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  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pushbeat View Post
    Hmm, seems like you want romantic hugs. Do you express yourself clearly enough?
    I don't really (at least most of the time.) I was explaining that I have little experience in one area which I'm actually using as a configuration which I am assessing the current situation in regards to. So I may be wrong in my measurements, with any future romantic hugs being incorrectly concluded as friendly ones and vice versa.

    I imagine the difference is a combination of feeling and perceiving. There could always be verbal exclamations where the context and intensity are immediately evident but for the majority of cases it could be interpreted in many different ways. It may not even be truthful or sincere in the slightest. If I'm after romance I don't really want to have to go through all the possibilities (Fi-Si loop perhaps) and I want to know the conclusion. A hug expresses more and it helps to narrow down the possibilities. Of course if I'm not romantically interested either will do.

    The poster who said it was a case of Fi vs Fe has a good point too, even though I have heard that INTJs are often uncomfortable with hugs.

  2. #12
    Member Pushbeat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SpankyMcFly View Post
    She is high maintenance in my opinion. He sounds like a low maintenance giver, therein lies the issue.

    I would suggest to her that she should be direct and discuss this with him and formulate a plan on how to work towards a middle ground. Their both J's, a planing session might do them well.
    Correct & correct. She is afraid of losing him by being "too demanding". I advised her to discuss it without any delay, but with the least possible drama. A planning session might be a good idea as well ;-)
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  3. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Standuble View Post
    I don't really (at least most of the time.) I was explaining that I have little experience in one area which I'm actually using as a configuration which I am assessing the current situation in regards to. So I may be wrong in my measurements, with any future romantic hugs being incorrectly concluded as friendly ones and vice versa.

    I imagine the difference is a combination of feeling and perceiving. There could always be verbal exclamations where the context and intensity are immediately evident but for the majority of cases it could be interpreted in many different ways. It may not even be truthful or sincere in the slightest. If I'm after romance I don't really want to have to go through all the possibilities (Fi-Si loop perhaps) and I want to know the conclusion. A hug expresses more and it helps to narrow down the possibilities. Of course if I'm not romantically interested either will do.

    The poster who said it was a case of Fi vs Fe has a good point too, even though I have heard that INTJs are often uncomfortable with hugs.
    That's clear, I understand that. I'm so far behind on F and S :-( Still got something to learn.
    It would be stupid (for me as an observing INTP) if she wants to hear "I love you" and he thinks that a hug is better. But his normal reaction would be just to say "I love you". And she considers a hug as just a hug. Complicated.
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  4. #14
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    For me, if you know your partner needs/wants something but instead you give them what you would want it's pretty pointless. It'd be like ordering my husband's pizza with mushrooms even though I know he doesn't like them and then feeling put out because he doesn't want to eat it. I mean, I love mushrooms on my pizza. What's his problem?

    Myself, I'm very verbal and my family is very verbally so I need the words. I like and need hugs, too, but the words mean something to me that hugs don't.

    Edit: FWIW, my INTP has become pretty competent with the verbal stuff, just like I've learned to scratch his back and play with his hair. I mean, how much does it cost to make a little gesture of affection or appreciation? I can read a book and play with his hair. He can take his shoes and jacket off while telling me he loves me. It just doesn't seem like a herculean effort compared to the pay-off to me.
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  5. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    For me, if you know your partner needs/wants something but instead you give them what you would want it's pretty pointless. It'd be like ordering my husband's pizza with mushrooms even though I know he doesn't like them and then feeling put out because he doesn't want to eat it. I mean, I love mushrooms on my pizza. What's his problem?

    Myself, I'm very verbal and my family is very verbally so I need the words. I like and need hugs, too, but the words mean something to me that hugs don't.

    Edit: FWIW, my INTP has become pretty competent with the verbal stuff, just like I've learned to scratch his back and play with his hair. I mean, how much does it cost to make a little gesture of affection or appreciation? I can read a book and play with his hair. He can take his shoes and jacket off while telling me he loves me. It just doesn't seem like a herculean effort compared to the pay-off to me.
    Yeah.. I view it similarly. I feel like if I know my partner values a certain love language, I'll bend over backwards to use that language, add that to be a much bigger component in my repertoire. I can't easily comprehend the other person not trying to do the same in return. And if they would flat-out refuse, saying insisting it's 'not them', or they can't, what do I do with that? Should I just decide to make it tit for tat, then, and stop speaking their language?

    ----

    Anyway, I think it's completely reasonable that if one persons' love language is verbal, and the others' weakest and least valued is verbal, that the latter person may not easily remember to try to be verbal on occasion, and I don't think the latter person should have to start saying 'I love you' every day or even super regularly. But I don't think it would kill the latter person to say it occasionally, if for no other reason than because they truly do love the other person and know the other person needs to hear it sometimes, as 'irrational', meaningless, or unrelatable as it may seem to the latter. And without that attempt at extension, I would be hard-pressed to believe they actually did love me.

    For myself, I don't know that I need to hear the specific phrase, but some sort of similarly-messaged phrase indicating expression of emotion would be desirable on occasion. Just to be told every now and then that the other person cares for me, I'm important to them, whatnot, would go a long way.

    fwiw, I am not sure if verbal is in my top 2 or not, but I've been in a relationship with zero verbal, never hearing the phrase for 2 yrs besides my knowing he cared for me, and it began eating away at me.
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  6. #16
    libtard SJW chickpea's Avatar
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    I mean.. I'll hug a total stranger. I like getting hugs but they definitely aren't equal to telling somebody you love them.

    my istp boyfriend didn't tell me he loved me until we were dating for over a year and lived together though, which I was pretty offended by even though I could tell that he loved me through his actions. which went way beyond hugging or I would have kicked his ass to the curb long ago

    how old are your friends?

  7. #17
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    I'm a touchy-feely person. I get more out of physical touch than words. Physical touch is so much more literally tangible, so much more comforting for me. It's enveloping.

    So, no, I don't think needing words is an NF thing. But it might be an F thing to seek more positive affirmation in general.

    Quote Originally Posted by Randomnity View Post
    [Quality time] just always seems like such an obvious thing that I don't tend to think of it as a love language at all.
    Haha, me neither.

  8. #18
    Member Pushbeat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by chana View Post
    how old are your friends?
    Mid 40, and they are together for 3.5 months now.
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  9. #19
    Away with the fairies Southern Kross's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Randomnity View Post
    That's just a love languages thing - might overlap a bit with type preferences, might not. I.e. whether people prefer to express/receive love through
    Yeah, I think you're right here. I don't think it's terribly type related.
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  10. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pushbeat View Post
    Recently my ENFJ female friend has a new boyfriend. She told me she was bothered by the fact that he (my guess an INTJ) doesn't tell her every now and then, that he loves her. I quote "I want him often to say that he loves me unlimited".

    So I asked her if he did hug her. He did that. A lot.
    Looks to me as the same, or even better than (just) saying I love you.

    Is this a common NF thing? Or general insecurity?
    It's kind of a fi vs fe thing too
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