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  1. #1
    Senior Member sculpting's Avatar
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    Default I HATE asking for help....

    Does anyone else have this problem?

    I really, really hate having to ask for help from others. Not ask their opinion or their feedback, but actually having to ask them to do something for me.

    The feeling is that I should be able to do all of my work myself and that if I cant, I need to work harder. It also feels like I am imposing a huge burden on the other person by asking them to do something for me...if I have been given the work, I am responsible for completing it.

    There is some notion that if they see I am doing a task and I need help, they will help share part of the burden without my having to ask. They will not only offer, but insist to help. But if I have to ask, then likely they did not want to help in the first place and I am putting a burden on them by asking or getting a favor to which I will owe them something for it....like helping has turned into a system of bartering, when it should be one of giving.... If I have to actually ask, then I sometimes feel even resentful-why should I have to ask for help when it is obvious that I need help?

    There is also some notion that if I am forced to ask for help, then the other people around me are not working towards the same goals as myself or they would have seen the importance of the goals...thus I feel like a lone ranger who needs to shoulder the burdens alone...almost like they do not value the same goals as me...

    I recognize this is all types of goof-ball and likely has something to do with my childhood and getting the electricity turned off a few too many times. As a result, the only person who ever gets to help me much is my type 8 INTJ dad-in-law who just forces his way into the situation and does things without asking. I am learning to communicate this to my ESTJ boss, so she is starting to give me subordinates to take some amount of the work, but I even feel kinda bad dumping work on them.

    Do other people experience this sort of feeling? What is a more normal approach to asking/receiving help from others?

  2. #2
    WALMART
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    I'd sooner quadruple over my work before I ask for help, most times. It sucks, but I'm getting better.


    I think I expect to be noticed I need help or something.

  3. #3
    Phantonym
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    Quote Originally Posted by Orobas View Post
    It also feels like I am imposing a huge burden on the other person by asking them to do something for me
    This I can definitely identify with. I also dislike depending on others to do something for me.

    I can't really claim that it's a problem for me at the moment, even though it has been in the past. Because right now I'm rarely in a situation where I feel the need to do so. And I do my best to avoid such situations. I guess for me it's something to do with pride, maybe. And the desire to appear strong and independent.

    There is some notion that if they see I am doing a task and I need help, they will help share part of the burden without my having to ask. They will not only offer, but insist to help. But if I have to ask, then likely they did not want to help in the first place and I am putting a burden on them by asking or getting a favor to which I will owe them something for it....like helping has turned into a system of bartering, when it should be one of giving.... If I have to actually ask, then I sometimes feel even resentful-why should I have to ask for help when it is obvious that I need help?
    Some people really don't notice such things. So it's not obvious to them. Or if they do, they just assume that if you needed help you'd ask for it.

    There is also some notion that if I am forced to ask for help, then the other people around me are not working towards the same goals as myself or they would have seen the importance of the goals...thus I feel like a lone ranger who needs to shoulder the burdens alone...almost like they do not value the same goals as me...
    About the bolded. It's possible that they actually don't value those same goals. It depends on their motivation to do their job. But you're also not responsible for what they value or not. You have your own job to do and if it's important to you to do it the best you can, then that's all you can do. But within reason. You can't be a martyr and take on the responsibility for everything.

    What is a more normal approach to asking/receiving help from others?
    I guess it helps to get into a mindset that since, in particular in a work environment, you're working in a team. And it's also normal for the whole team to help out when needed. Everybody has strenghts and weaknesses, but it all starts from asking for help.

  4. #4
    likes this gromit's Avatar
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    I can relate, I am fiercely independent, I do not want to depend upon another for my existence.

    However, it has been my experience that people are very willing to lend a hand where they are qualified. People like to feel needed and useful. They often simply do not realize that you could use the assistance unless you SPEAK. Growing up with a parent who never asked for help from anyone, expected everyone to read her mind as to her needs, becoming resentful when they did not... made me realize that people do not always know what you need. And it's unfair to expect that and then hold it against them when they cannot. It's like that stereotypical relationship where the woman expects the man to read her mind. If you really loved me, you would know what I want without me having to ask!

    Knowing your own limits is an important life skill. Admitting those limits does not indicate a lack of competence - it shows awareness and humility and that a person values the outcome more than their own pride.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by gromit View Post
    Knowing your own limits is an important life skill. Admitting those limits does not indicate a lack of competence - it shows awareness and humility and that a person values the outcome more than their own pride.
    Agree completely!

    I used to struggle with asking for help. The stress of carrying the world on my shoulders caused an autoimmune disease that may someday leave me totally disabled. That was my wake-up call and I heeded it. I cannot do it all anymore and I HAVE to ask for help. I do not feel guilty for it anymore. I refuse to carry that.

    I'm starting to realize that INFP = Type E Personality (Someone who thinks they have to be Everything to Everybody.)

  6. #6
    ndovjtjcaqidthi
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    I don't talk to people at all..

  7. #7
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
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    I've never really had trouble with this at all, actually. Maybe when I was younger and cannot remember..

    I tend to not ask for things that aren't necessary in the first place.. if I need help with something, the word 'need' is key and necessary and essential tasks don't really have luxuries like reservations. I'm quite generous when it comes to friends and family, and since I don't take advantage of their kindness it puts me in a rather easy position emotionally to set myself up for success regarding asking for assistance.

    What I have trouble with, though, is the idea of letting people into my personal space. I recently asked for help from a friend because I trusted him and had no other choice, but I struggled with asking not because I was worried about him helping me or not, or because I was embarrassed... but simply because I would have to explain the situation and allow him into my personal, private matters. The situation called for it. I wasn't really thrilled about that...
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  8. #8

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    I so relate to everything in the OP. I could've written that!

    I am learning that, despite my intense need for self-sufficiency, there are times when I straight up need help. And there are people (lots of them, it seems) who genuinely don't see it. And if they genuinely don't see it, I can't exactly be mad at them for that...or I shouldn't be, at least.

    I agree with @gromit that people like and need to feel needed. I know i've certainly derived significant satisfaction from being that person who can step in and give someone what they needed. And it's good to know who you can really count on when the chips are down.

    I understand all of this in principle...but I still hate needing help.

  9. #9
    Senior Member sculpting's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Phantonym View Post
    Some people really don't notice such things. So it's not obvious to them. Or if they do, they just assume that if you needed help you'd ask for it.
    Totally understood logically, but internally the feeling still can remain...dumb Fi. It is a projective error on my part.

    Quote Originally Posted by Phantonym View Post
    About the bolded. It's possible that they actually don't value those same goals. It depends on their motivation to do their job. But you're also not responsible for what they value or not. You have your own job to do and if it's important to you to do it the best you can, then that's all you can do. But within reason. You can't be a martyr and take on the responsibility for everything.
    But I tend to (stupidly) assume I should be the martyr...I would never ask anyone else to do the amount I do-it would be unfair, yet I feel like I have failed if I cant complete the work...I tend to turn work into a value based mission, then feel if it fails, I failed...This means I work with intense passion and dedication, but I also have issues saying no to additional work. Accomplishing the goal becomes the most important thing. I can get very frustrated with those in my life who cant "see" the value in all my extra work...not fair to them, I know.

    Recognizing my own Fi leads me to be dumb, likely based on some fear of abandonment if I fail, I have actually started using project plans and doing long term scoping (Te) to justify to myself that I really do need help-then it becomes an easy thing to request more resources from my boss as I can point to my data and not to me. She is an ESTJ, so this seems to work for her and she gives me whatever I ask for.

    Quote Originally Posted by Phantonym View Post
    I guess it helps to get into a mindset that since, in particular in a work environment, you're working in a team. And it's also normal for the whole team to help out when needed. Everybody has strengths and weaknesses, but it all starts from asking for help.
    But do you not feel guilty for dumping more work on their already full plates?


    Quote Originally Posted by gromit View Post
    Knowing your own limits is an important life skill. Admitting those limits does not indicate a lack of competence - it shows awareness and humility and that a person values the outcome more than their own pride.
    hmm, this doesnt feel like pride...maybe it is, I dunno. It isnt that I feel I can do anything or am cool...more like I feel I MUST do everything. I have gotten so used to being able to forge through whatever challenges I face...everytime it seems insurmountable I just keep plowing on and then I find I actually did it....then I am filled with kick-ass yippie and I seek out even bigger challenges-like I am hungry to take on even bigger and bigger things. So then I just assume I should be able to do pretty much anything, and then am just being lazy for asking for help....yet am resentful for not getting help...egads what a cranky, cantankerous creature I am being.. Thank you for helping me think out loud on this one Gromit!

    Quote Originally Posted by PrincessButtercup View Post
    Agree completely!

    I used to struggle with asking for help. The stress of carrying the world on my shoulders caused an autoimmune disease that may someday leave me totally disabled. That was my wake-up call and I heeded it. I cannot do it all anymore and I HAVE to ask for help. I do not feel guilty for it anymore. I refuse to carry that.

    I'm starting to realize that INFP = Type E Personality (Someone who thinks they have to be Everything to Everybody.)
    I recognize this as well...my brain insists that it is a kick ass TJ, but then my body lets me know I am not quite up to my TJ aspirations and I have gotten ill as a result. I wish I was an NTJ as they can do pretty much anything.

    Quote Originally Posted by metalmommy View Post
    I so relate to everything in the OP. I could've written that!

    I am learning that, despite my intense need for self-sufficiency, there are times when I straight up need help. And there are people (lots of them, it seems) who genuinely don't see it. And if they genuinely don't see it, I can't exactly be mad at them for that...or I shouldn't be, at least.

    I agree with @gromit that people like and need to feel needed. I know i've certainly derived significant satisfaction from being that person who can step in and give someone what they needed. And it's good to know who you can really count on when the chips are down.

    I understand all of this in principle...but I still hate needing help.
    YES to the bolded!!

    I agree with both yourself and Gromit in that I love to help people-I love to be able to help them in their time of need....but to turn the tables and be the person in need is so ....argh!!

  10. #10
    Senior Member sculpting's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kyuuei View Post
    I've never really had trouble with this at all, actually. Maybe when I was younger and cannot remember..

    I tend to not ask for things that aren't necessary in the first place.. if I need help with something, the word 'need' is key and necessary and essential tasks don't really have luxuries like reservations. I'm quite generous when it comes to friends and family, and since I don't take advantage of their kindness it puts me in a rather easy position emotionally to set myself up for success regarding asking for assistance.
    My 17 yo son is an enfp and his perspective is very much like yours....I think because I grew up in an environment of "scarcity" I didnt feel as though I had those others to ask for help-or when I did ask, it was filled with emotional bribery and even a touch of emotional vampirism?? (if that makes sense). Part of the reason my INTJ DIL can help is he does so in an almost non-emotive way...he just steps in and does things with no strings attached..

    I suspect my notion of "need" may be calibrated incorrectly...

    Quote Originally Posted by kyuuei View Post
    What I have trouble with, though, is the idea of letting people into my personal space. I recently asked for help from a friend because I trusted him and had no other choice, but I struggled with asking not because I was worried about him helping me or not, or because I was embarrassed... but simply because I would have to explain the situation and allow him into my personal, private matters. The situation called for it. I wasn't really thrilled about that...
    yes, this makes me cringe...

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