I'm not exactly sure where I'm meant to be writing or posting this (under the blogs or the personal threads) but I'll post this once and maybe someone can clarify.
The late night (post-study, pre-sleep hours/restless mind due to a coffee-induced haze) has once again sent me into a reflective state. And it's given me some courage to post something...
I've never really understood exactly why people blogged. To me it seems a bit self-centred ... I mean shouldn't personal thoughts be just that - personal? Or does it come down to that thought that people keep diaries because deep down secretly, they want another soul to read it?
But in my little ponderings I've come to a realisation that writing down things, no matter the audience (even if it's just an imaginary friend), no matter the subject, can be a form of therapy of a sorts. And so it is with this thinking that I write - to face down the monster that is upon my back, the monster whose name is Self-consciousness and Fear, whose influence is even stronger than the courage given by anonymity.
Another thought comes to me however - one that is more frightening and at the same time comforting. How much of this so-called monster has defined who I am and my path through life so far and how much of that am I happy with? Could it be called a monster then? My thoughts meander to a film I once saw about a young timid creature who had a beautiful voice but could only sing when noone was watching (I think it was called Little Voice).
What if that monster were banished forever? Would those "sufferers" be who they were if not beset by it? Would they still shine as brightly in the day surrounded by people as when they were in the darkness with nobody watching? And yet another meandering thought drifts across my mind - that of a poem of the swan who spends her life in silence but in death finally sings her first and last note. Should we be content and humble in our life or blaze out, creating our mark upon it? Would it be like an erupting volcano, short lived but noticed by all or like an ancient tree, long lived but noticed by few, both essential as the other?
I have presented questions and thoughts but no answers, for at the moment I have none - my mind is turbulent with conflicts.