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  1. #31
    this is my winter song EJCC's Avatar
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    Thanks for your answers, folks. They're all kind of... depressing. But enlightening, definitely, even if they give me very little hope.
    ~ g e t f e s t i v e ! ~


    EJCC: "The Big Questions in my life right now: 1) What am I willing to live with? 2) What do I have to live with? 3) What can I change for the better?"
    Coriolis: "Is that the ESTJ Serenity Prayer?"



    ESTJ - LSE - ESTj (mbti/socionics)
    1w2/7w6/3w4 so/sx (enneagram)
    want to ask me something? go for it!

  2. #32
    Badoom~ Skyward's Avatar
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    I dont slam doors. It swings shut on its own, and by the time it's closed I am too far away to hear the slam.
    'Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and its better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.' - Marilyn Monroe

    This is who I am, escapist, paradise-seeker.
    -Nightwish

    Anthropology Major out of Hamline University. St. Paul, Minnesota.

  3. #33
    Senior Member Ene's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EJCC View Post
    Thanks for your answers, folks. They're all kind of... depressing. But enlightening, definitely, even if they give me very little hope.
    EJCC,

    It's not all depressing. People grow up. They mature and sometimes, they grow wiser, more patient, more objective... INFJ does not always equal doorslams. It can, but it doesn't have to. Also, being shut out of someone's life is not the worst thing that can ever happen to a person. If one door gets closed, just go open another one and if that one closes, open a window and if the window won't open, get a crow bar and prize the roof off. There's always a way in if a person's stubborn enough to find it
    A student said to his master: "You teach me fighting, but you talk about peace. How do you reconcile the two?" The master replied: "It is better to be a warrior in a garden than to be a gardener in a war." - unknown/Chinese

    http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...=61024&page=14

  4. #34
    As Long As It Takes.... Redbone's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by phobik View Post
    I can see @ bold being true; however, that eagerness may not always be shared equally, resulting in perceived unnecessary conflict cycles [if it happens often enough] for the other person, which can itself taint the whole dynamic/their impression of the relationship. Ultimately willingness to communicate and share each other's pov is of crucial importance, imo/e.
    Very true. It's only recently that I realized that bringing up issues that need to be dealt with could be perceived as conflict.
    Is this something that more self-aware Nines can learn to work through? i.e. by being more assertive, in order to avoid having to doorslam anyone?
    They do have to learn to work through it. I think that feeling anything beyond mellowness for a Nine is scary and they will disengage/numb themselves to get back to that comfortable inertia. They have to learn that they can speak up, have their own desires and needs, even be angry, and everything will still be okay. I think Nine's may be less likely to doorslam as they are to either blow up (do not want to see) or just simply sink into inaction and disengage from the person that is upsetting them.

  5. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ene View Post
    being shut out of someone's life is not the worst thing that can ever happen to a person.
    if this was preschool, sure. but..

    just from what i remember:
    - doorslamming co-workers mid-projects.
    - doorslamming with mutual property.
    - doorslamming a father from a son.
    - doorslamming a woman mid pregnancy.

    relationships as adults rarely stay just about the relationships.

    if all the person is taking away is themselves, one can say that they have a right too, and while that would be true - it's an empty defense. our rights don't guarantee that everything we do within them is ok, it just means enforcing otherwise isn't. just because i have the right for free speech doesn't mean that what i say can't be mean or even cruel, not to mention a huge indicator about me - because i am unavoidably expressing something about myself.
    in the doorslam, that willingness enforce a pretend world were another perspective has no existence, more often then not involving a run from accountability and denying the consequences, and quite often a betrayal of commitments and anything that was done trusting in those commitments... it says a lot about a person and their capacity for cruelty, and depending on how close they were to whoever they are doing it too, about their lack of trustworthiness.

    would you want to get close to someone like that?
    would you want to put any level of trust in someone like that?

    like we've sad, not all INFJs do this, and no behavior is type exclusive. but for people who do this... assuming you are not a complete masochist... the reasonable answer is no.

    and yes, their are worst things in life. but just because the option of dismemberment is out there and way worst then breaking your legs, doesn't mean you should be looking for ways to break your legs.
    Last edited by Society; 02-12-2013 at 07:00 AM.

  6. #36
    FRACTALICIOUS phobik's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Redbone View Post
    Very true. It's only recently that I realized that bring up issues that need to be dealt with could be perceived as conflict.
    Sometimes what one sees as issues can simply be a byproduct of insufficient data that the other person intentionally chose not to/resists sharing, stemming from a different willingness/capacity for disclosure between the two, resulting in an unbalanced relationship with a mismatch in expectations.

    It might not be easy to actually acknowledge and address this; ultimately the degree of importance of the bond/care for each other will dictate how/if such gap can/will be bridged, as it requires willingness to compromise, on both ends, ofc, which can take time, if ever happen at all, depending on how much stress there has been and how both parties feel it's worth it.

    Everyone has issues [except me ] that can sometimes get in the way, and overcoming them isn't something that can be forced at will. Other times people just have a mismatch in their views on interpersonal dynamics and are not willing - out of pride, fear, etc - or interested in compromising/exposing themselves beyond a certain level that the other may expect/desire, for whichever reasons that either side may have for their stance.

    Which results in:
    Last edited by phobik; 02-11-2013 at 06:56 PM. Reason: typos
    To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
    ~ Elbert Hubbard

    Music provides one of the clearest examples of a much deeper relation between mathematics and human experience.

  7. #37
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    i dont think door slamming works on enfp`s. i just learned that today. so, regardless if you do slam, as long as its alive and breathing...rest assured, there are still the windows and back door and you`re gonna get a visit.
    "I'm not in this world to live up to your expectations and you're not in this world to live up to mine. "
    -Bruce Lee

  8. #38
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    I'll never get why people are so fascinated with this.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  9. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    I'll never get why people are so fascinated with this.
    there is no way of effectively cutting yourself off and im not sure why anyone would want to.
    "I'm not in this world to live up to your expectations and you're not in this world to live up to mine. "
    -Bruce Lee

  10. #40
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gasoline View Post
    there is no way of effectively cutting yourself off and im not sure why anyone would want to.
    Sure there is. You don't answer their calls or emails, etc. Change your number if you need to. Tell them if they show up at your house, you'll call the police. If you see them in public pretend like you don't.

    I'd want to because the interaction does not appear to pose the hope of being more positive than negative for me under circumstances compatible with my understanding of reality. I understand that others may feel otherwise, but I don't understand why this particular quirk is so fascinating. There are so many quirks out there.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

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