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  1. #21
    Senior Member Wolfie's Avatar
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    I used to be way more inclined to react that way, because I feel a huge sense of responsibility for the feelings of others. Now, I am usually disinclined to say something sympathetic because it is usually enabling a victim mentality. I choose to instead provide solutions or uplifting remarks, but I won't coddle anyone unless it is a situation that truly deserves coddling.
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  2. #22
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    I wanted to mention that a lot of the reason others may not find us to be empathetic, or we may question our own empathy has a lot to do with the fact that we have a directive style of communication. This is part of the reason why we may come across cutting ect.. I know many P,s that most likely think I lack in the empathy department but that couldn't be further from the truth "At least I don't think so".

  3. #23
    Senior Member Winds of Thor's Avatar
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    One reason some INFJs are seen as not empathic some of the time...is because they've played a role they observed from others around them..not being actually genuine.
    "..And the eight and final rule: If this is your first time at Fight Club, you have to fight."
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  4. #24
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    This is interesting because I've been in many relationships with INFJs all of my life.. Romantic, business and friendships..

    To ENTPs they seem empathic because they seem to shut down and listen.. but it isn't necessarily true. I've felt fooled many times because rarely have INFJs been the one to help me out of the rubble or do something about it. This would be a mistake of the highest order because calming our emotions and actually showing the fruits of labor are different. I appreciate the showing than the just purely listening.

  5. #25
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    For the record, my mom is an ISFJ and she is really fed up with this as well, as she gets thrown at her head repeatedly by my father and her inlaws in general. It can really drain your as an F, i think, when after all youve given, people still go like 'it is not enough, cant you do better????'

    They dont seem to realize that Fs arent an endless supply and actually need the same back to recharge..if only minimally

    It can almost be like an addict or a junkie, demanding it, and taking it for granted as such, and getting really pissed off when the well is dry.
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  6. #26
    my floof is luxury Wind Up Rex's Avatar
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    @metalmommy

    My experience is that while INFJs can be accepting of all sorts of people, they have very well-defined moral/ethical parameters, and can be very fierce towards those that violate those boundaries.

    The dynamic I've observed with INFJs is that they have had a real gift for being able to create a space where very different people can come together and feel at home. While it's usually the accepting quality I mentioned that brings people there, the thing that makes the whole business sustainable are those (generally unspoken) parameters the INFJ puts in place about how people will conduct themselves while in that space. People feel safe with INFJs because they know the INFJ isn't going to allow someone else to shit on them or give them a hard time while they're around.

    Because ya'll are Ni-Fe as opposed to Si-Fe, you're not exactly sitting around enforcing rules like some kind of hall monitor, and are more likely to achieve a harmonious space through appealing to the best in those around you. But I've seen an INFJ throw down when someone brings some untoward bullshit into their "territory".
    And so long as you haven’t experienced this: to die and so to grow,
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  7. #27
    Senior Member Cloud of Thunder's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by metalmommy View Post
    Greetings to my fellow INFJs. Yes, I am a n00b... try not to hold that against me

    Does anyone else ever get the statement from people...say, people with zero capacity for empathy...that you, as an INFJ, are supposed to have empathy so therefore, you're supposed to understand and provide the "oh, i'm so sorry!" response?

    I get this frequently and it drives me insane. Yes, I understand the feelings. I understand why those feelings are there; however, that does not preclude my feeling as if said person is also an ass. Just because I get the "why" behind the feeling doesn't mean i'm inclined to provide the "poor baby, let me kiss your booboo" response.

    ok, so I might not a huge feeler. *cough*

    Anyone else have this issue? Or get where i'm coming from? I mean you guys are supposed to be empathetic, right??
    I think a lot of people confuse empathy with permissiveness.

  8. #28

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cloud of Thunder View Post
    I think a lot of people confuse empathy with permissiveness.
    Yes. I think this is very true. I think people expect that if I am empathetic, then that means I think their feelings are ok. Almost like a validation. That is not what I do.

  9. #29

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    Quote Originally Posted by Wind-Up Rex View Post
    @metalmommy

    My experience is that while INFJs can be accepting of all sorts of people, they have very well-defined moral/ethical parameters, and can be very fierce towards those that violate those boundaries.

    The dynamic I've observed with INFJs is that they have had a real gift for being able to create a space where very different people can come together and feel at home. While it's usually the accepting quality I mentioned that brings people there, the thing that makes the whole business sustainable are those (generally unspoken) parameters the INFJ puts in place about how people will conduct themselves while in that space. People feel safe with INFJs because they know the INFJ isn't going to allow someone else to shit on them or give them a hard time while they're around.

    Because ya'll are Ni-Fe as opposed to Si-Fe, you're not exactly sitting around enforcing rules like some kind of hall monitor, and are more likely to achieve a harmonious space through appealing to the best in those around you. But I've seen an INFJ throw down when someone brings some untoward bullshit into their "territory".
    Yes. I think this describes well what I do. I like to create harmony, to bring together disparate groups of people based on commonalities. I can understand
    where almost anyone is coming from. But that does not negate me and where I am coming from. I am very fierce about what I think and how I feel. At least when I really understand how I feel.

  10. #30

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    Quote Originally Posted by Craic View Post
    One reason some INFJs are seen as not empathic some of the time...is because they've played a role they observed from others around them..not being actually genuine.
    I think this is partially true. As an INFJ, I know what people want from me. I know what they want to hear, what they want me to be. It's taken me a lot of years to realize that my feelings, actions, behavior, etc. should not be dictated by this knowledge. it makes it harder for me to understand how *I* really feel. I got lost in other people and then inevitably found myself to be really unhappy. I've discovered that it's better if I focus on my thoughts, feelings, etc. first then do the empathy thing. I don't want to play a role at the expense of myself.

    And? I find myself much happier just being me and using the empathy to understand how others are responding to the actual me.

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