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Thread: How to get a pissed off ENFJ to listen?

  1. #1
    Junior Member Array
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    Jul 2012
    3w4 sx/so

    Default How to get a pissed off ENFJ to listen?

    Sorry if the topic title sounds a bit rude, but its nearly 2am here and I am in a rush to bed. Long story short: an ENFJ is severly pissed off at me without understanding the full story. It wasn't her fault- her conclusion, given how much info she had back then, was a perfectly logical one. However, it was never the truth and it had been a long time since she had made her final "judgement" about me and it doesn't look like her opinion is going to change anytime soon (believe me when I say I have tried "waiting it out" so that she can "cool off"). Hence, I feel that it is unfair of her to ignore me any further and that I should have the chance by now to explain my side of events to her.

    The easiest way of course is a good talk between us. However, her friends tells me she disliked face to face confrontations (including these types of events) so I don't know what to do now. She and I both aren't that great at expressing our emotions either (we come off as kind of awkward or unclear) so I was thinking more on the lines on a letter maybe?

    Really, I have heard that you guys like to "sweep problems under the rug" (no offence) and this seems like the perfect display.

    Nevertheless, what should I do now? Should I respect her wishes and not talk to her directly? Should I barge in anyways? What are the chances she'll actually read something from someone she already dismisses in real life?


  2. #2
    So tired... Array Amargith's Avatar
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    Nov 2008
    4dw sx/so
    IEx None


    Try a letter. She'll be too curious not to read it, and she can digest it in private. After that, let her come to you and give her time to process. Dont pressure for contact, let her come to you. Or, if you happen to come across, talk about *anything* but the letter, being silly or asking her help on a totally unrelated matter. Let her bring it up, if at all (as it will be a hard thing to do). Remind her of why she likes you...entertain her as only an ENTP can

  3. #3
    wants Mifune clone minion Array Z Buck McFate's Avatar
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    Aug 2009
    5w4 sx/sp


    Quote Originally Posted by Katriona1992 View Post

    Really, I have heard that you guys like to "sweep problems under the rug" (no offence) and this seems like the perfect display.
    I can see how it seems this way to other people, but ime the saner ENFJs don’t ‘sweep things under the rug’ so much as they don’t try to find immediate resolution. And the reason for that is because talk is cheap and actual resolution- whether or not to give someone another chance, deciding whether or to believe they are telling the truth, etc- is contingent on what they observe in consequent experiences of that person far more than anything that person has to say in the moment.

    I agree with what Amargith wrote, and would stress the part about not getting pushy about it. If you write a letter and then let her come to her own conclusions at her own pace, you’re chances will be better than if you’re at all pushy about her believing you. I think this is something that some extraverted perception dominant & auxiliary types can get impatient about- but it takes longer for introverted perception types to clean this kind of stuff out of our system. When people get pushy with me about resolving something, I often end up writing them off- not because I decided to ‘sweep it under the rug’ or because I came to some definite negative conclusion, but because it seemed like they needed me to process it all faster than I am capable of processing it so I’ll write it off as an irreconcilable difference.
    Reality is a collective hunch. -Lily Tomlin

    5w4 sx/sp Johari / Nohari

  4. #4
    Senior Member Array Neutralpov's Avatar
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    Jun 2009
    1w2 so/sx


    All good responses so far. Just be prepared that she may throw the letter out and don't take it personal ( I have done that especially if I wasn't ready to hear the topic). I know it doesn't make sense but sometimes our decisions once fully circumspect can't be snapped into something new and undone. I can have new information and understand intellectually how I should be able to revert to the friendship or right state of relation with the person but the decision being made leaves an imprint or is so strong it can't be washed out. I can become more formal with the person than before. Enneagram 1/2wing though. Don't know if that makes sense making decisions can leave psychological impressions that can't be undone or made into something else easily like clay, especially with people and relations. I know my skill in reading them and am aware that most people don't see it or understand it.
    Extroverted (E) 67.74% Introverted (I) 32.26%
    Intuitive (N) 51.72% Sensing (S) 48.28%
    Feeling (F) 51.61% Thinking (T) 48.39%
    Judging (J) 69.44% Perceiving (P) 30.56%

    Type 1 Perfectionism |||||||||||||||||||| 83%

  5. #5
    The Black Knight Array Domino's Avatar
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    Nov 2007
    4w3 sx/so
    eNFJ Ni


    If you matter to me, I *will* get back to you, even if you hurt me or put me off badly.

    I respond well to a quiet "Please, let me tell you my side". Hearing a person out - 99% of the time - is not too much to ask of anyone.

    I would probably respond well to a letter as well. That would give me time and place to choose when I could and how I would assimilate the information. Giving an NFJ time to formulate an opinion is without price. It can't be hurried or overwhelmed.

    I hope she hears you out. Best of luck.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
    Neutral Good
    EII-Fi subtype, Ethical/Empath, Delta/Beta
    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
    AIS Holland code
    Researcher: VDI-P

  6. #6
    Lungs & Lips Locked Array Unkindloving's Avatar
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    Dec 2009


    I'd go with a letter or a message.
    For me, it's hard for people to communicate with me and be in the right if I am pissed. The way they choose to say things and what they say will be picked apart, and any ounce of character nit-picking will cause me to further fume. This isn't to say that an ENFJ who has caused issues or perpetuated issues in a matter should be left to blindly believe they haven't, but I really think the initial approach is a delicate thing. From my experience, I am liable to find my own conclusion about my part in something and my faults in the matter if someone isn't trying to communicate them to me when I am aggro.
    It's a bit of a "The hell do you think you know?" complex, and it is biting. After a delicate handling and once we have opened ourselves back up and put the claws away is a good time to bring up anything directly related to us as who we are
    Hang on traveling woman - Don't sacrifice your plan
    Cause it will come back to you - Before you lose it on the man

    .:: DWTWD ::.

    2011 TypeC Exercise Challenge - My Weekly Goals: Cardio 4x. Yoga/Pilates 1x. Pushups 70.

    There is this thing keeping everyone's lungs and lips locked - It is called fear and it's seeing a great renaissance

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