[ENFP] ENFP and ENTP relationship

[five sounds]

So I just found out my ex boyfriend is an ENTP. Found this thread searching for ENTP/ENFP relationships.

We connected strongly, and stayed together for a little more than 3 years, but eventually it fell apart. He used to laugh openly at my ideas sometimes, but had a lot of short-sighted judgments from my point of view, which made him seem like he was being a jerk. I am a sx-dom ENFP, so I like to make connections with people, and I think that really bothered him. He'd get super mad and say hurtful things when that happened, which in turn pissed me off. I also wanted to explore my spirituality more, and really didn't feel supported in that at all by him. He laughed at me about it, and made fun of what I was doing.

Otherwise, I believe he's a really sweet guy. We made great friends, but it turned out that we just weren't compatible in that way. I was the one who had to break it off with him, and he really tried hard to keep me around. Of course, that wound up meaning we were 'breaking up' for months before we finally broke it off for good.

Does any of this sound ENFP/ENTP? Any insight? I really thought I was going to marry him for a while, and I'm just really interested in analyzing the whole thing.

 

[Istbkleta]

... He used to laugh openly at my ideas sometimes ... He laughed at me about it, and made fun of what I was doing.

One "trick" an INFJ taught me, was to patiently observe how people react to OTHER things and people and note if what was hurtful to me is something they do habitually.

It kind of puts things into a broader perspective.

Was he somebody who laughed a lot. Sometimes at things that would make you "wonder" what was funny there (a near-miss car accident. Funny?)

 

[five sounds]

One "trick" an INFJ taught me, was to patiently observe how people react to OTHER things and people and note if what was hurtful to me is something they do habitually.

It kind of puts things into a broader perspective.

Was he somebody who laughed a lot. Sometimes at things that would make you "wonder" what was funny there (a near-miss car accident. Funny?)

He would laugh at other people he disagreed with too. I'm talking an open mocking laugh.

I want to make clear that I don't mean to say a bunch of negative things about him. I mostly want to analyze the "bad" in our relationship to see if there were any type reasons why we didn't work out. With a lot of the other conflicts in my life, I've been able to point them back to a certain function or way of seeing or doing things that was simply incompatible with mine.

 

[Istbkleta]

With a lot of the other conflicts in my life, I've been able to point them back to a certain function or way of seeing or doing things that was simply incompatible with mine.

If you put it this way, I'd say this is mostly Ne without conscious Fi.

It sounds like the norm with most ENTPs.

I don't know what the equivalent behaviors in ENFPs are: Ne without conscious Ti.

Are you still friends?

 

[five sounds]

If you put it this way, I'd say this is mostly Ne without conscious Fi.

It sounds like the norm with most ENTPs.

I don't know what the equivalent behaviors in ENFPs are: Ne without conscious Ti.

Are you still friends?

Yeah we're still friends. I really feel like it was the most amicable split imaginable. His parents still talk like we belonged together which makes things a little weird, but things are totally cool between us.

 

[Dr Mobius]

So I just found out my ex boyfriend is an ENTP. Found this thread searching for ENTP/ENFP relationships.

We connected strongly, and stayed together for a little more than 3 years, but eventually it fell apart. He used to laugh openly at my ideas sometimes, but had a lot of short-sighted judgments from my point of view, which made him seem like he was being a jerk. I am a sx-dom ENFP, so I like to make connections with people, and I think that really bothered him. He'd get super mad and say hurtful things when that happened, which in turn pissed me off. I also wanted to explore my spirituality more, and really didn't feel supported in that at all by him. He laughed at me about it, and made fun of what I was doing.

Otherwise, I believe he's a really sweet guy. We made great friends, but it turned out that we just weren't compatible in that way. I was the one who had to break it off with him, and he really tried hard to keep me around. Of course, that wound up meaning we were 'breaking up' for months before we finally broke it off for good.

Does any of this sound ENFP/ENTP? Any insight? I really thought I was going to marry him for a while, and I'm just really interested in analyzing the whole thing.

Are you completely sure that your ex-partner was an ENTP? Not to try to play the fob them of to someone else game, but nothing you wrote seemed to indicate it, admittedly it was a very limited amount of information. It is just that ENTP and ENFP relations if you happen to read enough of these forums tend to go one of three ways:

Option One
ENTP and ENFP meet have an instant connection, proceed to have a whirlwind romance, until such time as reality kicks in, and someone has to start acting like an adult, which breeds resentment in the one who steps up; a minor annoyance becomes a major concern, and then comes the overly dramatic finale. Life span usually under the six months mark.

Option Two
ENFP and ENTP meet they enjoy each other’s company and hop on board the casual relationship express, at some point they both release that this isn’t enough for either of them and split amicably. Life span of relationship ending within twelve months.

Option Three
This is a combination of option one and option two; It starts of as option one, it then proceeds to a pregnancy, it usually starts with a few tumultuous years, until it quiets down to being more like option two, and then ends with an amicable split. Life span will probably be under the decade mark.

Which is not to say your ex is not an ENTP, but the pattern of ENFP and ENTP relationships which is remarkably formulaic, combined with behaviours that are not something I would associate with ENTP’s; Occum’s Razor would say that you are more than likely barking up the wrong tree.

 

[five sounds]

Are you completely sure that your ex-partner was an ENTP? Not to try to play the fob them of to someone else game, but nothing you wrote seemed to indicate it, admittedly it was a very limited amount of information. It is just that ENTP and ENFP relations if you happen to read enough of these forums tend to go one of three ways:

Option One
ENTP and ENFP meet have an instant connection, proceed to have a whirlwind romance, until such time as reality kicks in, and someone has to start acting like an adult, which breeds resentment in the one who steps up; a minor annoyance becomes a major concern, and then comes the overly dramatic finale. Life span usually under the six months mark.

Option Two
ENFP and ENTP meet they enjoy each other’s company and hop on board the casual relationship express, at some point they both release that this isn’t enough for either of them and split amicably. Life span of relationship ending within twelve months.

Option Three
This is a combination of option one and option two; It starts of as option one, it then proceeds to a pregnancy, it usually starts with a few tumultuous years, until it quiets down to being more like option two, and then ends with an amicable split. Life span will probably be under the decade mark.

Which is not to say your ex is not an ENTP, but the pattern of ENFP and ENTP relationships which is remarkably formulaic, combined with behaviours that are not something I would associate with ENTP’s; Occum’s Razor would say that you are more than likely barking up the wrong tree.

It was very much like the first scenario, actually. That is such a concise and well-put explanation of what happened. I was ready to "grow up" and the more he refused like made me feel bad for wanting that or for the choices I was making, the more I felt he just couldn't be who I needed him to be.

I didn't include that because I thought it was just an age thing (we were in our early 20s). We just got to enjoy being kids together and being wildly in love with our party responsibility-free life for a few good years before reality set in.

 

[Dr Mobius]

It was very much like the first scenario, actually. That is such a concise and well-put explanation of what happened. I was ready to "grow up" and the more he refused like made me feel bad for wanting that or for the choices I was making, the more I felt he just couldn't be who I needed him to be.

I didn't include that because I thought it was just an age thing (we were in our early 20s). We just got to enjoy being kids together and being wildly in love with our party responsibility-free life for a few good years before reality set in.

Yes and no, the whole falling for someone who is so similar and gets me is I imagine a pretty common phenomenon, but the way it falls apart seems to be a distinctly Pe dominant issue (I imagine that ESXPs face similar situations.). I am also not entirely convinced that age begets wisdom necessarily, especially when it comes to ENXPs.

Anyway did you want me to have a go at analysing your ex’s actions, from an ENTP perspective? I assume he is the standard model ENTP enneagram 7 sx/sp/so?

 

[Samvega]

I don't think E/E or I/I relationships work well at all, I could never date a fellow extrovert, I've shared some intense bonds and connections with them but there's no way I could sustain the dynamic long term. I really like an ENFP once, she liked me, we clicked really well but we never went beyond a friendship because we were so alike. If I had to date a fellow extrovert I don't even know what I'd pick, either ESFJ so that I have somebody to take care of me or ENTP so that it's at lease super comfortable and I know I'll get enough me time without it being taken personally.

 

[sculpting]

I tried to date ENTPs for awhile-I totally love talking with them and understanding how they think. My best friends for many years have been entp girls.

However when I tried to date them, it was just strange. I think they saw me as entp-like, as I loved to argue and debate with them and am not at all sensitive, but then when I acted like an enfp in the context of the relationship, they were dumbfounded and it almost immediately dissolved.

I have seen several older divorced couples who had kids, but later broke up-interestingly it isnt the Ti/Fi issue so much but more the tert Fe/Te that can be extremely grating as both are so immature and partially unconscious functions that we start extroverting on the other as we both try and grow up a little.

But they make AWESOME friends.

 

[five sounds]

Anyway did you want me to have a go at analysing your ex’s actions, from an ENTP perspective? I assume he is the standard model ENTP enneagram 7 sx/sp/so?

Yes! I'd love that

7 sx/sp/so sounds right to me. I'd love to hear this analysis to better understand his side of things. I hate when I don't understand a person's point of view when I've had a conflict or disagreement with them. I'd love to understand better!

 

[five sounds]

I tried to date ENTPs for awhile-I totally love talking with them and understanding how they think. My best friends for many years have been entp girls.

However when I tried to date them, it was just strange. I think they saw me as entp-like, as I loved to argue and debate with them and am not at all sensitive, but then when I acted like an enfp in the context of the relationship, they were dumbfounded and it almost immediately dissolved.

I have seen several older divorced couples who had kids, but later broke up-interestingly it isnt the Ti/Fi issue so much but more the tert Fe/Te that can be extremely grating as both are so immature and partially unconscious functions that we start extroverting on the other as we both try and grow up a little.

But they make AWESOME friends.

Yeah, maybe he thought I was exactly like him and got confused when I wasn't.

What do you mean about Fe/Te?

I think we shoulda probably stayed friends looking back. I think we could have had a better friendship now if not for the 3.5 year relationship in there, haha.

 

[five sounds]

I don't think E/E or I/I relationships work well at all, I could never date a fellow extrovert, I've shared some intense bonds and connections with them but there's no way I could sustain the dynamic long term. I really like an ENFP once, she liked me, we clicked really well but we never went beyond a friendship because we were so alike. If I had to date a fellow extrovert I don't even know what I'd pick, either ESFJ so that I have somebody to take care of me or ENTP so that it's at lease super comfortable and I know I'll get enough me time without it being taken personally.

I agree. I'm married to an introvert, and just love his calm energy. It makes me feel really grounded and teaches me a lot about patience and slowing myself down sometimes.

 

[JAVO]

I'm an eNTP male married to an enFP female for almost 20 years (lowercase letters indicate low preference). We've had many of the same issues mentioned in this thread. I attribute the longevity of our relationship to our flexibility, openness to change and redefine our relationship, and an ambiguous compatibility factor outside of MBTI type which neither of us can really define.

Also, I think it's often useful to consider relative MBTI type. To me, she's like an ESFP where F and P are infinitely large. To her, I'm like an INTJ where N and T are infinitely large.

 

[five sounds]

I'm an eNTP male married to an enFP female for almost 20 years (lowercase letters indicate low preference). We've had many of the same issues mentioned in this thread. I attribute the longevity of our relationship to our flexibility, openness to change and redefine our relationship, and an ambiguous compatibility factor outside of MBTI type which neither of us can really define.

Also, I think it's often useful to consider relative MBTI type. To me, she's like an ESFP where F and P are infinitely large. To her, I'm like an INTJ where N and T are infinitely large.

That's really cool, Java Juice!

I know that if we woulda wound up married, we would have made it work. That's why it took us so long to break up in the first place. We were both super committed to working out our problems. It came down to just not wanting the same life at that time, and I got sick of waiting around or feeling dragged down. Maybe as we aged it would have been better, but with my husband now, I just appreciate the ways he's different from my ex in a lot of ways.

That said, maybe it was an undefinable incompatibility that we couldn't get through I love ENTPs and think you guys are sorta kindred spirits to us ENFPs.

Oh! Thanks for bringing up preference strength. Not sure about his, but I'm EnfP. So maybe that makes my Te more of an opposing force to his Fe? Or to his Ti?

 

[skylights]

That said, maybe it was an undefinable incompatibility that we couldn't get through

I conceptualize there being some vast sort of compatibility matrix... dynamic in some places and static in others... all involving intrapersonal things like personality, values, goals, experiences, ideals... but then also thrown onto the "real" map of time, space, point-in-life, etc. So all of those static factors have to somewhat match up, but then also your timelines have to be able to flow with one another and your respective matrices have to be able to undulate in and out of one another...

Which is all basically a really complicated way of saying maybe it was just right internal characteristics but wrong time. But not just "time" in the sense of "maybe if you had waited it would have worked", but as in maybe you were travelling two totally different paths altogether and just happened to meet. Maybe you could have pulled each other onto a mutual path, but maybe with your husband now your timepaths were much closer and more compatible so it all fell into place in the right way. I wish I had sophisticated software and an enormous amount of free time so I could visually depict this all. Like you and your husband would be travelling in space in similar directions, and then also your matrices would be undulating in symmetry, either in synchrony or in counterpoint. But you and the ENTP maybe were not only travelling differently but also your internal timeflow itself would be different. Your matrices seemed to line up but they didn't flow right.

I imagine that there is some overlap with personality characteristics and people's lifepaths and internal timing. Ps will probably spread wider in space and be more jolting in terms of time; Js will probably be more linear and more consistent. As for the differences between ENTP and ENFP, that's probably more subtle and nuanced than I can even begin to dissect. ENFPs will probably fall in line more with people movement and relational patterns, is my first thought. ENTPs will probably be more in tune with knowledge development and change. Even directionality maybe will be impacted a bit, if we consider that theoretically people move towards their latter functions - in which case both ENxPs share aspirational Si, but ENFP would move towards more impact and objectivity with Te and ENTP would move towards more affect and cameraderie in Fe.

Oro mentioned the Te/Fe thing... it does tend to rear its head in relationships. My nuclear family is all Fe besides me (2 TPs and an FJ), and my boyfriend is Fe, and they tend to see me as unduly "harsh" at times... while I see them as manipulative at times. It comes into play during conflict for sure, because it seems like Te and Fe impose different "understood" rules of behavior. My idea of appropriate conduct in an argument - not a play debate, but a real, at-stakes fight - is to be blunt and truthful and get it resolved ASAP by clearly stating our problems and finding a solution. Fe appropriate conduct, as far as I gather, is more like being sensitive to the other person's painful spots and avoiding them, and not saying certain things that shouldn't be said in front of certain people or at certain times. It's very confusing to me and it feels like they're trying to impose the rules that serve them best instead of what is fair and equal. I think the Fe idea in an argument is to obtain a solution with the least amount of lasting harm done, but actual Fe users are more than welcome to correct me on that.

Also, I think it's often useful to consider relative MBTI type. To me, she's like an ESFP where F and P are infinitely large. To her, I'm like an INTJ where N and T are infinitely large.

That's a really cool way of looking at it. Like with my boyfriend, I totally totally feel how he is so Ti and I am so Te, even though we're technically both F. It's like the pairing amplifies your differences because you compare with the other and you tend to specialize.

 

[Lady_X]

yeah...my bf and i get along great with ne fi stuffs but wow does he hate my te. haha

 

[Lady_X]

i don't know why i'm laughing. i guess that shouldn't be funny.

 

[Society]

I am a sx-dom ENFP, so I like to make connections with people, and I think that really bothered him.

mind if i try to unravel that ^ thread? i feel like there's a lot of missing information here... because on it's own it doesn't make much sense unless there was something deeper.

was he jealous of time spent with others? was he suspicious that there was more then a connection or concerned that it could develop into more? was he envious of the attention you gave others? was he afraid about you talking openly in regards to private things in relation to him? was he feeling like your isolating your social life for him? or something else entirely? why was he bothered by you making connections with others?

He'd get super mad and say hurtful things when that happened, which in turn pissed me off.

^ this is a big X on the map showing "dig here"... while you might have focused on your emotional reaction - that those things where hurtful - within that big black box there's probably a lot more information - his opinions, his reasons, how he perceived things and what he felt about them. what where those hurtful things?

 

[five sounds]

mind if i try to unravel that ^ thread? i feel like there's a lot of missing information here... because on it's own it doesn't make much sense unless there was something deeper.

was he jealous of time spent with others? was he suspicious that there was more then a connection or concerned that it could develop into more? was he envious of the attention you gave others? was he afraid about you talking openly in regards to private things in relation to him? was he feeling like your isolating your social life for him? or something else entirely? why was he bothered by you making connections with others?

Thanks for this, Mane. I need these kinds of questions. It was kind of a while ago, so sometimes I have to get my impressions down to start diving in to the details. I don't think he felt I spent too much time with others. We spent a lot of time together, and he never complained when I did something with my friends or family or anything like that. I think he was kind of suspicious. He would just like bottle it up for so long and then end up in a fit of rage eventually and I would try to figure out what was wrong amidst all of those raw emotions. He didn't like me talking to guys, even ones who were our mutual friends. A lot of times once he was done with his like silent treatment or "you should know why I'm mad" stuff, he'd kind of break down and say that he was afraid of losing me thought I was too good for him bla bla bla. I was constantly reassuring him that I loved him, he was more than deserving of me, etc. And I know I have an intimate interaction style that can come off as flirtatious. I make a lot of eye contact, etc. But I'm like that with EVERYONE. Even women. Even kids. I just like to dive into people. He felt threatened by that.

^ this is a big X on the map showing "dig here"... while you might have focused on your emotional reaction - that those things where hurtful - within that big black box there's probably a lot more information - his opinions, his reasons, how he perceived things and what he felt about them. what where those hurtful things?

He'd call me a bitch or a whore and stuff when he thought I was acting out of line. We were in college, so he had a habit of getting WAY too drunk, like blacking out, and unleashing all of this on me. One time he broke up with me blacked out, we had this big long fight/discussion for hours, I was like completely heartbroken, and he woke up and didn't remember a thing. But those emotions that came out then were present in a less belligerent way when he wasn't drunk. They just got amplified when he was. He also mocked me for saying I didn't want to party all the time anymore (things like oh you're too good for us, you think you're so much better than everyone) when I was really having such a hard time making those decisions and needed his support. When I told him that he was really dismissive and like convinced that I had ulterior motives or something. I don't know exactly how he felt or why because all I got was that. And I didn't know how to take it or where it was coming from.