[INFJ] INFJs and Dating

[elfinchilde]

well, i like what cafe said about having standards, and ensuring that they're fundamentally met. Perhaps in the rush for love, people forget that they should have standards, hence the inevitable disappointments. Meet the fundamental criteria, the rest can be negotiated.

So it's up to the ladies, really, to each decide their individual criteria. You don't fall before ascertaining his worth. There has to be boundaries, like what philo says.

After all, if a man is the hunter and the woman, the prey, then, won't we say that it's the prey which sets the speed of the chase, and dictates whether or not she will be caught?

think about it. It is what it is: there will always be insecure men out there, just as there will be insecure women. (i mean, hey, i live in an asian culture. i know all about insecure men who only want their women docile and domesticated. as many personal ads here ask for: "pretty, quiet, sweet, can cook, can clean, can take care of the house." )

But rather than griping about it, or having bitter hangups, or taking it as a personal critique of oneself, why not just accept reality, and look for the rare man/woman who does fit one's fundamental criteria? and laugh while you're at it. Life's a wide place, romantic love's not the be all and end all. There's so much to see and do!

and when the heart/body is taking over the brain, such that fundamental criteria is getting thrown aside, i will always remember the words of my principal in my convent school:


Girls......CHECK THAT LIST BEFORE YOU FALL IN LOVE!!!

 

[SherlockSmith88]

INFJs and dating? lol.

I don't think we were meant for dating at all. Just sex...yep...

 

[nozflubber]

"my convent school"

Well that explains a lot!

 

[Motor Jax]

i can pick 'em up and shoot 'em down, but dating is a bit more awkward

 

[BookLady]

Yes, these values are dying but...

they aren't dead yet!!

I never gave in to this society mindset and I married a wonderful man who shares the same values. What a miracle! It's because we were faithful and prayed and were patient, waiting to find each other. I was NEVER going to 'settle for less'. I would rather have not gotten married.

Haha, tennisFJ, not your list, but the latter comments resonate a lot with me, just flip it the other way around:

what happened to men who can stay faithful, who don't sleep around and/or are just interested in girls only as 'meat'? And worser, that if one doesn't "put out", you're just seen as being a prude/anal/uptight etc.

When in reality, really. Does the majority always mean right? The trouble with the modern definition of love is that it's only physical, and nothing more. And both men and women don't think anymore; but merely follow what's in.

What happened to the olden times, when people understood that in a relationship, sure, it isn't easy, but one at least tries?

That love isn't just about sex, but about mutual respect, and respect for oneself, too.

sadly, these qualities just seem dead in the world today.

edit: and haha. i used to spend a lot of time angsting why wasn't i like other girls, who can just put out so easily and get all the male attention. but then, i guess, there comes a time when one grows up, and grows into oneself. You learn more about who you are; who you want to be, and who and what you can accept and not. Because in the end, it is simple, really. If i were to put out, of course, it's so easy to get male attention, but would it be the kind of attention i want; would i ever be happy, knowing that i've compromised my own standards for 'love'? No. Because love should never have to require one to cripple oneself. On matters of style, it is possible to compromise, but on matters of principle, never.

And any guy who wants me to be otherwise, can just go out of the window.

 

[Clentizene]

they aren't dead yet!!

I never gave in to this society mindset and I married a wonderful man who shares the same values. What a miracle! It's because we were faithful and prayed and were patient, waiting to find each other. I was NEVER going to 'settle for less'. I would rather have not gotten married.

wish everything anyone prayed for came true, i guess you are lucky. If i were lucky id be living on the moon with a glass of lemon tea, silently considering if my hair needs to be cut. Possibility in a lawn chair, though no lawn becuase I'm on the moon.

 

[karenk]

I actually don't date. I don't like the whole idea. Involvements always began without dating. For whatever reason I don't actively seek a relationship. My intution tells me when I've come across someone incredible. (I have no list of traits beforehand.) Then I feel I have no choice but to be interested in the prospect.

 

[Wyst]

most of the time, i become hypercritical of the other person and notice why they don't fit my standards.

it's really annoying because i'll think i like someone and have the idea of pursuing them, then i'll completely change my mind after putting in just a tiny bit of effort.

blah

i'm EXACTLY the same way.
i've always dated long-distance. it sucks. i can only hope that a normal dating relationship would be easier.

 

[wedekit]

I'm just one big paradox. I'm gay, but I don't like other gay people that much. I have no gay friends, mostly because I'm not into the gay scene at all. The thought of being in a relationship with a girly guy makes me shudder. I would just date a girl if that was what I wanted.

Finding a gay guy that's not a total fag? Hard to do.

Thus, I'm single.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

I never enjoyed dating. It always felt like an arbitrary ritual and performance. The few meaningful relationships I had evolved out of friendship and talking about interesting things.

You can't always know with certainty if it's the "right" person and it tends to involve some level of risk. Being flawed is an important part of love. Love between two perfect people would be too easy - how could that mean much? For me intimacy is about holding each other's vulnerabilities with respect and filling one another's deep hungers.

 

[gokartride]

I tried dating for awhile when I became single 18 years ago, but really haven't dated at all over the past ten years. I have been focused on raising the kids (two girls, two boys) but they're all off and gone now...three married, one in college in Ohio...doing great. A very meaningful part of my life.

My big issue seems to be finding commonalities w/ ladies here in suburbia. I feel very out of step w/ the culture here, but I am so for all the right reasons. I suspect as I go on this could spiral further to be even more difficult. I explore the things that are naturally of interest to me....but those things are definitely not of interest to the people I frequently meet.

So I watch and listen and make friends when and where I can, which happens fairly often between work, dining out, and mass transit. It's not a bad existance I suppose, but I know a relationship would mean the world to me if it were with the right lady. Most guys seem to waltz right out there and hook up within a week or two. Not this INFJ.....nope!!!

Truth be told, my biggest fear is that my heart is nothing but a block of ice at this point....it's been so, so many years and I have so many layers of coping mechanisms built up. Sounds pretty melodramatic, but I feel it and it is very real to me.

Not to worry...I will carry on!!!

 

[MrRandom]

I'm just one big paradox. I'm gay, but I don't like other gay people that much. I have no gay friends, mostly because I'm not into the gay scene at all. The thought of being in a relationship with a girly guy makes me shudder. I would just date a girl if that was what I wanted.

Finding a gay guy that's not a total fag? Hard to do.

Thus, I'm single.

Haha, that's all so true. I'm such a paradox too. I don't really have many gay friends and even the few that I have are not very close to me. I hang out with straight friends and I tend to like their company a lot more.

About the main subject, yes... it's difficult being an INFJ and trying to date. I'm extremely picky. The ones I've rejected take it quite personally, but I'm not starting a relationship that is not going to last for a long time.

 

[Wyst]

Late jumping on this thread but this is the story of my life here..

Usually when I see a girl, I'll visualize her as being like the perfect girl.. I'll imagine her fitting to my standards. Then I talk to her and I'll hear something that totally goes against my values like partying or drinking or sex or something that grosses me out and within a split second I'm not interested. It's almost like I know what I want and it should be perfect or else I look the opposite direction. Sucks to be so judging about a potential significant other. Sigh.

Yep. Same here. I'll change my mind REALLY fast and end up totally UNinterested. It feels very unhealthy to me. Not to mention immensely frustrating.

Fantasy is so much better than reality when it comes to romance.

YES. Kiddo really hit said it well.

I've only dated long-distance. The closest girlfriend I had was 2 hours away. And we only saw each other once a week at the most. Other than that I've only met my SOs about once or twice.

This really (not in a good way) allows me to let the fantasy run wild, and then when I'm with them IRL, it's so different from what I imagined and very disappointing.

I often think I'll never be able to find someone that my INFJ genes won't shoot down and that I'll be alone forever, doomed to singleness because I'm so judgmental.

I think the ONLY way I'll be able to have someone is to become friends first, accept my own and their faults weaknesses and then move into a romantic relationship...

.... at risk of ruining a great friendship. Either way, we're shit outta luck! Are INFJ's doomed to be miserable FOR-E-VER??!

Edit: 100th post. Weeeeeeeee!

 

[Danielson]

I really love ESTPs and I definitely want to marry one. There is no other type that an INFJ can profit from as much. It costs me a lot of effort though to keep up with their pace and their spontaneity. It can be one big adventure, full of surprises.

 

[gloomy-optimist]

My best friend is ESTP I could deal with being married with one, but only after they've had a long time to get to know me...it takes a while to get used to the communication style (although the more I get to know him, the more alike we seem).

I'm very picky about relationships and dating. Right now, I'm not even up for it, since I know that there's probably not anyone around here that's going to fulfill me... I'm pretty independent and complex, so it's difficult to find someone who can be the straw for my juice box.

 

[cascadeco]

I really love ESTPs and I definitely want to marry one. There is no other type that an INFJ can profit from as much. It costs me a lot of effort though to keep up with their pace and their spontaneity. It can be one big adventure, full of surprises.

I think ESTP's are exciting for the INFJ. And, maybe not that complicated in the relationship-maintenance sense, so just more light and fun. Regardless - very intriguing for both, at least initially.

However, I have a wonderful INFJ friend who is about to get divorced from an ESTP. Not that the infj/estp matchup is doomed to fail, as it isn't (in fact I think there's an INFJ on this board who's happily married to one), but there are some pretty substantial differences between how the ESTP views the world, and what is important to him in life and worth going for, and how the INFJ views the world and prioritizes things. I know my friend and her husband were never really able to communicate well together, and they were just on very different planes. She said they were perfect for everyday activities -- and getting out and doing things and just having fun together -- but when it came down to life philosophies, they were vastly different, and there was a whole side of her that she just wasn't able to share with him.

 

[Synarch]

I think ESTP's are exciting for the INFJ. And, maybe not that complicated, so just more light and fun. Regardless - very intriguing for both, at least initially.

However, I have a wonderful INFJ friend who is about to get divorced from an ESTP. Not that the infj/estp matchup is doomed to fail, as it isn't (in fact I think there's an INFJ on this board who's happily married to one), but there are some pretty substantial differences between how the ESTP views the world, and what is important to him in life and worth going for, and how the INFJ views the world. I know my friend and her husband were never really able to communicate well together, and they were just on very different planes. She said they were perfect for everyday activities -- and getting out and doing things and just having fun together -- but when it came down to life philosophies, they were vastly different, and there was a whole side of her that she just wasn't able to share with him.

ENTP is best for INFJ. Of course.

 

[cascadeco]

ENTP is best for INFJ. Of course.

But of course. ;-)

Theoretically, I agree with you. I have yet to be involved with one (for sure) though to test the reality!!

 

[Synarch]

But of course. ;-)

Theoretically, I agree with you. I have yet to be involved with one (for sure) though to test the reality!!

I just told you. What better proof could you ask for?

 

[Moiety]

I just told you. What better proof could you ask for?

Does this mean that INTJ is ENFP's pairing?

Sometimes typology makes me laugh. I mean, is there any cohesion at all? I've heard like three different "perfect" partners combinations for each type.