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  1. #1

    Default INFJs - but you're supposed to be empathic!

    Greetings to my fellow INFJs. Yes, I am a n00b... try not to hold that against me

    Does anyone else ever get the statement from people...say, people with zero capacity for empathy...that you, as an INFJ, are supposed to have empathy so therefore, you're supposed to understand and provide the "oh, i'm so sorry!" response?

    I get this frequently and it drives me insane. Yes, I understand the feelings. I understand why those feelings are there; however, that does not preclude my feeling as if said person is also an ass. Just because I get the "why" behind the feeling doesn't mean i'm inclined to provide the "poor baby, let me kiss your booboo" response.

    ok, so I might not a huge feeler. *cough*

    Anyone else have this issue? Or get where i'm coming from? I mean you guys are supposed to be empathetic, right??

  2. #2
    Mojibake sprinkles's Avatar
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    @metalmommy

    Haven't had it myself, but I can totally imagine it happening.

    I look at it this way. Empathy is not the same as sympathy. Empathy is being able to share someone else's feelings.

    Comforting or saying "I'm so sorry! It'll be ok!" falls into the sympathy department. It often goes with empathy, but is independent because even people who don't empathize are capable of doing this.


    So basically, being able to understand people's feelings doesn't mean you have to be a doormat.

  3. #3

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    Exactly! And better expressed than I managed.

    In my particular situation, I get that line every time i'm getting the lengthy explanation on how I am at fault for said person feeling this way. And aren't I supposed to be empathetic?

    Perhaps a vocabulary lesson is in order!

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by metalmommy View Post

    Yes, I understand the feelings. I understand why those feelings are there; however, that does not preclude my feeling as if said person is also an ass. Just because I get the "why" behind the feeling doesn't mean i'm inclined to provide the "poor baby, let me kiss your booboo" response.

    ok, so I might not a huge feeler. *cough*

    Anyone else have this issue? Or get where i'm coming from?
    Oh, yes. I know this one...I can generally recognise and understand feelings quite well. It's the overblown outpourings of emotion I have a problem with. And this is what people often seem to expect.

  5. #5
    Unapologetic being Evolving Transparency's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by metalmommy View Post
    Greetings to my fellow INFJs. Yes, I am a n00b... try not to hold that against me

    Does anyone else ever get the statement from people...say, people with zero capacity for empathy...that you, as an INFJ, are supposed to have empathy so therefore, you're supposed to understand and provide the "oh, i'm so sorry!" response?

    I get this frequently and it drives me insane. Yes, I understand the feelings. I understand why those feelings are there; however, that does not preclude my feeling as if said person is also an ass. Just because I get the "why" behind the feeling doesn't mean i'm inclined to provide the "poor baby, let me kiss your booboo" response.

    ok, so I might not a huge feeler. *cough*


    Anyone else have this issue? Or get where i'm coming from? I mean you guys are supposed to be empathetic, right??
    I do not expect that from an INFJ...that's why they're awesome...someone who is doing that...does not know you well enough...or does and just wants you to do what they want...I do not go to an infj if i'm looking for sympathy...i go to an isfj....you should tell them to do the same...

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by EasyThereGenius View Post
    Oh, yes. I know this one...I can generally recognise and understand feelings quite well. It's the overblown outpourings of emotion I have a problem with. And this is what people often seem to expect.
    Yes! Exactly. I don't want the overblown outpouring of emotion. That is so exhausting.

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by Urarienev View Post
    someone who is doing that...does not know you well enough...or does and just wants you to do what they want...
    Yes! This is so dead on. And in my case, so annoying. I finally figured out that I'm being manipulated...and that this person does not know me at all even after 7 years. Which is unfortunate. And you're also right that an ISFJ would be so much more appropriate.

  8. #8
    Temporal Mechanic. Lexicon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by metalmommy View Post
    Yes! Exactly. I don't want the overblown outpouring of emotion. That is so exhausting.
    It's not only exhausting, it's gross.

    And fuck ''supposed to.'' Seriously. If someone's looking for an overt, cloyingly sympathetic response, to satisfy all their little ''supposed to'' bs expectations - they should go find an xSFJ* for that. People expecting you to react a certain way based on the understanding that you're a generally empathetic person illustrates some severely one-dimensional thinking, and it feels like a bag of bricks to have that shit imposed on you, out of nowhere.

    *nothing against xSFJ behavior, I'm describing how it feels to me, personally, not how it is for everyone. Many people only feel comforted when they can have that mushy fluffy reaction..

    I am not one of those people.
    03/23 06:06:58 EcK: lex
    03/23 06:06:59 EcK: lex
    03/23 06:21:34 Nancynobullets: LEXXX *sacrifices a first born*
    03/23 06:21:53 Nancynobullets: We summon yooouuu
    03/23 06:29:07 Lexicon: I was sleeping!



    04/25 04:20:35 Patches: Don't listen to lex. She wants to birth a litter of kittens. She doesnt get to decide whats creepy

    02/16 23:49:38 ygolo: Lex is afk
    02/16 23:49:45 Cimarron: she's doing drugs with Jack

    03/05 19:27:41 Time: You can't make chat morbid. Lex does it naturally.

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lexicon View Post
    It's not only exhausting, it's gross.

    And fuck ''supposed to.'' Seriously. If someone's looking for an overt, cloyingly sympathetic response, to satisfy all their little ''supposed to'' bs expectations - they should go find an xSFJ* for that. People expecting you to react a certain way based on the understanding that you're a generally empathetic person illustrates some severely one-dimensional thinking, and it feels like a bag of bricks to have that shit imposed on you, out of nowhere.
    Agreed. Totally. over the weekend, I actually got the "you're supposed to be the empathetic one" line again, followed by "you sure suck at showing it to me." Which does not make me empathetic...bitch slap is more what comes to mind. Apparently this grown ass man has determined that it's my responsibility to manage his emotions since he can't. This N should not be married to an S.*

    *no disrespect intended to the Ss out there...this one just isn't good for me.

  10. #10
    Temporal Mechanic. Lexicon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by metalmommy View Post
    Agreed. Totally. over the weekend, I actually got the "you're supposed to be the empathetic one" line again, followed by "you sure suck at showing it to me." Which does not make me empathetic...bitch slap is more what comes to mind. Apparently this grown ass man has determined that it's my responsibility to manage his emotions since he can't. This N should not be married to an S.*

    *no disrespect intended to the Ss out there...this one just isn't good for me.
    I wonder if he understands how inadequate that can make someone feel, like, especially being MARRIED, that being/expressing yourself & your love naturally isn't enough for him, he needs you to become someone else when he's at his worst.. that'd hurt me on a core level, I think. I've seen this behavior in xNTJ's who may not be terribly emotionally mature, as well. So it's not always an s/n divide. It may be more of an Fi thing; I dunno what type your spouse is, though. I'm guessing maybe xSTJ? Either way... I wish you luck, miss.
    03/23 06:06:58 EcK: lex
    03/23 06:06:59 EcK: lex
    03/23 06:21:34 Nancynobullets: LEXXX *sacrifices a first born*
    03/23 06:21:53 Nancynobullets: We summon yooouuu
    03/23 06:29:07 Lexicon: I was sleeping!



    04/25 04:20:35 Patches: Don't listen to lex. She wants to birth a litter of kittens. She doesnt get to decide whats creepy

    02/16 23:49:38 ygolo: Lex is afk
    02/16 23:49:45 Cimarron: she's doing drugs with Jack

    03/05 19:27:41 Time: You can't make chat morbid. Lex does it naturally.

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