But I'm always there for him emotionally, especially in the last three years where he is battling depression and stress. I always listen, and I always try to help him plan. He discusses his work with me and I really listen and think about it and give feedback. In the last three weeks or so we talked about literally nothing but his work. I think I'm being supportive and understanding.
I know he usually lashes out and says hurtful things when he is under stress. He can get into a very dark mood where he proclaims that he hates everything and the world hates him. When he is stressed he is emotionally closed off and I can forget trying to talk to him about anything. Even when I have problems, he isn't even willing to listen. Then afterwards sometimes he will feel sorry. He wil apologize. He does try. It's just that when he is stressed out he is so overwhelmed by negative emotions and thoughts there is no room for anything and anyone.
I used to be really, really hurt by all this. Usually if he said something to suggest that I was 'selfish', I would feel extremely hurt. This time, initially it did have that effect, and I just couldn't sleep for several days. Last night we had a chance to talk about it, and I finally had a chance to tell him how I felt and why. He listened, but said nothing, and steered the conversation into something a little lighter. I could tell he was still very depressed.
Then tonight I had a thought. I realized something that should be very obvious: I don't need to feel hurt. I know I love him and that's all I need to know. Because of this I should let go of all expectations. My love is mine to give and I will give it freely. I don't expect anything in return. I don't expect him to appreciate it. I don't expect him to treat me nicely. I can choose
not to be hurt.
And suddenly, all the pain was gone. I actually felt happy, and light, and free. We talked again for a little bit and today he avoided the 'conflict' topics. He still said I don't do things for him, and when I asked if he could tell me why he felt that way, he said he didn't know. Then he didn't want to talk anymore. Usually I would be hurt by this, but not now. I even went as far as thinking how I would feel if he did not want the relationship anymore and I imagined us going our separate ways. It made me feel a little wistful, but there was no real pain.
I think I know why he said such a thing but I'll start with a little (true) story first. There was one time he was in my room. We were doing a mini spring-cleaning, and he saw a postcard sent to me long time ago by one of my guy friends who used to like me. He got extremely jealous and he half-jokingly but quite seriously said he was going to throw it away. I just shrugged and said "Ok.", grabbed it from his hand and was about to toss it into the trash when he said "No. Don't do it!" I asked why and he said "If it doesn't really mean anything to you, then it doesn't matter if you keep it."
I think the same goes for this whole "I do nothing for him" issue. He secretly wants me to 'love him enough that I am willing to give up everything -- my life, my family, my job -- to be with him'. In reality, he is never going to make me do it, but he will feel satisfied that he is that
important to me. The fact that I keep "not doing things" for him, although they are decisions that make sense logically, makes him feel unloved. I totally understand this. I can really sympathize with the need for intense connection. I think he is an sx-dom, and this is the sx's desire for the ultimate union.
So, my questions are:
Am I 'growing' in my love or did I just 'unconsciously extract myself from caring too much because it's too hard'? I'm sure I want to be with him, but I feel like it's not entirely up to me and I can't make
things happen. I'm doing my best to work towards a future (although it feels a bit one-sided), but if it doesn't work out then there is nothing I can do about it. I am trying my best and if he has a better idea about how things can be, I'm all ears. In a way, I feel like I'm freeing myself from responsibility, and it feels great. The fact that it feels great is making me question myself if I really feel that way or is it something I made up to fool myself to mask over the hurt.
Also, how can I help him? How can I make him feel loved? Can you relate to this kind of feeling at all? Does my speculation make sense?
I am a bit confused by my new-found freedom. So, any thoughts at all? Thanks!