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  1. #1
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    Default ENFJs can you help me out?

    I've been in a 2 year relationship with an ENFJ. Things have been rocky but I've been very persistent in doing what I can to keep my ENFJ happy.

    He's been very stressed with work. Way more stressed than usual. He only comes home to complain about work most of the time these days. He gets angry and says it's not me. Then has tantrums and apologizes for me having to see him a certain way.

    I had some problems with anxiety which created our initial problems in our relationship with intimacy, but that has since been resolved.

    Now he is telling me that I deserve better than him, after a fight last night...and now he won't talk to me. It's valentine's day and although this holiday is bullshit it's hard to see everyone so happy and getting flowers and love from their S.O. while mine is clearly punishing me.

    I don't know what to do. This is like the 4th time he's acted like he's going to end things. It never ends up being that way...but I just don't know what I can do. I'm having such a hard time with this. I know this doesn't show all of the context...but I'm desperate.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Ene's Avatar
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    I know I'm not an ENFJ, but my sister is and since we spent our entire childhood together and are still very close maybe I could answer since it looks like no "real" ENFJs are jumping on the bandwagon.

    Depending on the nature of the work problems, he very well could be telling you the truth. If someone is belittling him or making him feel inferiror or not aknowledging that he is doing a good job, then he probably just needs a sympathetic ear. He probably doesn't want any advice, lectures, interrogations or any type of pressure, either. Most likely, if he's like my sister, he just wants somebody to listen and agree with him or at least allow him to talk through it so he can make sense of it himself, on his own terms. Resist the temptation to remind him of what is logical and what you would do. It sounds like he has some stuff to work through and more than anything, he may just need a sounding board. It's hard to say without knowing the whole story and it's hard to know the whole story in an online forum.
    A student said to his master: "You teach me fighting, but you talk about peace. How do you reconcile the two?" The master replied: "It is better to be a warrior in a garden than to be a gardener in a war." - unknown/Chinese

    http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...=61024&page=14

  3. #3
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    As an ENFJ when I am that stressed I want loving soothing words and to hear " I am here for you" often. Probably too often for some, but I need that support.

  4. #4
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Owlette View Post
    I've been in a 2 year relationship with an ENFJ. Things have been rocky but I've been very persistent in doing what I can to keep my ENFJ happy.

    He's been very stressed with work. Way more stressed than usual. He only comes home to complain about work most of the time these days. He gets angry and says it's not me. Then has tantrums and apologizes for me having to see him a certain way.

    I had some problems with anxiety which created our initial problems in our relationship with intimacy, but that has since been resolved.

    Now he is telling me that I deserve better than him, after a fight last night...and now he won't talk to me. It's valentine's day and although this holiday is bullshit it's hard to see everyone so happy and getting flowers and love from their S.O. while mine is clearly punishing me.

    I don't know what to do. This is like the 4th time he's acted like he's going to end things. It never ends up being that way...but I just don't know what I can do. I'm having such a hard time with this. I know this doesn't show all of the context...but I'm desperate.
    If my ENFJ pulled shit on this level, I would punch him right in the face. Seriously. No amount of stress or work or any of that bullshit gives an adult the right to act like a toddler who needs a nap every day. Since he keeps doing it, lay down the law with him clearly and back it up. Yes they need soothing words and "I'm here for you" assurances but that's not going to help here. Perhaps he is doing you a favor, let him go.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Yloh's Avatar
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    Do you know how bad his work situation is? Has he been performing below standards, coworkers fighting, on a list of potential people to lay off, getting a pay cut, terrible customers, etc. I feel that understanding the situation at work will at least help you understand the source of his stress. By understanding the source of stress, you have a better chance of helping him out.

    When he is telling you that you deserve better than him, it sounds like to me he has self esteem issues. Also with the tantrums, it sounds like he really bottles up his stress. I understand how a person must be professional at work, but not letting the stress out at all can be very destructive. If this is true, he must learn how to find a way to vent out his stress in a healthy manner. For the self esteem issue, I believe learning how to not bottle up your feelings can be a good start. When you have the courage to let others know how you truly feel, then not only do you feel better for releasing your stress, but you also have the confidence to show your true self despite what other people may feel/think.

    I don't know the details of this situation, but you must try to find a way to have him open up to you. When he does open up to you, always try to start on a positive note and end on a positive note. Being gentle helps a lot as well. Give constructive criticism when needed and try to come up with a plan to help him solve his issues.

    Note that you can not help everybody. If you tried everything in your power to help him and he still doesn't show the willingness to improve, then it might be time to leave him alone.

    It has been close to a month since your question came out Owlette. I truly hope you are able to resolve your issue with your current relationship.

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