[INFJ] INFJ: Horrible Perfectionist Tendencies

[Ribonuke]

I've just realized I have some horrible, HORRIBLE unresolved perfectionist tendencies that are keeping me from getting the most out of my life.

I can't focus on writing a paper. I can't muster up the courage to hit on someone I find attractive. Blah blah etc. All because I'm worried about not doing a good enough job.

Why do I worry about not doing a good enough job? Because I feel like my parents and friends will be disappointed in me. And when I feel that others are disappointed in me, I literally feel pain. Like...literal PHYSICAL pain. And I end up just feeling sick, and I just can't survive that way.

But I also can't really survive by rejecting every opportunity that comes my way! I need to figure out a happy medium so that I can do more things with my life than I have been...

Any advice? ._.

 

[Tiltyred]

You need a prescription for Fukitol. Take two Fuckitol and just write the paper. Take another two and just talk to the girl. etc., repeat as needed.

 

[Che Bloggs]

^LOL - it took me a second to get that!

I'm very similar so I'm not sure I'm the right person to give advice but, because I can relate, maybe I can let you know how I try to deal with it.

Is there anything that you can do consistently to the degree of perfection you desire?

Having one thing that you are happy with makes it not so bad to deal with the failures that will inenvitably arise in other pursuits. Getting that one thing is no mean feat in and of itself but would probably help. Mine happened by accident and is a small thing but I have been complimented a lot on my handwriting. Nobody ever cannot read it and, though it goes sloppier when I'm feeling lazy and I often get an urge to rewrite notes because they're not perfect, by and large I'm happy with my writing. Content is another matter but my perfectionism has got an outlet. I also draw cartoons and can do some things exactly how I want them so when I feel that need for control and pefectionism, I can write something or draw something for a bit and it means that these tendencies don't slip into more important matters where they can have very negative effects.

These worries do come up but I can generally just give something a shot and not worry too much about it being perfect because that side of me will have been satisfied in some other pursuit.

 

[Tigerlily]

You need a prescription for Fukitol. Take two Fuckitol and just write the paper. Take another two and just talk to the girl. etc., repeat as needed.

 

[SilkRoad]

I can't figure out if I'm a perfectionist or not. Certainly not to the extent that some people I know are (both INFJ, and other types.) I do have huge problems with procrastination, though, and I wonder if that is related. It seems like the more important something is, the more I put it off and avoid taking the plunge. Then I get sick with worrying about why it's not done and how I will get it done... "Analysis paralysis" is one of my biggest problems, for sure. Everything seems bigger and worse inside my head than it actually is, or almost everything.

 

[cafe]

You need a prescription for Fukitol. Take two Fuckitol and just write the paper. Take another two and just talk to the girl. etc., repeat as needed.

I don't even know how much I would pay for a big bottle of that. Definitely a lot.

Edit:

A few things kind of work for me. Having a greater fear of the consequences of not acting than I do of the possible consequences of acting. Asking myself "What's the worst that can happen?" Usually the answer is not as bad as the nebulous anxiety. And, recently, telling myself that I don't have to panic yet, IOW "There is always time to panic later." Oh, and I try to cut myself the same slack I would anybody else. It's only fair.

I hate disappointing people, too, but I suspect they already know I'm not perfect and will get over it if I screw up, especially if I'm obviously not being careless or malicious.

 

[Vasilisa]

< Join the Club >

 

[zelo1954]

I've just realized I have some horrible, HORRIBLE unresolved perfectionist tendencies that are keeping me from getting the most out of my life.

I can't focus on writing a paper. I can't muster up the courage to hit on someone I find attractive. Blah blah etc. All because I'm worried about not doing a good enough job.

I understand this is a peripheral issue and not what you asked at all, but you sound more like an INFP to me than an INFJ.

 

[cascadeco]

I've just realized I have some horrible, HORRIBLE unresolved perfectionist tendencies that are keeping me from getting the most out of my life.

I can't focus on writing a paper. I can't muster up the courage to hit on someone I find attractive. Blah blah etc. All because I'm worried about not doing a good enough job.

Why do I worry about not doing a good enough job? Because I feel like my parents and friends will be disappointed in me. And when I feel that others are disappointed in me, I literally feel pain. Like...literal PHYSICAL pain. And I end up just feeling sick, and I just can't survive that way.

But I also can't really survive by rejecting every opportunity that comes my way! I need to figure out a happy medium so that I can do more things with my life than I have been...

Any advice? ._.

I don't know what to say... realize that it's YOUR life and you can embrace it and do what you want with it? That if you disappoint people as a result of following who you are, then perhaps they weren't the types of relationships you ultimately wanted? Or if you don't disappoint, then you realize through the process that perhaps all along you were worrying about things that no one else was going to hold against you if you 'failed' at? So you learn via not being so perfectionist (may have to force it initially, esp. if it's an engrained habit) that there isn't a need to be perfectionist in the first place? That life will go on and you CAN do whatever you wish to in your life that you want to work towards? (within reason of course )

I can't entirely relate... I'm wondering if this is more tied to enneagram? Or something else?

 

[Ribonuke]

Wow, thanks for the comments guys! ^^
[MENTION=16301]zelo1954[/MENTION] I had trouble accepting I was an INFJ, so I explored INFP for a while. But it didn't seem to fit and the more I looked at INFJ, the more it made sense. What makes me come across as an INFP, tho? =o
[MENTION=1206]cascadeco[/MENTION] I think I took my enneagram and it was 4w5 or something, but I wouldn't be surprised if it were more 1w2 or or 2w1

 

[Fidelia]

I think the reason that INFPs and INFJs put things off are very different, even though to some the result could look the same. For me too, it has to do with a nebulous kind of fear of not doing as well as I envision the result should be or disappointing someone else. I can even understand in my head that putting something off or avoiding it has worse (and potentially more disappointing to others) consequences in my life than not making a perfect job of it, but it still is difficult when I'm really emotionally invested to get over it and get on with the job.

Sometimes Ni just brings things into better focus at the end so I can easily complete the task (it's answered the questions that were paralyzing my progress), sometimes it's a matter of seeing the problem in better perspective so I am not so emotionally involved and can see what I need to do, sometimes I find having a very different type of person than myself helping me can be useful (as long as they stick with me for the whole process - otherwise I run into more unaswered paralyzing quandries down the road). I'm much better as I've grown older. Breaking the task down into manageable chunks can help still some of the rising panic and getting on with it rather than waiting for something to change. As I've gotten older I also find that I can see other people's negative opinions of me as not being the very end of the world, even if I still find that uncomfortable.

For what it's worth, I'm an enneagram 1w2 or 2w1 as well.

 

[zelo1954]

[MENTION=16301]zelo1954[/MENTION] I had trouble accepting I was an INFJ, so I explored INFP for a while. But it didn't seem to fit and the more I looked at INFJ, the more it made sense. What makes me come across as an INFP, tho?

Fidelia makes an excellent point. When I reread your OP what I see now (about the paper issue) is that you don't want to disappoint other people rather than that you are concerned about what other people think of you In the former you are engaging Fe whereas in the latter you would be engaging Fi. If you are absolutely certain of your real motives about this issue then that is an INFJ thing. OTOH, your second issue about hitting on someone you find attractive still sounds to me the way round I originally thought - you are worried about the effect on yourself. Any thoughts? Fidelia?

 

[skylights]

I've just realized I have some horrible, HORRIBLE unresolved perfectionist tendencies that are keeping me from getting the most out of my life.

I can't focus on writing a paper. I can't muster up the courage to hit on someone I find attractive. Blah blah etc. All because I'm worried about not doing a good enough job.

I have tendencies like that, too, INFJ though I am not. I have trouble getting things done because I want the end result to be as good as possible because I feel ashamed in front of others otherwise - I've always been particularly bad about that in terms of schoolwork and my professors' opinions of me.

I know Tilty was joking about the Fukitol but that's really true in some aspects. I think for me, a lot of times, it's easier to start by telling myself "okay, I am just going to write a draft for this paper", or "okay, I am just going to go introduce myself to the new guy", instead of "I'm going to write a masterpiece for my English final" or "I'm going to begin the picture-perfect romance with this handsome man". I think there's part of us as NFs that really aspires to that beautiful, final ideal, but it's always so much easier in our heads. Reality is messier and takes more steps... so it's kind of easier to approach reality in a messier, step-by-step way. If you give yourself an easy incremental goal for the "first step", the mission as a whole becomes manageable, especially as you begin to get more engaged with the project and as you watch yourself succeed. Set the bar at an easy height to begin with and blow yourself out of the water. :]

 

[xenaprincess]

Is there anything that you can do consistently to the degree of perfection you desire?

I completely, utterly and sadly relate to your issues. Oy oy oy oy!

What's worse is the thud of my hand hitting my head when I finally do something and get it somehow wrong, but wrong in the tiniest of ways. Then I take full blame on myself. Then tell people about it. Then look like a halfwit.

The answer is there is no absolute standard of perfection. Rather, there is a relative standard of perfection.

'Was that the best I could do with the information I had at the time?' The answer has to be yes, right? because you are always trying the hardest you can. You are no halfwit slacker.

I get myself to do things by telling myself I will get in more trouble if I don't do anything, and I dislike getting in trouble. I also tell myself that no lives will be lost.

 

[Reverie]

You need a prescription for Fukitol. Take two Fuckitol and just write the paper. Take another two and just talk to the girl. etc., repeat as needed.

Customer testimonials for Fukitol:
"Fukitol really saved my life. Before Fukitol I was a real mess. I felt anxious and unsure of myself, but a daily double dose of Fukitol cured me of my insecurities. Thank you Fukitol. -Reverie"

 

[xenaprincess]

In terms of the attractive person, in that situation, I'd ask myself, do I find that person attractive? that specific person right there? If yes, then act on it. If no, then leave it/him/her alone.

In Price is Right when Door #1 is open, who's to say whether Door #2 is better? it might be a beat up jalopy. All you can do is react to what you know right now, ie; reality. Not some ideal out there or in your head.

It would help for you to hang out with some really practical people, or to try to live in the 'now' moment. Or hang out with pets. Immerse yourself in the 'Now'.

I suggest yoga or other physical stuff. Yoga stretches out your muscles, releasing toxins and with exercise, you are in the Now. You pretty much stop thinking. Think of it as detaching from your N parts and immersing in the S parts. Try other things like cooking, photography, crafts, etc. Don't browse on the internet, which is open-ended and passive. Actively DO something.

I have the same feelings. Making more mistakes in life on a daily basis helps, and being in a more public situation. I used to feel such internal pain, like my body was attacking itself. I'd lose sleep, I felt like I had a virus. Things like making small errors would do that to me.

Now, smaller errors don't phase me anymore, even public ones. I say 'oops' and move onto the next thing. Slightly larger misunderstandings still have a hold on me (I am awake now at 4:30 because of a minor work misunderstanding).

 

[Istbkleta]

Perhaps because Ti is a need for the absolute Truth and is perfectionist in itself? Perhaps in a similar way that I can say Fi is anxiety.

I've been thinking lately about how Ti perfectionism and Ni "consequences-for-life-from-what-I-decide-now" come alive together. I'd imagine Se can play the "Fukitol" role here in a similar way that it does for ISTPs and their Ti-Ni loops.

If anybody feels like there might be truth in this, perhaps check what tricks dom and aux Ti people have developed to get out of perfectionism and allow themselves to make mistakes. I've found such an approach very helpful for myself.

 

[Society]

as a general rule of thumbs, the main delusion of P's is an over confidence in one's competence, and the main delusion of Js is an over confidence in one's conclusions. generally speaking those are fallacies to be avoided, but self delusions have their benefits, they make handling certain aspects of life easier, its why people embrace them in the first place, and we each end up having to cope with the reality that isn't so easily masked by the delusion the other enjoys, while ironically, it is the other side that is gaining all the life experience of cooping with the consequences of their delusion.

so for perfectionist J's i'll simply say: reality will forgive you for fucking up, but there's nothing there to forgive you for not trying.

take from that what you will.

 

[Fidelia]

Perhaps because Ti is a need for the absolute Truth and is perfectionist in itself? Perhaps in a similar way that I can say Fi is anxiety.

I've been thinking lately about how Ti perfectionism and Ni "consequences-for-life-from-what-I-decide-now" come alive together. I'd imagine Se can play the "Fukitol" role here in a similar way that it does for ISTPs and their Ti-Ni loops.

If anybody feels like there might be truth in this, perhaps check what tricks dom and aux Ti people have developed to get out of perfectionism and allow themselves to make mistakes. I've found such an approach very helpful for myself.

Definitely, I've concluded the issue is a Ni-Ti loop. If I remember correctly, Udog suggested that using the aux function is generally the way to get out of a dom-tert loop. I'll need to think more about how that would be done, but it's an idea that I think is worth considering.

As far as being interested in someone and not acting on it, it has more to do (for me) with messing up opportunities in the future with that person, than fear of what they think of me. Ni offers many possible avenues one could take. For me, the way to pick a course of action is to extrapolate what the end result may be by figuring out the most likely series of back and forth "moves" the parties involved will make. Like with a chess game, I like to be able to see what impact one choice I make would have on the next several moves before I commit to a certain action.

Particularly if I really like someone, I'm aware that some choices could result in other doors closing and so I like to think out how things would go if I took a particular course of action. Although no one can know the future for sure, Ni uses observation as a powerful predictor of what is likely to happen in various circumstances. However, it takes awhile to gather that sort of information.

INFJs have more of a tendancy to avoid jumping in to anything until they know exactly what to expect in response (and they have decided how they would respond in turn). Only then are they are likely to approach someone. In my life, most of my friendships and relationships were initiated by the other person, even though I am a friendly and not particularly shy person. It's just that I tend to hang back for awhile at first because I like to know what to expect. In the last few years, I've started working on that tendancy because I don't think it always serves me well - I've missed out on some good friendships and gotten into other ones that maybe wouldn't have happened had I been acting more proactively.

 

[Ribonuke]

as a general rule of thumbs, the main delusion of P's is an over confidence in one's competence, and the main delusion of Js is an over confidence in one's conclusions. generally speaking those are fallacies to be avoided, but self delusions have their benefits, they make handling certain aspects of life easier, its why people embrace them in the first place, and we each end up having to cope with the reality that isn't so easily masked by the delusion the other enjoys, while ironically, it is the other side that is gaining all the life experience of cooping with the consequences of their delusion.

so for perfectionist J's i'll simply say: reality will forgive you for fucking up, but there's nothing there to forgive you for not trying.

take from that what you will.

Wow...interesting philosophy...I'll have to keep that in mind.

In terms of the attractive person, in that situation, I'd ask myself, do I find that person attractive? that specific person right there? If yes, then act on it. If no, then leave it/him/her alone.

In Price is Right when Door #1 is open, who's to say whether Door #2 is better? it might be a beat up jalopy. All you can do is react to what you know right now, ie; reality. Not some ideal out there or in your head.

It would help for you to hang out with some really practical people, or to try to live in the 'now' moment. Or hang out with pets. Immerse yourself in the 'Now'.

I suggest yoga or other physical stuff. Yoga stretches out your muscles, releasing toxins and with exercise, you are in the Now. You pretty much stop thinking. Think of it as detaching from your N parts and immersing in the S parts. Try other things like cooking, photography, crafts, etc. Don't browse on the internet, which is open-ended and passive. Actively DO something.

I have the same feelings. Making more mistakes in life on a daily basis helps, and being in a more public situation. I used to feel such internal pain, like my body was attacking itself. I'd lose sleep, I felt like I had a virus. Things like making small errors would do that to me.

Now, smaller errors don't phase me anymore, even public ones. I say 'oops' and move onto the next thing. Slightly larger misunderstandings still have a hold on me (I am awake now at 4:30 because of a minor work misunderstanding).

Aha...yeah, I noticed a lot of people are giving me relationship advice to act on it anyway.

Here's the thing though...I'm worried about making them feel uncomfortable by hitting on them? I'm not so much concerned about worrying that I will do something morally 'wrong', but I always catch myself flipping to their perspective and wondering if I'm doing anything that is making them feel uncomfortable by being too talkative or forthright.

Here's what also doesn't help, if I haven't mentioned it: I am gay. Like, I am only remotely attracted in the physical way to other women; I've tried it with guys, and while we tend to click in personality, I just feel physically repulsed. So there's also THAT matter of awkwardness, because I understand that the odds that anyone I find attractive would be interested in me would be very...VERY low. So other girls tend to place me in the 'friendzone' by default. And I'm also in some way a 'chapstick lesbian', meaning I'm not very feminine, but not particularly androgynous either. My interests are certainly more androgynous and 'heady' by default.

So yeah. I WISH it were as simple as just being upfront about it, but I worry too much about creating a painfully--in the literal way--awkward situation for the both of us, and destroying any chance of keeping them as a friend.