[MBTI General] I'm just saying...

[Ene]

...we don't all slam doors. I haven't slammed a door in over ten years, not on purpose anyway. There is the one that sticks at work and sometimes I have to slam it just to get it to close, but there's no emotion involved. It's just a bad door

 

[WheresMyBunnies]

a 5w4 that dont slam doors, Solitary Walker is so wrong....

 

[INTP]

sounds like you do doorslam, but dont want to admit it

 

[greenfairy]

Is door slamming always a sudden thing? Or can it be like you have a certain amount of positive regard for someone and when they use it up (by being disrespectful) it's gone?

 

[1487610420]

 

[Lexicon]

I've only done the doorslam once, when I couldn't deal with any more stress- my physical and mental health were at stake. No matter how many different ways I tried to express that exhaustion to the friend, it would just get overanalyzed/twisted, and I'd still be pulled into some pointless, incredibly taxing conflict, when I'd already long been running on empty. I'm not a superhero, and my patience/energy are finite, and these days, spread quite thin.

It felt horribly unnatural to resort to something that drastic, & I've since tried to balance things out with that individual, & improve communication, but also maintain healthy boundaries. Some friendships require more work than others in that regard. Sometimes they require breaks. Sometimes, introverts fall off the planet a bit when they're not in the best health, & are trying to recharge. It's important to clarify that to friends, just as it's important those friends listen and try to understand, even if they don't relate. And sometimes, people just need to realize they truly cannot bridge certain gaps in perception. It doesn't have to be hateful, or cutting the person out, entirely. You can still have some basic sense of human empathy and caring for the person, but also see that- whatever the reasons- things are not healthy, & changes must be made in order for both parties to have some peace of mind in the longterm.

If those changes can't be made without the situation becoming abusive on some level, then, unfortunately, as [MENTION=16071]sprinkles[/MENTION] said, you have to protect yourself. I've experienced both, & if forced to choose between the two unpleasant possibilities- I'd rather someone physically beat me, than deal with psychological garbage constantly, & have to brace myself for it everytime I interact with a particular person. Ideally it'd be wonderful if it never came to either one of those, but ey, sometimes the things we build break down.

Using the actual door analogy- I'd say I only slammed & bolted the door when someone repeatedly kept trying to pry it open with a crowbar. My actions may not have been the most comfortable, pleasant, or tactful- which was why I'd gone back & tried to open communication with the person, very carefully. No matter how it turns out, at least there was effort made to communicate, resolve things. Even if that solution entails not keeping up ties, you've given the person some closure. If you're friends, I believe you owe them that effort, at the very least, even when that bond has disintegrated.

What I'm saying is, in short- unless the situation has become abusive, I don't believe doorslamming is necessary.

 

[Standuble]

Have you ever stabbed someone in the back with a knife as they were walking through said door and then slammed the door after them as they fall to the floor screaming? That's more how I would imagine an INFJ doorslam (with the Fe in full swing of course.)

 

[Society]

...we don't all slam doors. I haven't slammed a door in over ten years, not on purpose anyway. There is the one that sticks at work and sometimes I have to slam it just to get it to close, but there's no emotion involved. It's just a bad door

 

[Glycerine]

Which types don't doorslam? I would think that most people would doorslam if the situation called for it (unless there is an unhealthy codependency going on).

 

[Lexicon]

Which types don't doorslam? I would think that most people would doorslam if the situation called for it (unless there is an unhealthy codependency going on).

I think you answered your own question. Codependent people have few boundaries; therefore, it's difficult for those individuals to determine when a situation has become damaging. They have trouble enforcing self-care, identifying & communicating their own needs, or managing/distancing from sources of stress, either temporarily or permanently, based on the given situation. Their judgement is too clouded by the dependency to make crucial decisions like that.

I wouldn't say it has much to do with type, just that perhaps some may appear more apt to resort to it than others.

 

[1487610420]

Which types don't doorslam? I would think that most people would doorslam if the situation called for it (unless there is an unhealthy codependency going on).

(h)armless types?

 

[EJCC]

Is door slamming always a sudden thing? Or can it be like you have a certain amount of positive regard for someone and when they use it up (by being disrespectful) it's gone?

I don't know if everyone uses this definition, but I had thought that what makes doorslamming different from any other, similar outburst, is that it is perceived, by the person being doorslammed, as coming completely from out of nowhere. Response: equal parts emotional pain and "What the hell?!"

Which types don't doorslam? I would think that most people would doorslam if the situation called for it (unless there is an unhealthy codependency going on or there is a really complicated situation).

The types who doorslam the worst are the ones who let their resentment build up for a very long time, for the sake of maintaining harmony, and then, when the inevitable straw breaks their back, air all of their grievances at once, and don't give the other person a chance to try to make peace, or even resolve whatever problems pissed off the doorslammer in the first place. FJs are WAY more likely to do that, than any other type, because they're usually so conflict-avoidant that they won't want to bring up those problem topics unless they're angry enough to think that doorslamming is the best solution. Other types -- especially Thinkers, I would argue -- would not be afraid to list their concerns early on, because they're generally not as afraid of conflict, and therefore they wouldn't get the chance to build up enough resentment to lead to a doorslam, NEARLY as often as an FJ would.

(Side note: I get no satisfaction from doorslamming because I dislike burning bridges; I'd rather let the bridge fall into disrepair, and then fix it up later if I feel like it's worthwhile.)

 

[1487610420]

I don't know if everyone uses this definition, but I had thought that what makes doorslamming different from any other, similar outburst, is that it is perceived, by the person being doorslammed, as coming completely from out of nowhere. Response: equal parts emotional pain and "What the hell?!"

The types who doorslam the worst are the ones who let their resentment build up for a very long time, for the sake of maintaining harmony, and then, when the inevitable straw breaks their back, air all of their grievances at once, and don't give the other person a chance to try to make peace, or even resolve whatever problems pissed off the doorslammer in the first place. FJs are WAY more likely to do that, than any other type, because they're usually so conflict-avoidant that they won't want to bring up those problem topics unless they're angry enough to think that doorslamming is the best solution. Other types -- especially Thinkers, I would argue -- would not be afraid to list their concerns early on, because they're generally not as afraid of conflict, and therefore they wouldn't get the chance to build up enough resentment to lead to a doorslam, NEARLY as often as an FJ would.

(Side note: I get no satisfaction from doorslamming because I dislike burning bridges; I'd rather let the bridge fall into disrepair, and then fix it up later if I feel like it's worthwhile.)

I can see @ bold being true; however, that eagerness may not always be shared equally, resulting in perceived unnecessary conflict cycles [if it happens often enough] for the other person, which can itself taint the whole dynamic/their impression of the relationship. Ultimately willingness to communicate and share each other's pov is of crucial importance, imo/e.

 

[Starry]

I've only done the doorslam once, when I couldn't deal with any more stress- my physical and mental health were at stake. No matter how many different ways I tried to express that exhaustion to the friend, it would just get overanalyzed/twisted, and I'd still be pulled into some pointless, incredibly taxing conflict, when I'd already long been running on empty. I'm not a superhero, and my patience/energy are finite, and these days, spread quite thin.

It felt horribly unnatural to resort to something that drastic, & I've since tried to balance things out with that individual, & improve communication, but also maintain healthy boundaries. Some friendships require more work than others in that regard. Sometimes they require breaks. Sometimes, introverts fall off the planet a bit when they're not in the best health, & are trying to recharge. It's important to clarify that to friends, just as it's important those friends listen and try to understand, even if they don't relate. And sometimes, people just need to realize they truly cannot bridge certain gaps in perception. It doesn't have to be hateful, or cutting the person out, entirely. You can still have some basic sense of human empathy and caring for the person, but also see that- whatever the reasons- things are not healthy, & changes must be made in order for both parties to have some peace of mind in the longterm.

If those changes can't be made without the situation becoming abusive on some level, then, unfortunately, as [MENTION=16071]sprinkles[/MENTION] said, you have to protect yourself. I've experienced both, & if forced to choose between the two unpleasant possibilities- I'd rather someone physically beat me, than deal with psychological garbage constantly, & have to brace myself for it everytime I interact with a particular person. Ideally it'd be wonderful if it never came to either one of those, but ey, sometimes the things we build break down.

Using the actual door analogy- I'd say I only slammed & bolted the door when someone repeatedly kept trying to pry it open with a crowbar. My actions may not have been the most comfortable, pleasant, or tactful- which was why I'd gone back & tried to open communication with the person, very carefully. No matter how it turns out, at least there was effort made to communicate, resolve things. Even if that solution entails not keeping up ties, you've given the person some closure. If you're friends, I believe you owe them that effort, at the very least, even when that bond has disintegrated.

What I'm saying is, in short- unless the situation has become abusive, I don't believe doorslamming is necessary.

What you describe above...does that qualify as a doorslam? See, it wouldn't in my mind. If an individual is doing everything they can to work through relationship challenges before and after a break in communication than I personally would not deem it a doorslam but ??? I guess I've been confused all along with regards to what a doorslam actually is.

 

[WALMART]

I don't doorslam, I just never unlatch the door chain

 

[Lexicon]

What you describe above...does that qualify as a doorslam? See, it wouldn't in my mind. If an individual is doing everything they can to work through relationship challenges before and after a break in communication than I personally would not deem it a doorslam but ??? I guess I've been confused all along with regards to what a doorslam actually is.

I think my initial description was my failed attempt at a doorslam. My general understanding of the "doorslam" is a seemingly abrupt severance of contact, often to the surprise & dismay of the other person involved.

 

[Lightyear]

I have only doorslammed properly once because that friend was a needy, manipulative ESTP and that person breaking my property and then trying to weasel out of compensating for the damage done finally broke the camel's back. I wasn't interested in restoring the relationship anyway since it was quite unhealthy and one-sided so the doorslam was a long time coming. As I have grown older I have learned to spot potential unhealthy relationships from afar and avoid them like the plague.

As a Sp dom I am good with setting boundaries but as an INFJ I am at the same time bad with conflict so once I have let someone past the boundaries, opened up to them and committed to them and they then start to manipulate and use personal information against me they are straight on their way to being doorslammed. It's like removing a destructive virus from one's system. I haven't done this in years though since as I said I have become quite selective about people, I will be nice to almost everyone but open up to only a few.

 

[sprinkles]

[MENTION=4945]EJCC[/MENTION]

There's also a problem some times when one lists their concerns and the other simply does not care at all and they're entirely unapologetic about it. They don't know how to reciprocate at all and it seems like they just see you as some kind of dog to kick around for their amusement.

When this happens too much one tends to become gun shy about it and also maybe learns to detect when some relationships are going one sided. It's not a friendship or relationship when you're trying to deal with something and the other party just spits on you like you were nothing to them to begin with.

 

[Ene]

Have you ever stabbed someone in the back with a knife as they were walking through said door and then slammed the door after them as they fall to the floor screaming? That's more how I would imagine an INFJ doorslam (with the Fe in full swing of course.)

No. I haven't. There's too much drama in that. I don't like drama, except in fiction, of course.

 

[greenfairy]

I don't know if everyone uses this definition, but I had thought that what makes doorslamming different from any other, similar outburst, is that it is perceived, by the person being doorslammed, as coming completely from out of nowhere. Response: equal parts emotional pain and "What the hell?!"

The types who doorslam the worst are the ones who let their resentment build up for a very long time, for the sake of maintaining harmony, and then, when the inevitable straw breaks their back, air all of their grievances at once, and don't give the other person a chance to try to make peace, or even resolve whatever problems pissed off the doorslammer in the first place. FJs are WAY more likely to do that, than any other type, because they're usually so conflict-avoidant that they won't want to bring up those problem topics unless they're angry enough to think that doorslamming is the best solution. Other types -- especially Thinkers, I would argue -- would not be afraid to list their concerns early on, because they're generally not as afraid of conflict, and therefore they wouldn't get the chance to build up enough resentment to lead to a doorslam, NEARLY as often as an FJ would.

(Side note: I get no satisfaction from doorslamming because I dislike burning bridges; I'd rather let the bridge fall into disrepair, and then fix it up later if I feel like it's worthwhile.)

Ah.
I think that's messed up. I would never do that. I'd rather drive someone away by confrontation. And if someone did that to me I'd be highly upset.