@highlander Yes, I suppose my stuff is my stuff and if you spit on it you're supposed to care instead of ignoring it or acting like it's so very normal. It's not. Not in my world and the world of most people in my inner circle.
Why do you think everyone should care about what you care about? /curious, as it kind of sounds like that's what you're saying, although I'm sorry if I'm misreading that.
I think if you let people know how you feel about things and ask them to please respect x, y, or z, that's one thing, and then if they disregard it you can bring it up. But I don't think it's fair to think everyone is going to know about some of your quirks if you've never mentioned it in the past. (and I think a lot of people don't pick up on indirect, subtle hints) Not sure how much of this you do or don't do, just something I was thinking.
As for doorslamming during puberty/early adult years: really, in retrospect most of them weren't very good friends (some even abusive), in some cases we just grew apart. Why would that be a pattern? I hardly know anybody who has many childhood friends actually.
I guess it depends on what you mean by doorslamming, as imo there's a difference between two people more naturally losing touch with each other over time, vs. a more sudden doorslam. But honestly, no need to get into that in this thread... that topic always ends up opening a huge can of worms. But to answer you directly, no, there are a lot of infj's who don't have a history of doorslamming a long series of people - hence I can see @highlander's point about inquiring whether it's a pattern or not.
"...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce
I really don't think all people should be the same or care for the exact same things. I did think that this particular case was rather 'normal' as almost all the people around me think the same about this. Clearly I was wrong. Clearly I need to be assertive about my boundaries. But that was the whole point of this thread in the first place: how to be assertive.
As for the doorslamming: I don't see it as a INFJ thing, but I know it's a thing I've done a few times. You weren't there so you can't judge me for my reasons, but trust me, it was the only right thing to do. I doubt I would sit here today if I hadn't cut those people out of my life.
This whole thread is starting to become a bit of a 'me struggling to be assertive' thing in itself. That's pretty confusing.
@the OP, seriously, the biggest issue, is to grow up, learn to speak and not expect others to know your boundaries just because they know you. It's obnoxious and pointless to allow yourself to get so worked up over someone existing near you, like that. If they don't know what the heck your preferences are, that's your problem, not theirs. You need to learn to communicate with your friend, or just save up to get a hotel room for her to stay in, if it's that much of a problem and you find it too hard to speak to her about something as simple as living space preferences. If she's that much of a friend to you, then this should be easier than you think. She does care about you, yes? I'm not trying to come off condescending, here- I just grow weary of fellow Fe users not taking responsibility for how they emotionally react to things, and people. It sounds like you're at least moving in that direction, & I wish you luck. (I'm not exempt from this, either, but I try to monitor myself on a near-constant basis, to prevent such needless stress.)
Open your mouth, and speak.
In the end, it's all you can/need to do.
Someone did mention hormones at play here, which is also a good point- this is why I mentioned perhaps, if it's that worthwhile a friendship to you, maybe getting her a hotel room (maybe make it sound like a treat for her), next time she visits, or simply be less available until some of that hormonal garbage wears off.. the lines of communication might be a bit more open, in time.
*edit* - I'm of very limited means, so I realize sometimes a hotel room is not viable for some people to opt for, even if they were given time to save up the cash. Until her <3Baby Blinders<3 wear down a bit, you could try to prepare in advance, for her arrival. Even if the kid can't walk yet- buy a baby gate or two at a cheap store, to block off areas where the baby shouldn't be. You don't have to explain why she/he shouldn't be there, & most people, I don't think, would question it. They'd think you were trying to be safe & accommodating for their little bundle of.. joy. Get some of those cheap little plastic blockers for electrical outlets, too, maybe. They're like a dollar. Just makes it look more like you're doing these things for the benefit of your tiny guest, vs protecting your spaces. I don't know if you live in the USA or not, but if you do- providing you save the packaging- you can buy/return all that crap to Walmart, when you're done with it. Then there's no money spent, and perhaps less tension all around.
Just tossing out ideas. I did this for my ISFJ mother when she had a guest visit, with one little boy & two babies. It seemed to help with establishing some semblance of boundaries without having to overtly communicate them, in words, if it's just too hard to approach, in the short-term.
03/23 06:06:58 EcK: lex
03/23 06:06:59 EcK: lex
03/23 06:21:34 Nancynobullets: LEXXX *sacrifices a first born*
03/23 06:21:53 Nancynobullets: We summon yooouuu
03/23 06:29:07 Lexicon: I was sleeping!
04/25 04:20:35 Patches: Don't listen to lex. She wants to birth a litter of kittens. She doesnt get to decide whats creepy
02/16 23:49:38 ygolo: Lex is afk
02/16 23:49:45 Cimarron: she's doing drugs with Jack
03/05 19:27:41 Time: You can't make chat morbid. Lex does it naturally.
By the way, why is my reply to unityemissions edited, while he can still call me an idiotic douchebag and insinuate I'm a stupid bitch?
He did not call you an idiotic douchebag, nor a stupid bitch. Swear words are not against the rules here, and insults are only against the rules here if they are directed at specific members. This is distinct from insulting groups members are a part of, which we do not police (short of the most egregious racial slurs and the like). So "INFJs are such idiotic douchebags!" is not against the rules, but if unityemissions had said "you're just like all the other INFJs, an idiotic douchebag!" then that would have been dealt with as it would have been directed at you specifically. As for the "stupid bitch" portion, while crudely stated, I don't think the woman unityemissions was referring to is a member here. In the absence of a personally directed insult we err on the side of allowing people to reveal their character here.
On the other hand, your reply to unityemissions was directed at him personally, and that's why it was edited.
A link to the FAQ, which details our code of conduct and what's allowed and not in this particular community, can be found here or at the top of any page.
Concerning the mod rules I think I have a different opinion about what language can do to people, but the rules are the rules and I agreed to them when I registered. I don't see any logical difference between All infjs are shit & All chinese people are shit, though, as they are both things one is born with.
As for the thread itself: it is beautifully revealing to me what makes being assertive so difficult for me. To some people I actively need to defend my feelings as they find my personal boundaries weird/invalid and it's tiring. I was vulnerable in opening up and I'm left with all kinds of semi-conflicts. This is upsetting me. My initial reaction is: "I probably wasn't clear enough about my problem, so I should give more info, as they are only trying to help." When that doesn't seem to work or even makes things worse, I don't know what to do anymore. I think maybe agreeing to disagree is really hard for me. Ha, isn't desperately trying to reach consensus a typical INFJ thing?
As for the example about the visiting friend: it was just an example, not the only reason for this thread. And I do know I can't expect people to respect boundaries if you don't tell them to. It's the 'how do I tell them' part that I find so hard and that was the reason to start this thread. How to be assertive.
As for the my stuff is my stuff thing. I've heard that that's different in the USA? That guests can just open the fridge and take something for instance? In my European country that would be totally awkward. In my country guests are supposed to somewhat stay in the same room as the host (except when sleeping over or a large party or going to the bathroom). In my country touching stuff when visiting someone doesn't go any further than carefully browsing cds or books, using the toilet and maybe helping out in the kitchen. It's in our upbringing, every child knows: "Look with your eyes, not your hands"
I don't know about opening someone's fridge ... that is pretty awkward (in my experience), even in the US, unless the guests are good friends of yours (or, obviously, you tell them to--like it's a party and there are cold drinks in there).