It all started with the deep melancholic states that we INFPs go through when we're alone.
I started to notice the application of Fi that i did with everything, everywhere. Especially in these isolate moments.
I noticed that a lot of my dreams were consistent with other people's expectations. And this at some point i viewed as annoying because being consistent with other people's expectations gave me this feeling that I was being 'fake' and not being altruistic, and just seeking 'fame'. Like sometimes I would just listen to a certain song to imagine all the ways other people would react if I had sung it in front of them in school.
Which is also kind of a reflection of how much I consider other people's expectations in school as well.
Well then, I started to seek alternatives to my imagination, and when I listened to those certain songs I applied it to my past (Si) and this made those melancholic views that I always had about the past, much more bearable. It's pretty peculiar at the same time, that I also started to look at conflict in a more positive light and started to think rationally about a situation whenever some sort of conflict arose with other people. Like a sort of militant training of my inferior Te or at least my shadow function of Ti (I think it's more of my shadow function to be honest).
This gave me much less inhibitions as an INFP I think, so I started to seek inspiration around me, and started to view situations in a light where I played my own role, and avoiding it was 'not an option'. I actually noticed that I was the 'life' of the situation when I started to converse with other people and i was 'the one making the jokes'. Which usually never happens as an INFP, because I was way too shy.
I don't know what it is, as an INFP, I hoped that I could one day apply myself and be the talkative one for once. Like an ENFP.
I felt ENFPs lived the life that I wish I could, the life that inspires others and handles situations rationally. The life where the champion with a heart strives.
Now I feel like I've left all these amazing emotional depths that drove me to altruistic things and values that I had. Like it's almost as if I'm hanging onto them so dearly now. It feels like I'm in a struggle to win back my Fi with my Ne, but it's barely coming back like it used to. Like I drove away myself, and I'm not sure what I've done. I feel numb.
Any thoughts? Have I developed my Ne, or have I just unhealthily developed my Ne and shadow functions by numbing Fi, and changing who I am...? I honestly don't know what to think right now.