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  1. #1
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    Question ENFJ and ISTP--how can that work?

    I've read this can be a good match, but don't understand it. Understand the complementary qualities stuff, but how can an ENFJ need for verbal and other validation work in the context of the ISTP hesitancy to give emotional feedback? ENFJ = let me throw it all out there and ISTP = let me throw little out there emotionally. How does that work?

  2. #2
    Senior Member Griffi97's Avatar
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    My sister is an ENFJ, married to an ISTP. I would say, in short, that it doesn't work... They both seem pretty miserable. He's basically a good guy, but he admits he's all about himself. She nags him constantly and doesn't seem to have any of her basic needs satisfied. Not pretty to be around, very sad, especially because they have a 4 year old little girl.
    If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.
    -Henry David Thoreau

  3. #3
    Guerilla Urbanist Brendan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by grendiecat View Post
    ISTP = let me throw little out there emotionally. How does that work?
    Lol. It certainly won't work if you take that approach.
    There is no such thing as separation from God.

  4. #4
    Senior Member chris1207's Avatar
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    The idea is that each of them is supposed to step outside of their comfort zone just a little so that they can understand someone completely unlike themselves. Love is suppose to provide a bigger comfort zone for such understanding to occur. That's how it supposed to happen anyway!

    Any ENFJ's here date an INTP BTW? Keirsey says it's an awesome combo but I can't say I've ever been cognoscent of a girl who was an INTP. Sure it's not ISTP but it's close.

    Also, I have a friend who's an INTJ who's involved with an ESFP. Maybe I'll get into that later on in this topic. Later

  5. #5
    Guerilla Urbanist Brendan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by chris1207 View Post
    The idea is that each of them is supposed to step outside of their comfort zone just a little so that they can understand someone completely unlike themselves. Love is suppose to provide a bigger comfort zone for such understanding to occur. That's how it supposed to happen anyway!

    Any ENFJ's here date an INTP BTW? Keirsey says it's an awesome combo but I can't say I've ever been cognoscent of a girl who was an INTP. Sure it's not ISTP but it's close.

    Also, I have a friend who's an INTJ who's involved with an ESFP. Maybe I'll get into that later on in this topic. Later
    One of my closest friends is an INTP. When we work towards understanding eachother, we get along great.
    There is no such thing as separation from God.

  6. #6
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by chris1207 View Post
    The idea is that each of them is supposed to step outside of their comfort zone just a little so that they can understand someone completely unlike themselves. Love is suppose to provide a bigger comfort zone for such understanding to occur. That's how it supposed to happen anyway!

    Any ENFJ's here date an INTP BTW? Keirsey says it's an awesome combo but I can't say I've ever been cognoscent of a girl who was an INTP. Sure it's not ISTP but it's close.

    Also, I have a friend who's an INTJ who's involved with an ESFP. Maybe I'll get into that later on in this topic. Later
    Then you've come to the right place. We have INTP gals galore. Rowdy bunch.

    Yes I've dated INTPs.

    And as to the original question, yes I've dated ISTPs. You have to get the right kind though. The way I see it, most personality types are divided into two groups: the curious and the incurious. The incurious of any type makes a boring, sedative or worst case, destructive/selfish relationship. You will never ever be able to get them past their personal threshold. The curious type will venture forth and really get into you, and doesn't see his/her backyard as the be-all/end-all.

    I will say this: If you're an N and you date an S, please be advised that this person's views and perceptions are just as valid as yours, and trying to make them "N" is going to be an action greatly resented. Vice versa. If you go out to date your shadow, keep that in the front of your mind, and be aware that you'll ALWAYS have to be open in order to make the relationship work. If you're not comfortable being that exposed, don't do it. If you are, then God bless you both.
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  7. #7
    Controlled Mischief StephMC's Avatar
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    Phew... absolutely no way. My ENFJ brother have fought like cats and dogs since day 1. So our relationship now basically consists of my avoiding him and not opening my mouth if he's anywhere near me just to dodge the potential fight (that goes no where). Also, there's an ENFJ in my group of friends... while we get along on the surface, I really struggle being around him... and I'm pretty flexible with most types of people. I'm not sure how he feels, but I'm sure I'm not on the top of his list of people to date either.

    Maybe it works better with an ISTP guy and an ENFJ girl? Not sure, but I really don't think it works for an ISTP girl and ENFJ guy...

  8. #8
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    I think the male-female energy balance is important, and as you point out, doesn't always work as well both ways.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
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    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  9. #9
    Senior Member mwv6r's Avatar
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    Hello, I posted the previous thread on opposites and according to that guy's research (website LoveType), there are gender constraints with most pairings but ISTP+ENFJ is a rare pairing that does not have gender constraints. Male ISTP + female ENFJ or female ISTP + male ENFJ are supposed to both have high rates of success. (See LoveTypes ISTP Love Tips). In contrast, with most other types the success rates are higher when the female is the F and the male is the T (at least according to this research). For example, female INFJ + male ESTP is supposed to work but not vice versa. (This book is pretty old though, I wonder if as gender roles become more progressive, gender will be less of a factor; i.e., men and women will become more comfortable with males who are more nurturing and females who are less nurturing.)

    Theoretically, I would actually picture female ISTP + male ENFJ working better, because I think that in many personality types in which feeling is in the third or fourth position, females of the type often have less of a hard edge than males of the type simply because women are typically socialized to take on some feeler traits regardless of whether they are naturally F or T. Male ISTP + female ENFJ seems like it would be a wider chasm to cross.

    Having said all that, my sister is an ISTP, I'm an INFJ, and for years we fought like cats and dogs. Recently we have gotten along better but still aren't close. I'm just extroversion away from being an ENFJ, and I have a lot of trouble imagining dating someone similar to my sister, and I'm sure she'd say the same of me. ISTPs have many wonderful traits (child-like enjoyment of life, athleticism, natural curiosity, mechanical dexterity, humor, etc.), but I would picture NFs in general and ENFJs/INFJs in particular having trouble with the emotional-unavailability piece.... I'm very curious to read success stories though. Obviously it's working for some people.

    One more thought -- I date an ESTP and that does work very well. That's only extroversion away from being an ISTP. So maybe for ENFJs the pieces end up falling together well for a good match with the ISTP. For ESTPs feeling is tertiary whereas for ISTPs feeling is in the fourth position (their blindspot). I know that my ESTP partner often seems baffled by other people's emotionality and sensitivity, perhaps even as baffled by those things as is my ISTP sister. But the difference is that since he's an extrovert he gets more practice playing the "feeling game" than she does. Sometimes he'll come home from work and proudly tell me about how a customer was giving a sob story about something or another and he felt very little empathy but successfully pretended to empathize. The ISTP would probably be less inclined to feign empathy for the sake of social etiquette. Also, although my ESTP has his thinker persona on most of the time, there are moments when he is a big softie and will get teary eyed at sad movies or be very romantic (tertiary feeling coming through?). I wonder if many ISTPs have similar moments? (Haven't observed anything similar with my ISTP sister, although I know that doesn't mean it doesn't exist.)

  10. #10
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Not to hi-jack....but what about an INFP female and ISTP male?
    Particularly if the female tests high on thinking for an INFP and the male seems to have a well-developed Fe?
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

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