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  1. #1
    Junior Member Spin's Avatar
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    Question INXP + ISXJ + love = ??? Help!

    What do you guys think of this pairing? I frequently identify with INFPs (even though I'm not sure whether I'm F or T), and I'm pretty sure my boyfriend is an ISFJ. So far our relationship is good, but every now and then I start feeling alienated by our lack of "deep" discussions.

    Have any of you dated S's? How did it work out in the long run?
    Last edited by Spin; 09-08-2012 at 03:21 PM. Reason: clarification

  2. #2
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    I don't think this pairing will get high reviews here on this forum but there are lots of these couples out in the real world. I'm sure many of them make it work.

  3. #3
    pathwise dependent FDG's Avatar
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    This pairing is common (moreso ISFJ-INTP) but IME the parties become progressively unhappier over time.
    ENTj 7-3-8 sx/sp

  4. #4
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    My mom and dad are ISFJ and INTP, and they are happily married. They don't have a lot of 'deep' discussions, but she helps ground him in reality. She is patient with his N-babbles, and he thinks her stubborn, practical ways are cute, so it works

    If your boyfriend is ISFJ, I think he might eventually expect you to conform a little to 'what is normal'. If your life standards are already in line with each other's, it makes things a lot easier. I think this is the same with any difference in that you have to appreciate your partner for who they are and not try to change them, and they have to be willing to do the same for you.

    Anyway, good luck!
    4w5 sp/sx EII

  5. #5
    The Iron Giant
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spin View Post
    What do you guys think of this pairing? I frequently identify with INFPs (even though I'm not sure whether I'm F or T), and I'm pretty sure my boyfriend is an ISFJ. So far our relationship is good, but every now and then I start feeling alienated by our lack of "deep" discussions.

    Have any of you dated S's? How did it work out in the long run?
    You're saying you think your ISFJ boyfriend's discussions are shallow. That sounds like you may have a low opinion of him, which doesn't reflect positively on the outcome of this relationship.

    I'm not sure if you also think that his thinking is shallow, not just the conversation... but if that's the case, I think it's more likely that he's keeping his deeper thoughts to himself. Generally speaking, men are less comfortable talking at length and in depth, but it seems to me that we do plenty of thinking.

    If anything in your types is going to conflict, it's likely to be your judging functions. If you're INFP, you're judging with Fi, if he's ISFJ, he's judging with Fe. THAT is where to look for depth, because while your values come from deep inside you, and probably at some point your early childhood, his are based on what he feels best serves him and others socially. In other words, he wants to make decisions that make you and others happy, and that in turn makes him happy. You want to make decisions that feel consistent with your understanding of what is fair and authentic, and that makes you happy.

    This doesn't mean you can't get along, it just means that you may both sometimes have to bend your understanding a little to reach common ground, and understand each other.

  6. #6
    likes this gromit's Avatar
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    For some reason I feel like an INFP male ISFJ female is a good pairing. I have observed one or two and it seems very sweet and tender.

  7. #7
    Junior Member Spin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 21% View Post
    My mom and dad are ISFJ and INTP, and they are happily married. They don't have a lot of 'deep' discussions, but she helps ground him in reality. She is patient with his N-babbles, and he thinks her stubborn, practical ways are cute, so it works

    If your boyfriend is ISFJ, I think he might eventually expect you to conform a little to 'what is normal'. If your life standards are already in line with each other's, it makes things a lot easier. I think this is the same with any difference in that you have to appreciate your partner for who they are and not try to change them, and they have to be willing to do the same for you.

    Anyway, good luck!
    This is nice to hear, and it's kind of like my experience has been like so far. Also, we want a lot of the same things out of life, which is promising. I don't think we would have gotten along so well when I was going through a non-conformist phase, but I appreciate societal harmony now, and I generally try to dress nicely, and I value social niceties, so that definitely helps. I think the other biggest potential conflicts are:

    1) He's really great about taking care of me (and even randomly cleaning things for me), whereas I have to make a conscious effort to remember that people and houses don't take care of themselves. For example: we spend most of our time studying together, and he gets hungry more often than I do, so I always have to remind myself to offer him snacks or dinner-foods (which he often graciously helps me pay for and prepare). And whenever we're at his place, he's a really considerate host. I just don't want him to feel like it's one-sided: like he takes care of me, but I don't take care of him.

    2) He just doesn't think about a lot of the things I think about. I'm not making assumptions here -- I'll often reveal some interesting thought I had, hoping for a long involved conversation, and he'll just say, "Oh. That's interesting." If he's engaged in the conversation, he'll often follow up with something like, "wow, I never think of things like that." That mostly just happens when I try to talk about hypothetical situations, though. If it's a situation or an idea that he has experience with, he often has insights that I haven't thought of, and that helps fulfill my need for "deep" conversations.


    Quote Originally Posted by Stephen View Post
    You're saying you think your ISFJ boyfriend's discussions are shallow. That sounds like you may have a low opinion of him, which doesn't reflect positively on the outcome of this relationship.

    I'm not sure if you also think that his thinking is shallow, not just the conversation... but if that's the case, I think it's more likely that he's keeping his deeper thoughts to himself. Generally speaking, men are less comfortable talking at length and in depth, but it seems to me that we do plenty of thinking.

    If anything in your types is going to conflict, it's likely to be your judging functions. If you're INFP, you're judging with Fi, if he's ISFJ, he's judging with Fe. THAT is where to look for depth, because while your values come from deep inside you, and probably at some point your early childhood, his are based on what he feels best serves him and others socially. In other words, he wants to make decisions that make you and others happy, and that in turn makes him happy. You want to make decisions that feel consistent with your understanding of what is fair and authentic, and that makes you happy.

    This doesn't mean you can't get along, it just means that you may both sometimes have to bend your understanding a little to reach common ground, and understand each other.
    That's exactly what it's like! I also use Ti a lot, though. I took a test, and I scored almost equally dominant for Ti, Fi, and Ne:

    Lead (Dominant) Process
    Introverted Thinking (Ti): Gaining leverage (influence) using a framework. Detaching to study a situation from different angles and fit it to a theory, framework or principle. Checking for accuracy. Using leverage to solve the problem.

    Support (Auxilliary) Process
    Extraverted Intuiting (Ne): Exploring the emerging patterns. Wondering about patterns of interaction across various situations. Checking what hypotheses and meanings fit best. Trusting what emerges as you shift a situation’s dynamics.
    Anyway, I'm always amazed at how naturally considerate he is, and considering what you just said about Fe, that makes sense! Every now and then, though, I start to feel like it's strange that he cares so much what other people think, or about social norms in general. He's usually pretty open-minded, but every now and then, when we read about someone who displayed strong emotion in a slightly inappropriate situation, or someone is very socially unskilled, he finds their behavior "just weird." I have a pretty good handle on social conventions now, but I can still identify with people who act in those "weird" ways. I know how they feel and how alone they are, and how the last thing they need is judgment. On the other hand, I appreciate his social compass: he naturally knows how to act in situations where I feel like I have to "fake it," and it's nice that he validates my social observations a lot of the time.

  8. #8
    The Iron Giant
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    @Spin

    That's good to hear. If you're rating high in both Fi and Ti, then the test is not reading you well. These functions conflict in function theory. Even the more recent ideas that add four more functions, giving people theoretical access to all eight functions, put them at opposite ends. In other words, you can't be strong in both Fi and Ti, because they're opposites.

    If you are intp, you use Fe at a very low level. This usually shows up as being extremely socially awkward, especially when young. One characteristic of inferior Fe like this is periodic outbursts of rage which subside into shame and confusion. Have you ever experienced that?

  9. #9
    Junior Member Spin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stephen View Post
    @Spin

    That's good to hear. If you're rating high in both Fi and Ti, then the test is not reading you well. These functions conflict in function theory. Even the more recent ideas that add four more functions, giving people theoretical access to all eight functions, put them at opposite ends. In other words, you can't be strong in both Fi and Ti, because they're opposites.

    If you are intp, you use Fe at a very low level. This usually shows up as being extremely socially awkward, especially when young. One characteristic of inferior Fe like this is periodic outbursts of rage which subside into shame and confusion. Have you ever experienced that?
    Yeah, I definitely have. It doesn't really happen anymore now that I'm older and mostly surrounded by people who respect me.

    Myers-Briggs tests often put me as, like, 1% T - maybe a better Functions test would help me figure out which type I am? This is the one I took: http://keys2cognition.com/explore.htm

  10. #10
    The Iron Giant
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spin View Post
    Yeah, I definitely have. It doesn't really happen anymore now that I'm older and mostly surrounded by people who respect me.

    Myers-Briggs tests often put me as, like, 1% T - maybe a better Functions test would help me figure out which type I am? This is the one I took: http://keys2cognition.com/explore.htm
    I think you're doing great, and you've probably gotten about all you can out of functions tests already. They're really just a starting point. In your position, I would start with Jung's descriptions of the introverted thinking type, the extraverted intuition type, and the introverted feeling type, and see if any of those feel right. That would narrow it down to either IxTP, ENxP, or IxFP. From there, I'd suggest looking into the auxiliary function, which should pinpoint that final letter for you. If none of these fit, then you can broaden the search.

    Jung was Ti-dom (ISTP) himself, so his writing can be a little rich and hard to parse on the first pass, but I've gotten a lot out of it in terms of understanding my own type.

    I think it's awesome that you're putting this effort into understanding yourself and your partner. Far too few people really want to look inside each other this way. I think it can make a huge difference in a relationship.

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