[Fi] How I may have lost my best friend ....was I wrong here?

[iNtrovert]

TLDR: My friend took something I said the wrong way and got offended. I apologized several times but she wouldn't accept it because i said "I'm sorry I made you feel that way" but I said "I'm sorry that's how you felt" and then maliciously attacked me pretty much telling me why I'm an all around bad person. I told her that my apology was in good faith but I wont keep saying I'm sorry. I have no control over her perception and i'm not going to apologize for it. I feel those are things she is insecure about and therefor internalized and I refuse to accept responsibility for that. I won't stand for her projecting those insecurities onto me and what I said even after I explained repeatedly that it was not intended to be an insult. Her response was a round about way of telling me I'm not worth her time and anger. We haven't spoken since Sept of 2012. Should I contact her and apologize again if she will admit she intended to offend me knowing that I unintentionally offended her?



The whole story:

In September I had a falling out with one of my best friends. We were talking via I'm and she misunderstood something I said. W/o going into too much detail. I jokingly insulted her nothing profane or super insulting I just called her a bum because she signed off mid convo so when she signed back on the next day I just said loser. The convo continued and she said something like you've done that too so your a loser too with one of these at the end . So im thinking we are playing around an I light heartedly stated 3 reasons why she was a bum but I used things we had in common expecting her to pick up on it and keep the joke running. Instead she got really offended and said I had crossed the line ect. So I explained to her I was just stating the obvious out of context (being that these were also thing we had in common ect) and explained the joke. She didn't get back to me right away and I'm a full time student so I went back to doing work going to class business as usual. 2 weeks later she writes me telling me how upset she is and how it took her all this time to even bring her self to talk to me. Then she goes on to tell me all the reasons why I suck as a friend, that I betrayed her. I felt bad so I told her I was sorry what I said made her feel that way. It was a joke I didn't know you'd take it so seriously. I told her it was never intended to make her feel bad and that those were traits I felt we shared ect. She responds by listing more grievances she has with me not things i have done in particular but things about me as a person. She also tells me my apology was unauthentic and not a real apology because I didn't say "I'm sorry I made you feel that way" but I said "I'm sorry that's how you felt". So yea I kinda snapped. I had tried to apologize several times by that point and not only was she still upset but she was viciously attacking me and refusing to accept my apology because of my wording.

I got pretty offended after that re-reading her post and her list of grievances ( which were much longer than the 3 things I said initially) and told her that my apology was in good faith but I'm not going to grovel, beg and keep saying I'm sorry. I also told her I have no control over her perception and i'm not going to apologize for her thought process. I was pretty mad so I added some stuff about how I feel those are things she is insecure about and therefor internalized and I refuse to accept responsibility for that. I also told her I won't stand for her projecting those insecurities onto me and what I said even after I explained repeatedly that it was not intended to be an insult. I ended it with I'm not going to apologize anymore you can either accept it or you can continue to be mad. She responded to this by saying she's not holding on to anger implying in a round about way i'm not worth her time. We haven't spoken since but recently I've been thinking about talking to her one last time in an attempt to reconcile the friendship. What she said to me was very hurtful and i'm almost mad right now thinking about it but it was so petty and stupid. I know it would probably take a lot but I'd be willing to work on it if she would at least acknowledged she intended to offend me knowing that I unintentionally offended her and apologize to me. If she did that I'd apologize again

 

[Lexicon]

TLDR: My friend took something I said the wrong way and got offended. I apologized several times but she wouldn't accept it because i said "I'm sorry I made you feel that way" but I said "I'm sorry that's how you felt" and then maliciously attacked me pretty much telling me why I'm an all around bad person. I told her that my apology was in good faith but I wont keep saying I'm sorry. I have no control over her perception and i'm not going to apologize for it. I feel those are things she is insecure about and therefor internalized and I refuse to accept responsibility for that. I won't stand for her projecting those insecurities onto me and what I said even after I explained repeatedly that it was not intended to be an insult. Her response was a round about way of telling me I'm not worth her time and anger. We haven't spoken since Sept of 2012. Should I contact her and apologize again if she will admit she intended to offend me knowing that I unintentionally offended her?



The whole story:

In September I had a falling out with one of my best friends. We were talking via I'm and she misunderstood something I said. W/o going into too much detail. I jokingly insulted her nothing profane or super insulting I just called her a bum because she signed off mid convo so when she signed back on the next day I just said loser. The convo continued and she said something like you've done that too so your a loser too with one of these at the end . So im thinking we are playing around an I light heartedly stated 3 reasons why she was a bum but I used things we had in common expecting her to pick up on it and keep the joke running. Instead she got really offended and said I had crossed the line ect. So I explained to her I was just stating the obvious out of context (being that these were also thing we had in common ect) and explained the joke. She didn't get back to me right away and I'm a full time student so I went back to doing work going to class business as usual. 2 weeks later she writes me telling me how upset she is and how it took her all this time to even bring her self to talk to me. Then she goes on to tell me all the reasons why I suck as a friend, that I betrayed her. I felt bad so I told her I was sorry what I said made her feel that way. It was a joke I didn't know you'd take it so seriously. I told her it was never intended to make her feel bad and that those were traits I felt we shared ect. She responds by listing more grievances she has with me not things i have done in particular but things about me as a person. She also tells me my apology was unauthentic and not a real apology because I didn't say "I'm sorry I made you feel that way" but I said "I'm sorry that's how you felt". So yea I kinda snapped. I had tried to apologize several times by that point and not only was she still upset but she was viciously attacking me and refusing to accept my apology because of my wording.

I got pretty offended after that re-reading her post and her list of grievances ( which were much longer than the 3 things I said initially) and told her that my apology was in good faith but I'm not going to grovel, beg and keep saying I'm sorry. I also told her I have no control over her perception and i'm not going to apologize for her thought process. I was pretty mad so I added some stuff about how I feel those are things she is insecure about and therefor internalized and I refuse to accept responsibility for that. I also told her I won't stand for her projecting those insecurities onto me and what I said even after I explained repeatedly that it was not intended to be an insult. I ended it with I'm not going to apologize anymore you can either accept it or you can continue to be mad. She responded to this by saying she's not holding on to anger implying in a round about way i'm not worth her time. We haven't spoken since but recently I've been thinking about talking to her one last time in an attempt to reconcile the friendship. What she said to me was very hurtful and i'm almost mad right now thinking about it but it was so petty and stupid. I know it would probably take a lot but I'd be willing to work on it if she would at least acknowledged she intended to offend me knowing that I unintentionally offended her and apologize to me. If she did that I'd apologize again

Would asking her to meet with you in person for coffee or something, & to talk, be doable? (idk how far away she lives from you)
So much can be lost in translation, in terms of inflection, etc when you're just looking at letters on a screen.

If it's really worth it to both of you- even if it's awkward and tense- I'd suggest trying that route. And even if you're the one initiating that contact, or making that request- it doesn't mean you've relented on your principles . It's just opening up lines of communication, to try to work things out. That last bit may not necessarily apply to you, but I'm mentioning it anyway, since I realize sometimes, to some people, being the first to speak is some sort of surrender- and then nothing gets resolved..

Sounds like an unfortunate misunderstanding that got blown out of proportion. I'm guessing she was under some sort of stress at the time of the initial conversation, but I'm just making stabs in the dark, here. Doesn't make what transpired necessarily appropriate, but eh, sometimes people have meltdowns, I guess. It all depends on what the relationship is truly worth to the two of you, and being able to put that out there for one another to discuss.

I think the most you can do in a situation like this is try to interact face-to-face, or at the very least, on the phone.. just something human. If she doesn't want to, at least you tried, & there will be some sense of closure for you, and potentially for her.



Good luck, either way.

 

[DaniaWania]

I am probably not the best person to give anyone friendship advice, but I believe that if you spoke your mind in your apology (stating that those were things you had in common) and she still went ahead to offend you with her long list... (getting back at you ANYWAY) I just feel like she is immature and hence a waste of time. It means she was either not listening or she was so hurt and wrapped up in it that she couldn't let it go without hurting you back (and then some).

And the fact that she waited 2 weeks to do this would end it for me. I don't like when people walk around with negative feelings towards me and I have no clue... that is not a best friend, that is not even a friend to me. I hate that shit. If she had come out in an outrage.. a brawl on the same day and said the worst things to offend without thinking, I would have been okay with it.. we are human.

When someone angers me, I could pop off so I have to take a day.. think it over, beef up some hate mail, shred it and then get my act right, look at things objectively, observe my own feelings and actions, and then I will respond or confront the person. After all that my head is cool and things can be handled in a civil manner. Taking time off should not add fuel to the fire... I view her attack as I would view PREMEDITATED MURDER. Yes, I said it.

 

[Tiltyred]

If you really want her back, go straight for her heart and stop with the blah blah blah.

 

[Eilonwy]

Just my two cents. If you want the friendship to continue, you should probably leave the part about your feelings being hurt out of any conversations until you are both back in a less emotional place. Apologize again for the hurt you caused and make sure that you're sincere about that apology. Don't add any if's, and's, or but's. You can explain that it was unintended, but stop at that. Then listen. Some of what your friend is saying about you may not be accurate or fair, but listen to it. Realize that she's speaking out of anger and may be exaggerating some things to make a point. If you have to, keep apologizing for the offense you did commit--hurting her feelings. She might not be hearing it through her anger.

If you really want the friendship to continue, you're going to have to sincerely put your feelings aside for now. Maybe, once the friendship is repaired, you can bring up that your feelings were hurt, too, and get that worked out. But right now the timing is bad for doing that. If she won't accept your apology after that, then there are probably deeper issues and you have to decide how much the friendship means to you and whether you want to put the effort into keeping it.

ETA: I'm not saying that you were wrong to feel offended in return, just saying that you have to decide how much the friendship means to you. If putting your own feelings aside in order to save the friendship isn't something you are willing to do, then that's fine.

 

[Tiltyred]

^What Eilonwy said. This is where you're most likely going to end up.

But personally, I would try to get on a "bygones" footing, a la, "I miss you sooo much. Can we just start over?" and if she wanted to re-hash, I might try at least once to redirect her, e.g., "Oh, it was such a horrible mix up! I'm so sorry I said the wrong thing. I'd love to see you ..." and offer to buy lunch.

"I'm so sorry I said the wrong thing" is truthful and it also might help trigger her to the fact that she's trashing a friendship just for that reason -- you happened to say something that hit her wrong. She might show mercy if she realizes she's being unmerciful.

Or if you won't feel like a total whore, just say what she wants to hear. It's certainly easier.

Good luck!

 

[Glycerine]

The "I am sorry you feel that way" always seems like a copout to me. I am sorry but not really... I disagree with you. She probably was stressed or something, read into your comment, got really offended and got further offended that you didn't acknowledge your role in it (whether or not it was intentional). Then her list came. Even if you're right, if you really want to get her back, swallow your pride and acknowledge it or you can stay right and potentially lose one of your best friends.

 

[Tiltyred]

Let's look on the bright side and hope she's right there for ya with some "Sorry I was a temperamental bitch and went off on you."

HEY. It could happen.

 

[Glycerine]

I was thinking, were there emoticons involved? If the "loser" comment was the next day, she probably didn't see the joke connection between the "bum" comment and the "loser" comment.

"I am sorry for what I said. I honestly was joking around after you called me a bum" *big smile*.

 

[iNtrovert]

I left this out but she has done thing's like this before . I always have to make the first move. The last time was a few years ago she didn't talk to me for a few months. So I
just called her out of the blue. I just don't want to feel like I value our friendship more than she does. That's what's really holding me back. For me explaining she didn't intend to hurt me would have been enough. I wouldn't have let it get that far. I just kinda think she doesn't really care and has she's written me off already anyway so why bother. However we haven't spoken so I don't know that. I just keep imagining us friends again and how it would be and i'm kinda not feeling it. I don't think we would be as close. I feel like I put some walls up that are going to be hard for me to tear down which is another reason I'm not so sure I want to invite her back into my life like that.I just feel like i always have to do all the bending in this relationship and if she would just meet me half way even a little i'd be more receptive.


[MENTION=5159]Lexicon[/MENTION]- she does live 2 hrs away now that i'm away at school but iIhave a few days left in town. I'm not sure if I want to confront her right now. I'd like to leave home on a positive note you know in case things go south. I deff agree that this whole thing was blown out of proportion


[MENTION=17518]DaniaWania[/MENTION] - lol don't encourage me. That's really how I felt ...she came back with more anger like she really didn't like me as a person in the 1st place and i'd never do that to her.


[MENTION=5723]Tiltyred[/MENTION] - I just don't like the fact that iIhave to jump through hoops for her when she was wrong too..my pride won't let me tell her I what she wants to hear w.o her meeting me half way


[MENTION=8244]Eilonwy[/MENTION] - I guess that's what it comes down to in the end I suppose


[MENTION=5109]Glycerine[/MENTION]- That's what she said but then I explained to her no I really am sorry. I just kinda feel like if I said it any other way it would be unauthentic which is what she accused me of. Kinda like when you parents used to make to apologize to people when you were little "ok Johnny say sorry" you never mean it. So I apologized for saying it and that she was hurt by it. I don't see how that's a cop out. I just feel like to say "no say it like this..." is being kinda petty on top of insulting me too. The fact that I apologized at all is saying I had a part in it. If I never said it then she would have never been offended. She wants,"I'm sorry I made you feel that way" opposed to" I'm sorry if what I said made you feel that way.... that was not my intention". Idk It's not about being right it's more about her intentionally hurting my feelings being unapologetic and then asking me to apologize to her repeatedly word for word how she wants to hear it ...doesn't that seem a bit unreasonable to you?


None the less thanks for your input. There is something to take away from everything all of you have said. I really do appreciate the fact that you took the time to weigh in ... *group hug*

 

[Glycerine]

yeah I guess you're right. People can do ridiculous things when they feel hurt. It's your choice... either you want her back or you don't and in the end, your actions will reflect that. Relationships are a two way street and one always has the option of dealing with the dynamics, changing the dynamics or leaving.

A. We aren't getting the full picture.
B. Your friend is stressed, overreacting, immature and/or crazy.
C. Both.