User Tag List

First 12

Results 11 to 20 of 20

Thread: Love Languages

  1. #11
    likes this gromit's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Posts
    6,652

    Default

    Yeah I don't think it's that crazy at all @fidelia. Like with MBTI it is much more useful when there is some kind of discrepancy between people that is causing some sort of issue, so you can use it as a tool for why one person isn't feeling loved, or why there are communication issues, etc. and to fix it.

  2. #12
    likes this gromit's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Posts
    6,652

    Default

    Yeah I don't think it's that crazy at all @fidelia. Like with MBTI it is much more useful when there is some kind of discrepancy between people that is causing some sort of issue, so you can use it as a tool for why one person isn't feeling loved, or why there are communication issues, etc. and to fix it.

  3. #13
    Senior Member Survive & Stay Free's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    MBTI
    ESTJ
    Enneagram
    9 so/sx
    Posts
    21,679

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    So I've heard the book recommended often and I've skimmed through it a few times. Is it weird that I can't narrow it down to a primary love language? I want it ALL, baby! While I can recognize that no one can be perfect, I try hard to express love in all of those ways and would hope for the same in a relationship. Is that unrealistic? Maybe this is why even on paper I just can't see being satisfied longterm with any particular personality type!
    Well I do think that personality type, while people usually exhibit a particular type or have a "favourite", is more flexible than I once thought it.

    I dont think that you are being unrealistic, I've read that book and I think that Erich Fromm's Art of Loving is better instead or Falling In Love by Ayala Malach Pines.

    I've read a lot on this topic, its one of my favourite topics to think about. Love, purpose and peace.

  4. #14
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Enneagram
    6w5 sx/sp
    Socionics
    ILI Ni
    Posts
    17,912

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by gromit View Post
    Yeah I don't think it's that crazy at all @fidelia. Like with MBTI it is much more useful when there is some kind of discrepancy between people that is causing some sort of issue, so you can use it as a tool for why one person isn't feeling loved, or why there are communication issues, etc. and to fix it.
    It is useful, however it's a bit easier said than done. My two top ones are physical touch and words of affirmation. They are extremely natural. In one former relationship, I got very good at giving gifts. That was an easy one to master. Quality time is also important to me, so that's not so hard. Acts of service is far more unnatural and not particularly easy for me to get in the habit of doing. Some can only really express one love language well and all the rest are difficult.
    @fidelia and @Z Buck McFate, you're lucky that you are "ambidextrous" like that.

    Please provide feedback on my Nohari and Johari Window by clicking here: Nohari/Johari

    Tri-type 639

  5. #15
    can't handcuff the wind Z Buck McFate's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Enneagram
    5w4 sx/sp
    Posts
    3,692

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by highlander View Post
    fidelia and Z Buck McFate, you're lucky that you are "ambidextrous" like that.
    Yes and no. Because it’s a tendency in people to see others’ reactions as meaning what it would mean if we reacted a certain way ourselves- (and I’m not sure if this is what fid was also getting at or not) it sorta sets me up to interpret other people not being ‘ambidextrous’ as meaning they don’t really care.

    And it does have its limitations; I can only pick up on what makes the other person happy inasmuch as its something I can relate to. If someone has a need that I don’t even begin to relate to, then it’s not going to occur to me to try it out. [In retrospect, I think variant instinct differences have created the biggest divides for me in this regard (me being oblivious to social instinct needs).]
    Reality is a collective hunch. -Lily Tomlin

    5w4 sx/sp Johari / Nohari

  6. #16
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    1w2 so/sx
    Posts
    11,134

    Default

    Hmm - interesting, @ Z Buck. I went to reply and realized that I needed to think it over more. I do think that in a way that ambidextrousness sets me up for expecting more from other people. Maybe sometimes I even do stuff for people because I'd want that for myself and am excited about how nice it will be for them, and then feel disappointed when it seems to go unnoticed. It's not even that I'm trying to say to the person, "Look how nice I am to you and now you owe me some praise for being thoughtful". It's more along the lines of being frustrated that I obviously missed the mark, yet the other person won't give me better information to work with. A lot of my satisfaction in a relationship comes from knowing that I am an active contributor to it and that what I'm doing is what is useful and needed.

    I have discovered the hard way that the Fi people in my life probably feel more awkward or obligated by written words of praise (which I value a lot) and would rather me just bake cookies or something personal/homemadeish without saying anything about them directly. (Might have misinterpreted the why part, but that seems to be the gist of the outcome they'd rather).

    Maybe other people just don't need that barometer of how things are between us like I do. I like to know what the other person values about me. I find it really hard not to always be thinking of how I can make the other person feel loved and valued in turn. The downside is that if they do not feel the same compulsion, things start getting weird and uneven and I feel like the clingy one or that I am expecting something from them, even though that's really not why I did the thing in the first place.

    Redbone and I had an interesting conversation about the F vs T divide. She was saying that she did not understand someone feeling the need to check the temperature of the relationship all the time and needing feedback to indicate all was well. However for someone like me (maybe it's Ni?), it just helps me incredibly to get some kind of feedback that the other person is happy and feels loved (and in turn also loves me). When that is not given, too many possibilities arise in my mind for why that is and then I have difficulty choosing a course of action. I become much more hoverey than I am by nature (which I'm sure is annoying and makes me despise myself), and they become less demonstrative in response.

    Because relationships with people are where a lot of my time and energy goes (and usually it's a small circle of people who are in my inner circle), I guess I'd compare it to checking on how your investments are doing. It's not that you believe the money or stock has vanished, but you'd like to know where to invest more or less or how you can best make it grow. For me, those different love languages are a way of doing that, so when others don't seem to do those things, it feels that they are not very invested, when that may not be the case at all. I guess I'm just trying to calibrate what normal is for most people and also what their expectations are as well.

  7. #17
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Enneagram
    4 so/sp
    Posts
    6,932

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Maybe other people just don't need that barometer of how things are between us like I do. I like to know what the other person values about me. I find it really hard not to always be thinking of how I can make the other person feel loved and valued in turn. The downside is that if they do not feel the same compulsion, things start getting weird and uneven and I feel like the clingy one or that I am expecting something from them, even though that's really not why I did the thing in the first place.

    Redbone and I had an interesting conversation about the F vs T divide. She was saying that she did not understand someone feeling the need to check the temperature of the relationship all the time and needing feedback to indicate all was well. However for someone like me (maybe it's Ni?), it just helps me incredibly to get some kind of feedback that the other person is happy and feels loved (and in turn also loves me). When that is not given, too many possibilities arise in my mind for why that is and then I have difficulty choosing a course of action. I become much more hoverey than I am by nature (which I'm sure is annoying and makes me despise myself), and they become less demonstrative in response.

    Because relationships with people are where a lot of my time and energy goes (and usually it's a small circle of people who are in my inner circle), I guess I'd compare it to checking on how your investments are doing. It's not that you believe the money or stock has vanished, but you'd like to know where to invest more or less or how you can best make it grow. For me, those different love languages are a way of doing that, so when others don't seem to do those things, it feels that they are not very invested, when that may not be the case at all. I guess I'm just trying to calibrate what normal is for most people and also what their expectations are as well.
    For me, any element of 'checking in' has a lot to do with my not wanting the relationship to enter that stasis/comfort stage that relationships so easily can enter if neither person continues to actively attend to the relationship/ makes sure it never gets to the point where one or both become complacent and start taking each other for granted.

    I'm not even sure I can articulate what exactly I do or say when I'm trying to reconnect, because it's not like I just say 'Do you still like me'? lol. It's just every now and then, when I sense things are becoming flat, my trying to spark a convo or initiate an activity or anything like that that can offer an opportunity to rekindle, keep things alive and exciting, bond, whatever. (I can thoroughly understand though if the other person actually would prefer the 'flat' zone and sees no need to actively keep things kicking )
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

    My Photography and Watercolor Fine Art Prints!!! Cascade Colors Fine Art Prints
    https://docs.google.com/uc?export=do...Gd5N3NZZE52QjQ

  8. #18
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    FREE
    Enneagram
    594 sx/sp
    Socionics
    LII Ne
    Posts
    42,333

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Maybe other people just don't need that barometer of how things are between us like I do. I like to know what the other person values about me. I find it really hard not to always be thinking of how I can make the other person feel loved and valued in turn. The downside is that if they do not feel the same compulsion, things start getting weird and uneven and I feel like the clingy one or that I am expecting something from them, even though that's really not why I did the thing in the first place.

    Redbone and I had an interesting conversation about the F vs T divide. She was saying that she did not understand someone feeling the need to check the temperature of the relationship all the time and needing feedback to indicate all was well. However for someone like me (maybe it's Ni?), it just helps me incredibly to get some kind of feedback that the other person is happy and feels loved (and in turn also loves me). When that is not given, too many possibilities arise in my mind for why that is and then I have difficulty choosing a course of action. I become much more hoverey than I am by nature (which I'm sure is annoying and makes me despise myself), and they become less demonstrative in response.
    I'm kind of in-between the two of those.

    I don't need habitual feedback but I do need periodic feedback especially when situations have been changing. Just because you loved me last month might not mean you still love me, especially if I'm not getting any cues toward that. If I don't get the cues, my attitudes toward the relationship slowly drift into doubt and I no longer know how to interpret any inherent distance.

    Note that it's really just in situations where I am getting NO cues at all directly about it, where I need a more definitive statement just to help me interpret what's going on. You can just call them anchor points, if you wish -- ones that I can depend on, even if the relationship itself is changing shape a lot.

    This isn't just for LTRs but for friendships as well.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  9. #19
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    1w2 so/sx
    Posts
    11,134

    Default

    I've realized over time that inaction is not perceived the same by all people. To me, inaction is a form of action or decision. It is rarely neutral and either has to do with other factors going on in one's life that crowd it out, uncertainty of what to do, need for time to think, a conscious choice NOT to do something, it receiving lower priority etc. Only through the addition of more interaction or information would I know which it is and how I want to respond in turn.

    However, for some people inaction may mean that they like things the way they are and if that feeling changes, they will notify you. (I'm pretty flexible, but hate emotional surprises, so this is something that I dread, because by then it's usually too late to do any negotiating or fix problems that have arisen, as the other person has already made a decision).

    For others, inaction is a neutral thing. It can be a form of giving the other person space (as they themselves would value), it's trust that things will work themselves out somehow, or it is just putting things on hold for awhile etc etc.

    Because Ni seems to be a look down the road function, I'm usually in preventative mode, rather than waiting for a problem to happen. Fe also is action oriented and most discussion/interpersonal exchanges often help the Fe user to dictate how they should take action. I'm seeing that the need to always try to actively prevent problems can even CAUSE problems, but I'm not sure how to get around it as it is a deeply ingrained part of me.

    One thing I've gotten better at doing is realizing that some conflict isn't always bad and if handled correctly can lead to increased closeness and understanding. I'm also seeing that overaccommodating isn't really helpful to anyone. Certainly, one of the things I have had to work on is having unspoken expectations of other people.

    I do not want my expression of the love languages to result in me expecting something of others. At the same time, if that is a natural part of how I orient myself to others, I'm not sure what to do if it is not natural to some other types (either in a close friendship or a relationship). There's a certain amount of difference that is necessary to keep a relationship interesting, balanced and cause both members to grow.

    How much room is there for change and how much strain does speaking a non-native love language cause to a person? Is it something that can be sustained over time, or is it more symbolic that they are making an effort but it is never something they will really take pleasure in doing. For me, if the person doesn't enjoy doing it, I will appreciate their effort, but it takes a lot of the joy out of receiving it. Is it better to just try to find someone who is similar in the way they relate, or is it good for both people to have to reach out of their comfort zone a bit?

  10. #20
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    1w2 so/sx
    Posts
    11,134

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    I'm kind of in-between the two of those.

    I don't need habitual feedback but I do need periodic feedback especially when situations have been changing. Just because you loved me last month might not mean you still love me, especially if I'm not getting any cues toward that. If I don't get the cues, my attitudes toward the relationship slowly drift into doubt and I no longer know how to interpret any inherent distance.

    Note that it's really just in situations where I am getting NO cues at all directly about it, where I need a more definitive statement just to help me interpret what's going on. You can just call them anchor points, if you wish -- ones that I can depend on, even if the relationship itself is changing shape a lot.

    This isn't just for LTRs but for friendships as well.
    Exactly! I don't think that it's that I need constant reassurance. However, if something has changed without explanation (or insistance that things are fine, but they don't seem fine) or if there's a lack of something that used to be there, I probably am going to want to understand why. Depending on the why, I will also react very differently.

    As cascedeco said, it's easy too to drift into compacency after some time (whether in a romantic relationship or a platonic one) and assume you know the person better than you truly do.

Similar Threads

  1. Love Languages Test
    By lane777 in forum Online Personality Tests
    Replies: 247
    Last Post: 09-21-2017, 03:14 AM
  2. [SP] Love Languages for SPs
    By istpunk in forum The SP Arthouse (ESFP, ISFP, ESTP, ISTP)
    Replies: 37
    Last Post: 09-24-2009, 04:26 PM
  3. [NT] NT's: What is your primary love language?
    By INTPness in forum The NT Rationale (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ)
    Replies: 60
    Last Post: 09-18-2009, 10:42 AM
  4. [NF] NF's: What is your primary love language?
    By INTPness in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 50
    Last Post: 09-16-2009, 08:35 PM
  5. Replies: 10
    Last Post: 02-01-2008, 12:24 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO