anything anymore. Reading your post is both encouraging and discouraging because, for one, I feel like I am not the only one going through this and that there are others that can relate but then I look at it again and it feels like maybe if this is just the "type" that I am, that there is no hope of changing and becoming better than what I am now. So what's the point, then?

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by fkdup View Post
    I'm in my mid-twenties and I have never known what I want to do with my life. Every day I just sit watching extremely dumb Youtube videos to numb my senses. I have certain talents and intelligence, but I see no point in working towards anything. Past passions I had are now dead and trying to start new projects is impossible, a chore. Nothing interests me. I sell music online to make money, but I actually hate music and don't even listen to it. I can't stand what I do.

    I am with my fiancee who I love dearly and I think my morose attitude towards life is hurting her too. Sometimes I can paint a smile and pretend everything is okay to make her and others happy, but when it wears off I crash even further down. It is the sense of futility I have about everything. Yeah, I believe in God, but what does God want me to do with my life? What are the answers to anything? I meditate to clear my mind, but it just comes back after a day or two.

    Laughter helps, but it merely masks symptoms of something greater. I feel like there is a dark cloud over my life. I am constantly paranoid about people trying to hurt me out of jealousy or past betrayals and I think the only way I can relax is if we change our names and move to a different country. The thing is, I know I am being delusional, but I can't help but let the stupid thoughts preoccupy my mind. I also have

    I've always been an oversexual person, but the last year the problem has become ridiculous to the point where even a 3 hour sex session with my fiancee doesn't keep me satisfied for the rest of the day. It isn't her fault, as the sex is amazing, but I just feel like an animal. I've read that this is a symptom of anxiety, so this may be the case here.

    I'm also a confident person, and I don't have any problems in talking to others or being myself. I am happy with the way I look. My depression is not related to such issues, but rather to this dark and existential outlook on life I have developed.

    Sometimes I can build myself up and feel inspired again, but like I mentioned with the laughter, it just feels like I am masking the darkness that is my soul. I've never reached out for help in my life, really, except to close friends. Sorry if this rant is all over the place, but I guess that is symbolic of how my thoughts are right now.

    Sorry this is my first post and it's a long rant, but I'm desperate for help.
    Do you find that you are almost intolerant to rejection and disappointment? How about your temper, do things tend to bother you more than they do others. Also do you think that the hypersexuality is more a way to distract yourself from anxiety ?

  7. #7
    Member EnflamedHeartofSand's Avatar
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    The hardest thing to hear when someone is in this state of depression, is that they should stop thinking about how they feel, and start focusing on serving or helping others. I have been in this state for at least 10 years, and I can't seem to shake my feelings of unworthiness and pointlessness. I have no ambition to do anything great in this life. I've talked myself out of so many dreams and it finally seems like I've gotten to the end of my hopes and dreams. When I try to explain this situation to someone, it is pointless. I've sought out the counsel of spiritual people, like monks, priests, successful and loving friends. They all seem to me to judge me, and become extremely upset with me because I don't seem to get over myself.

    "Some people are just destined to be loners", one monk told me, "and it's sad, I wouldn't want to be in their shoes." ....he also told me of many people who always try to find an opportunity to talk about their problems, and how unique they are. I'm not sure if this describes me exactly, but nonetheless it hurts to hear that from someone you are trying to get counsel from.

    I also fall into the same pitfall as does "Lilyrue", thinking this is some predestined state, and that I am just meant to be this way.

    How easy it can be, to just choose to do something for someone else today though. Instead of drowning in my self-pity, why don't I go volunteer at a homeless shelter, and truly see people who are in desperate need. That doesn't always sound convincing to me though, I'd rather indulge in my self pity most days.

    In my case, I think it comes down to not being able to love others. I have been so busy protecting myself from other people, that I have ended up hating most people, burning bridges, and criticizing others to such a degree that I struggle to forgive, and am hyper quick to assess and judge others.

    I definitely resonate with your state of depression, and I too have started considering seeking help for it. I hope you are able to find some clarity.

  8. #8
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EnflamedHeartofSand View Post
    The hardest thing to hear when someone is in this state of depression, is that they should stop thinking about how they feel, and start focusing on serving or helping others. I have been in this state for at least 10 years, and I can't seem to shake my feelings of unworthiness and pointlessness. I have no ambition to do anything great in this life. I've talked myself out of so many dreams and it finally seems like I've gotten to the end of my hopes and dreams. When I try to explain this situation to someone, it is pointless. I've sought out the counsel of spiritual people, like monks, priests, successful and loving friends. They all seem to me to judge me, and become extremely upset with me because I don't seem to get over myself.

    "Some people are just destined to be loners", one monk told me, "and it's sad, I wouldn't want to be in their shoes." ....he also told me of many people who always try to find an opportunity to talk about their problems, and how unique they are. I'm not sure if this describes me exactly, but nonetheless it hurts to hear that from someone you are trying to get counsel from.

    I also fall into the same pitfall as does "Lilyrue", thinking this is some predestined state, and that I am just meant to be this way.

    How easy it can be, to just choose to do something for someone else today though. Instead of drowning in my self-pity, why don't I go volunteer at a homeless shelter, and truly see people who are in desperate need. That doesn't always sound convincing to me though, I'd rather indulge in my self pity most days.

    In my case, I think it comes down to not being able to love others. I have been so busy protecting myself from other people, that I have ended up hating most people, burning bridges, and criticizing others to such a degree that I struggle to forgive, and am hyper quick to assess and judge others.

    I definitely resonate with your state of depression, and I too have started considering seeking help for it. I hope you are able to find some clarity.
    I feel you on this, but oddly...that is the cure, from what I discovered. I'm not able to have it motivate me all the time yet, but it is like a muscle. Everyone has something that they find comes natural to them, and there are plenty of ways to turn that into something that would help others. If you truly do not have a clue, take an MBTI test and see what your type is, then find out what they are generally good at. It's a good start, and a great ego-boost. Chances are you already knew but you brushed it aside as 'anyone can do this', which couldn't be further from the truth.

    The thing is that when you shift your mental state from 'why am I so flawed?' to 'how can I make this persons life better?', you can start applying those talents. You see, the first question can only lead to self-flagellation whereas the second can lead you to drive and motivation as well as a sense of purpose. It can give meaning to your life. Humans are pack animals, and helping the pack, and its members is something nature rewards us for (chemically ), something that can shape our lives and pull you out of depression. Don't expect to change the world, don't come down on yourself for stumbling while attempting this, let yourself find the right rhythm and right way to actually help others...but do keep trying to help them. Start with people you personally care for and love and start with little things. People will still appreciate it, you'll gain more confidence in your abilities and most of all, it will shift your perspective, and grant you new joy in life, promise



    As for not trusting others and judging them...keep in mind most are just as lost as you are, though they might cope with it differently. Im not saying you should trust them and invite them in with open arms, you have a right to protect yourself...but realise you have more in common than you want to admit. Tap into that basic empathy that you would have for a wounded wild animal who does not know any better than to harm you in order to protect yourself, take the necessary precautions not to get yourself clawed up by it and apply it to your fellow man. They're just trying to do the best they can with the tools they were given - as are you


    Here is someone who knows what they are talking about: http://zenhabits.net/help/
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  9. #9
    Member EnflamedHeartofSand's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    I feel you on this, but oddly...that is the cure, from what I discovered. I'm not able to have it motivate me all the time yet, but it is like a muscle.
    That's a nice way of putting it, and I agree with you. Even though it is really hard to hear it, I too have experienced that it can work. The hard part is sticking to it. It's very easy to get knocked off track, and that is why I like your 'muscle' analogy.

    It's so easy to fall back into a depressed state of being, when you don't guard your thoughts and actions. You can go from being carefree, and light-hearted to overwhelmed and overburdened in a matter of days, if you indulge your thoughts too much.

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