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[MBTI General] I HATE asking for help....

sculpting

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Jan 28, 2009
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Does anyone else have this problem?

I really, really hate having to ask for help from others. Not ask their opinion or their feedback, but actually having to ask them to do something for me.

The feeling is that I should be able to do all of my work myself and that if I cant, I need to work harder. It also feels like I am imposing a huge burden on the other person by asking them to do something for me...if I have been given the work, I am responsible for completing it.

There is some notion that if they see I am doing a task and I need help, they will help share part of the burden without my having to ask. They will not only offer, but insist to help. But if I have to ask, then likely they did not want to help in the first place and I am putting a burden on them by asking or getting a favor to which I will owe them something for it....like helping has turned into a system of bartering, when it should be one of giving.... If I have to actually ask, then I sometimes feel even resentful-why should I have to ask for help when it is obvious that I need help?

There is also some notion that if I am forced to ask for help, then the other people around me are not working towards the same goals as myself or they would have seen the importance of the goals...thus I feel like a lone ranger who needs to shoulder the burdens alone...almost like they do not value the same goals as me...

I recognize this is all types of goof-ball and likely has something to do with my childhood and getting the electricity turned off a few too many times. As a result, the only person who ever gets to help me much is my type 8 INTJ dad-in-law who just forces his way into the situation and does things without asking. I am learning to communicate this to my ESTJ boss, so she is starting to give me subordinates to take some amount of the work, but I even feel kinda bad dumping work on them.

Do other people experience this sort of feeling? What is a more normal approach to asking/receiving help from others?
 
W

WALMART

Guest
I'd sooner quadruple over my work before I ask for help, most times. It sucks, but I'm getting better.


I think I expect to be noticed I need help or something.
 
P

Phantonym

Guest
It also feels like I am imposing a huge burden on the other person by asking them to do something for me

This I can definitely identify with. I also dislike depending on others to do something for me.

I can't really claim that it's a problem for me at the moment, even though it has been in the past. Because right now I'm rarely in a situation where I feel the need to do so. And I do my best to avoid such situations. I guess for me it's something to do with pride, maybe. And the desire to appear strong and independent.

There is some notion that if they see I am doing a task and I need help, they will help share part of the burden without my having to ask. They will not only offer, but insist to help. But if I have to ask, then likely they did not want to help in the first place and I am putting a burden on them by asking or getting a favor to which I will owe them something for it....like helping has turned into a system of bartering, when it should be one of giving.... If I have to actually ask, then I sometimes feel even resentful-why should I have to ask for help when it is obvious that I need help?

Some people really don't notice such things. So it's not obvious to them. Or if they do, they just assume that if you needed help you'd ask for it.

There is also some notion that if I am forced to ask for help, then the other people around me are not working towards the same goals as myself or they would have seen the importance of the goals...thus I feel like a lone ranger who needs to shoulder the burdens alone...almost like they do not value the same goals as me...

About the bolded. It's possible that they actually don't value those same goals. It depends on their motivation to do their job. But you're also not responsible for what they value or not. You have your own job to do and if it's important to you to do it the best you can, then that's all you can do. But within reason. You can't be a martyr and take on the responsibility for everything.

What is a more normal approach to asking/receiving help from others?

I guess it helps to get into a mindset that since, in particular in a work environment, you're working in a team. And it's also normal for the whole team to help out when needed. Everybody has strenghts and weaknesses, but it all starts from asking for help.
 

gromit

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I can relate, I am fiercely independent, I do not want to depend upon another for my existence.

However, it has been my experience that people are very willing to lend a hand where they are qualified. People like to feel needed and useful. They often simply do not realize that you could use the assistance unless you SPEAK. Growing up with a parent who never asked for help from anyone, expected everyone to read her mind as to her needs, becoming resentful when they did not... made me realize that people do not always know what you need. And it's unfair to expect that and then hold it against them when they cannot. It's like that stereotypical relationship where the woman expects the man to read her mind. If you really loved me, you would know what I want without me having to ask!

Knowing your own limits is an important life skill. Admitting those limits does not indicate a lack of competence - it shows awareness and humility and that a person values the outcome more than their own pride.
 

PrincessButtercup

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Knowing your own limits is an important life skill. Admitting those limits does not indicate a lack of competence - it shows awareness and humility and that a person values the outcome more than their own pride.
Agree completely!

I used to struggle with asking for help. The stress of carrying the world on my shoulders caused an autoimmune disease that may someday leave me totally disabled. That was my wake-up call and I heeded it. I cannot do it all anymore and I HAVE to ask for help. I do not feel guilty for it anymore. I refuse to carry that.

I'm starting to realize that INFP = Type E Personality (Someone who thinks they have to be Everything to Everybody.)
 

kyuuei

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I've never really had trouble with this at all, actually. Maybe when I was younger and cannot remember..

I tend to not ask for things that aren't necessary in the first place.. if I need help with something, the word 'need' is key and necessary and essential tasks don't really have luxuries like reservations. I'm quite generous when it comes to friends and family, and since I don't take advantage of their kindness it puts me in a rather easy position emotionally to set myself up for success regarding asking for assistance.

What I have trouble with, though, is the idea of letting people into my personal space. I recently asked for help from a friend because I trusted him and had no other choice, but I struggled with asking not because I was worried about him helping me or not, or because I was embarrassed... but simply because I would have to explain the situation and allow him into my personal, private matters. The situation called for it. I wasn't really thrilled about that...
 

metalmommy

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Aug 15, 2012
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I so relate to everything in the OP. I could've written that!

I am learning that, despite my intense need for self-sufficiency, there are times when I straight up need help. And there are people (lots of them, it seems) who genuinely don't see it. And if they genuinely don't see it, I can't exactly be mad at them for that...or I shouldn't be, at least.

I agree with [MENTION=9486]gromit[/MENTION] that people like and need to feel needed. I know i've certainly derived significant satisfaction from being that person who can step in and give someone what they needed. And it's good to know who you can really count on when the chips are down.

I understand all of this in principle...but I still hate needing help. :dry:
 

sculpting

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Some people really don't notice such things. So it's not obvious to them. Or if they do, they just assume that if you needed help you'd ask for it.

Totally understood logically, but internally the feeling still can remain...dumb Fi. It is a projective error on my part.

About the bolded. It's possible that they actually don't value those same goals. It depends on their motivation to do their job. But you're also not responsible for what they value or not. You have your own job to do and if it's important to you to do it the best you can, then that's all you can do. But within reason. You can't be a martyr and take on the responsibility for everything.

But I tend to (stupidly) assume I should be the martyr...I would never ask anyone else to do the amount I do-it would be unfair, yet I feel like I have failed if I cant complete the work...I tend to turn work into a value based mission, then feel if it fails, I failed...This means I work with intense passion and dedication, but I also have issues saying no to additional work. Accomplishing the goal becomes the most important thing. I can get very frustrated with those in my life who cant "see" the value in all my extra work...not fair to them, I know.

Recognizing my own Fi leads me to be dumb, likely based on some fear of abandonment if I fail, I have actually started using project plans and doing long term scoping (Te) to justify to myself that I really do need help-then it becomes an easy thing to request more resources from my boss as I can point to my data and not to me. She is an ESTJ, so this seems to work for her and she gives me whatever I ask for.

I guess it helps to get into a mindset that since, in particular in a work environment, you're working in a team. And it's also normal for the whole team to help out when needed. Everybody has strengths and weaknesses, but it all starts from asking for help.

But do you not feel guilty for dumping more work on their already full plates?


Knowing your own limits is an important life skill. Admitting those limits does not indicate a lack of competence - it shows awareness and humility and that a person values the outcome more than their own pride.

hmm, this doesnt feel like pride...maybe it is, I dunno. It isnt that I feel I can do anything or am cool...more like I feel I MUST do everything. I have gotten so used to being able to forge through whatever challenges I face...everytime it seems insurmountable I just keep plowing on and then I find I actually did it....then I am filled with kick-ass yippie and I seek out even bigger challenges-like I am hungry to take on even bigger and bigger things. So then I just assume I should be able to do pretty much anything, and then am just being lazy for asking for help....yet am resentful for not getting help...egads what a cranky, cantankerous creature I am being.. Thank you for helping me think out loud on this one Gromit!

Agree completely!

I used to struggle with asking for help. The stress of carrying the world on my shoulders caused an autoimmune disease that may someday leave me totally disabled. That was my wake-up call and I heeded it. I cannot do it all anymore and I HAVE to ask for help. I do not feel guilty for it anymore. I refuse to carry that.

I'm starting to realize that INFP = Type E Personality (Someone who thinks they have to be Everything to Everybody.)

I recognize this as well...my brain insists that it is a kick ass TJ, but then my body lets me know I am not quite up to my TJ aspirations and I have gotten ill as a result. I wish I was an NTJ as they can do pretty much anything. :)

I so relate to everything in the OP. I could've written that!

I am learning that, despite my intense need for self-sufficiency, there are times when I straight up need help. And there are people (lots of them, it seems) who genuinely don't see it. And if they genuinely don't see it, I can't exactly be mad at them for that...or I shouldn't be, at least.

I agree with [MENTION=9486]gromit[/MENTION] that people like and need to feel needed. I know i've certainly derived significant satisfaction from being that person who can step in and give someone what they needed. And it's good to know who you can really count on when the chips are down.

I understand all of this in principle...but I still hate needing help. :dry:
YES to the bolded!!

I agree with both yourself and Gromit in that I love to help people-I love to be able to help them in their time of need....but to turn the tables and be the person in need is so ....argh!!
 

sculpting

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I've never really had trouble with this at all, actually. Maybe when I was younger and cannot remember..

I tend to not ask for things that aren't necessary in the first place.. if I need help with something, the word 'need' is key and necessary and essential tasks don't really have luxuries like reservations. I'm quite generous when it comes to friends and family, and since I don't take advantage of their kindness it puts me in a rather easy position emotionally to set myself up for success regarding asking for assistance.

My 17 yo son is an enfp and his perspective is very much like yours....I think because I grew up in an environment of "scarcity" I didnt feel as though I had those others to ask for help-or when I did ask, it was filled with emotional bribery and even a touch of emotional vampirism?? (if that makes sense). Part of the reason my INTJ DIL can help is he does so in an almost non-emotive way...he just steps in and does things with no strings attached..

I suspect my notion of "need" may be calibrated incorrectly...

What I have trouble with, though, is the idea of letting people into my personal space. I recently asked for help from a friend because I trusted him and had no other choice, but I struggled with asking not because I was worried about him helping me or not, or because I was embarrassed... but simply because I would have to explain the situation and allow him into my personal, private matters. The situation called for it. I wasn't really thrilled about that...

yes, this makes me cringe...
 

sculpting

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Jan 28, 2009
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I've never really had trouble with this at all, actually. Maybe when I was younger and cannot remember..

I tend to not ask for things that aren't necessary in the first place.. if I need help with something, the word 'need' is key and necessary and essential tasks don't really have luxuries like reservations. I'm quite generous when it comes to friends and family, and since I don't take advantage of their kindness it puts me in a rather easy position emotionally to set myself up for success regarding asking for assistance.

My 17 yo son is an enfp and his perspective is very much like yours....I think because I grew up in an environment of "scarcity" I didnt feel as though I had those others to ask for help-or when I did ask, it was filled with emotional bribery and even a touch of emotional vampirism?? (if that makes sense). Part of the reason my INTJ DIL can help is he does so in an almost non-emotive way...he just steps in and does things with no strings attached..

I suspect my notion of "need" may be calibrated incorrectly...

What I have trouble with, though, is the idea of letting people into my personal space. I recently asked for help from a friend because I trusted him and had no other choice, but I struggled with asking not because I was worried about him helping me or not, or because I was embarrassed... but simply because I would have to explain the situation and allow him into my personal, private matters. The situation called for it. I wasn't really thrilled about that...

yes, this makes me cringe...
 

highlander

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I can relate, I am fiercely independent, I do not want to depend upon another for my existence.

Knowing your own limits is an important life skill. Admitting those limits does not indicate a lack of competence - it shows awareness and humility and that a person values the outcome more than their own pride.

I really identify with these points.

On the one hand, I am an extremely independent person. On the other hand, I realized somewhere along the way that we simply can't do everything ourselves. It's impossible. A key catalyst for all of this was my work. As I started managing people, I was forced to ask people to help. At the beginning, I was arrogant enough to think I could do things better than others in a significant majority of situations and it was uncomfortable for me to ask others to help. It felt like some kind of "compromise" because they wouldn't do as good of a job as I would. It was demeaning to them because I didn't appreciate their contribution enough or didn't know how to coach or direct them. It was a painful transition because at the beginning, I don't think I was very good at it, but I quickly was forced into the realization that there are a lot of things that others did well that I didn't do so well and that it was a lot easier and more effective to operate this way. Once I got used to delegating, I struggled then with how I best could contribute personally vs. delegating everything and on the other hand, making sure the most important things were getting done. As time went on, I began to figure out where my contributions would be worthwhile and where it was best to stay out of the way. Somewhere along that journey, I also began to realize how I could team better with my peers as well - how to realize what they were good at, what I was good at, and collaborate effectively. It's still something I work on in all honesty. Pride and fear sometimes get in my way.

As much as INTJs pride themselves on how independent they are, to some extent, the concept is a bit of a myth. We are all interdependent whether we like it or not. The one thing INTJs do realize is where we lack competence. We know what we don't know. What we are not always as good at is what to do with that knowledge. It doesn't necessarily mean you entirely walk away.
 
G

garbage

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Yup. Part of it is a lack of truly reliable people (plenty of people, but I have insanely high standards for "reliable"); part of it is my own stubborn insistence and pride and the need to validate my own worth; part is the need for control over my own space; part of it is the IOU factor.

The biggest factor for me, though, is the principle of personal responsibility ("I made my bed, I lie in it") and self-reliance taken to some (possibly stupid) extreme.

Delegation (on the job, etc.) is a related concept. That's much easier for me, possibly because I ensure that my team and I are working toward the same goals.
 
Last edited:

Lux

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I totally identify with your point in the OP. I'll identify with a work perspective though, since that is where I have boundary issues. My job is to basically make sure that everything runs smoothly among many other things, I have to wear a lot of hats in my career. I realized that I had two options: I can either do it all myself and work 80 + hours a week which interferes with my personal life, or, I can delegate to competent people who will do the job correctly.

I started by doing all the work myself, that didn't make me happy, I was stressed and not sleeping, etc. So I realized I needed to find people that I trusted to do what I could do. Problem was I felt bad asking them.. it felt like I was slacking and then I thought they'd look down on me for being needy... and also, I didn't see anyone that had had the experience to do what I had to do.

I started to look at it a different way: I looked at it as an opportunity to replicate myself and to teach someone a new skill to further their career by enhancing their value within the company. I trained and coached people to do what I do how I would do it. So now (over time) I have several people that can do different things to maintain our operations for those times that they need to. The best part is that they feel needed and respected and competent because they are. I realized that people like being needed and trusted. Not that I didn't know that, but it was reinforced. It was a win / win for me, for them, and the company. Is that an option for you, to train hand picked people and teach them a new skill?
 

IZthe411

Carerra Lu
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INTJ
I really identify with these points.

On the one hand, I am an extremely independent person. On the other hand, I realized somewhere along the way that we simply can't do everything ourselves. It's impossible. A key catalyst for all of this was my work. As I started managing people, I was forced to ask people to help. At the beginning, I was arrogant enough to think I could do things better than others in a significant majority of situations and it was uncomfortable for me to ask others to help. It felt like some kind of "compromise" because they wouldn't do as good of a job as I would. It was demeaning to them because I didn't appreciate their contribution enough or didn't know how to coach or direct them. It was a painful transition because at the beginning, I don't think I was very good at it, but I quickly was forced into the realization that there are a lot of things that others did well that I didn't do so well and that it was a lot easier and more effective to operate this way. Once I got used to delegating, I struggled then with how I best could contribute personally vs. delegating everything and on the other hand, making sure the most important things were getting done. As time went on, I began to figure out where my contributions would be worthwhile and where it was best to stay out of the way. Somewhere along that journey, I also began to realize how I could team better with my peers as well - how to realize what they were good at, what I was good at, and collaborate effectively. It's still something I work on in all honesty. Pride and fear sometimes get in my way.

As much as INTJs pride themselves on how independent they are, to some extent, the concept is a bit of a myth. We are all interdependent whether we like it or not. The one thing INTJs do realize is where we lack competence. We know what we don't know. What we are not always as good at is what to do with that knowledge. It doesn't necessarily mean you entirely walk away.


Excellent points....

I'm in the same boat- at work and professionally. I've realized the win-win of 'relying' on others, especially when it's their strength and pleasure to help you- even if it's done on their terms.
 

The Great One

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As much as I like to be independent, I am now taking a statistics course in college. That's pretty much cured me of being afraid to ask for help.
 

Z Buck McFate

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I think because I grew up in an environment of "scarcity" I didnt feel as though I had those others to ask for help-or when I did ask, it was filled with emotional bribery and even a touch of emotional vampirism?? (if that makes sense). Part of the reason my INTJ DIL can help is he does so in an almost non-emotive way...he just steps in and does things with no strings attached..

Personally, this is my own biggest obstacle with asking for help. If it’s in a work environment and it’s understood that it’s part of someone’s job to help when I ask for it, then I’m not quite as reluctant because I can compartmentalize and not really need co-workers to like me (I need to be seen as reasonable, but I can cope okay with ‘curmudgeonly’). But on a personal level, I’m not comfortable with asking for help until I’ve observed enough about the person to see whether or not they attach some kind of obligation when they help people. Some people attach really bizarre strings when they help you, without realizing it isn’t ‘common sense’- and then they take out their aggression (when those expectations aren’t met, they feel taken for granted for having helped you in the first place) in weird ways. I’d rather just do things myself if there’s the slightest chance the other person will feel like I owe them *something* (which is not made explicit, but somehow supposed to be *understood*). I have to trust that someone is aware enough of this kind of thing going on in themselves- that they can be straightforward if asked about it- before I trust them enough to ask for their help.

eta: Outside of this^ though, I also have a hard time balancing what I personally consider an ‘interruption’ with the way other people process information and I end up with something that kinda backfires on me. It agitates me when someone asks for help just because I don’t appear outwardly busy- as if being physically busy is an accurate way to assess whether or not I’m presently engaged with something. In a perfect world where everyone thinks like me- when someone isn’t so engaged with some internal task that they can help, they notice other people having a heftier workload and offer to assist (or just ask if they need assistance when/where windows of opportunity are open)…..that way I never have to worry about ‘interrupting’ their thought process, because I tend to project the same desire to not be ‘interrupted’ in other people. But then I’m left in an awkward position when I can’t tell if they aren’t helping me (or haven’t offered to help) because they’re distracted with something going on in their head or if they aren’t helping simply because they don’t operate like me and would be more than willing but need to be explicitly asked. So I can relate to this:

There is some notion that if they see I am doing a task and I need help, they will help share part of the burden without my having to ask. They will not only offer, but insist to help. But if I have to ask, then likely they did not want to help in the first place and I am putting a burden on them by asking or getting a favor to which I will owe them something for it....like helping has turned into a system of bartering, when it should be one of giving.... If I have to actually ask, then I sometimes feel even resentful-why should I have to ask for help when it is obvious that I need help?

There’s a sort of dance involved in getting used to people, and this^ frustration is part of it, where I slowly pick up on the extent to which I need to be explicit about certain things vs. which things are understood. Once a precedent is set with someone it gets much easier to get things done around them.
 
G

Glycerine

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Same here. Sometimes it is just better to ask for help to stop the shit from hitting the fan because a little help here and there diffuses or halts "the straw that broke the camel's back" type situations where things seem to fall apart. The hard part can be knowing exactly when and occasionally how one needs the help. At least for me, there is a sense of vulnerability and loss of control that I hate when I ask for help.
 
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