I'm in my mid-twenties and I have never known what I want to do with my life. Every day I just sit watching extremely dumb Youtube videos to numb my senses. I have certain talents and intelligence, but I see no point in working towards anything. Past passions I had are now dead and trying to start new projects is impossible, a chore. Nothing interests me. I sell music online to make money, but I actually hate music and don't even listen to it. I can't stand what I do.
I am with my fiancee who I love dearly and I think my morose attitude towards life is hurting her too. Sometimes I can paint a smile and pretend everything is okay to make her and others happy, but when it wears off I crash even further down. It is the sense of futility I have about everything. Yeah, I believe in God, but what does God want me to do with my life? What are the answers to anything? I meditate to clear my mind, but it just comes back after a day or two.
Laughter helps, but it merely masks symptoms of something greater. I feel like there is a dark cloud over my life. I am constantly paranoid about people trying to hurt me out of jealousy or past betrayals and I think the only way I can relax is if we change our names and move to a different country. The thing is, I know I am being delusional, but I can't help but let the stupid thoughts preoccupy my mind. I also have
I've always been an oversexual person, but the last year the problem has become ridiculous to the point where even a 3 hour sex session with my fiancee doesn't keep me satisfied for the rest of the day. It isn't her fault, as the sex is amazing, but I just feel like an animal. I've read that this is a symptom of anxiety, so this may be the case here.
I'm also a confident person, and I don't have any problems in talking to others or being myself. I am happy with the way I look. My depression is not related to such issues, but rather to this dark and existential outlook on life I have developed.
Sometimes I can build myself up and feel inspired again, but like I mentioned with the laughter, it just feels like I am masking the darkness that is my soul. I've never reached out for help in my life, really, except to close friends. Sorry if this rant is all over the place, but I guess that is symbolic of how my thoughts are right now.
Sorry this is my first post and it's a long rant, but I'm desperate for help.