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  1. #1
    Member Pushbeat's Avatar
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    Default Hug versus saying I love you, for an NF

    Recently my ENFJ female friend has a new boyfriend. She told me she was bothered by the fact that he (my guess an INTJ) doesn't tell her every now and then, that he loves her. I quote "I want him often to say that he loves me unlimited".

    So I asked her if he did hug her. He did that. A lot.
    Looks to me as the same, or even better than (just) saying I love you.

    Is this a common NF thing? Or general insecurity?
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  2. #2
    insert random title here Randomnity's Avatar
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    That's just a love languages thing - might overlap a bit with type preferences, might not. I.e. whether people prefer to express/receive love through

    1. verbal (i.e. "I love you", etc)
    2. touch (i.e. hugs, etc)
    3. gifts
    4. actions showing that you care
    5. I never remember the last damn one, but there are 5, anyway.

    I'd guess that NFs might be more likely than other types to go for verbal expression, and SPs for touch, and SJs for actions, but that guess only applies to average populations, not individuals. There are definitely some threads around here on love languages and type, if you search around a bit.
    -end of thread-

  3. #3
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    Don't ever expect to get a diverse range of expressions from any IxTx type!

    You don't know how many threads there have been with complaints about "my ISTP doesn't love me", or "my INTJ doesn't care" and so forth.

    My suggestion would be to introduce these people to personality types and explain why certain types (IxTx, enneagram 5) are just not programmed to perform these sorts of social rituals and relationship functions at a sufficient level to please the stupid multitudes.

  4. #4
    insert random title here Randomnity's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RaptorWizard View Post
    Don't ever expect to get a diverse range of expressions from any IxTx type!

    You don't know how many threads there have been with complaints about "my ISTP doesn't love me", or "my INTJ doesn't care" and so forth.

    My suggestion would be to introduce these people to personality types and explain why certain types (IxTx, enneagram 5) are just not programmed to perform these sorts of social rituals and relationship functions at a sufficient level to please the stupid multitudes.
    That's BS. You're right that on average it will be less natural for IxTx types to express emotions, but we can certainly learn and even excel, just as ExFx types can excel at analyzing complicated equations that have nothing to do with emotions.

    Of course, the desire to do so has to be there, and in many IxTx types, especially the young ones, it isn't (yet).
    -end of thread-

  5. #5
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    Could be more Fi vs Fe. She may feel that him saying 'I love you' would be a direct expression of his feelings. But the INTJ thinks that hugging is more sincere. Maybe the ENFJ hugs friends a lot, or is desensitized by repetition, so sees hugs as nothing special.

  6. #6
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    I don't normally receive much of either and don't really have much need of either but hugging would be far better. "I love you" can have a myriad of different reasons, several different contexts and different levels of depth and/or sincerity. It could be perceived to be deep emotional attraction and its purely a platonic enjoyment of your company.

    Hugging though better conveys (at least to me) what they feel about you. Their whole approach, manner of hugging, hug length etc. can be far easily measured to conclude on the state of their feelings to you. For instance I know the "feel" of a friendly hug and how it differs to a romantic hug (even though the latter are very, very rare for me.)

  7. #7
    Member Pushbeat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Standuble View Post
    Their whole approach, manner of hugging, hug length etc. can be far easily measured to conclude on the state of their feelings to you. For instance I know the "feel" of a friendly hug and how it differs to a romantic hug (even though the latter are very, very rare for me.)
    Hmm, seems like you want romantic hugs. Do you express yourself clearly enough?

    Quote Originally Posted by RaptorWizard View Post
    My suggestion would be to introduce these people to personality types and explain why certain types (IxTx, enneagram 5) are just not programmed to perform these sorts of social rituals and relationship functions at a sufficient level to please the stupid multitudes.
    I did. The subject seemed logical to me, but I understand that logic is not her favourite process. ;-)

    Quote Originally Posted by Infinite Bubble View Post
    Could be more Fi vs Fe. She may feel that him saying 'I love you' would be a direct expression of his feelings. But the INTJ thinks that hugging is more sincere. Maybe the ENFJ hugs friends a lot, or is desensitized by repetition, so sees hugs as nothing special.
    That makes a huge lot of sense.
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  8. #8
    Member Pushbeat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Randomnity View Post

    1. verbal (i.e. "I love you", etc)
    2. touch (i.e. hugs, etc)
    3. gifts
    4. actions showing that you care
    5. I never remember the last damn one, but there are 5, anyway.
    5. Quality time.

    Strange thing is that I never heard of these, until last monday. Someone mentioned those to me but only remembered four. Remarkable.
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  9. #9
    Level 8 Propaganda Bot SpankyMcFly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pushbeat View Post
    Recently my ENFJ female friend has a new boyfriend. She told me she was bothered by the fact that he (my guess an INTJ) doesn't tell her every now and then, that he loves her. I quote "I want him often to say that he loves me unlimited".

    So I asked her if he did hug her. He did that. A lot.
    Looks to me as the same, or even better than (just) saying I love you.

    Is this a common NF thing? Or general insecurity?
    She is high maintenance in my opinion. He sounds like a low maintenance giver, therein lies the issue.

    I would suggest to her that she should be direct and discuss this with him and formulate a plan on how to work towards a middle ground. Their both J's, a planing session might do them well.
    "The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents... Some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the light into the peace and safety of a new Dark Age. " - H.P. Lovecraft

  10. #10
    insert random title here Randomnity's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pushbeat View Post
    5. Quality time.

    Strange thing is that I never heard of these, until last monday. Someone mentioned those to me but only remembered four. Remarkable.
    Oh yeah. LOL, that's actually always the one that comes up top for me. It just always seems like such an obvious thing that I don't tend to think of it as a love language at all.
    -end of thread-

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